The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian (5 page)

He never minds if I go in there and watch games with him. But we never talk much. We

just sit there quietly and watch the games. My dad doesn't even cheer for his favorite teams or players. He doesn't react much to the games at all.

I suppose he is depressed.

I suppose my sister is depressed.

I suppose the whole family is depressed.

But I still want to know exactly why my sister gave up on her dream of writing romance

novels.

I mean, yeah, it is kind of a silly dream. What land of Indian writes romance novels? But it is still pretty cool. I love the thought of reading my sister's books. I love the thought of walking into a bookstore and seeing her name on the cover of a big and beautiful novel.

Spokane River Heat
by Mary Runs Away.

That would be very cool.

"She could still write a book," I said. "There's always time to change your life."

I almost gagged when I said that. I didn't even believe that. There's never enough time to change your life. You don't get to change your life, period. Shit, maybe I was trying to write a romance novel.

"Mary was a bright and shining star," Mr. P said. "And then she faded year by year until you could barely see her anymore."

Wow, Mr. P was a poet.

"And you're a bright and shining star, too," he said. "You're the smartest kid in the school.

And I don't want you to fail. I don't want you to fade away. You deserve better."

I didn't feel smart.

"I want you to say it," Mr. P said.

"Say what?"

"I want you to say that you deserve better."

I couldn't say it. It wasn't true. I mean, I wanted to have it better, but I didn't deserve it. I was the kid who threw books at teachers.

"You are a good kid. You deserve the world."

Wow, I wanted to cry. No teacher had ever said anything so nice, so incredibly nice, to me.

"Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome," he said. "Now say it."

"I can't."

And then I did cry. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt so weak.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything," he said. "Well, Mia better be sorry for hitting me, but you don't have to feel bad about crying."

"I don't like to cry," I said. "Other lads, they beat me up when I cry. Sometimes they make me cry so they can beat me up for crying."

"I know," he said. "And we let it happen. We let them pick on you."

"Rowdy protects me."

"I know Rowdy is your best friend, but he's, he's, he's, he's—," Mr. P stuttered. He wasn't sure what to say or do. "You know that Rowdy's dad hits him, don't you?"

"Yeah," I said. Whenever he came to school with a black eye, Rowdy made sure to give black eyes to two kids picked at random.

"Rowdy is just going to get meaner and meaner," Mr. P said.

"I know Rowdy has a temper and stuff, and he doesn't get good grades or anything, but he's been nice to me since we were kids. Since we were babies. I don't even know why he's been nice."

"I know, I know," Mr. P said. "But, listen, I want to tell you something else. And you have to promise me you'll never repeat it."

"Okay," I said.

"Promise me."

"Okay, okay, I promise I won't repeat it."

"Not to anyone. Not even your parents."

"Nobody."

"Okay, then," he said and leaned closer to me because he didn't even want the trees to hear what he was going to say, "You have to leave this reservation."

"I'm going to Spokane with my dad later."

"No, I mean you have to leave the rez
forever
."

"What do you mean?"

"You were right to throw that book at me. I deserved to get smashed in the face for what I've done to Indians. Every while person on this rez should get smashed in the face. But, let me tell you this. All the Indians should get smashed in the face, too."

I was shocked. Mr. P was
furious
.

"The only thing you kids are being taught is how to give up. Your friend Rowdy, he's given up. That's why he likes to hurt people. He wants them to feel as bad as he does."

"He doesn't hurt me."

"He doesn't hurt you because you're the only good thing in his life. He doesn't want to give that up. It's the only thing he hasn't given up."

Mr. P grabbed me by the shoulders and leaned so close to me that I could smell his breath.

Onions and garlic and hamburger and shame and pain.

"All these kids have given up," he said. "All your friends. All the bullies. And their mothers and fathers have given up, too. And their grandparents gave up and their grandparents before them. And me and every other teacher here. We're all defeated."

Mr. P was crying.

I couldn't believe it.

I'd never seen a sober adult cry.

"But not you," Mr. P said. "You can't give up. You won't give up. You threw that book in my face because somewhere inside you refuse to give up."

I didn't know what he was talking about. Or maybe I just didn't want to know.

Jeez, it was a lot of pressure to put on a kid. I was carrying the burden of my race, you know? I was going to get a bad back from it.

"If you stay on this rez," Mr. P said, "they're going to kill you. I'm going to kill you.

We're all going to kill you. You can't fight us forever."

"I don't want to fight anybody," I said.

"You've been fighting since you were born," he said. "You fought off that brain surgery.

You fought off those seizures, you fought off all the drunks and drug addicts. You kept your hope. And now, you have to take your hope and go somewhere Sere other people have hope."

I was starting to understand. He was a math teacher. I had to add my hope to somebody

else's hope. I had to multiply hope by hope.

"Where is hope?" I asked. "Who has hope?"

"Son," Mr. P said. "You're going to find more and more pope the farther and farther you walk away from this sad, sad, sad reservation."

After Mr. P left, I sat on the porch for a long time and thought about my life. What the heck was I supposed to do? I felt like life had just knocked me on my ass.

I was so happy when Mom and Dad got home from work.

"Hey, little man," Dad said.

"Hey, Dad, Mom."

"Junior, why are you looking so sad?" Mom asked. She knew stuff.

I didn't know how to start, so I just started with the biggest question.

"Who has the most hope?" I asked.

Mom and Dad looked at each other. They studied each other's eyes, you know, like they

had antennas and were sending radio signals to each other. And then they both looked buck at me.

"Come on," I said. "Who has the most hope?"

"White people," my parents said at the same time.

That's exactly what I thought they were going to say, so I said the most surprising thing they'd ever heard from me.

"I want to transfer schools," I said.

"You want to go to Hunters?" Mom said.

It's another school on the west end of the reservation, filled with poor Indians and poorer white kids. Yes, there is a place in the world where the white people are poorer than the Indians.

"No," I said.

"You want to go to Springdale?" Dad asked.

It's a school on the reservation border filled with the poorest Indians and poorer-than-poorest white kids. Yes, there is a place in the world where the white people are even poorer than you ever thought possible.

"I want to go to Reardan," I said.

Reardan is the rich, white farm town that sits in the wheat fields exactly twenty-two miles away from the rez. And it's a hick town, I suppose, filled with farmers and rednecks and racist cops who stop every Indian that drives through.

During one week when I was little, Dad got stopped three times for DWI: Driving While

Indian.

But Reardan has one of the best small schools in the state, with a computer room and

huge chemistry lab and a drama club and two basketball gyms.

The kids in Reardan are the smartest and most athletic kids anywhere. They are the best.

"I want to go to Reardan," I said again. I couldn't believe I was saying it. For me, it seemed as real as saying, "I want to fly to the moon."

"Are you sure?" my parents asked.

"Yes," I said.

"When do you want to go?" my parents asked.

"Right now," I said. "Tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" my parents asked. "You could maybe wait until the semester break. Or until next year. Get a fresh start."

"No, if I don't go now, I never will. I have to do it now."

"Okay," they said.

Yep, it was that easy with my parents. It was almost like they'd been waiting for me to ask them if I could go to Reardan, like they were psychics or something.

I mean, they've always known that I'm weird and ambitious, so maybe they expect me to

do the weirdest things possible. And going to Reardan is truly a strange idea. But it isn't weird that my parents so quickly agreed with my plans. They want a better life for my sister and me.

My sister is running away to get lost, but I am running away because I want to find something.

And my parents love me so much that they want to help me. Yeah, Dad is a drunk and Mom is an ex-drunk, but they don't want their kids to be drunks.

"It's going to be hard to get you to Reardan," Dad said. "We can't afford to move there.

And there ain't no school bus going to come out here."

"You'll be the first one to ever leave the rez this way," Mom said. "The Indians around here are going to be angry with you."

Shoot, I figure that my fellow tribal members are going to torture me.

So the day after I decided to transfer to Reardan, and after my parents agreed to make it happen, I walked over to the tribal school, and found Rowdy sitting in his usual place on the playground.

He was alone, of course. Everybody was scared of him.

"I thought you were on suspension, dickwad," he said, which was Rowdy's way of saying,

"I'm happy you're here."

"Kiss my ass," I said.

I wanted to tell him that he was my best friend and I loved him like crazy, but boys didn't say such things to other boys, and
nobody
said such things to Rowdy.

"Can I tell you a secret?" I asked.

"It better not be girly," he said.

"It's not."

"Okay, then, tell me."

"I'm transferring to Reardan."

Rowdy's eyes narrowed. His eyes always narrowed right re he beat the crap out of

someone. I started shaking.

"That's not funny," he said.

"It's not supposed to be funny," I said. "I'm transferring to Reardan. I want you to come with me."

"And when are you going on this imaginary journey?"

"It's not imaginary. It's real. And I'm transferring now. I start school tomorrow at Reardan."

"You better quit saying that," he said. "You're getting me mad."

I didn't want to get him mad. When Rowdy got mad it ok him days to get un-mad. But he

was my best friend and wanted him to know the truth.