The Andy Cohen Diaries (19 page)

“Well, I think we will try a man.” It worked! I deflected a legend and we were on a new subject.

“But your show is about
women
!” I said, a little too enthusiastically. The conversation went on and she later focused her mood on Queen Latifah, with whom she had some kind of weird misunderstanding/tussle. I was out of the hot seat, poor Dana Owens had taken my spot, and over at the end Whoopi was bugging her eyes out. During the next commercial break an audience member asked if BW would do my show. “Not after what he said earlier,” she sniffed. I thought Jenny said she was going to let it go?

As I walked out, Whoopi said, “We gotta
talk.
” I left the studio and called my mom, who was fiercely on my side. “Maybe it WAS a generational thing! You said exactly a FINE THING and by the way isn't that show supposed to be about sharing points of VIEW?”

This afternoon we pretaped Queen Latifah for our Thursday show. She walked in and said, “
You
got her real mad and then she took it out on ME!!” which she kinda had.

I made myself the Jackhole tonight so I could show the clip of me groveling at Barbara Walters as we went to commercial break. (The clip is simultaneously funny and pathetic.) And by the way, I had a bad taste in my mouth about it all day. I don't like insulting old ladies and I especially don't like insulting legends, especially lady legends. I'll send her flowers tomorrow.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2014

I felt like shit today and just stayed home under a blanket chilling out. I tried to start
The Interestings
AGAIN and couldn't get into it. It'll happen, I know it. The surgeon called and said Wacha is doing great and bearing weight on his new hip, which is a good sign. They won't let me visit him in the doggy hospital because they don't want to rile him up, or perhaps Barbara Walters has him sequestered as she decides how to torture him. In any case, it feels really empty and boring in my house without him.

I don't know what I would be doing with myself if I never got him. Looking at myself in the mirror? Having an orgy with a Dominican baseball team? Volunteer work? I could've gone in any direction.

Whoopi emailed and said, “You are a class act.” Then I got an email from Barbara Walters: “Dear Andy, All is forgiven. You were wonderful on
The View
. Not to worry and the flowers are beautiful. Hugs, Barbara.”
Hugs!!!
(And I loved that she italicized the name of her show, which is absolutely correct but I was hearing Cheri Oteri saying it.) I forwarded it to my mom, who said that she is acting her age. I don't know what that means but I think it's a read.
Hugs!

Cheri Oteri and Zach Gilford were on the show and it was a great one. We taped something where Cheri yelled at me as Barbara Walters. And I was totally sober. Again.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2014

I have the phone number for the Bus Stop Cafe written down on a piece of paper in a kitchen cabinet and the way it's written apparently it looks exactly like the
Forbes
magazine switchboard number, so I keep calling
Forbes
magazine when I order out. This has been happening for about three years. Will I ever rewrite the number, or will I continue torturing myself and the
Forbes
operator? It's a standoff.

The water-main break on Fourteenth Street and Fifth Avenue fucked me up three different times today—what are the chances? It's like I kept forgetting and drove
into
the scene over and over. En route to pick up Wacha from the hospital, my cab driver
loved
my red sweatpants. Was he coming on to me? I mean he really wouldn't shut up about the sweatpants. It was notable.

Wacha was a total champ despite the fact that he has a shaved patch and stitches and is wearing the dreaded cone and also a T-shirt that says, “I had surgery at Animal Medical Center,” which combined with the cone created a look that was simultaneously adorable and sad.
Sadorable.

John Cena and Natasha Lyonne were on the show tonight—weird combo but a fun show. Oh, and I sexted my sister by accident today. I was having a back-and-forth with the Italian and sent “I want a piece of you” to her and she sent back “?” and I said I was texting Grac Britney Spears lyrics. I don't know if she bought it. Awkie!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2014

Today Jimmy Kimmel announced he's taking his show on the road to SXSW in Texas in March. The thing is that we're going back again this year too
,
so now we are all freaked out that he's going to swoop in and we're going to look like losers and won't be able to get anyone to come on. I don't know whether to cancel or what. Michael (sagely as always) wants to stay the course and do our thing.

To make matters worse, I can't shake this cold. I worked out and it was shitty. I weighed myself and was the same as I was a week ago. I plateaued because I ate like shit in LA, I think. So now I have to grind it out. Met NeNe for tea at the Trump SoHo. She wants to do any variety of talk show. I told her to talk to Lisa before she agrees to go on
DWTS
. Had dinner with Sean Avery at the Waverly and he was late and I spent twenty minutes at the booth trying unsuccessfully not to stare at my phone, but guess who was back to keep me company: the flirty “straight” waiter. He was friendly again and beaming because he just became a new dad. So this proves that he's absolutely straight. It was actually sweet seeing him gushing about the wife and kid, but it reframed everything. (My relationship with this waiter has now been reframed four times in my mind. I need a hobby.)

SJP came over after her play. She ordered Thai food, I watched her eat, and we talked for hours about everything. Wacha had pooped in the guest room but neither of us smelled it, which was a relief because SJ is not a dog person at all (even though they have one). I don't want to give her ammo against Wacha; I want her to love him as much as I do even though she's not predisposed. I don't know what's up with the poop; I think he's constipated from the hip medication and it's fucking everything up. And the cone is just as sad as can be!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2014

I went to 30 Rock and Martha Stewart had sent me this piece of wood shaped like the United States as a gift for hosting the American Made Awards … in
October
! Not to be a dick or look a gift domestic diva in the mouth, but aren't we well beyond the “proper” window of thank-you gift, or do you have a year to thank someone for co-hosting your awards show? She did write a nice note. Anyway, it's a cool piece of wood with which I have no clue what to do.

After ten years on the other side of the table, I had my first pitch meeting at Bravo where
I
was doing the pitching. It was a funny dynamic and since I'm such a know-it-all I was telling them where to schedule the show I was pitching. After the meeting I sat down to catch up with Frances, who asked me how long I plan on keeping the beard. The question seemed innocuous until I told her I'd probably get rid of it in a few weeks. “What are you waiting for?” she quizzed right back.
Was there something I wasn't getting about the hair on my face?
Apparently there was and what at first was giving off a George Clooney vibe was now making me look like George Clooney's elderly uncle, and it was time for a shave. I (blissfully) get barely any notes from Frances about the editorial of
WWHL—
she really lets us do our thing
—
so I was weirdly energized by her strong point of view (albeit negative) about the beard. I'm shaving Sunday. Looks like Mom was right? Ugh.

Spooned with Wacha in bed for a two-hour nap—I still have this cold. But I had to get out of bed to go to Ralph's movie, which has been out a few weeks. I'm going to see him this weekend and won't be able to hold my head up if I don't see the movie first. It was good, he was great, but I am pretty sure Charles Dickens was a dick.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2014

The mean tailor on the corner of Jane has been there for as long as I have and I go to him only when forced (for instance, now that the nice old couple has been done away with). He hates his customers, is the problem. So this morning I was taking Wacha on a walk and saw the tailor for the first time out of his habitat, and he was super
nice
and dare I say
cheerful
. It was weird. I would think he would be mean on the street and nice in the store. People are nuts. Wasted a Saturday night home sick again. Being sick is certainly helping me not drink, though. It could be worse, I could have a cone around my face preventing me from licking myself, like Wacha.

Ralph came over for tea and we had a long talk and then made dinner plans for tomorrow. I think I offended him by asking if we would have anything to talk about at dinner since we'd just spent ninety minutes together.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2014

Good workout today. When was the last time I worked out on a Sunday?? I've been eating great too. I might see a little bone structure on my face or I might just be going crazy from lack of alcohol.

Had dinner with Ralph at Barbuto. That chicken is never bad. We had plenty to talk about.

It was the men of
RHOA
on
WWHL
tonight—a perfect example of a time where a whiskey would've really helped. By the way, Dave is white-knuckling, whiskey-less in Harrison.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2014

After a great workout I had lunch with Kandi at Morandi. We both ate so healthy: salad and grilled fish. After lunch I contemplated getting a burger. I didn't.

People on the street laugh at Wacha's cone the way I used to laugh at dogs with cones, uproariously. It doesn't feel great with the cone on the other foot. He pooped in the extra room again—very confusing. I can only assume that he's backed up or fucked up or upset or something. (I'm a veritable Cesar Millan with my uncanny abilities to read his mind.)

After the show I watched
Downton Abbey
—thankfully Mr. Molesley was not on. I just couldn't take it if he was. Mrs. Hughes was extra comforting to all tonight and Lord Grantham is still a dick.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2014

I was a guy who went to an office every day for twenty-four years, and suddenly these last few weeks I'm realizing the life I didn't have. There are all these
people
downtown. I don't know what the hell they're doing. Even today, in a blizzard that never stopped, there were people eating, shopping, working out, and carousing. Doesn't anyone have a job? The snow didn't stop me from an amazing workout; my Ninj and I did core work on the floor and five rounds of boxing and the good news is I am down to 171.5. I must've been 177 when I started. At least. I'm in a zone.

Met Bruce for a cozy lunch at Cafe Cluny. We ordered salad with double the chicken, and the chicken paillard was as thin as bologna, so it was expensive and completely unsatisfying. Like frisée and airy meat. Saw Andy Samberg and Seth Meyers there. So it was man-date day at Cluny. I'll never understand why they have that big roach sculpture thing on the ceiling; I don't get it. Every time I see it I get panicked that there's going to be a big-ass roach on the soap tray when I get home. Wacha definitely couldn't kill a roach with that cone around his face.

Gaga's people emailed asking for Housewives to be in her new video. We went through each cast and sent back two suggestions from each. She also asked me to play Zeus in the video; I said yes, although for some reason I can't see it happening, nor do I know what playing Zeus entails. I did a bunch of scheduling with Daryn today and I just don't know when I'm going to be able to do it, or if I believe Gaga really wants me in the first place.

Because of the blizzard we taped our show at seven so the crew could get home, which was a godsend. Neither rain nor snow nor dead of night can keep Adam from me, so I got a two-and-a-half-hour massage at nine-thirty with the fire blazing. It was heaven.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2014

Wacha got freed by Abe Lincoln Cohen last night. I took the cone off
and
let him sleep with me through the night for the first time. It was pretty great. He was so quiet and sweet. No snoring. Just shnoogled up against my leg. It was cold as shit today. Worked out and then took Wacha to get his stitches removed. He is doing great. I remain proud of my dog, as if I had something to do with his resilience after surgery. The
Today
show called at 5 to see if I would co-host the 9 a.m. hour tomorrow with Natalie Morales. I am happy they thought of me, and said yes. I've got Matt and Savannah on tomorrow night, so it'll almost seem like it's a planned tie-in, when I actually think Roker just has a case of the sharts. I actually may develop the same condition because I'm nervous about interviewing Lauer tomorrow. He's one of my favorite broadcasters and I guess I always thought he was too big or too cool to do my show; I don't want to fuck this up.

On my show we had Melissa Gilbert, Nick Kroll, and a gigolo from
Gigolos
behind the bar, so that was an insane conversation. Melissa Gilbert was very nice and Spanxed into a Herve Leger dress (which I can spot a mile away because it is an OC Housewife favorite). Apparently that gigolo makes 4k for an overnight. His ass was great but we looked at naked pics of him after the show and I don't know if he looks like he's worth 4k. I did a fake shot (iced tea) and weigh 171.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2014—NYC–LOS ANGELES

I let the dog sleep with me again because I'm ditching him today for LA. And it was more like a nap because I was up at six-thirty to do the
Today
show. I had some early-morning nako-time in front of the mirror and it was horrifying. I've been feeling thin but I gotta lose the gut. It was so cold and I was so tired that I drank three teas before the show. Sweet David Lauren was there “unveiling” the new Ralph Lauren U.S. Olympic team sweaters they're wearing for opening ceremonies, and he gave me one. It looks like a Christmas sweater threw up in Washington, DC. But I Instagrammed it anyway. I was surprised by the lack of pre-show preparation; the producers really do just throw you into the ring and let you go, which is kind of an amazing trust fall. During the host chat we played a clip of this tennis reporter asking the winner of the Australian Open what guy she'd like to date—there's a controversy about whether the question was sexist. I referred to “the poor lesbian reporter who asked it” and I guess either outed the lady or offended someone or speculated when you're not allowed to speculate. She was a bull dyke and you wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out. The crew all busted up. The segments were really simple—car-buying tips, animal adoption, some uplifting Olympics piece … And at the end of the show the producer said that they'd put something in the prompter that I needed to read, clarifying that I don't
know
whether she's a lesbian and I was just
speculating
about something I don't know. At that point Hoda said, “You're already apologizing???” I left the studio thinking it was funny and hoping it will go away. Everything becomes a “controversy” these days.