The American Lover (22 page)

Well, whatever he was doing here, I’d just have to get rid of him as soon as possible. I forced myself to sit up in bed, waited for the nauseous feeling to pass, then slowly got up. 

As I wrapped myself in my dressing gown and headed out, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. I had big panda eyes from all the makeup I'd been wearing last night, my hair looked like a birds nest, and I was as pale as a ghost, with the added bonus of a sickly green tinge.

Boy, what an attractive sight I made.

Caleb seemed to have made himself right at home in my kitchen. There was a pot of coffee on the side, and he was busy opening a tin of cat food, while Stan was frantically entwining himself round his legs as he meowed loudly and pitifully.

“Alright fella, there you go,” Caleb smiled, as he put the bowl of food down and then stroked Stan as he leapt on the food. You’d think that cat hadn't been fed for a fortnight, the show he put on.

Now the question was, could I manage to sneak to the shower before Caleb spotted me?

“So, you’re finally up. Morning, Faith.”

No, obviously I couldn’t.

Caleb treated me to one of his glorious smiles, which reminded me how much I liked his smile, my favourite being his sleepy, first thing in the morning smile… I pulled myself up sharp.  No room for those kinds of thoughts now.

I noticed there was a neatly folded blanket and pillow on the sofa in the living area - evidence of where Caleb must have spent the night - along with a suitcase in the corner that had to be his. He must have had an uncomfortable night - a man his size on that small sofa.  Well, that had been his choice, I hadn't asked him to stay - or had I?
Shit
. I really couldn’t remember much about last night at all.

“What are you doing here, Caleb?” My voice came out really gravelly, thanks to my parched mouth and scratchy throat, which had similarities to the bottom of a parrot’s cage

“Told you last night.  We have unfinished business. Tea? Coffee? Or I went down to the corner store while you were still out cold, and got you some orange juice - maybe you’d prefer that instead?” he offered, smiling in apparent amusement at my obvious discomfort.
Bastard.

I tried to ignore how great he looked in comparison to me, how my treacherous heart leapt with happiness at seeing him again. He looked so normal and nice and clean in his washed out jeans and plain white T shirt, while under my tatty old dressing gown I was still in my grungy undies from last night, with makeup streaked all over my face.

“Shower. I need to grab a shower first,” I mumbled.

“Good idea. I’ve already taken one, but there should still be plenty of hot water.  We’ll talk later.  Just make sure you scrub every last bit of that shit off your face while you’re in there.  You don't need it and it doesn't suit you,” he stated disapprovingly.

“For God’s sake, Caleb, you sound just like my dad used to when I was a teenager.” I rolled my eyes as I stomped off to the bathroom.

“And your slutty clothes from last night are in the trash, in case you wondered where they’d gone. Only place they were fit for,” he called after me, as I slammed the door, which only made my head hurt even worse of course.

Fucking nerve of the man! Who the hell did he think he was, pronouncing judgement on my appearance like that? It was beside the point that I’d already decided that I was never going to wear that tarty outfit again, and it was irrelevant that I couldn’t wait to denude myself of all this revolting makeup. I was allowed to experiment and try out new looks if I wanted to, wasn’t I?

I stayed under the shower for as long as I could, until the hot water finally ran out. At least I felt a bit better by then, although my stomach was still decidedly queasy. I brushed my teeth, grabbed some clean underwear, jeans and a loose white cotton top from the airing cupboard in the bathroom, then towel dried my hair, combed it through and just left it to dry naturally. The face looking back at me from the mirror was more like the old Faith, if still a rather pale and wan version.

Now I supposed I couldn’t put it off any longer. It was time to face the music, so I headed back to the kitchen.

“You look a bit better - less like the living dead. Sit and eat your breakfast.  I’ve gone ahead and made you some tea, but there’s also the coffee or OJ if you prefer. I also picked you up some headache pills, which I’m guessing you might appreciate.” Caleb was sitting at the small table in my kitchen, sipping his mug of black coffee. “Now, please, come and sit down here, rather than glaring at me from over there.”

Very begrudgingly, I sat down with him, grabbed the pills, and took them with a swig from the mug of steaming hot tea, which, as he’d made it exactly how I liked it, tasted divine.

“Why are you here, Caleb?” I sighed, as I rubbed my forehead to ease the tension.

“Why did you run away, Faith?” He deflected my question with his.

“I didn't.”

“You sure as hell did. You just up and left, without so much as a good bye, then cut off all means of communication between us.” He sounded pretty pissed off, which pissed me off, when all I'd been trying to do was spare us both the aggro and complications that getting involved would inevitably have entailed.

“I did say good bye, actually.  In my letter, which explained everything. After that, there wasn't anything more to say.  I didn't see the point of wasting any more of your time once I’d decided not to take the job,” I shrugged, as I spread some marmalade on a piece of the toast, more for something to do than because I actually fancied eating it.

“Okay, so let’s talk about the job for a minute. Why exactly are you turning it down, when you know it’s a great opportunity that you’d be perfect for?” he demanded.

“Maybe I would, but maybe it wouldn’t be perfect for me. Sure, if I was there, the system integration would more than likely go a lot easier for you guys, but what would happen once everything was running smoothly? I’d be kicked out, left high and dry on the other side of the world. So I decided it wasn’t for me,” I stated.

“You really think I'd let that happen?” Caleb’s eyes bore into me.

“We both know the score when it comes to the realities of business, Caleb.  Fact is, the more swiftly I managed the integration, the sooner my role would become redundant and then I’d be let go.  I understand, it wouldn’t be anything personal,” I countered.

“These excuses about the job are all bullshit, and you know it, Faith. Be honest, and admit that the real reason you ran out on me was because of the feelings that were developing between us.” He reached over to take my hand, but I snatched it away.

“No! Of course not. I would never be so stupid as to think having sex meant there was anything else between us. We’ve always made that distinction crystal clear,” I insisted.

“Well, I must be the stupid one here then, because for me it has come to mean something else. You know, it’s not only women who get used, and I’ve grown tired of women only wanting me for a quick fuck. Trust me, I've become an expert on mindless sex since my divorce, and I’m telling you, what we shared was far more than that.  And that’s because we’ve begun to actually care about each other.  And I admit that I was stupid, very stupid, for not having the guts to open up and be more honest with you about what I felt was happening. So that’s why I’m here now. To set the record straight and tell you how I really feel.” This time he took both my hands firmly in his. “Look at me, Faith. Please.”

Reluctantly, I looked at his serious face.

“What the hell are you talking about, Caleb?” I frowned.

“Truth is, I’m in serious danger of falling completely in love with you.  And I think, I hope anyhow, that maybe you could also be in serious danger of falling in love with me too. And I'm not gonna lie, just like you, these feelings scare the shit out of me.”

“Caleb…” I tried to interrupt and head him off, but he was having none of it.

“Would you please shut up for a minute, Faith? Just let me say what I came all the way over here to say - I think you at least owe me that after the way you sneaked out,” he insisted.

“Fine, if you must,” I rolled my eyes, thinking I'd get no peace until I’d let him get all this nonsense off his chest.

“You know, I had no intention of developing these kinds of feelings for you, but they just kind of snuck up on me.  I guess that’s what happens when you enjoy every minute you spend with a person, when you can't wait to see them, and when you get goose bumps just at the thought of being with them again.”

What in hell was I supposed to say, when all this could possibly be was a passing infatuation for someone like him?

“Caleb, that’s all very well…”

“I haven’t finished yet. Not by a long shot,” he interrupted.

“Oh for pity’s sake,” I mumbled tetchily. “Guess you’re the one with verbal diarrhoea today.”

“Look, I get how you wouldn’t see me as any kind of a long term prospect, after the way I've acted since my divorce, the things I told you about not wanting to get involved. I get how you might struggle to believe I’m serious, and I’m not denying we both have deep-seated issues that make us wary of having any kind of a serious relationship again.”

“Yep. All true,” I agreed.

“But here’s the thing, Faith. We can't change the past, but the fact is we’re still both young and have our whole lives in front of us.  Life is too short to miss grabbing a chance to be happy, so why not accept there’s nothing wrong with allowing ourselves some new dreams for the future?”

He finally paused to draw breath, and I took the opportunity to retrieve my hands from his tight grip.

“Am I allowed to speak now?” I scowled, as I folded my arms across my chest, maybe as some kind of unconscious barrier over my heart.

“Sure, you go right ahead with all your excuses and arguments. Bring it on.  I’ve had plenty of time over the last week for reflection, so I'm ready for them.” Caleb leant back in his chair, and also folded his arms across his chest challengingly.

“I'm not saying it’s wrong to have dreams, Caleb, and of course we can't change the past. But it would be madness not to learn from it, surely you can accept that? We agreed from the outset it would only be sex between us. I made it absolutely clear that the prospect of love was not on the agenda.  I couldn’t go through any of that again. Ever.  So, as far as I'm concerned, all we shared was sex, nothing more. That’s it. End of. ”

My head was doing its best to protect what was left of my poor battered heart by overruling it, and ignoring the draw I felt to Caleb.

“No, I disagree, Faith. You’re in denial, that’s all. Things may have started out that way, but even though neither of us went looking for this, it
has
happened, whether you want it to or not.  I have feelings for you, and you have feelings for me,” he calmly insisted.

“Okay, time to tell it how it really is, for you to face up to a few cold hard facts, Caleb. Yeah, okay, so we like each other enough for the sex to be pretty hot, but other than that, we’re not exactly a match made in heaven, are we? We live on opposite sides of the world and don't have anything in common. And you could have practically any woman you want, so why on earth would you be satisfied with someone as distinctly average as me?” I scoffed.

“Faith, you honestly have no idea what a natural beauty you are, how truly unique you are, do you?” Caleb sighed, as he leaned over and cupped my face with his big warm hands.  “I guess that’s why you acted so out of character last night, thinking you needed to dress that way to attract some sleazy guy.  Which, by the way, was incredibly stupid and I’m still very angry about you putting yourself at risk like that. Your friend Harriet was horrified about how things nearly turned out, too.”

“Harry? How do you know what she thinks?” I frowned.

“She stopped by last night, just after you passed out.  Seems that low-life douche who was mauling you went back to her party, and started mouthing off about you, so she threw him out and then came down to check you were okay.”

“Oh, crap!  I really hope I haven’t embarrassed her,” I cringed.

“For fuck’s sake, he’s the one who should be worried, not you!” Caleb exploded. “I was there don't forget, so I know he continued to assault you, even after you clearly told him to stop.”

“But after the way I dressed, the way I acted…”

“Makes no difference. There are never any exceptions. When a woman tells a man to stop, that’s what he has to do, no question, whatever the circumstances. But you were irresponsible, in allowing yourself to end up in such a fix,” he chided.

“Yeah, yeah, save the lecture. I’ll be more careful next time,” I muttered sullenly.

“I don't want there to be a next time, Faith. I don't want you seeing other guys, because I want you to be with me. That’s why I'm here, to tell you that I want us to try and work something out. When you cut me off, wouldn’t take my calls, or answer my emails, you left me no choice but to come over here to London to get things sorted out between us.”

“Sorry, but you’ve had a wasted journey. Not interested,” I stated flatly.

“You know, neither was I to start with.  I certainly didn't set out to fall in love with you, but then I realized I was the happiest I could remember being for a very long time when I was with you, for all sorts of reasons. One being that we can talk about anything and everything. Do you know, I think I’ve talked to you more in the relatively short time we’ve spent together, than I did the whole time I was married to my ex-wife?  You say we have nothing in common? Well, let me tell you, you are wrong. It was Cassie and I who had virtually nothing in common, I realize now.  You and me, we can even talk about work, which was always a total no-go area with my ex, so I really appreciate having someone I can talk things through with. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you’re always interesting, never boring.  So I found myself looking forward to seeing you every day, until it got to the point where I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you around anymore.”