The American Princess - Best Love Story Ever (36 page)

"Who else? Usually I warn of an impending
hurricane, because I can save the most lives that way. But this
time I am forfeiting hundreds of lives to save yours. You might
wonder why I would do that?"

She did up two buttons on the shirt. "Now
that you mention it."

"In saving your life, I may be saving
millions of lives, and the democracies of the free world."

"That sounds like no mean feat."

"Stop being a smarty-pants, and pay
attention. My name is Lord Worthington, but I come to you now as
this gray ghost that you see before you. In 1773, I was riding to
make a formal proposal of marriage to my beloved, Jane Clementine.
Does the name sound familiar?"

"My mother's middle name was Clementine."

"Indeed. Jane Clementine was your great,
great, great, great, great grandmother."

"You were in love with my great, great—how
many greats?"

"Five."

"Great, great, great grandmother?"

"She was everything to me. I had been sent to
America by British Prime Minister North, to negotiate the repeal of
the Tea Act, and to offer our American colonies full representation
in the British Parliament."

"You jest." She glanced over at a slumbering
Brad, and thought about waking him.

"It was a major shift in British policy.
North had a hell of a time, but he finally managed to get that
insane King George III to agree to full representation for our
American colonials. The signing was to take place four days hence.
If it had, Boston would have missed out on its tea party, there
would not have been a Declaration of Independence, and the British
Empire would have flourished."

"Rule Britannia."

"It should have been. But Goritch sent her
bungling son, Cupid, to punish my dearest Jane for grievances from
the past, and to destroy the British Empire while she was at
it."

That is too unbelievable. "How could Goritch
do that?"

"Her plan, ridiculous as it may seem, was to
make dearest Jane fall in love with my horse, and then murder me.
Her success would have brought an end to a long line of beautiful
women, and set the British Empire on a slippery downward
slope."

"Did she succeed?"

"Partially. After the fall of Rome, Zeus
decreed that the gods could no longer interfere in the lives of
Earth mortals. Cupid, although fearful of Zeus, agreed to do his
mother's dirty work one last time. When he arrived, at what is now
Myrtle Beach, he decided to shoot Empire first. The inept scoundrel
almost missed the entire horse—it was just a fluke that he hit poor
Empire in the nuts."

Betty-Jo couldn't help herself—she
laughed.

"When it happened to me, I laughed too," Lord
Worthington said. "At least I laughed until Empire took off into a
bog. My anguish was short-lived, and terminal. I was going down
with my horse, and nothing could be done to save me. Of course
dearest Jane tried. My dear darling ran straight away into the
quicksand, but she couldn't reach me. I was too far out. Her father
rescued her, but it was the end for me."

"My God!"

"Not your God, my dear—Goritch! So the treaty
went unsigned, and Britain never recovered from the loss of her
American colonies. It was the beginning of the end of Britain's
glory years."

"Unbelievable!"

"There is more to the story. My dearest Jane
was a direct descendant of Psyche, who in turn was a direct
descendant of Helen of Troy. "

"I'm related to Psyche and Helen of
Troy?"

"Indeed you are." A chill, and then a dread
ran through her, as the implications of what the apparition was
telling her began to sink in. "What Venus did was also done to
prevent my dearest Jane from marrying, and passing Helen's beauty
on to future generations. Fortunately, dearest Jane did not fall in
love with Empire, because he died with me. Eventually she married,
and because she did, Helen's beauty was passed along to you."

"Did Zeus discover what Venus had done?"

"Of course. And he was furious, because the
British Empire was not the first empire that Goritch had destroyed.
She had also destroyed the Grecian and Roman Empires, and it is
rumored that, because of her, the Mongol hoards were able to
overrun Asia and part of Europe in the 13th century. Destroying
empires amuses her."

"Venus is like a malicious boy, playing god
with a colony of ants. But why does she do it?"

"For starters, she is insane, but she also
gets her jollies from toying with mortals. Gods live forever, and
after a while, much of their daily routine is about as exciting as
watching a snail race."

"How can the gods live forever?"

"Long ago, the gods learned how to halt
telomere shortening. They are biologically and technologically far
superior to us. Unfortunately for us, it's boring on Olympus. So
changing the destiny of Earth's nations is a sport the gods love.
Now, since Zeus' decree, they are afraid to play. The gods long to
frolic on earth once more, but they fear the wrath of Zeus. All,
that is, except for Goritch. She can't stay away from the
sport."

"So what happened to Venus when Zeus
discovered what she'd done to you?"

"Zeus told Goritch that if she ever again
meddled in the lives of the earth mortals, she would be cast out of
Olympus quicker than an alien abduction."

"There really are aliens?" Betty-Jo
asked.

"There are no aliens, but there really are
gods. In any event, to partially compensate me for what Goritch had
done, Zeus gave me visiting privileges, but only in the form of
this gray ghost that you see before you now."

"He can do that?"

"Zeus is powerful. The gods have valid
reasons for calling him almighty Zeus."

"I'm impressed."

"Betty-Jo, I am not privy to all of the
details, but in the spirit world it is common knowledge that
Goritch is still seeking revenge for what she believes Paris did to
her."

"I'm somewhat sympathetic. Paris ratted to
Zeus about how Venus rigged the beauty contest."

"Paris did not rat, and the beauty contest
was never rigged, although not for lack of trying. The gods have
taken tampering and deceit to a whole new level."

"I thought Venus promised Paris the most
beautiful of mortal women if she won the contest."

"She did, but the other two contestants—Hera,
Zeus' wife and the Queen of Olympus, and Athena, the goddess of
wisdom—also tried to sway the noble Paris."

"What did they offer him?"

"Hera promised to make him the ruler of Asia
if he chose her, and Athena promised him supreme wisdom."

"I think I'd have gone for supreme wisdom,
although ruler of Asia might have been fun. It would have been
Princess Anastasia and me."

Lord Worthington gave Betty-Jo a disapproving
head-shake. "You would not want to have ended up like poor
Anastasia."

"So why did Paris choose Venus?"

"The offers of both Hera and Athena had more
appeal for Paris than Venus' offer of the most beautiful mortal
woman. Paris had been chosen to judge the beauty contest because he
was the handsomest of men, and therefor assumed to be best
qualified to judge feminine beauty."

Betty-Jo gave Lord Worthington her best
miffed look. "As good a reason as any, I suppose."

"With his good looks and social position,
Paris could have had almost any woman he wanted. But Paris could
not be corrupted, he chose the goddess that he deemed to be the
fairest. He chose the Gorgeous Bitch."

"I like honesty in a man."

"Honesty is a virtue in both sexes. But
despite the honesty of his selection, the goddess of love insisted
that Paris be rewarded for choosing her. The notion that someone
could not be bribed was beyond Goritch's ability to
comprehend."

Betty-Jo shook her head. "Why am I not
surprised?"

"Nobel Paris had no intention of taking
another man's wife, but when he beheld Helen's beauty, he was
spellbound, unable to resist her."

"A ship launching enchantress named Helen
really existed?"

"Helen was real alright—real enough to break
Paris' heart when Menelaus took her back, after ten years of
fighting. Paris begged Goritch to help him get Helen back, but she
refused. In desperation, he reminded her that the Golden Apple was
hers because she had promised him Helen. Zeus happened to overhear
that part of their conversation."

"So Paris didn't snitch on Venus!" Betty-Jo
was pleased. "I should have known he wouldn't."

"He never said a word to Zeus, but Goritch
always thought that he was the informer. And Paris, when he finally
realized that he could never get Helen back, married and had
children. Your Bradley is Paris' direct descendant, his many-greats
grandson."

Utter horror gripped Betty-Jo. "It's for
revenge that Venus has befriended Brad—isn't it?"

"Undoubtedly. Goritch is driven by a twisted
and vindictive mind set that even Dale Carnegie would be hard
pressed to temper."

"Obviously, Venus isn't into winning
friends," a gloomy Betty-Jo said.

"Remember, the gods live forever. They make
plans over millennia, not over a lifetime as do mortals. It is
known that Mercury is here on earth working for Goritch. It would
seem that the winged messenger god still has the hots for her. She
has used her considerable charms to make him defy Zeus, as he is
rumored to have done when your mother died."

Betty-Jo was stunned. "My mother?"

"Rumor has it that when your mother died in
the sailing mishap, Mercury was here on earth, and Eurus was with
him."

"Eurus?"

"Eurus is the god of the perilous east
wind."

"My mother was murdered?"

"I have no proof, but I suspect she was. Even
though Mercury was the runt of the litter, and has no weapons of
his own, he is a dangerous adversary. He can possess some mortals,
he spreads falsehood and deceit, and occasionally, he is even able
to coerce some of the other gods into helping him."

"But why would Venus have my mother murdered
after I'd already been born? It doesn't make sense."

"Unless Goritch did it just for the fun of
watching you suffer while she was waiting for you to turn nineteen,
so she could kill you."

"Nobody could be that cruel and
vindictive."

"Don't be too sure. Goritch has Mercury
telling your Bradley tales of her rehabilitation. She has convinced
him that she wants to make amends for past wrongs."

"I can't believe that! But she doesn't."

"Quite correct. She is having apoplexy over
your beauty, and the adoration that you are receiving from male
mortals. Many men still regard Goritch as the epitome of feminine
beauty, and that is the way she wants it."

"The woman's in love with herself!"

"It's worse than that. Goritch is a very sick
puppy—certifiably insane, but in a cunning sort of way. She had
Marilyn Monroe removed, when Marilyn created too much competition
for her. And now she has her heart set on removing you. Eliminating
you gives her a three bager. She gets rid of the most beautiful
woman in the universe, she also..."

"I'm the most beautiful woman in the
universe?" Betty-Jo was incredulous.

"That is what the bookmakers are saying."

"What bookmakers?"

"Zeus has decreed, beginning in the year two
thousand, and every century thereafter, that an all-universe beauty
contest will be held to determine the fairest woman. The most
beautiful earth mortal will be entered, and if she wins, she will
be made immortal—like Psyche was. Among those who like to wager on
such events, you are the frontrunner. Goritch is a close second."
Betty-Jo stared at Lord Worthington, horrified. Her mouth opened,
but no sound came out. "Of course if you win the All-Universe, the
Golden Apple is yours."

"I'm a dead Tawny Cat."

"That is what I've been trying to tell you!
And not just because trashing you ensures that Goritch will win the
Golden Apple. Killing you also exacts her revenge on Paris, Psyche
and Zeus."

"How does killing me hurt Zeus?"

"You are related to Zeus."

"Say what?"

"Back in the days of the ancient Greeks, Zeus
had the hots for a beautiful goddess named Nemesis, but Nemesis
despised him. In an attempt to deny Zeus, she turned herself into a
goose."

"A silly goose. If she really wanted to
discourage Zeus she should have turned herself into a porcupine.
Nobody gets friendly with a porcupine, without permission."

"You are right. That is what Nemesis should
have done, because Zeus promptly turned himself into a swan, and
had her. From that union came an egg, and from that egg came the
exquisite Helen."

"Helen of Troy was Zeus' daughter?"

"No gum sticks to your bum," the gray ghost
said.

He's lost it. "No gum sticks to your bum?
What's that all about?"

"Forget it. A saying on Olympus."

"So I'm related not only to Psyche and Helen,
but to Zeus as well—and Venus knows that."

"Right."

"If I'm related to Psyche, does that make me
a princess?"

"Not in Britain. In Britain you only get to
be a real princess for three generations, but perhaps you qualify
to be an American princess."

"I'm afraid not. We don't have
princesses."

"You don't have kings either, but few would
dispute that Elvis was king."

Betty-Jo laughed. "It doesn't matter. I'm
Brad's fairytale princess, and that's more than enough for me."

"The gods consider you to be a princess," the
gray ghost said. "They pass titles on in perpetuity. They refer to
you as Princess Betty-Jo."

"Princess Betty-Jo." She tried it on for
size. "I think I could get used to that."

"Well, Princess Betty-Jo, you should also get
used to the idea that if Goritch succeeds in killing you, she will
also succeed in destroying America."