The Bar Code Tattoo (8 page)

NEW PHENOMENON OF SELF-IMMOLATION PUZZLES PSYCHIATRISTS

Baltimore, MD. May 15, 2025
— A team of psychiatrists at Johns Hopkins Medical Center held a press conference today describing a bizarre new medical phenomenon they’ve dubbed Tattoo Manic Psychosis. Dr. Herbert Carver, head of the team, described this mania in which a person becomes convinced that the bar code tattoo will somehow do him or her harm. This creates a state of deep disturbance within the person.

The first stage of TMP (Tattoo Manic Psychosis) is often manifested in self-destructive behavior such as alcohol or drug abuse. At stage two, the person becomes desperate to have the bar code removed at any cost, despite the fact that bar code tattoo removal was outlawed in the same 2024 bill in which tattooing for decorative purposes was also outlawed. The
patient can become so desperate to have the bar code removed that he or she resorts to an attempt to burn the bar code from his or her skin. “This has resulted in many catastrophic burns,” Dr. Carver told the press. “In the last six months we have treated nearly 200 people for self-inflicted immolation.”

Hey, Kayla,

I finally got to a cyber café in Carson City. I’m here with my cousin Emily to buy stuff. She and I are the only ones who can actually make a purchase since we have working bar codes. I feel like a secret agent since I have two secret missions.

My first mission is to sneak away and e-mail you. Emily doesn’t even have a computer. A few months ago, she decided the CIA was spying on her through the computer, so she smashed it with an ax. Yes, that’s right — my cousin Emily is a full-blown mental case! You can imagine what a joy it is to live with her and be dependent on her for everything.

Actually, my code can still buy some things as long as my parents keep my account up. They do this by
trading in all their stuff. My dad got lots of credits by giving a car dealer his Jag. (Although he says the guy ripped him off big-time because he knew we were stuck.) My code seems to only go so far, though. We tried to apply for a loan for me and it crashed out. It seems like I have the family bum code, too — it just hasn’t totally caught up with me yet. I can still get gum and milk and antiperspirant and stuff like that, thank God. As long as they still take it at the gas tanks, we’re not totally banged out.

My other secret mission is to buy my mom hair dye. Emily doesn’t believe in hair dye. She says people are meant to age naturally, so she won’t buy any for Mom. I know it’s dumb, but Mom is completely twisted out over this. Every time she looks in the mirror, she gets all teary. So I said I’d try to score her a box while I’m in town. I don’t know how Mom will explain her sudden lack of gray hair. Hopefully, she’ll think of something.

Life here is more or less hell. All the kids around where my cousin Emily lives go to Cyber School since there are so few of them; it’s not worth building a real school. Since we have no computer and our nearest neighbor is miles away, I can’t even do that.

Well, enough about the horrendous waste of my young and beautiful life — how are you? I’m going to stay here in the café for as long as I can and hope you get this message in time to reply.

Amber

Amber! I can’t believe it’s you! I am
so
glad (shocked, amazed, thrilled) to hear from you. I’m sorry your cousin Emily is so banged out. But don’t feel alone. Everything is weird here, too. You wouldn’t recognize Winfrey High, at least not the teachers. They made them take this big test and then dumped the ones they claimed didn’t do well. I don’t believe it, though. Mr. Curtin, our Language Arts teacher, is one of the best teachers in the school. Well, he’s one of the teachers who didn’t pass the “test.” The other day I saw him collecting cans on the road for recycling. He had a big plastic bag full. I wanted to talk to him, but I thought it might embarrass him to have one of his students see him. But I noticed one thing about him — he doesn’t have a bar code. And get this! Mr. Kerr — my guidance counselor — he’s now the principal! We have these big assemblies every week where we explore our “feelings.” Aghh!

So much bizarre stuff is happening. My neighbors, the Ferns, disappeared one day. The Globalofficers came to our house asking if we knew where they went. My mother was friendly with Mrs. Fern, but she had no idea that they were planning to leave. (Although that’s not really so odd. She’s completely clueless about most things these days.)

Actually, you’re not the only one who has secret missions, either. I’ve started having a secret love affair with Zekeal Morrelle! Here’s why it’s secret: Nedra Harris and Zekeal used to go with each other and he’s afraid that she’ll go ballistic and try to make trouble for one or both of us if he doesn’t break off with her just right. So we’re waiting for June, once school is out and they all graduate, for him to tell her. That way she’ll go away to Cape Cod for the summer with her family, like she does every summer, and we won’t ever have to see her again.

Because of this, we’re not openly seeing each other, but I go to his place a lot at night and we find time to be together whenever we can. I’m just so completely in love with him. And I know he feels the same.

Are you still there? Can you reply?

Kayla

Oh, thank God you’re there. I’d have died if I missed you. Don’t get mad. I’m only saying this because I care about you, but what’s with Zekeal Morrelle? Do you really think Nedra H. is such a flaming psycho that he can’t break off with her? Are you sure he isn’t two-timing you? I don’t want you to get hurt. And, yes —
he’s gorgeous. But what good is gorgeous if he turns out to be a creep?

Sounds like your mother isn’t doing too well.
How are you two living? Tell all!

Amber