The Accidental Familiar (Accidentally Paranormal Series Book 14) (3 page)

It was almost a relief to have someone give her some direction. Bending at the waist, she let her hands rest on her knees, and her head hang low. “Maybe we should start over and reintroduce ourselves?”

Nina put a hand on the back of her head, keeping her face pointed downward at the driveway. “I said breathe, Rock Star—great costume, by the way. Paul Stanley’s no fucking Barry Manilow, but you killed the makeup. Now, get your shit together. While you do that, I’m gonna kick the living crap out of my damn familiar for ignoring my house rules, and then we’ll make nice, and I’ll explain what we do at OOPS and all that bullshit.”

Poppy blinked as the blood rushed to her head in a swoosh of pounding waves. “The cat’s yours?”

Nina snorted. “It sure as fuck wasn’t my idea, but yeah. She’s mine.”

“It talks.” She realized she kept saying that, but c’mon! Wasn’t anyone else as in awe of that fact?

Nina clucked her tongue in admonishment. “Been down this road, Poppy. You’re getting repetitive. A sure sign you’re playing possum.”

She tried to lift her head, but Nina’s hand was like a vise grip, forcing her to keep her eyes level with her feet. “Possum?”

“Yeah, it’s when everyone says they’re fine while they beat their panic down, bottle it the fuck up or whatever so they can give good face, which always leads to total meltdown. It’s pathetic and ugly, and usually involves tears and loads of the sympathy I’m working really hard to get better at giving because my therapist says I suck ass at it.”

“This is your version of sympathy?”

“This is me
working
on being sympathetic. Don’t fuck up my flow.”

“So you’ve done this before? This crisis thing?” If that was true, that almost made her feel better. Almost. Though, she still couldn’t quite connect the dots between what had happened back at the house to needing a crisis counselor. Still, she didn’t sense these women were dangerous.

In fact, she was very clear about the notion they
weren’t
dangerous. Though, why the feeling was so vivid, she couldn’t say. She possessed her own kind of intuition for sure, but it was a very average sort of intuition. This? Well, this sort of intuition was different.

Nina’s patted the back of her head before her cool fingers clasped her neck. “More times than Marty’s got lipsticks. Keep breathing.”

“I’m really dizzy,” Poppy complained, her spine beginning to ache.

“It’s those pants,” Nina commented. “Always wondered how Stanley managed to squeeze into ’em without popping the top of his head off.

A soft hand reached down and grabbed Poppy’s, pulling her up and holding her firm when she stumbled from lack of blood flow. “Let her up, Nina.” The lady named Marty righted Poppy and smiled. “So tell us what happened so we best know how to help you.”

Poppy stared at the woman with eyes of cornflower blue and hair in more shades of blonde than she even knew existed, and thought about her request. She wasn’t quite sure how this had happened…or if anything had really happened at all.

Marty pressed with a warm smile, “Poppy, honey? How did this happen?”

Words escaped her.

But they didn’t escape the cat. It hopped down from the garden wall and wound its long tail around Marty’s legs. “Ask me, Bleached One. I know how it happened.”

The woman named Wanda bent and scooped the cat up, snuggling her close to her porcelain cheek with a smile. “What kind of mischief have you been into now, Miss Calamity?” she asked, her tone oozing indulgence.

Calamity purred in return, curling into Wanda’s arms. “It was an accident, I swear, Wanda.”

Nina tweaked the cat’s ear, her face stern against the backdrop of the dark night. “Quit coddlin’ her like she’s some baby, Wanda. She was out way past curfew, which is bullshit. She damn well knows better. And lay off the tuna when I’m not lookin’. It makes her puke.”

Wanda flapped an irritated hand at Nina before resuming her cuddle with the cat. “Hush. She’s just acting out because you’re so hard on her. Now, tell Auntie Wanda what happened here, Calamity, and I promise there’ll be some warm milk tonight before bed.”

Calamity purred and brushed Wanda’s cheek with her paw. “Okay, it went down like this. M to the C to the Guill-i-cudd-E was spinning records at this lame Halloween party—”

“A party you didn’t ask fucking permission to go to,” Nina growled, her black eyes narrowing as she jammed her hands into her hoodie pockets.

Calamity stopped purring and gave Nina a hard glare. “You don’t ask permission to crash a party, Beastmaster. It’s not a goddamn crash if you ask for entry. Anyway, I was chillin’ to Poppy’s beat and I got a little carried away when I broke out my smooth MC Hammer moves. I tripped on a glass of water, knocked it over on the wiring for the speakers, which I’m pretty sure weren’t up to code, and
wham
! Almost electrocuted Poppy. So I try to do the right thing by knocking her wee sprite ass out of the way with my magic, but I slipped and fell into her, and then we both fell—”

“Into the puddle of water!” Poppy spat as she retreated from her fog, the entire episode coming together in a clatter of memory. “That’s exactly what happened! When the cat jumped on me, she dug her claws into my shoulder, and I tripped and fell into the water where the speaker wires were. See?” She pulled her pleather jacket with the stars she’d bedazzled on herself away from her shoulder, pointing to the scratch marks to show the women.

Marty winced, leaning in closer to inspect her wounds.

Nina swished a hand at Marty, pointing to her purse. “Dig around in your mom bag there and get this kid some Neosporin, Blondie.”

But Poppy waved a hand in dismissive fashion. “I swear I saw stars and a big flash of light. Then there was this tingle…like a weird shiver that raced all along my limbs, and then the cat was freaking out and yelling at me to come outside and call you before someone, I can’t remember who, came and picked me up—”

“That bitch Cecily from Familiar Central,” Calamity interjected with a scoff. “Swear, she can smell a newb from a realm away. She’s gonna show up here and demand to take DJ Puts The Needle On The Record back to the realm so she can claim her as her own, and I’ll be dipped in cow dung before I’ll let that happen.”

“
Claim me
?” Poppy squeaked, scanning the dark neighborhood for this woman named Cecily.

Calamity tilted her head so Wanda could scratch her neck. “Yeah. She gets like frequent flier miles for every newb familiar she sucks into her dark void or some shit. If she gets enough miles, she gets to go to some familiar retreat in Baja. Why the fuck should she get all the miles? I did this to ya, I win. That’s how it works with all familiars who are found or made—in your case, accidentally made—rather than born into the realm, by the way. If one of us finds you, it’s our duty to turn you in. Also, if that crazy hag Cecily gets her hands on you, who knows who the hell you’ll end up with. She just doesn’t care the way I do, and because this was my fault, the least I can do is try to make sure you get a good witch.”

A witch?
She was getting a witch? What did that mean? Did it mean a job that paid money? Because she could use a job that paid money. God, could she ever.

Nina jammed her hands into her black hoodie pocket. “So let me get this shiz straight. Basically, you zapped a bitch and transferred some of your mojo to her, and that means she’s a familiar now, too? How the hell do you know that for sure?”

Calamity harrumphed at Nina. “All you gotta do is look at her wrist. She does have
The Mark
, Keeper of My Cage. It’s just like the one on the underside of my paw. We all have ’em.”

Poppy immediately began to back away, but she held up her wrist so they could all see the half-moon shape, which, as was becoming increasingly clear, apparently represented her status as a familiar.

“Hol-ee shitballs,” Nina muttered. “And you’re sure this means she’s like you? I thought familiars were all animals?”

“That’s because you don’t listen when I’m trying to school your sorry ass, Half-Breed!” Calamity exclaimed in a tone screaming exasperation. “Familiars come in all sorts of shapes and sizes these days. Animals are the least likely suspects for prying human eyes, but there are plenty of uprights to be had nowadays. You’d know that if you’d just become a little more involved in the community, you dolt!”

Nina snarled, reaching for Calamity, but Wanda took a step back to avoid her.

Suddenly, Poppy couldn’t take it anymore. Scooping up her Paul Stanley wig from the brick wall, she shook it at the group as though it would ward off impending danger.

“What does
like her
mean?” she shouted. Everything was moving at the speed of light while she was still stuck on the fact that a cat could talk.

Calamity sighed in what sounded like resignation, as though Poppy should know exactly what she was talking about. “It means we gotta get you to Familiar Central so you can get in the good line to get a nice witch. You do
not
want to wait for them to assign you somebody or you’ll end up like I did, with a leftover with anger management issues. That’s how I landed this crazy half-breed, scowling-at-everything-that-moves bitch on monster truck wheels.” Calamity lifted her jaw in Nina’s direction.

“A leftover…” Poppy muttered, but that didn’t slow Calamity’s tirade even a little.

“Now, I admit, I was lazy as fuck, and I should’ve gotten my shit together a lot sooner than I did when my old witch died. I lollygagged, hung out, threw back a bunch of brewskies, watched a lot of shitty reality TV and in general took a break from all the hocus-pocus crap. My old witch was a handful. But who knew I’d end up with the bottom of the barrel just because I was on sabbatical? And to add insult to injury, I ended up with an ogre who’s half
vampire
. Like I know a friggin’ thing about vampires. But there was no talking the head honcho out of this match made in the inner circle of Hell. So here I am—stuck with a psychotic, nay, violent, half-vampire/half-witch.
Forever
.”

Nina eyeballed Calamity, and to say she wasn’t exactly pleased was likely an understatement. But oddly, her next words were far more levelheaded than Poppy would have expected, even though her fists were tightly clenched at her sides and her teeth could quite possibly crack from the pressure of grinding them.

“We’re working through some shit. Boundaries, rules, crap like that.”

“Yeah,” the cat scoffed, curling into Wanda’s protective hold. “Boundaries and crap. That’s what we’re working through. I hope that helps you sleep at night. Oh, wait. You don’t sleep at night, do you, Blood Sucker?”

Marty grabbed one of Poppy’s hands and held it to her chest, her warm, smooth skin soothing Poppy, lulling her into a sense of security. Probably a false sense of one, but still a comfort. “To say Calamity was a surprise is an understatement. She and Nina are in the adjustment phase of their relationship—still working out the kinks, you know?”

“You mean the phase where she doesn’t fucking do what she’s told?” Nina asked.

Calamity crawled to Wanda’s shoulder and perched herself there. If cats could give dirty looks, she was shooting daggers at Nina. “I’ll say this one more time, Pale Face. I am your
guide
, your helper, your GD advisor to the magical realm. Not your slave in perpetuity. Got that, you colossal PITA? You can’t tell me what to do. I’m a hundred and fifty years old, not ten!”

Wanda chuckled and scratched Calamity under the chin, burying her face in the cat’s neck. “You tell her, Snookiepuss.”

Nina openly gaped at Wanda, her flawless face a tight mask of anger. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Wanda? Why the hell are you taking her side? Stop gettin’ in the middle of our shit, for Christ’s sake! If she didn’t behave like a motherfluffin’ kid, I wouldn’t treat her like one! I’ve been chasin’ after this toddler on steroids since she got here, putting out fire after fucking fire just as she lights another damn match. Now mind your damn P’s and Q’s!”

Marty popped her glossed lips and clapped her hands, a cheerfully forced smile on her face. “Ladies! Knock it off!” she shouted then squared her shoulders and smoothed her faux fur vest over her waistline. “We have no time to spare while the two of you argue over how Nina parents her unruly familiar. We have a job to do. Let’s do it before this Cecily shows up and steals Calamity’s thunder or Poppy ends up with an ogre like Nina for the rest of her days. Now, what do we do next, Calamity?”

Calamity hopped from Wanda’s shoulder to the ground and stretched. “It’s a doozy of a ride. You sure you’re up for it?”

As Poppy listened to Calamity’s explanation and watched the drama between the women unfold, she remained quiet, dealing with this new feeling she had. This new
certainty
was maybe a better word.

She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what these women spoke was the truth. There was no second-guessing, no quibbling. She instinctually knew the cat really could talk. Nina really was half-vampire, half-witch, and Poppy really did have to get to this place called Familiar Central.

She didn’t quite understand this innate sense of the truth; she wasn’t even sure how she was keeping from freaking out about the fact that Nina was a vampire-witch.

Maybe that would come later? For now, she had to take care of this. There was a pressing urgency in her gut that said she needed to trust her instincts.

“Does this familiar thing pay?”

“Like in money?” Calamity asked, cocking her round head.

She needed money. It wasn’t likely Mel was going to pay her now after she’d obliterated her sound system. To make everything worse, she was surely on the verge of being booted from her apartment if she didn’t come up with three months’ rent by next week.

Old Mr. Rush, her landlord, was an understanding guy, a great guy, in fact. But he couldn’t live on nothing any more than she could. And that’s what she’d been paid for spending almost four months on the road in a show that had such low attendance, the audiences were all but taking naps.

Nothing.

That son of a bitch Randall Cranston had run off with what little profit they’d made, leaving her and the rest of the cast high and dry.