The Bare Bum Gang and the Holy Grail (12 page)

Answers

1.
Rabbit (Bunny rabbitus). As you can see, this rabbit is hopping round in circles, probably because it is crazy. You shouldn’t eat crazy rabbits, even if you are starving because a)it’s unsporting, b)it’s silly c)you’ll probably become crazy too and hop around in circles like a demented rodent.

2.
Black panther (Pantherus blackus). Actually, this could also be a leopard, but I like black panthers more as they are definitely cooler, unless they’re eating you.

3.
Bigfoot (or sasquatch). Actually, Bigfoot (or Sasquatch) and the yeti (or abominable snowman), have very similar tracks. You can tell them apart because usually the yeti’s footprints are in the snow, and Bigfoot’s tracks are in the mud. I have put a normal-sized foot next to it so you can see just how big Bigfoot’s feet are. This could also be the tracks of a person with one giant foot and one little
foot
, but there aren’t many of those people in the world, so don’t waste time thinking about them.

4.
These are the tracks of Daddy Bear (Ursus daddicus), Mummy Bear (Ursus mummicus), and Baby Bear (Ursus babicus). On no account eat their porridge, sit in their chairs or go to sleep in their beds, or they’ll eat you for sure.

5.
Sidewinder (or horned rattlesnake). These are some of the sneakiest tracks in the world, because they don’t even look like tracks at all. Sidewinders are deadly poisonous. If one comes for you, your only hope is to squirt lemon juice in its eyes, and then run away screaming while it is temporarily blinded. This also works for baboons, jaguars and piranha fish.

6.
Sausage dog (or dachshund). The line in the middle of the tracks is where its fat sausage belly drags on the ground because of its silly little legs. Do not be fooled into thinking you can eat them in an emergency. They are not made out of real sausages, and nor can you make a decent sausage out of them.

7.
Wolf (Canis lupus). If you come across wolf tracks you are in quite a lot of trouble. Your only chance of survival is if you’re a baby, and the wolf pack adopts you and brings you up as a wolf brother like Mowgli. That is definitely
better
than being eaten, but on the minus side you’d pick up lots of disgusting wolf habits like licking your own bottom, eating cute little baby deers, etc., etc., and when you grew up you’d probably have to marry a lady wolf.

8.
Weasel (Weasily weasily). For their size weasels are the most dangerous predators and if one gets inside your trousers you’re as good as dead. For that reason, when hunting weasels, always tie some string tightly around the bottom of your trousers so they can’t get in. If one does gain access to your trousers, quickly ask a friend to whack it with a big stick or boulder. This may break your legs but it will save your bacon.

About the Author

Anthony McGowan was born in Manchester in 1965. Before turning to writing full time, Anthony has worked as a nightclub bouncer, an Open University philosophy tutor, a cinema critic and a speechwriter in the Department of Culture, Media and Sport. He had his first novel for adults,
Stag Hunt
, published by Hodder in March 2004. He is married to Rebecca Campbell, a fashion designer and novelist, and they have two small children.
Hellbent
has been shortlisted for the 2006 Branford Boase Award.

Also by Anthony McGowan

THE BARE BUM GANG AND

THE FOOTBALL FACE-OFF

THE BARE BUM GANG BATTLE

THE DOGSNATCHERS

THE BARE BUM GANG AND

THE VALLEY OF DOOM

www.barebumgang.com

THE BARE BUM GANG AND THE HOLY GRAIL
AN RHCP DIGITAL EBOOK 978 1 407 04898 7

Published in Great Britain by RHCP Digital,
an imprint of Random House Children’s Publishers UK
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This ebook edition published 2012

Text copyright © Anthony McGowan, 2009
Illustrations copyright © Frances Castle, 2009

First Published in Great Britain

Red Fox 9781862303898 2009

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