The Adulterer's Unofficial Guide to Family Vacations, A Novel (27 page)

“I don’t know,” and I didn’t.
I loved him.
I wanted to make love to him so badly I was in danger of drowning in my own juices.
But the thought was planted and starting to grow.

Reaching up to touch his face, I recanted, “No.
I’m sorry.
I’m not making any sense right now.”

Nick kissed my fingers then my lips, and I knew I was lost.
My hands ran down his arms and feverishly worked to undo each button on his shirt.

He responded by laying me down on the bed, leaning over me, kissing my neck.
Pulling his shirt off, my fingers traveled the landscape of his smooth, muscular chest, stroking his skin before reaching down and pulling his hips hard against mine.
I didn’t just want to make love to him… I wanted to fuck him… hard.

“Laura,” he breathed agonizingly in my ear, “Laura, I need you… I need this…”

He pulled my shirt off and reached behind me to unfasten my bra.
His lips trailed from one nipple to the other.
I could feel the vibrations in his throat as he moaned while taking me in his mouth.

My movements were desperate as I pulled his jeans off and removed my own.
His boxers and my panties joined the rest of our clothes on the floor.
I pulled him inside me, crying out as he entered the warm, moist confines of my pussy.

“Laura,” his voice was rough with pleasure.
“My God…” Nick thrust himself inside me, all the way to the hilt.

“B…bbaby,” I sobbed, “please,”
Tears pooled in my eyes, making my vision blurry.
I didn’t need to see him.
I could feel him.
And he felt so damn good.

Nick’s rough thumbs swept my cheeks, wiping tears away.
He was staring hard into my eyes as though he was trying to read my mind.
My orgasm was building and the tears were flowing freely as I felt him sliding in and out of me.
I was breathing heavily, unevenly, working so hard for that wonderful, magical sensation to burst between my thighs.

Something wet fell on my breasts, and I looked up to see that Nick’s tears were dropping onto me.
Emotion built rapidly and I felt this overwhelmingly sad euphoria bonding us.
I came harder than I ever had before.
For a moment, I thought I blacked out, coming to just as Nick’s body shuddered with violent tremors.
His voice was full of anguish as it cried out.

Tears from both of us sizzled on my cheeks.
Nick collapsed onto his back, pulling me into his arms and together, both of our bodies were wracked by sobs for what seemed like a very, very long time.

We knew.
It was over between us.
You know that saying, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
Well, it sucks.
Here was the most passionate moment of our relationship, raging with white hot emotion and lust, and we were ending it.

As we walked out of the hotel room, Nick’s voice was choked with sorrow, “Laura, I love you.”

I started to cry again, falling back against my car.
Nick held me for a moment, then said good-bye and drove away.
I waited until the tears quit falling, before getting into my car and heading home.

A very important part of me died that afternoon.
For the next few months, I moved from class to class like a zombie.
Nick and I would catch each other’s eyes from time to time, but we said nothing.
We avoided each other, knowing that it would take very little to drive us into each other’s arms, and that could not happen again.

I spent the afternoons we used to make love staring out of my office window.
One day, I was doing just that when I heard Nick’s voice in the doorway.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I responded carefully.
It was unnerving how that one word held so much meaning.

Nick shifted from one foot to the other and jammed his hands in his pockets, “I’ve taken a job on the east coast.”

“Oh,” was all I could come up with.

“Yeah.
I leave next week.
I just wanted to tell you that.”
His face was flushed, blue veins throbbing beneath his skin.

“Oh.” I was afraid to say more.
If I opened my mouth, I might beg him not to move… to stay… to meet me at our hotel in ten minutes.
But I couldn’t.
If I did, it would never end.
And it had to end, no matter how much I wanted to keep going.

Nick frowned as he nodded, then left my office.
It was the last time I ever saw him.
I was convinced that he took my heart with him that afternoon.

Chapter 31

“Ben!” I shouted, but it was no use.
The crowd was too thick.
I couldn’t see my son!
Jack looked up at me, his eyes bright with fear.
The blood in my veins had turned to molasses as panic began to set in.

Calm down
, I told myself.
You’ll find him
.
He’s somewhere in here.
I continued to look ahead of me, but several adults blocked my view.
With horror, I realized he could be anywhere… in front of or behind me.
I’m pretty sure I forgot to breathe.
I’d lost my son!
Oh my God!

We reached the gate and found Alan and the girls.
I quickly told him what happened.

“You take the kids over there,” he pointed to a bench, “and I’ll find him.”
Alan’s eyes were dark with worry.

I shook my head, “No.
You take the kids.
He’s my son.
I lost him.
I’ll find him.”

Alan must have seen the look of desperation on my face, because he agreed, and taking Jack, he moved to the bench.

Now what?
My mind raced.
Should I go past the gate, or screen everyone who was behind me?
For a moment, I was paralyzed with indecision.
This was no time to unravel, but that’s exactly what I did.

Any semblance of a plan evaporated as I darted through the crowd, screaming for my little Ben.
Please…please let him be okay!
The tears were slaloming down my cheeks as I tried to keep it together.
But no matter what I tried, I couldn’t find him!

Finally, the last of the crowd had filed through the gate, but no Ben.
He must have gotten past me!
I raced through to the busses, calling for him.
Ben wasn’t there.
I stood, doubled over and panting, wondering what to do next.

My imagination broke free, thinking of pedophiles and kidnappers.
I turned back toward the park, running with everything I had left in me.
A sharp pain in my side stopped me just short of the gate and I again doubled over.
I felt like vomiting.

“Ma’am?” A security officer put his hand on my arm to steady me.

“My little boy… lost… can’t find him…” I managed through gasps.

“It’s alright, Ma’am. We’ll find him.”

I stood up and looked at him, hoping he had some kind of magic wand that would find Ben and make my life perfect.
Tim, the security guard, helped me search each bus with no luck.
We rejoined Alan at the gate, but he hadn’t found him either.

“Oh God, Alan!
What are we going to do?”

Alan looked into my eyes, “We’ll find him, Laura.”
But he wasn’t fooling me.
I could smell the fear behind the words.

“And what if we don’t?!” I shrieked.

Alan looked at the three worried faces at his waist, and then drew me aside, “Laura!
You have to calm down!
The kids are scared enough.”

I looked at them.
He was right.
But Ben was alone somewhere, wondering where I was.

Tim returned from the guard shack, “He’s not here Mrs. Smith.
I had everyone combing the park.”

“How can that be?” I pleaded, “it’s only been half an hour!”

Alan frowned, “Laura, we’ve been here an hour and a half.”

“We have?” I managed weakly.

Tim removed his hat and scratched his head, “It’s late, Ma’am.
The park is closed and he’s not here.
I’ll send out an emergency notice to the other parks, bus drivers and hotels.
Do you have a photo of him?”

I reached into my bag and pulled out my wallet.
Ben’s eyes stared up from the school photo, full of trust.
With a heavy sigh, I handed all I had left of my little boy to a man I didn’t even know.

“I’ll scan this,” Tim said, “I’ll be right back.”

My eyes searched the darkness, hoping for a clue, anything that would lead me to my son.
“Where is he, Alan?”

Alan shook his head, “I don’t know.
We will find him.
I promise you.
We aren’t leaving until we do.”

Tim joined us, “Thanks.”
He handed back the picture, “That’s all we can do for tonight.
Go back to the hotel and let them know what happened.
You’ll hear from us when we find him.”

 
He sounded so sure of himself.
The words, “when we find him,” ran like an automated marquee through my head.
I tried to argue, begging to stay and continue searching.

“Sorry Ma’am,” Tim said slowly, “You can’t stay here.
Go back to the hotel.
We’ll keep looking.
Believe me, this happens all the time.”

“No!”
I said forcefully.

Tim responded gently, “We need to be able to reach you.
It’s better if you go back to your room and wait by the phone.”

I looked at Alan.
He didn’t seem to know what to do either.
After a few moments, he spoke up, “Let’s go, Laura.
The kids are scared.
We’ll find him.
I promise.”

Tim called a van to take us back to the hotel.
Alan tried to calm the children down, but I felt like carbon-based lump of pain.
My worst fear had come true.
I lost one of my children!
It was stupid!
What was I thinking?
I continued to beat myself senseless all the way back.

“Thanks,” Alan tipped the driver, and then led us through the lobby to the exit by the pool.
Jenny, Alice and Jack watched me with wide, terrified expressions.
We moved slowly past the chaise lounges.
I didn’t want to go back to our rooms with out Ben.

This was it.
The lowest point in my life.
I didn’t even have to work hard to get there.
I just did all the same idiotic things I always did – made poor decisions.
These things had only hurt me before.
Now my actions had hurt my son.
How could I do that to him?
I shouldn’t even be a mother anymore!
I…

Out of the corner of my eye, something moved.
My feet stopped and I squinted into the darkness.

“Mommy?”
Ben’s voice shot through me like electric current.
He was laying on one of the lounge chairs!
He was alright!
My baby was okay!

I collapsed into a sitting position on the ground and pulled him into my arms, patting his back, “It’s okay sweetheart,” I repeated over and over.
Ben’s little body was shaking with sobs.
He had been terrified.

“You let go of me, Mommy!
Why did you let go of me?”
His plaintive voice cried.

The realization hit me like a charging rhino.
I had let go of him.
It was all my fault!
I released him from his safe connection so he could be swallowed by the crowd!
What was wrong with me?

“Ben!
He must have gotten on the bus and come here on his own!” Alan’s voice was choked with emotion as he and the kids crowded around us.

“Yay Mommy!” Jenny began to sing.

“You did it!”
Alice hugged me.

And while everyone else was celebrating, I was filled with despair.
I didn’t do it.
I didn’t find Ben. I lost him.
I let go of my son in the worst place at the worst time… to take Alan’s call.
I didn’t have to answer it.
I would have caught up with him.
Instead, my first reaction was to let go of my son, in order to talk to my lover.

Shame started in my brain before blanketing my body.
I had forgotten the twins’ birthday party because I was at a motel with Nick.
How could I do that?
Twice now, I had sacrificed my children for the man I was having an affair with.
The pattern twisted through my mind, puncturing my heart.
I screwed up… again.

I carried Ben back to the room, afraid to put him down.
Once I tucked the kids in, I watched them some more, while Alan called Tim.
What was I doing?
This trip was supposed to be about them!
And I turned it into a selfish sex-a-thon!
I hated myself, over and over.
Thinking about the times we’d hired Martha-the-complete-stranger to baby-sit so Alan and I could be alone!
All the times we’d locked our sleeping children in the other room so we could make love!

It’s hard to describe the fear you have, as a mother, when you lose a child.
I mean, as soon as it passes through that birth canal, you are filled with an overwhelming sense of love and panic like you’ve never known before.
For a whole year, you check to see if the baby is breathing in its crib every five minutes, knowing the odds are in your favor, but worrying obsessively about “what if…”
It doesn’t get better.
As they gain mobility, you begin to distrust appliances, looking at electrical sockets as if they are luring your child toward them.
People look more sinister.
And every time a child turns up missing on the evening news, you can’t help but think, “Oh my God!
What if that were my child?”

It’s morbid and useless but as a parent, something makes you feel all these things.
I remember how my mother cried when I went to college.
How she still checks in with me every other day to make sure I’m still breathing.
She’s a better mother than I am.
Mom always put us first, no matter what.

I’ve failed.
While I’m out on the town (hell, I’m practically screwing the town!), my kids are left with a stranger!
I couldn’t feel worse if someone shot me, at point blank range, with jacketed hollow points.
Make it a .44 magnum and you might come close to the pain I was wallowing in.

My kids… my babies, slept peacefully.
But I knew I never would again.
Something horrible might have happened to my son today.
And I wasn’t sure I could live with it.

“Laura?” Alan was beside me.

“It’s okay.” I replied without taking my eyes off of the kids.
What was okay?
Who was I kidding?

Alan’s arms wrapped around me and in a moment, I was sobbing against his shoulder.
“You can’t be so hard on yourself,” he whispered.

I pushed away, “Of course I can!
I let go of Ben!
In a massive crowd!”

Alan shook his head, “You heard the security guard! He says it happens all the time…”

I cut him off, “And I knew that!
That makes it worse!”