The Arrangement 16 (3 page)

Why didn’t she tell me about this? Did she ever try? I think about catching her on the step stool, and she always had a rag in her hand, balanced over that spot, but the contents look as if they’ve sat untouched for ages.

I don’t know what to think. My first reaction is to talk to Sean—he’d know what to do—what this stuff means. I feel overwhelmed. My mother hid this, and from the looks of it, Daddy didn’t know. This letter is addressed to him.
 

I have to spend some of the money. I can’t walk around like this covered in a ripped costume stained with blood. I still have Trystan’s jacket, but it won’t distract people from blood, even in Babylon. I need to blend. Stuffing one of the bills into my pocket, I decide to walk down the street to the little line of shops. I have to buy some clothes and I need to try to see Sean. I need to tell him I’ve been an ass, but I’m done now. The manhunt for Marty probably ended already. For once, we’re safe.

Chapter 6

I know how to be frugal when needed, mom taught me well. A couple of hours later, I’m walking purposefully through the hospital lobby and wondering how far I’ll get before someone interferes. There’s not a Ferro in sight and Trystan is gone.
 

I walk into the elevator like I know what I’m doing. Sean must have been admitted last night. I just hope he’s still here. I get off at the fourth floor and attempt to walk past the desk when a nurse stops me.

“Excuse me, dear, do you have permission to be here?” The nurse is middle aged with bags under her eyes from a lifetime of working the nightshift.

I walk over to her, ready to cry. The lump in my throat tightens. “I think so. Sean Ferro is on this floor, right?” When she only stares at me with those dark brown eyes, I stammer on, making it up as I go. “Peter called and told me what happened. He said I could come down now. Do I have the right time? Unless, oh God, has something gone wrong?” I start shaking and cover my mouth to muffle a sob.

The nurse comes around the counter. She drapes an arm over my shoulder. “No, honey, I didn’t mean to frighten you. He’s stable, but he’s not on this floor anymore. They moved him to the east wing on five. Would you like me to take you to him? His mother may still be there. She was here earlier.”

“Constance was here?” The nurse nods and starts walking me toward the elevator. “Martha, I’ll be right back,” she calls to another nurse.
 

When the elevator doors slip shut behind us she says, “It’s terrible that no one knew the truth all these years. What that man must have lived through.” She shakes her head. “It’s clear that you’re a friend of the family, because no one calls Pete Ferro, Peter.”

“I am. Actually, Sean and I were engaged.” I tell her the truth because it’s pressing on me so hard that I might burst. “I broke it off with him and then this happened.”

The nurse’s jaw drops. For a second, she does nothing. Then, suddenly, I’m in a bear hug and smashed against her soft body. “Oh, honey! The guilt you must feel. I can’t even imagine it.” She prattles on about how it’s not my fault and that there’s a chance for every couple, something about stars, and I zone out because it’s all a lie. Everything she assumes is wrong.

I’m silent, wiping tears that roll down my cheeks until we stop in front of his door. The name plaque says
S Ferr
. She smirks at me. “We took off the last letter so people would leave him alone.” When I don’t reach for the handle, she prompts me. “Go on honey.”

I lift my hand, but it trembles. My fingers rest on the lever, but don’t push down. I can’t. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

“
What if,
is a horrible question. Besides, the only way to find out the real answer is to walk into that room. If you want, I’ll wait right here, but I don’t think he’ll protest—not with the amount of medicine he’s had. That bullet skimmed his rib and dislodged a chunk of bone. They spent the better part of the morning in surgery removing the shard so it didn’t puncture his lung. He’s a lucky man—in regard to that, anyway. Go on in and I’ll wait here in case he throws you out.”

“Really?” She shouldn’t be talking to me. I’m not family and I doubt my name is on his papers. For some reason, this woman is being kind to me—me, Avery Nobody, in my jeans and T-shirt, with Trystan’s leather jacket over my arm. I don’t look like a Ferro. I don’t look like anyone who could know him, but she’s kind to me regardless.

“Of course, honey. People act real odd after being through something like that, so give him time. A near miss changes people.”

I offer a half smile. “Nothing changes Sean.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. That bullet changes everything. You’ll see. Go on, I’ll wait.” I don’t know what she means, but I need to talk to him. I need to tell him that I’m sorry, that I should have stood by him.

I crack the door and peer through. There’s a dim light glowing, casting shadows on his face. Sean’s eyes flutter open and lock on mine. He watches me, saying nothing. My heart pounds harder as I open the door all the way and step inside. “May I come in?”

Sean’s gaze flicks to the nurse in the hallway and then back to me. He nods once and lifts a hand, indicating that I should come in and sit across from his bed.

“See, I told you. Whatever quarrel you had is over. Go make up with your man and put that ring back on your finger. Some people never get a second chance. You two are lucky.” She closes the door and as soon as it clicks shut, I want to race over to Sean and wrap my arms around him. I was so scared he was gone. The shot still rings in my ears and the whole horrific thing replays behind my eyes over and over again.

Sean is in a hospital robe with an IV in his arm. His dark hair is messy, but those blue eyes are alert and cautious. “Sit.” His voice is scratchy, like he needs water.

I take the seat opposite him. The words and fears I’d been holding in come rushing out. “I’m so glad you’re all right. When I heard the shot, I thought he hit me, but then you didn’t move. I thought he killed you. Sean, things are so complicated, but I know I want you in my life. If you’ve given up on us, I’ll walk out that door and never bother you again, but if for some reason you haven’t, if you still love me,” pressing my lips together, I get out of my chair and go and kneel next to his bed, “I want to be with you.”

We’re both quiet for a moment. Despite his stern gaze, I manage to say the rest, “Do you love me? After everything I put us through, and all the promises I broke, I can only beg. I deserted you when you finally trusted me. Sean, I was so scared, but last night frightened me more. I want you on any level you’ll have me. I can’t live without you, don’t you see? You’re my other half.” Tears are streaming down my face as I speak and my voice becomes softer and softer, but Sean doesn’t answer. His dark piercing gaze remains fixated on mine, harsh and unrelenting.

Continuing, I say, “This was my fault and you were trying. I just didn’t know what to do—that day in the box, the way you seemed gone. It scared me. I won’t lie to you—it was the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me. The only thing that frightened me more was seeing you fall last night. I thought you were gone forever. A life without you is impossible. Please tell me that I haven’t lost you. Sean, please say something. Either way, put me out of my misery.” I squeeze his hand and begin to withdraw mine when he clasps it, holding on tightly.

“It’s my fault. He’s gone, Avery. I fucked up.” Sean tilts his head back into the pillows and looks up at the ceiling. “I didn’t think I was capable of fucking things up like this, but it’s beyond that. I’m so far gone they should have left me to bleed out on the stage floor. I deserve it. There’s nothing that will make up for this.”

“What are you talking about? Sean…” I get up and sit on the edge of the bed, thinking he’s not as coherent as I thought he was. I examine his face for signs of a head injury, but don’t see one. My fingers take hold of his sheet. I pull it down slowly, waiting for him to stop me, but he doesn’t.
 

Sean tries to take a deep breath and winces. That’s when he looks at me and I freeze. “Go ahead and look. That’s what you want, right? To see if I’m disgusting on the outside now, too.”

“Sean!” I can’t believe he said that.

He lifts his robe revealing himself along with a bandaged torso. “I survived and he died—it’s so wrong.” He drops the robe and for a moment I’m afraid. Sean doesn’t sound right. He’s lucid, but his voice is off. “The fucking bullet misses me, but it didn’t miss him. I had a plan, but that asshole didn’t give me the chance and the gun. He fucking had the gun.” Sean’s big blue eyes meet mine. “Tell me you didn’t give it to him. Please, tell me that it wasn’t you.”

Bryan, we’re talking about Bryan. I don’t understand anything he just said except for the gun. I took it from the cabin. I was afraid they’d find the pilot I killed and blame Sean, so I kept it. I lied to his face over and over again. That gun shot Amanda. That gun was tied to so many bad things, but when Bryan asked for it he told me he had a plan. He also said he wouldn’t tell Sean he had it.
 

Swallowing hard, I say, “Bryan told you?” Oh shit. I stiffen and try to back away, but Sean grabs my wrist.

“I knew Bryan asked for it. Pete asked for it too, but things were better my way. I knew what I was doing, Avery. I trusted you and you gave the gun to him? Fuck. I knew how to live with the scorn and the public ready to tear me apart, but not this. I can’t endure this. Avery, they think Bryan did it—they think he killed Amanda. Mother came by a few moments ago and told me everything; so don’t pretend that I can’t handle it. Don’t handle me with kid gloves and come in here pretending to want to patch things up when you’re really here to see if it’s true.”

“If what’s true? Sean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The machine behind him starts to beep. His heart is racing too fast. I speak quickly, in a soothing voice, realizing that something has him upset, but without access to the rest of the world for a day, I don’t know what happened. “Shhhh, it’s okay. I’m sorry. It’ll be okay.”

The beeping stops and he stares at me. “Bryan didn’t do it. I can’t let him take the blame for it, but they don’t listen and Mother let them think it. Hallie. God, the look on her face… It wasn’t supposed to go that way. It was my fault, my mistake, and he took the hit. Now he’s gone.”

It finally sinks in. I blink once, becoming acutely aware of everything. “Are you saying Bryan’s dead?”

Sean looks up into my face with sorrow and remorse. “It was my fault. The other night when I left you with Trystan, there was a reason. It didn’t play out right. I was trying to help him and I fucked it up, Avery. Everything I touch dies. Everyone around me is poisoned. I can’t stand it. It’s my fault he’s gone too soon. It’s my fault he had my gun and everyone thinks he killed Amanda.
 

“I could live with it, you know. I had a grasp on my identity even though no one else knew. It was fine—they didn’t have to know me. I shut them all out, every single one, even you. You were right to walk away. It was your only chance. I can’t take you back. I won’t. I love you too much. I can’t do this again, Avery—I can’t.” His voice breaks on the last two words and he covers his face with his arm, hiding the tears on his cheek.

Taking his wrist, I lift his arm slightly and peer at him. Those blue eyes catch mine, and I see so much sorrow that I can barely hold his gaze. “I love you, too, and I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever.”

His arm slips to his side and his voice picks up a pleading tone. “You have to. I won’t marry you, not today, not tomorrow. I can’t fathom the life I’m about to have, and to pull you down with me is cruel. It’s unfair to you, Avery, and I won’t do it. I want you to have the life you dreamed of with the picket fence and the baby playing in the yard. I can see you there. I’ll help you get there, but you’ll have to go without me. I can’t cause you more pain, I couldn’t live with myself.”

Despite the words, the way he says that I need to stay away, I’m drawn to him. His candor is rare and in these moments I feel more connected to him than ever before. Leaning in closer and closer, my heart pounds harder and harder, until we’re lip to lip. Sean stops and I stare into his eyes, certain that I see his soul. He’s afraid, so full of fear that he can’t speak.
 

Brushing my fingers along his cheek, I wipe away a tear. “Did you say you love me?”

Sean tries to look away, but I don’t let him. Taking his chin in my hand, I pull it back toward me. “Avery, don’t.”

“I know you’re at your breaking point. I see it, my love. Trust me, just a little bit, just for tonight. Say anything, dream anything, and pretend that you have me.”

Sean looks hopeful. “You’ll stay the night?”

I nod. “If you’ll let me.”

“What about Scott?”

Smiling at his jealousy, I say, “I love you. Trystan’s just my friend. He’s not you.” Our eyes lock and something in the moment shifts. I see the walls fall and the relief flood from his heart. Guilt flares inside of me. The thing with Trystan isn’t clear, I can’t tell him that it’s possible we slept together and now isn’t the time. Sean needs someone. It sounds like his awful mother came in, told him he was responsible for his cousin’s death and left.
 

“Scott said I’d lose you if I wasn’t careful, and then he took you away from me. I thought I’d lost you.”

“You didn’t.” I smile down at him.

“I can’t keep you.” He lifts his hand and gently strokes my cheek. He’s hardly ever touched me that way and it sends a shiver through my body. Need flares and I want to be close to him and lay on his chest, but that’s not possible. He’s bandaged and it would hurt him to press on him there.

“You can, for tonight. I’m yours. I’m your friend, your confidant, maybe even your purchase, if you’d like.” I kid about the last part, but he still looks leery. “Sean, accept my help for once. You don’t have to fight off your past on your own, and God knows I don’t want to be alone either. Let me stay.” I kick off my cheap flip-flops and slip into bed with him. I lie on my side and pull the blanket over my jeans, and then prop my head up with my arm until we’re eye to eye. “Tell me to stay, Mr. Jones.”