The Accidental Witch (16 page)

As I walked down the stairs, I began to wish that I had a gun like every other resident of Dismal, Alabama. I also began to wonder what I planned to do about whatever I found downstairs. I couldn’t cast a spell on a burglar and I certainly couldn’t take a grown man on in a fist fight. Even worse than a burglar would be another damned demon. I had even less of an idea of what to do if I found Abaddon in my Parlor sipping tea and waiting for another host.

I stepped into the foyer and turned on the lights. There was a dorky looking guy in my parlor. This was not what I had been expecting. The burglar might have been better. The dork stood very casually in my parlor. He was probably six-foot-two or three inches tall and had wild disheveled hair. It was thick and dark, and his skin was a dark olive. He wore thick-framed glasses and a corduroy jacket. I wondered if anyone had told him that it was 95 degrees outside. He had on corduroy pants and flip-flops. There were papers sticking out of his jacket pocket and he was totally engrossed in my spell book.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

The dork looked up at me as if I were invading his home at two in the morning. He looked peeved and more than a little irritated. I smiled. I don’t have the foggiest idea why I was smiling at the man who’d just broken into my house, but I really didn’t know what else to do.

“You’ve been busy,” the dork said.

“Pardon me?”

“This entire town is shrouded in a thick haze of magic. You’ve cast so many spells on so many people that I could smell it in the air when I drove up.”

“I’m sorry. Who are you and what are you doing in the living room?”

“I’m Fred and I’m in your living room reading the spell book you seem to be using like it was going out of style.”

“Fuck you. I’m calling the police.”

I walked over and picked up the phone. The dork raised one hand and whispered something I couldn’t understand and the phone went dead. Wow. I would have to learn how he did that, after I got him out of my living room, of course.

“My boyfriend is upstairs and he is like ten times your size. If you don’t move your ass out of my living room, I’m going to wake him up and make him move it for you.”

“You mean the man lost in the fog of a love spell sleeping like a stoned beast upstairs? He won’t be waking up anytime in the near future. I cast a sleeping spell on him.”

“You’re a wizard?” I asked.

“This isn’t
Harry Potter
. I’m a warlock.”

“Why are you here?”

“I’m the one who’s called in when some irresponsible spellcaster summons a bad ass demon that wreaks havoc on those around her. I’m from the Guild of Magic and I have to tell you that if you don’t work with me, they’ll just send ten more to fill my shoes until you comply. You’ve made quite a mess here.”

“Oh,” I said limply. I knew I had been pushing my luck. It had all been too easy. Nothing can be that easy.

“You’ve been a very naughty girl,” he said.

“Sorry about that,” I answered.

“Where did you get this book?” he asked. “This book was made by a master. I was wondering how you discovered so much without a teacher, but this answers it. Who …” his voice trailed off and his eyes fixed on one of the spells in the book.

“Someone sent it to me in the mail.”

“The Phoenix sent it to you,” he said. “That woman is a massive pain in my ass.”

“Who’s the Phoenix?” I asked.

“She’s your mother.”

I sat down. My mother had sent me a book. My mother cared about me and knew where I was. For that moment, nothing else mattered. The dork in my living room, the man wrapped in layers of magic in my bed, the demon next door, all kind of became the background music to something I had dreamt of my entire life. My mother cared about me. Why would she send me a book if she didn’t care? I was suddenly overwhelmed by a desire to see her.

“Do you know where she is?”

“Your mother?”

“My mother,” I said. “Where is she?”

“You have more important things to worry about than finding your mother. The king of Hell has set up a nest in the little girl next door. I think you can save the family reunion for later.”

“You’re right,” I said. “Can you help the little girl?”

“I’ll try, but I don’t know that much about Abaddon and I’m not sure I have the power to drive him out on my own. You’ll have to learn and we’ll have to work together.”

“Okay,” I said.

“And when we’re done, you have to learn how to control yourself and cast spells you know how to control.”

“Okay,” I said again.

“I’m tired,” he said. “I’ll need a room to stay in while I’m here.”

“Okay,” I said.

Fred the dork picked up his bags and I showed him to his room. I gave him the blue room that was as far away from my room as possible I didn’t want him anywhere near me. He was altogether too strange to have sleeping in a room next to mine. I had no idea how I was going to explain the presence of a strange man in my house to Aaron in any way that even remotely made sense. I was going to have to do some major lying.

* * *

Of course, I over slept the next day. I awoke to the sun shining in on me and Aaron glaring down at me with enough rage to singe my eyebrows. I sat up and braced myself for a shit storm. When I’d been married to Johnny Boy and he had looked at me like this, I had gone somewhere else in my head. I thought about the things I needed to do that day or the things I wished I could do. That was a trick I picked up from years of living with my father. When that man had ramped up into a good yell, he would have scared the king of Hell away. It’s too bad he wasn’t still alive to help me perform the exorcism. I was used to the yelling. I was prepared for it. I wasn’t prepared for Aaron.

“Phae,” he said almost softly. “This isn’t going to work out if you can’t be honest with me.”

I didn’t answer. I felt really terrible.

“There’s a strange man outside the room who says you need to get up and make him breakfast,” Aaron said. “The book last night was weird, but I can handle a little weird. This is something else entirely.”

“I know,” I said. “I want to be honest with you. The truth is insane and I didn’t know how to tell you the truth without you thinking I’m crazy.”

“You’re just going to have to risk it. I love you, Phae, but I feel like I don’t even really know you.”

“Maybe you don’t,” I whispered. I sat up and put my hand on his. He looked almost boyish. His features were soft and wounded. He looked like he was going to cry. I couldn’t bear the thought of making him cry.

“I have to go to work now,” he said. “I’m working a twelve hour shift. I have two days like this and I think I’ll go home to sleep tonight because I really can’t function at work with this kind of stress at home. When I am off again on Wednesday, I expect the truth.”

“I promise,” I said softly. “No more lies.”

Aaron leaned over and kissed me on the lips. It was such a sweet kiss, I almost turned into a puddle at his feet. He touched my cheek and kissed my forehead and I just looked up at him and smiled. He left me like that, sitting in the bed in my nightgown gazing out at the space where he had been. I really wished he had just yelled. This nice shit was much harder than the yelling. The nice shit made me feel guilty. It made me feel like the bad guy and I wasn’t used to that.

I sat up and pulled on my bathrobe. I stepped out into the hall and went downstairs. Fred was sitting at the kitchen table reading an enormous book that was written in Latin, or what I thought was Latin. He looked up at me with a frown.

“I like pancakes,” he said.

“I’m a shitty cook,” I answered. “And I don’t keep much in the house.”

“Your cupboards are full,” Fred answered. “A well-balanced diet is important.”

“Okay,” I said. I turned and opened the cupboard. It was filled with food. There was fruit and health food. I shriveled my nose.

“What are you some kind of hippie?” I asked.

“No, I just eat well and you eat like a nine-year-old girl with an alcohol problem,” he said.

Fred stood up and started to prepare breakfast. I helped him and handed him things when he needed them. He put bananas in the pancakes and when he was done, I had the best meal I’d had since I had moved from Chicago. There was bacon and eggs and the pancakes. He even helped me clean up the kitchen. I tried to avoid conversation. It seemed dangerous. Fred and I worked in a silent synchronicity.

Fred had shed his brown corduroy jacket and exchanged it for a green one and a T-shirt that said, ‘Candy is dandy but aspartame is a phenylketonuric.’ He couldn’t have looked more like a dork if he had put a special effort into it.

When the kitchen was clean, I called Ellie and asked her to clear my schedule for the day. I hopped in the shower and then threw on some jeans and a T-shirt. I thought I should be comfortable for demon fighting. I imagined it wouldn’t be easy work. I wanted to be as comfortable as possible.

On the way there, Fred broke the silence. “Which spell did you start but not finish?” he asked.

“I always finish,” I answered.

“No,” Fred said. “It is important for me to know which spell brought the demon. You must have left the candles burning or the incense burning and walked away or fallen asleep on one of the spells you cast.”

“Oh,” I said. “Shit. I didn’t think that would be such a big deal. It was one of my early spells. It was a candle garden. It was a garden of healing.”

“When you do things like that,” he said. “It’s like leaving an open door between this world and the other. Anything can wander through.”

“I didn’t realize,” I said trying to sound as contrite as possible.

“Did you even read the book or did you just leaf through and find the spells you needed?”

“I skimmed it,” I said.

Fred shook his head as we pulled up in front of the Dollar house. If it is possible, the house seemed worse than before. The paint was almost completely gone, leaving the house gray and battered looking. The lawn was thick with thorns and weeds. A dark cloud hung over the house. Fred stepped out of the vehicle and looked around. He had his book under his arm and he had told me to bring mine.

Sam looked worse than she did before. She looked tired and gaunt, as though she’d lost several pounds overnight. I could count the bones in her chest. Her eyes were giant orbs of blue in her sunken skull. Even the baby seemed limp in her arms. The house was worse inside, too. The carpet was even dingier and the cobwebs were thicker. Sam and her house seemed to be fading away.

Fred introduced himself to Sam very politely and explained that he was here to help me. He told her he did this sort of thing all the time and there was nothing at all to worry about.

“I need you to trust me,” he said. “Because I’m going to ask you to do something unusual.”

Sam nodded. Fred handed her the keys to my house.

“You’ve spent too much time here and your energy is being drained away. I need you to go to Phae’s house with your baby and rest for a while. We will watch your daughter. What is her name?”

“Louisa,” Sam whispered.

“Can you do that for me?”

Sam nodded. “Be kind to my baby,” she whispered. Fred smiled a surprisingly charming smile that made him almost handsome and he helped Sam gather the things she needed to leave. I watched as he walked her to the car. When Fred came back, I wanted to punch him, but I didn’t. I really didn’t want Samantha Dollar sleeping in my house, but it was time for me to let go and do what I had to do to help the girl upstairs. I let Fred lead me upstairs to Louisa’s room.

Fred walked in without knocking. He entered and sat down and opened his book.

“You brought a friend,” the demon said when he saw Fred.

“I’m very social,” I answered.

“Don’t you need a real priest for an exorcism?” the demon asked.

Fred ignored the demon.

“I don’t know,” I answered. “You tell me.”

“This one abandoned the Church,” the demon said.

“You used to be a priest?” I asked Fred. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I didn’t know the man from Adam. He could have been a former sumo wrestling nun for all I knew. I guess I’d been brought up to believe that warlocks were evil and couldn’t be priests.

“The Church likes people with the gift,” Fred said. “It seeks us out and uses us to help with exorcisms and blessings and whatever else they need. I worked for the Church for a very long time.”

“I know you, priest.” The demon laughed. “I know your smell.”

Fred ignored the demon.

“How do you know him?” I asked.

The demon laughed. “He called my brother to save his sister, but my brother is a liar. He only made the priest’s sister sicker. She died in his arms. You should have called me, priest. I would have saved her for you.”

“I was young,” Fred said. “I didn’t understand my power then. I understand it now.”

Fred stood up and began writing strange symbols in a circle, around the demon, in red paint. I watched with interest. The demon didn’t react. It merely watched.

“I need you to give me your hand,” Fred said. “I’m going to draw your strength from you.”

I gave Fred my hand and he began to chant in Latin. I really had to learn Latin. The demon laughed, but Fred continued chanting. His voice droned on and I began to feel weak. My feet fell from under me and I fell to the ground, but Fred still clutched my hand. The demon laughed again and the symbols around grew bright red and caught fire. The girl fell to the ground and wailed. She clutched her stomach as tears poured down her face, and then she rolled over onto her back and opened her mouth wider than was humanly possible. The demon emerged from the girl’s mouth like a baby being torn from its mother’s womb. The girl fainted from exhaustion. The demon crawled up to me on the floor. Ick. It was really very ugly. It looked like a giant toad man that someone had shit on. The giant toad demon was covered in something that resembled vomit and it smelled so bad, I had to breathe through my mouth to stop myself from gagging. I pushed myself away from the grimacing demon, went to the girl, and checked her pulse to see if she was breathing. She was okay. I almost sobbed with relief. I looked at her piquant little face and gently caressed her cheek.