The Arrangement 18 (4 page)

After the shower, Sean takes me to his bed, carrying me like a bride across the room. He loves me slowly and softly until we are both sated again. Then we lie tangled together, skin on skin, on top of Sean’s posh bedding. It feels like raw silk beneath my fingers. Caressing the bedspread, I slide my hand over the surface, feeling the small bumps of the natural threads beneath my finger. We’re both tired and exhausted, not able to move, but not willing to sleep. This day, this week, has been unimaginable. Add to it this night, and I would’ve never thought this could happen, not in a million years. I’m in Sean Ferro’s bed in the Ferro mansion, being cradled in his arms.

Sean’s breath is warm in my ear. He’s been silent for a while now. The sun has set and night has fallen. His room is absolutely still. There’s no noise from trains or cars or highways. It’s just him and me, his breath in my breath.

I wonder if he’s contemplating what we’re going to do next or if he’s sated and ready to sleep. It isn’t until he talks that I know. Tucking a curl behind my ear, he whispers, “Why do you always come back to me?”

I can’t help it, my lips tighten up. “Why do you always feel like you have to push me away?”

I feel Sean smile behind me, as his cheek presses to my neck. “You didn’t answer my question, Miss Smith”

“Ditto, Mr. Jones.” Shifting, I snuggle my back into his front, and Sean holds me tighter. “I'm thinking that these may be questions that we’ll never have answers to. Am I supposed to stop asking? I feel like I should know, but I don’t. This doesn’t even feel real. This thing between us feels like love and it scares me to death. Sometimes I want to run, but being without you—I just can’t do that. Maybe love is as fragile as a snowflake, but we both know I like the cold.” The memory makes me smile. It brings me back to the day in the snow, sledding with Sean. That was like today, like right now. It’s surreal because I thought I’d never see that man again. I’m still not sure if things will stay the same once we leave this bed, actually I’m terrified of it ending.

Sean runs his fingers over my curves, down my side and over my hip where he rests his hands “Yes, we know that for sure. We also know that no matter what I do, you come back. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you, I feel like you must’ve done something horrible to deserve me—”

Turning back, I look at him. “Stop it. You keep saying things like that, you keep acting like you’re beyond saving, but you are not. I know what’s real and what’s fake. I know you’re afraid the same way I am, but is it better to be alone? I had thought so, but building up all these walls and becoming numb doesn’t keep you from feeling. I still feel every bit of remorse, every pang of pain, and every bit of guilt. I thought walls would save me from that, I thought pushing people away and making myself numb was the only way I could endure, but I was wrong. Those walls, those barricades I built to keep people out—they worked. They kept people out, but they also locked me inside with all my agony. I know what that feels like, and I know you do too.”

Sean presses his lips to my temple slowly and softly. His strong arms wrap around me, holding me tightly. My heart beats faster and faster as the moments pass. He says nothing. I don’t know if I’ve guessed wrong, if only I feel that way and he doesn’t, or if he’s regretting this intimacy with me—but Sean's silence is unnerving. I could speak and break it, I could pass over it like the comments meant nothing, like they were meant in jest, but they weren’t.

When I feel his lips part, I have no idea what he is going to say. “I don’t like admitting this part but I made a mistake, Avery. Some mistakes can’t be undone. I’ve been festering in anguish and blaming myself for Amanda, for losing everything that was important to me, for not being there for Peter, for bailing on Jon. I’ve lost them, Avery. And the thing is, I can’t bear to lose you too. Whenever that thought surfaces I raise my guard and push you away. It’s the only way I knew how to survive. No one’s come back, except you. I’ve never broken a promise to my mother before. I know it seems like a strange thing to say in the middle of a conversation when the most beautiful woman in the world is lying naked next to me, but I swore you’d be gone and here you are.”

“So, how are you going to get rid of me? Because the box thing didn’t work.” I smile and shiver at the same time. Sean notices and rubs my arms chasing the chill away.

“Well, I planned on arranging your marriage to someone I can’t stand to make sure we didn’t see too much of each other and to satisfy my mother, but the main reason I was doing it was to keep you safe.” Sean’s grip around my waist tightens. “Trystan's staff, his security team, is older than mine and less likely to have been tampered with by any of the Ferro’s. Unlike our security team that’s obviously been tampered with. That guy Bob, that mountain of a man that Trystan always has around, I know he can watch out for both of you in a way that I can’t. It seemed to me that his lifestyle would suit you better and that you would be better protected. As it is, I’m having to go back through all the employees that we’ve had to see which ones were tainted, and speculate who ruined them. My pilot for example, no one should have been able to corrupt him, but someone did. You’re safer with Trystan.”

This part frightens me. He’s serious when he says these things, when he thinks he can marry me off as if that would solve everything. “I’m not marrying Trystan. If there’s a wedding, there’s only one man I want to marry and he’s behind me, holding me tight. Besides the man gunning for me is dead. You have the papers they want, so the power vacuum is gone. You won and we can be together. I’m not totally naïve Sean, I know what this means, what you are going to do. I’ve made decisions that I thought I would never make, and I did things that I thought I would never do, and all in the name of survival. If this is what you need to do to survive, I’m with you, and by your side.”

I feel Sean move his jaw before he finally speaks. “You don’t know what you’re agreeing to, you don’t know what you’re offering. There are things that I can’t say within these walls, but would make your blood run cold. I’ve come back covered in blood, I’ve done things that I can’t confess, things that weigh heavily on my heart—things that have destroyed my soul. That’s not the life I want for you, but that is my life, this is my life, and there’s no way out.” Sean kisses the back of my neck before he pushes away.

He swings his feet over the side of the mattress and stands up before walking over to one of the massive windows. He stands there for a moment and then pulls back the drapes. Sean stares through the glass at the moonlight and the tall cypress trees that line the front drive. The reflecting pools in the gardens outside make his face glow softly.

As I watch him, I wonder what he’s done and why he thinks he can’t be redeemed. I roll on my side and prop my head up with my hand, looking at him, I ask, “What if we did it together? What if we took over Campone's investments together? I can keep you from falling off the cliff and you can do the same for me. It would protect your brothers, and shove your mother out of the middle. I don’t think we can take all of his endeavors,” I smile, confessing that I don’t know exactly what Campone was running, unless you consider bribery, drugs, prostitution and that sort of thing as properties in normal investments, “and make them into something good. I can’t stand Miss Black, but if I hadn't found that job, I would’ve been homeless. I had no other options. Sean, prostitution is legal in some states, and there’s a reason for it. It’s one of the oldest businesses in the world, right?” Did I just say that? Sean turns slowly, dropping the draperies. I wink at him.

Sean presses his lips together forming a tight seam. His blue eyes drop to the carpet as he walks over to the bed and sits down on the side. His gaze lowers to my hand, which he lifts, taking it in his own, and presses it to his lips. “If only it were that simple. This is blood money, Avery. The entire company runs on fear and is fueled by blood. There is no good in it, there’s only power. That’s why my mother wants it so badly. If she can own everything that Campone had, then she will be unstoppable. Wealth, power, dirty secrets. In short, she’ll own every wealthy family in New York. That legacy will be passed on to Jon, and I can’t let that happen. I failed them once, I am not doing it again. That’s why I need to get there first. I don’t want Peter, Jon—or hell—even Hallie, dragged back here. The only way to make sure that doesn’t happen is if I’m the point man.”

“I understand what you’re saying, and I’m saying you don’t have to do it alone.”

“This is a slippery slope, Avery. I can’t let you step onto it.”

I laugh at that. Leaning closely, I place a finger on his cheek, saying, “Don’t give me the morality speech, not from you. Besides, I don’t believe that crap. People can choose to be good and people can choose to be bad. Good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things. No one is intrinsically anything. Besides, from what you just said, you want to make sure you’re the one with the power to save your brothers and the people they care about. That doesn’t sound bad to me.” I touch his shoulder, leaving my hand there, feeling the strong, firm muscles beneath my grip.

He is so tense and so worried about me. Sean glances at me out of the corner of his eye as if he’s acknowledging that I’m right, albeit reluctantly. I give him a lopsided smile in return and say, “Love can make you do all sorts of crazy things. Some are earth shattering while others seem mundane. The thing is, you and I found each other, and a love like we have is rare, like fairytale territory.”

“So does that make you Cinderella?” Sean smiles at me, revealing that dimple.

The comparison makes me laugh. “Are you saying Cinderella was a hooker? Because I know she got with the prince a little fast, but I thought it was because of the pumpkin coach. Unless that was like slang for some kind of STD. In which case she gave it to the Prince. And let’s face it, Prince Charming was a wuss. He didn’t do anything except bring a bunch of girls one shoe. Who the hell wants one shoe?” The thought makes me laugh, as the comparison becomes clear in my mind. “Holy shit, did you say your mom is like the evil stepmother?”

Sean starts laughing. It’s way too late and we’re way too tired, because I’m sure this wasn’t a funny joke but for some reason it makes both of us laugh hysterically. “I don’t think anybody would deny it.”

“Then let’s steal her happily ever after. Fuck everyone else. Break the glass slipper, I know you can. My Prince Charming has pumpkin-sized balls.” I can barely get the words out without laughing, partly because it’s true, and partly because it’s a really good visualization for Sean Ferro. Apparently he thinks so too because he leans into me giggling—giggling. The man is
giggling
.

“That makes Jon and Pete the ugly stepsisters.” That deep booming laugh comes from deep within him. It’s a rare sound that I absolutely love to hear.

“So you see why I like you the best. You’re the prettiest.” We start laughing again because somehow in the scenario he’s become the Cinderella and I’ve become big balled Prince Charming. God, I’m so tired, but we can’t stop laughing.

Sean reaches for my ankle and lifts my foot to his mouth, kissing the pad of my toe lightly. Suddenly, nothing’s funny. I gasp as he does it, having no clue that it would make me feel this way.

Sean’s lips twist into a wicked smile. “Really? You have a toe thing?”

“I do not.” I sound very dignified until he slips one of my toes between his lips and all the air is sucked from my body in a luscious breath. His tongue flicks against my skin and I nearly scream with excitement. Hands clutching the sheets, I sit upright and try to pull my foot away. “No, no, no!”

Sean holds onto my ankle firmly, refusing to free me. “I think the words that you're looking for are, ‘
yes yes yes
.’ This is so much better than the box. I can see the look on your face, the way your eyes sparkle, the way your lips twist into a panicked smile. Meanwhile, you’re the one talking about morality, what’s weird and what’s not, and then you swoon over toe kisses.”

“I’m not swooning.” Okay so that’s a total lie. As soon as he puts his mouth on my toes again, I’m lost. I’m gone, swept away the same as when he kisses that spot on my shoulder, and I just can’t stand it. I moan too loudly and rip the bedding underneath. My nails actually dig into the silk sheets and tear them. My back arches up in the air as I moan with ecstasy.

Sean doesn’t relent. His kisses stay focused on my feet, on my toes, until I admit that I have a thing—a very weird super sensitivity where kisses feel good on my toes. The sensations make me writhe and call out. I beg him to stop, but he won’t, not until I give in and admit that I’m a foot freak.

In a voice that’s way too high pitched and breathy, I dart upright, gasping, “Fine! You’re right! You’re right.” I pant the last word because he’s stopped torturing me. I’m such a nutter. I wiggle my foot, trying to jerk it away, but Sean holds on.

He gently massages my toes, touching the right places to make me quiver. Then I’m treated to a full smile that reveals both dimples. “I love it when I’m right.”

The rest of the night flies by in a blissful blur. This is unreal, unlike anything Sean’s ever done before. I wonder if this is the man that used to be or if this is a totally new version of Sean that he doesn’t know, that no one knows. I’m elated and exhausted, lying naked in his bed. There’s a sliver of moonlight peering through the draperies. It feels like I have anvils tied to my eyelashes and every time I blink it becomes harder and harder to reopen my eyes, but I don’t want to take my gaze off of Sean.

He’s been falling in and out of sleep for an hour now, maybe more. There’s a peaceful look on his face that makes me want to watch him, but it also makes me worry. In this state, he’s frail. Vulnerability isn’t something that equates to Sean Ferro, but there are times when I see it. The most common is at the cemetery when he’s standing in front of his wife’s grave and looking at the family he lost. He blames himself and he always will.

The thing is, tonight was different than other times because his walls never went back up. It’s what I always wanted. It’s also what scares the tar out of me. I finally had a taste of what the real Sean Ferro is like, of the beautiful man that lies beneath the torment, and I love him even more. The little traces of who he is that have popped out from time to time are nothing compared to the man I saw tonight.

I want to close my eyes and wake up next to him every day. I want things to stay like this, and have it be me and him against the world. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Forming an alliance with someone, trusting them, hoping they’ll be there when you fall, and helping them up when they need you. Sean’s afraid of repeating his mistakes and I see that, but he’s in this constant state of looking backwards and living in the past.

I was like that. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be numb to the world and everything in it. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing my parents, but it meant that I gave up feeling anything at all. I don’t think I can live that way very long, because what’s the point of living if you can’t feel?

All the things that I love most are sensations—the breeze on my face, the crunch of fall leaves under my feet, the sand between my toes, and even the warmth of Sean’s skin on mine—they're all things I feel. The things I don’t want to be without. I wonder if tonight will convince Sean to let go of his past, at least a little, enough to step forward into the light. The only way I’ll find out is if I close my eyes and fall asleep. I’m excited to know what tomorrow brings but I’m afraid of it at the same time.

My eyelids close slowly as my gaze is fixated on Sean’s lips. To my surprise, his blue eyes are suddenly revealed through dark lashes. A smile twitches at his lips and he reaches out, touching my face, dragging his finger along my cheek. The touch makes me shiver and feel safe at the same time. It’s like being touched with ice and fire, and there’s no other way to describe it. Both ecstasy and agony.

Sean says sleepily, “Close your eyes spray start car girl. I’ll still be here in the morning, nothing will change.”

I’m afraid to ask, but I do, “How can you be so sure?”

“Because I finally found what I’m looking for, I was just too stupid to see it.” He smiles sleepily at me. “I’ve made promises before, but I didn’t know what I was promising. Now I do. I want this. Every day. Every night. Us. Together, if you’ll have me. And if not, I may just wear my man ring and just tell people I’m engaged to the awesome Avery Stanz.”

That last remark makes me giggle, I can’t help it. Sean caresses my cheek again and I snuggle closer to him. “Was that a proposal, Mr. Jones?  Because I believe it’s tacky to propose after sex, at least for your kind.”

He smirks. “My kind?”

“Yes, your kind—the fabulously wealthy, powerful, and slightly crazy, Ferro family. I’m sure they’d be horrified to learn of such a tacky proposal.” I’m teasing him and too sleepy to make up much of a jeer. He knows it. Sean snuggles closer so we’re nose to nose, and he’s gazing sleepily at me. “So should we open a condom and put it on my finger as a ring?”

Sean’s response is nonverbal, he leans in closer, putting his hands on my side, and tickles me. “The guy who gives you a condom as an engagement ring is a fucktard.”

I gasp, opening my mouth like I’m in super shock. “Did you just use slang? Oh my God, I think I might die. The great Sean Ferro sounds like a normal person.” I laugh as he tickles me more, but I’m honestly too tired to fight him off.

“This is an extension of the first proposal, which was done correctly and very romantically. You know how hard it was to find someone at the State Park Department to let me rent the damn room? I was on hold for nearly three hours.”

Now I tickle him, pressing my fingers into his sides and wiggling. Sean laughs and confesses, “Okay, so it was two hours, but still took forever. That was the proposal. This is the affirmation, the statement that comes later that states I still mean what I said. I want you now, and I want you forever, for the ups, downs, and everything in between. I want you here next to me, like this, every night. I want to kiss you awake every morning. I want to do very dirty things that I will not say out loud, Miss Smith.”

I can’t help it, I’m smiling like an idiot. I want to believe him. I want to believe it, but he’s said this before. Except last time his actions were different. Aren’t actions supposed to speak louder than words? I should accept this change, shouldn’t I?

With a quiet voice, I say, “I’ll have to think about that, Mr. Ferro.” I shrug, teasingly.

With all seriousness in his voice, Sean leans on and says softly, “I’ll make it right. I promise, I’ll be here in the morning.” He knows what’s weighing on me, what’s tugging at my heart, and keeping me awake.

I open my mouth, but it’s gone dry, so I nod. I roll over on my pillow the other way, not wanting him to see the emotion that’s playing across my face. Hope this high shatters when it falls, it’ll break me and I know it. At the same time, I feel like it’s a risk I have to take.

People change and grow, and Sean Ferro is not immune to growth. In the limited time I've known him, I’ve seen him try. I know how hard he fights his demons and his past. I also know there’s no reason for him to do that alone. In a lot of ways, we're the same, holding back the past like an inky tidal wave that threatens to crush us at any moment. Two people holding it back should be better than one.

Sean’s voice scatters my thoughts when he speaks. “Go to bed, spray start car girl. We can talk about anything and everything in the morning. The only other person in the house is one of the security guards, and he’s not stupid enough to come in here, not after seeing you in the foyer with sticks and leaves in your hair. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought you concocted a plan to break through my defenses and pull every heart string I have. Apparently, all it takes is a few scratches on your face and messy hair.”

“Nope, no concocting. I’m a dumbass and actually ran all this way. I jumped fences in a single bound,” I say dramatically, “and fell flat on my face. The result was epic bruising, blisters, and a sore butt. I really don’t land on my feet very often.” I smile a little bit as I feel Sean snuggle up behind me.

He wraps his arms around me and whispers in my ear, “You don’t have to worry anymore. When you jump, I’ll catch you. You don’t have to land on your feet, not if I’m here.”

His words make me smile and that’s the last thing I remember before drifting off. The world is still, and warm, and perfect.