The Bachelor's Sweetheart (14 page)

“He got to talking about his father being gone and my father being gone.” Josh rambled on as if he had to get the words out or explode. “I remembered a good time I'd had with Dad working on a birdhouse, like Owen and I were working on his derby car. I was feeling good until I remembered the ugly corollary to the good time.” He told her about his father destroying the birdhouse.

“That's harsh. But you aren't the only one who's had disappointments.”

“I know that.”

Tessa took another plunge. She had to if she and Josh were ever going to have the future she was beginning to think they could have. “You know that rationally. But emotionally, you've collected all those disappointments into a big pile that you hide behind. In front is the ‘show' Josh you let people see and in back is the real Josh. Know which one I like?”

“The one in the back.”

“Both, if you'd clear out the garbage in between.”

“Then you'd like me twice as much?” He grinned.

She slugged his shoulder. “I'm serious. Read your Al-Anon literature. Pray. Start clearing out the garbage.”

“You're a good friend and I don't want to lose you,” Josh said. “But I don't know if I can throw off the compulsion to protect what's good in my life...” He shook his head and dropped his chin to his chest. “To protect you from my father. I couldn't live with him ruining you, like he's ruined so many other things I've wanted.”

Josh's words warmed her with the hope he wanted their friendship enough to forgive his father and allow himself some faith in Jerry's recovery—and not just hers. Because he'd never seen her drink, drunk, didn't mean she was any better than his father was. She cleared her throat. “We're the only ones who can ruin our friendship. And I have no plans to.”

“So you wouldn't be averse to my sticking around Paradox Lake?” he asked.

Her pulse ticked up. “What do you mean?”

“There may be an opening for a project manager at the Ticonderoga office. No details yet.” He pushed off the wall. “All this talking has me hungry. We'd better get inside before all the food is gone.”

She slid to her feet. No, despite her remaining uncertainties about Josh being willing to accept his father and fully accept who she really was, she didn't mind him sticking around for a while. She gazed through her lashes at him standing straight and tall like the soldier, protector, he'd been and still was, waiting for her. She touched her finger to her lips. The truth be known, she wouldn't mind another one of his kisses, either.

* * *

“No meeting tonight?” her grandmother asked when Tessa entered the living room and sat to watch the news with her.

Tessa bristled. First, Josh's concern about his father hurting her, endangering her sobriety. Now her grandmother was counting how many times Tessa went to meetings? Since Tessa had come out of rehab more than five years ago, her grandmother had taken Tessa's direction and been hands-off about her recovery. Why the concern now? She'd thought she'd been keeping things together pretty well, considering the turmoil of the past week, especially when it came to Josh.

“I didn't mean to pry,” her grandmother said. “I'm set in my routines and not used to you being here Thursday nights. You're usually either at the singles group or AA.”

Tessa's shoulders sagged. Grandma wasn't prying. She was making conversation. “It's Josh,” she blurted. What was she thinking? This was her grandmother. Who talked about their love life with their grandmother? How sad was she that she didn't have a girlfriend she felt close enough to confide in? But she did. Her sponsor, Maura. But Maura couldn't answer the questions that had taken Tessa's thoughts hostage. Only someone who'd been in Josh's situation could, someone with an alcoholic family member.

Her grandmother patted her knee. “You two seemed to be getting along at Harry's birthday party.”

Tessa straightened and scraped one thumbnail against the edge of the other. “I think I may want more than getting along.”

“About time.”

“What do you mean?”

“You've been friends for how long, five years?”

“About that.”

“And when was the last time either of you went out with anyone else?”

Tessa tilted her head and thought. Josh hadn't really seen anyone since he broke up with Lexi last summer. And, not counting her no-show blind date for the Resurrection Light concert, she didn't know when she'd last gone on a date. “A while.”

“Why would I be surprised that you two have feelings for each other?”

“I don't know that Josh does beyond friendship.” She remembered the sweet kiss they'd shared. But that might have been Josh being Josh.

“I've seen the way he looks at you when you're not watching.”

Her heart skittered and slammed into her internal wall. “Before we can move beyond being friends, we have to get back to being friends.” She hesitated. “I told him I'm an alcoholic.” Tessa replayed that night for her grandmother, Josh seeing her leaving the AA meeting with Maura and Josh's father when he walked out of the Al-Anon meeting and what happened when they'd talked afterward.

Her grandmother bit her lip, as if stopping herself from speaking. A couple of years ago she'd told Tessa that she should be straight with Josh. But only that once.

“When we talked again at Harry's birthday party, Josh didn't really believe what I'd said, that I was like his father. He'd never seen me drink, let alone drunk. Josh has to accept that I
am
like his father and his father is like me. We both want to stay sober. But no one but us can guarantee we will. I can't let Josh into my heart any more than I already have until I'm sure he accepts me for who I am and his father for who he is now.”

Her grandmother opened her arms and Tessa sank into her hug. “Josh isn't your former fiancé,” her grandmother said. “I watched him grow up. He's a much bigger man.”

“I know.” Tessa drew back. What she couldn't trust was that he was big enough to fully accept everything and commit himself to their relationship. “How did you accept me when I was such a broken mess? You and Grandpa must have been disappointed in me. I know Mom and Dad were. I just couldn't pull myself together.”

Her grandmother's lips thinned. “But you did pull yourself together, even if it wasn't the way your parents expected you to, and you've moved forward.”

“With a lot of help from Maura and the others and the former Hazardtown Community pastor. But you didn't answer my question about how.” Knowing that might help her open Josh's eyes to remembering the father of his early years, the father he'd once loved, and she was certain still did.

“We prayed and did our best to love you unconditionally as our Lord does and put you in His hands. It wasn't easy. It was heartbreaking at times to watch you fall. But each time, we prayed ourselves out of stepping in and enabling you or losing faith that He'd guide you.”

Tessa wiped the moisture from her eyes. “I think Josh can do that for me as a friend. But Gram.” Her voice caught. “I don't know if that's enough to build anything more than friendship.”
At least not until he sees and accepts his father, too
.

“Honey, you won't know until you try.”

“And if I fail?”

“You'll go on and find your happiness elsewhere. You're one of the strongest people I know.”

Tessa stared at the TV, not hearing a word the newscaster was saying. But was she strong enough to risk their friendship to bare her growing feelings to Josh and reconcile him with his father?

Chapter Eleven

J
osh put the finishing touches on his design and hit Save and Close. He'd have just enough time to grab something to eat and get to Owen's Pinewood Derby at the church. Owen had asked him and Tessa to come cheer him on. She was planning to meet him there after she got Myles and Kaitlyn set up for the Friday movie showing.

His phone dinged a text message at the same time Anne Hazard poked her head in his cubicle.

“Go ahead,” she said, motioning to his phone.

You're still going to Owen's race, right?
Jack texted.

Our evening driver's out sick, and I got a call to help clear a fender bender up near Ticonderoga. Dropping Owen off at the parsonage. Not sure when I'll get back. Suzi and Dylan are down with something, probably what my driver has.

On it,
Josh texted back.

“What's up?” he asked Anne.

“Do you have a minute? I wasn't sure I'd catch you since it's Friday, and you've been coming in early.”

He gave the computer clock a sidewise glance, thinking about Owen.
About a minute.
But Anne was the owner of GreenSpaces. If she wanted to talk, he was talking.

“I stayed to finish the design for the addition to the Ticonderoga Birthing Center.”

Anne pulled the side chair over to his desk and sat. “I was going to tell you Monday morning, but this way you'll have the weekend to celebrate—I hope.”

Josh's pulse raced with anticipation.

“I approved the new project manager position here, and we'd like you to take it.”

He bit back the Yes! shout that sprang to his tongue. “Thank you.”

“I don't need your answer now. I know you'd expressed an interest in transferring out of the Ticonderoga office. Think about it. Talk it over with Tessa and your family.”

He started at Anne's mention of Tessa. Everyone thought of them as a couple, except them. But she would be the first person he talked with. He'd already mentioned the possibility to her.

“Yes, I'll do that. When do you need my answer?”

“The end of next week would be good. If you don't take it, HR will have to start a search for someone. I want to have the position staffed as soon as possible to cover the additional late spring and summer work we always have.”

“Sure, no problem.” Project manager was the next step in his planned career path. He was almost ready to take the job right now—if only he had his head as straight about Tessa as his heart, had a better feel of where he and Tessa were headed. Of course, he could take the job and put in for a lateral transfer when a project manager position opened up somewhere else in the company.
Yeah
. Get the experience and the higher pay scale.

“Good,” Anne said. “I'd like to see you in the position here.” She stood. “Now, I've got to get going. Alex has his Pinewood Derby tonight.”

“Me, too. I helped Owen Maddox build his. He's a friend of Hope's.”

“And Alex's, too. See you later, then.”

When Anne was out of earshot, Josh slapped his desk. “All right!” He shut down his laptop and almost collided with his father as he exited the cubicle.

“Congratulations,” his father said. “I couldn't help overhearing.” He gestured to the wall facing the cubicle. “I was setting up to paint.”

“Thanks.” Josh's excitement closed the distance his bitterness usually put between him and his dad.

His father nudged the paint can on the floor with his toe. “I'm proud of you. Your military service. Finishing your college degree while working full-time. I'm proud of all three of you. Your mother did a good job.”

“She did.” For once, Josh didn't feel a need to color his father's acknowledgment with a dig about Mom having to do it all because Dad wasn't there.
One day at a time
.

“I'd better get back to work,” his father said.

“And I've got to get the Cub Scouts' Pinewood Derby. I helped Owen, Hope's friend, with his racer.”

“He's sure latched on to you. I've seen him and you at coffee hour at church. You're good with him and with Hope. You'll make a good father someday, like your brother Jared has.”

Josh ignored the bubble of longing expanding inside him and let his father's remark hang. He had to get to the derby. “See you, Dad.”

“Yeah, and unless I have my guess wrong, your job news is going to make someone else happy, too.”

Tessa
. The bubble burst, and bile rose in his throat. He didn't like his father assuming he was familiar enough with Tessa to know what would or wouldn't make her happy. He thought about his father and Tessa attending the same meetings and forging the bonds he was with the members of the Saturday Al-Anon meeting. Josh liked the idea that his father might be that familiar with her even less.

His stomach grumbled as he strode across the GreenSpaces parking lot to his truck. Inside he grabbed the two protein bars he kept stashed there for when he was working in the field and couldn't stop for lunch at the usual time. They weren't his idea of dinner but would hold him until after the race. The church hall was teeming with noise and prerace activity when he entered. He spotted Tessa with Owen right off, and Owen sped over.

“Coach Josh, I was afraid you weren't coming. Mr. Hill said he texted you. I had Coach Tessa text you again and you didn't answer.”

Josh blinked in amazement at how the kid got all of that out in one breath.

“My boss stopped by my workstation and wanted to talk with me before I left.”

Tessa joined them, raising an eyebrow before breaking into a broad smile. Maybe his father was right. Tessa's kiss at the funeral did mean she wanted him to stay here.

“I'll tell you later,” Josh said.

“When I'm grown-up, I'm going to be my own boss like Mr. Hill is, except for his father. So I can do what I want. Maybe I'll be a race car driver or ride motocross like your brother.”

“You've got time to decide,” Josh said with a chuckle. He glanced at Tessa. If Owen only knew how much bosses, even self-employed ones, had to answer to others. “Have you looked over our competition?”

“We did.” Owen nodded solemnly. “Ours looks the best.”

“You did a good job with it. We'd better get a seat before they're all taken.”

The corners of Owen's mouth drooped. “We had ones by the finish line. I hope no one took them.”

“I've got that covered. Neal Hazard said he'd save them for us,” Tessa said.

“Good work,” Josh said. “Lead the way.”

Owen darted ahead to his seat in the front row with Alex Hazard. Anne greeted him with a smile he couldn't read but that made Tessa blush. Had they been talking about him before he'd arrived?
Nah
. Not with Neal sitting right there. Or would they? He shifted to get comfortable in the metal folding chair.

“You raised the bar on this competition,” Neal said.

“How's that?”

“Alex came home from school talking all about how you and Owen designed his car on the computer. We had to do the same.”

“Gotta play your strengths.”

“Sanding and painting weren't Alex's. He lost interest. Owen's car looks a lot sharper. He said he did all the sanding and painting himself.”

“That he did.”

“My hat's off to you for getting him to.”

Josh sat back in his seat and crossed his arms with self-satisfaction.

“What are you grinning at?” Tessa asked.

He stretched his legs out as far in front of him as he could. Neal and Anne had three kids, and from all appearances, Neal was the kind of father any child would want. Yet, he'd been able to “out-father” Neal and keep Owen's interest in the project, thanks to his big brother and uncle experience. But he wasn't going to tell Tessa that, not here, probably not at all.

A call for the first heat to line up saved him from Tessa pursuing her question. Owen's and Alex's cars both made it into the semifinals, competing in different heats, which kept everyone on the edge of the seats and cheering for both cars. They groaned in unison when Alex's car lost his semifinal heat.

“Did you see that?” Owen turned around and shouted at Josh and Tessa when his car slid ahead and won his heat.

“I saw,” Josh said, nearly as excited as Owen.

Owen's and the other two cars in the final heat were lined up. “On your mark, get set, go,” the race announcer said, sending the cars into action.

“Mine's ahead,” Owen said, jumping up and down. “Go!”

Josh joined him. “Go, go!”

At the last second, one of the other cars inched ahead and crossed the finish line first.

“So close, buddy.” Josh patted Owen on the back.

“It's okay,” Owen said with a wan smile.

“And now for the awards,” the announcer said.

Owen beamed when the announcer called him to receive his second place trophy and even more when his car won ribbons for both best craftsmanship and paint job. “Look at that.” He waved the ribbons. “I think when I'm done being a race car driver, I'm going to design cars. What do you think, Coach?”

“It's a plan,” Josh said.

“I wish my mom...”

Josh's heart ached when Owen stopped and looked at Josh and Tessa and Jack, who'd made it for the semifinal heat.

“It's okay to wish she were here,” Tessa said, leaning across the back of his chair to hug the little boy.

“And you can write your dad, like you were telling me about,” Josh said.

“You and me?” Owen asked.

Josh shoved his hands in the front pockets of his Dockers. “I think that's something for Mr. or Mrs. Hill to help you with.”

“Right,” Jack said. “We have the address.”

“I'm going to tell him all about the race, and soccer and you, Coach Josh.”

Josh pushed his hands in farther. He didn't want the man to think he was trying to take his place. Nor for Owen to depend on him as a father-substitute. Parenting Owen was Jack's place.

“Don't forget Coach Tessa,” Josh said.

“Right.” Owen grinned at Tessa.

“Time to get going,” Jack said.

“Okay,” Owen said. “See you guys at soccer tomorrow. I'll be there early to help set up the cones, Coach Tessa.”

Tessa's mouth twitched as she tried to keep a straight face while she checked out Owen's enthusiastic offer with Jack. He nodded.

“Fifteen minutes early is good,” she said.

Josh's gaze remained on Tessa while she watched Jack herd Owen ahead of him to leave. She was good with kids, would make some kids a good mother. His father's words—that he'd make a good father someday—echoed in his head. Him, Tessa, kids. What was he thinking? He was the good-time guy, the fun uncle, the guy who worked the fast track to have the dollars to impress the ladies and buy his niece and nephew and Hope the stuff Jared and Becca wouldn't. He wasn't father material and, sadly, his head told him, not what Tessa wanted and needed, what she deserved.

“So, what were you going to tell me?” Tessa asked as they walked out to their vehicles.

“Anne stopped by on her way out of work to tell me she'd approved the addition of the new project manager position I told you about.”

“And you're still under consideration for it?”

“Yes.”

“Here's hoping.” Tessa raised a fist to him as she climbed into her car.

Coward
, the wind shouted at him.

* * *

“Hey, bro, you here to lend a hand?” Connor shouted from the parsonage front lawn before he shut off the mower and met Josh in the driveway. “I've got the church yard to do after the house. The church's volunteer groundskeeper is away for the weekend.”

“You're busy.” Josh reached for his truck door handle to hop back in.

“Not that busy. What brings you here so early on a Saturday morning?”

Josh flicked the door handle up and down. “I wondered if we could talk.”

“Sure.” Connor motioned to two Adirondack chairs on the front porch. “As your brother or as your pastor?”

Josh released the handle and looked at the house. “A little of both.”

“Dad's not here,” Connor said, following Josh's gaze.

“I know. He's at GreenSpaces, painting.”

“Go ahead.” Connor settled in the farther chair.

“Anne offered me a promotion to a new project manager at the Ticonderoga office.”

“That's good or not?”

“You know I want the job. I don't know about sticking around here.”

“Does Tessa know?”

Josh slapped the arm of the chair. “What is with everyone and Tessa and me?”

Connor shrugged. “She's usually the person you talk to.”

Josh relaxed. “I told her there's going to be an opening, not that Anne offered me the job.”

Connor didn't say anything, which set Josh to tapping the armrest with his fingers. “When I told Tessa, she said she wouldn't mind me sticking around. But there are things. Tessa's past.”

“And present.”

“And present and future. I'm working on that part.” Josh deflected Connor's barb.

“And Dad.” Connor poked him.

“And Dad.” Josh acknowledged the five-hundred-pound gorilla in the room. “He overheard Anne offering me the job yesterday and congratulated me. He said he was proud of me, of all of us.”

“I think he always has been.”

Josh couldn't agree. He remembered too many times when their father hadn't been aware enough of them to be proud or anything else. His conscience pricked him. “We talked a little. It was okay.” Okay, as long as he didn't think of Dad and Tessa together.

“That's progress,” Connor said. “One day at a time. The same for you and Tessa.” Connor's gaze darted to the door. “Natalie had some things in her past that were an obstacle to our getting back together when she returned to Paradox Lake.”