The Bachelorette Party (10 page)
By the time they got everyone into the limo, keeping all warring factions apart, it was time to head to the Peninsula for tea. Yes, tea. Not that any of them were British, but high tea just seemed like a posh, girly thing to do, so it was on the list. Thank you, Betsy.
What the Orange County gals didn’t know was that the Peninsula, a fancy-schmancy, extremely pricey hotel in Beverly Hills, was frequented by an assortment of call girls who met their gentleman callers in the dark, discreet wood-paneled bar. Or even in the bright, sunny “living room.” The very living room where they’d be having tea. Zadie had learned this by reading Jackie Collins. Just because she taught English, didn’t mean she couldn’t read the good stuff.
When they were all situated on the tasteful divans, sipping their Earl Grey, pinky fingers in the air, admiring the six-foot floral displays, Betsy decided it was time for “Advice Hour.”
“Okay, I think we should all go around in a circle and give our own particular secrets for a happy marriage to Helen. Who’s first?”
Clearly, Betsy wasn’t taking into account that Zadie, Jane, Eloise, Snotty, and Skinny weren’t married, but what the hell. They could listen and learn.
Denise spoke up first. “Don’t forget to take your pill.”
Helen gave her a playful hug. “Oh, you know you can’t wait to
be a mommy. And I can’t wait to be an aunt.” She rubbed Denise’s belly.
be a mommy. And I can’t wait to be an aunt.” She rubbed Denise’s belly.
Denise tried to grin and act excited about her impending motherhood, but the strain of constant nausea was evident. “Good, because you’ll be doing plenty of babysitting. I need to go to Mexico and drink Coronas on the beach for a week as soon as this thing comes out of me.”
“You say that now, but believe me, you’ll change your mind as soon as you see his face,” Marci assured her. “All it takes is one smile and you’ll never leave his side.”
“I don’t know if that’s good news or bad news at this point,” Denise said.
Betsy set down her teacup with emphasis. “This isn’t marriage advice. This is baby advice. We’re getting ahead of ourselves.”
Gilda raised her hand. “Here’s my favorite rule—if he ever comments that you’re gaining weight, he has to buy you a present before you have sex with him again.”
The other women set down their tea to applaud this. Even Betsy approved.
“Well done. Anyone else?”
Marci piped up. “I’m a big fan of date night once a month. You know, where you put on makeup and a bra and actually leave the house.”
Kim nodded in agreement. “Especially once you have kids. He needs to think of you as a lover and not just as a mother.”
Marci gasped. “Oh, my God, that’s so important!” She looked at Denise. “Which is why you shouldn’t let him watch the birth. Once he sees his child come out of your vagina, oral sex is tainted. I think our mothers had it right when they made our fathers wait in the lobby.”
Zadie looked around for the waitress. If she had to hear birthcanal sex references she wanted a drink.
To her credit, Betsy looked equally skeeved out. “Okay, once again, we’re getting ahead of things. Does anyone have any marriage advice for Helen that doesn’t involve kids?”
Zadie took it as her cue. “Well, make sure you have someone tailing him on the day of the wedding. Just in case.” She was kidding. Obviously.
The other women looked at her. Not getting it. Murmuring at what an inappropriate comment that was. Eloise clued them in.
“Zadie’s fiancé didn’t show up to her wedding.”
A collective gasp. All tea sipping stopped.
Snotty spoke up first. “Are you serious? He didn’t show at all?”
“Nope. Never made it.” Zadie couldn’t believe she’d brought this on herself. But at the same time, it felt good to joke about it. Comedy is pain plus time, she’d read somewhere.
The women all leaned closer, eager to hear more. “What happened?” Gilda was sweet. She sounded genuinely concerned.
“I went home, took off my dress, and drank a lot.”
“What was his excuse?” Jane asked.
“He was busy. In Vegas. With his buddies. And he decided that he didn’t really want to be tied down. Now that he was ‘famous’ and all.”
Snotty perked up. “He’s famous?”
“Sort of. He’s on a soap.
Days of Our Lives
.”
Days of Our Lives
.”
Snotty immediately hit Skinny on the arm. Skinny almost swallowed her teabag, she was so excited. “Which character is he?”
“He plays Nate Forrester. But his name is Jack. Jack Cavanaugh.”
Skinny almost wet herself. “
You
were engaged to Jack Cavanaugh?”
You
were engaged to Jack Cavanaugh?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Oh, my God! Oh, my God!” Skinny and Snotty were furiously whispering to each other. Zadie was used to it. When she’d been dating Jack, he’d almost been tackled by a group of teenage girls at the grocery store. Every time they went out to eat, there was always at least one woman in the restaurant who recognized him and came up to Zadie while Jack was in the bathroom, asking if it was really him and if Zadie was really his girlfriend. It was exciting the first few times, but then it got old. Possibly because Jack kept a ledger of every time he was recognized.
“What a prick,” Gilda said.
“Yeah, he was no prize, that’s for sure.”
Big Ass Betsy didn’t like being shown up. She was saving her marriage advice for last and it was clearly a doozy. “Well, I’m pretty sure Grey will never pull a stunt like that, so I’ll offer up what’s most important to a successful marriage. Never go to bed angry.”
They all just stared at her. Did she not realize this was a fucking bumper sticker? Or refrigerator magnet? Or whatever cheesebag origin it had?
The focus of the conversation immediately turned back to Zadie.
“When was your wedding?” Skinny wanted to know.
“Seven months ago.”
“Wow. You seem really strong. Congratulations.” Snotty was congratulating her? Why? She didn’t need congratulations for surviving Jack, but she’d damn well need a martini if she was to survive this hen party.
“Well, you know, it takes a lot of inner fortitude and soulsearching to get over something like that, but I feel like in the end, I’m a better person for it.” Zadie was clearly being sarcastic, not at all willing to share her inner demons with these women. Unfortunately, her sarcasm went unnoticed.
“I completely agree,” Betsy said. “Helen told me about your ‘wedding’ and I felt for you, but I think in the long run, you’ll be so much wiser when the next relationship comes along. When I met Barry, I was sure I’d never find anyone as good as Bob, but then Barry turned out to be the one that I could count on, and being able to count on someone is the most important thing.”
The last thing Zadie wanted was relationship advice from a woman who’d scared away every man she met until she was twenty-five. As the rest of the women muttered on about how Zadie would become whole again, she shot Denise a “save me” look. Denise complied.
“Forget this marriage advice crap. Let’s give Helen some sex advice.” Denise held up her teacup in toast. “To the only twenty-eight-year-old virgin in Los Angeles.”
They all held up their teacups, for lack of better toasting apparatus, and clinked. Zadie saw Gilda look down and bite her lip, but before she could ask why, Jane spoke up.
“Use your teeth, but not
too
much.”
too
much.”
As the other women tittered, Eloise added her expertise. “Kegel exercises. I can’t stress that enough. Squeeze him every five seconds and he’ll be begging for more.”
The thought of Eloise clamping down on some poor man’s penis and then advising Helen to do the same to her brother was too much for Zadie. She got up to go to the ladies’ room.
Once inside the world’s nicest bathroom, Zadie considered stealing some of the plush washcloths, but Jane walked in right as she’d unzipped her purse. She sat down in the upholstered chair in front of the vanity and started brushing her infuriatingly silky hair.
“Do you think we’ll actually get anything to drink today? Or are we stuck with tea and herbal tonics?” Jane asked.
Zadie looked at her with newfound respect. “I’m with you. We just have to convince the rest. Grey wants me to make sure Helen has fun, but I don’t know if it’s possible with this crowd.”
“I’m sure Betsy will have something to say about it. She’s even more of a butt rash than she was in high school. And Grey’s sister—please. Too bad they’re not lesbians. They’d make a perfect couple.” She snapped her compact open and swiped some powder across her T-zone, even though it wasn’t shiny. Jane had poreless skin. All those high-altitude flights must’ve made them evaporate.
Just then, a call girl walked into the bathroom and began touching up her lipstick. Zadie watched, fascinated. She had no proof that the woman was a call girl, but judging by her beauty, her plunging neckline, their location, and the wad of cash Zadie saw in her purse, it was a leap she was willing to take.
“Hi, Jane.”
Jane knew call girls? This was a new wrinkle in the day.
“Hi, Estelle. How are you?” Jane wasn’t quite as friendly as the
call girl had been, but she was cordial. She looked at Zadie. “Ready?”
call girl had been, but she was cordial. She looked at Zadie. “Ready?”
As they headed toward the tea room filled with the rest of their crowd, Jane motioned with her head toward the ladies’ room. “She flies first class to New York once a week. I think she has a rich boyfriend.”
“I think she has a couple,” Zadie answered.
Once they were back on the couch, Zadie was horrified to hear that the sex advice was still going on.
“Lick his crack,” Snotty said in a knowing tone that implied she’d licked many a crack and had had great success with it. Skinny nodded in agreement. Clearly, they’d compared notes. Crack-licking was high on their agenda.
As the other women “eewwed,” Big Ass Betsy scooted to the edge of her seat and lowered her voice to a dramatic whisper. “When he’s lying on his stomach, rub your nipples up and down his back.”
Betsy’s nipples were a horrifying thought. In fact, it sounded like the name of some shitty punk band. Betsy’s Nipples. Maybe they could open for Eloise’s Dick Squeeze.
“Turn off the lights,” was Marci’s big suggestion. “It’s more romantic.” Wow. These girls were on the cutting edge of hot sex.
Skinny kept staring at Zadie. “So, are you still in touch with Jack?”
“Would you still be talking to a guy who left you at the altar?”
“Okay, I just wanted to make sure before I told you this.” Skinny paused, as if what she had to say was of the greatest importance. “I gave Jack Cavanaugh a blow job three months ago.”
All conversations stopped.
“I didn’t know you, so you can’t get mad at me,” Skinny said.
Zadie didn’t respond. She didn’t have to. Everyone else responded for her.
“Oh, no!” Helen said.
“Where?” Betsy asked.
“Okay, start at the beginning,” Eloise said, practically rubbing her hands together in glee at the horror of the situation.
Skinny was cowering at this point. “Please don’t be mad at me, I probably shouldn’t have said anything, I just felt like I should tell you.”
“Why?” Zadie asked.
“It just felt like the right thing to do.”
“Again, why?” As far as Zadie could figure, there was absolutely no reason at all that she needed to possess the knowledge that Skinny had sucked Jack’s dick. She could’ve lived a long and happy life without this knowledge. Well, maybe not long and maybe not happy, but it would’ve been a far better day if this slut had never opened her mouth. Then, and now.
“I met him at a club and I love the show and one thing led to another and we ended up in his car in the parking lot.”
“You didn’t sleep with him?” Betsy asked.
“No, I had my period. I didn’t want him to remember me that way.”
“Yeah, you’re too classy for that,” Denise said. Skinny was oblivious to the sarcasm.
“So, what happened after the blow job?” Eloise asked, not satisfied until she had every humiliating detail.
“I got out of his car and went back into the bar. I never saw him again.”
Helen was quiet, horrified that this bit of news had come to light. She reached over and put her hand on Zadie’s knee. “Zadie, I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t get it,” Denise said. “You work with Helen every day. You never heard her mention that Jack Cavanaugh left her cousin at the altar?”
Skinny was on the defensive. “I just started two months ago. I didn’t know anything about it, I swear.”
The other women didn’t look convinced, but Snotty held her hand in a show of solidarity. Crack Lickers United.
“You don’t understand. I’ve been watching
Days of Our Lives
since I was in eighth grade!” Skinny whined.
Days of Our Lives
since I was in eighth grade!” Skinny whined.
“It’s okay,” Zadie said. “I don’t care. I’m over it.”
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