The Abandoned Bride (27 page)

“Yes,” the baron breathed at last, “now we may take passage home on the next fair wind. Yes, at last it is over.”

_1
7

They stood on the quay and waited for their turn to board the packet. Had they arrived earlier,
they
would have been among the first to embark, for they were traveling in fi
r
st class style and they were clearly members of that class which always took precedence. But there had been minor delays in starting out and then major farewells to be done with. Now it had been decided for both prudence and the sake of appearance to wait until the last soul and shipment had been taken on board before they went on the ship themselves to begin their journey home.

It was a warm and muggy August morning, and the miasmas of the sea were supplemented by the stench of the flotsam and debris that wharfside slips always seemed to collect. Julia attempted to breathe shallowly to escape the aroma which greeted her whenever the vague, inconstant breeze shifted, slightly to shore. She looked longingly out to the wider sea beyond the ship. There the waters seemed clear and open and of an entirely different constitution than the oily, dank stuff which sullenly lapped at the dockside beneath her feet. She tried as hard not to look down as she did not to breathe in deeply. For now and again the thick waters
b
elow the boards where she
stood showed hints of prodigies as they floated by, things she would rather not define, as they were either long deceased, or soon to spring to unnatural new forms of life.

She could, she knew, have stayed within the more cleanly atmosphere of the parlor of the waterside inn, where both Celeste and Lady Preston now comfortably awaited their summons to leave. Both women were making the return journey with her. Lady Preston was on her way home after all her weary journeys and unexpectedly, Celeste had taken passage as well. The maidservant’s practicality had outweighed the call of nationality. She had heard that French maids were in demand in England, she told her present mistress, and if a lady were foolish enough to pay for a mere accent, why then she thought she should be twice as foolish not to provide one for a price. But Julia had decided to forego the company of both women just now. She could have time with them once she was at sea. She had two more personal good-byes to make this morning, and she needed both privacy and solitude in which to compose he
r
self. One farewell would be difficult enough, for it would be to a person, but the other, much harder leavetaking would be to a dream.

Even as she stood apart and brooded alone, Robin and Nicholas were making their last good-byes only a few paces away from her. She had thought that there was not much further that they could have found to say to each other, as she knew that they had stayed up late the previous night, talking and settling accounts together. But then, she sighed, so too had she stayed up most of the night, talking and attempting to settle matters with herself, and yet here she was this morning, still unresolved, with even more thinking yet to do.

She was going home at last. If her reputation was not cleared in the matter of her elopement with Robin, then at least some of her personal shame was absolved. It seemed that she had been only a fool, not a freak of nature. And it appeared that no further damage would be done either to her name or her honor by this recent sojou
rn
abroad with his uncle. But it was neither her conscience nor her reputation which troubled her now, it was her heart. If she had found her self-esteem again on this journey, she had paid for it dearly. For even if the incredible thing that Robin had stated were true and there was nothing wrong with her at all, no bar to normal love and life, how could it matter when she was about to be parted from the one man it would ever matter for?

But part from him she would, Julia vowed, with a sudden firming of her resolve. She did not need Lady Preston to tell her what was proper. Standing here on the dock, with a breeze from home in her hair, it was as though she was already there in truth, and a certain sense of reality settled over her. Foreign travel disordered the brain, it made
one wander in one’s wits as well as in one’s itinerary, she thought. She realized, as more worldly travelers had done for centuries before her, that often things that one thought or did upon alien soil were things that were alien to one’s true nature. No, she sadly acknowledged to herself, Julia Hastings, for all her sins, could not be, and could not wish to be except in her deepest midnight fancies, the fancy-piece of any gentleman.

That did not mean, that she could not regret her nature. For she perceived a truth that no explanation could erase—that her essential nature was as much of an impediment to her longings as the
phantom
flaw that Robin had banished had been. The only man that she had ever desired as a man desired her only as his mistress. Yet even though she knew it was her only chance at happiness, she could not oblige him. Her conscience simply would not permit it. She was, she thought on a sigh, either a true puritan or a deluded prig. But that was what she was, she thought, straightening her shoulders and giving one last little mournful snuffle. And if she changed herself beyond recognition to achieve a desire, why then, she reasoned, she would be like one of Cinderella’s stepsisters, slicing off a toe or two to fit a slipper that was never meant to be worn by her.

Having reached that conclusion, Julia felt far better. It was true that the sun seemed to have dropped from the sky, the waters
that seethed beneath the wharf seemed to have become inky black, and she felt as though she were waiting for deaf Charon to ferry her across the Styx rather than bluff Captain Ahe
rn
e to take her home to England, but at least she saw her way clear. Oh yes, she thought, she saw a clear and empty and long road to the end of a lonely life ahead of her.

The two gentlemen finally left off talking and Nicholas gave Robin a clap upon the back, even as they shook hands warmly. Robin spoke a brief, low word to Nicholas, and then he alone came to where Julia was standing and waiting.

“Time for a good-bye, Julia,” Robin said gently. “I’ll come no closer to home than this dockside this time. What is there for me in England save for regret and threat and fear of a misstep? But still, I’ve promised Nick that one day I shall visit again. He’s agreed to mind the shop as best he can for me, and I’ll direct the rest in letters home. It’s to be a devastating Italian widow that I’ve lost my heart to this time, by the by,” he grinned. “Which ought to suit Mama to perfection, for she had a dancing master in her youth that was a grand infatuation. Her papa of course forbade the match, so to
salve her feelings of loss she is fond of going on at length about how perfidious his entire race is known to be. She’ll understand my continued absence well enough, I think.

“And after that,” he said, “there shall be an Austrian countess, then an impoverished French lady, and then an avaricious Spanish courtesan, I believe. I shall see to it that I loose my foolish heart to a legion of unworthy ladies over the next decade, so that I may be understood in my continuing absence.”

“Oh Robin,” Julia said, forgetting her own sorrow at the sadness she saw reflected in his face, “I am so sorry.”

“Oh don’t be,” he said with surprise, looking closely at her, “for I’m happy enough in my life, Julia. I’ve Edwin and the vicar and my other friends. I’ve made the best decision for myself, don’t fret for me,” he continued smiling at her brightly.

“Blue,” he said suddenly, with reproof, “blue, Julia? When you know how I prefer you in pink?”

She was confused until she realized that he was smiling again and looking at her frock, which was a light azure with a darker blue overskirt.

“But it is not me you’re dressing for now, is it?” he asked, and then went on in a low voice before she could reply, “Yes. I did you a very good turn that night. I may sometimes regret all that I have given up, but then, I can never regret all that I have brought about. Julia,” he said abruptly, bending to kiss her cheek and whispering rapidly, “be a good girl now, and take care of yourself, and make forgiving a habit, and you will be a very happy girl—ah, you are right—woman. Good-bye, love.” Then, releasing her hands that he had caught up in his, he bowed and turned back to Nicholas, who had stood watching them.

“I won’t wait for the sails to go up and wave until you’re a dot in the distance, that sort of farewell is maudlin. Good-bye, Old Nick,” he said, putting his hand upon his uncle’s shoulder.

“
Good-bye, Robin Goodfellow,” the baron said, putting his hand over his nephew’s.

Then Robin gave them both a brilliant smile that went no further than his lips, and he clapped his hands together, bowed, and turned away. He was gone and out of sight even before the echo of his handclap had faded in their ears.

When the last sight of Robin hurrying down the wharf had vanished, Nicholas turned and looked at Julia. He was frowning as he reached into his jacket’s inner pocket.
“Blast,” he muttered, “this jacket may be everything that causes Makepiece’s heart to flutter, but it’s damned inconvenient just the same. Comfort’s been sacrificed for line, and I glitter in the sunlight as though I were all in spangles. Yes, I am wearing it today, or else the fellow would have driven me mad.
I decided that if I had to put the thing on, it might as well be while I was still on foreign soil. I don’t know when I shall return, and there is every possibility that I’ll be lucky enough to be too stout and gouty to fit into it when I next visit these shores.”

As he continued to take papers from his inner pocket, Julia noticed that he was indeed looking even more elegant this morning than usual. The jacket that he complained of was a trifle excessive in its cloth and cut, having a rich and shining silver thread prominent among the blue ones, and it fit his trim form as though it had been put on with an artist’s brush rather than a valet’s assistance. But although it may have been a trifle dandyish for its wearer’s taste’s, Julia thought it so dashing that she could only nod her head in reply to him.

“Ah, here it is,” he sighed at last. And then, looking at Julia very soberly, he gave her two envelopes. “This one,” he said as he handed her the first, which had her name upon it in spidery handwriting, “is a glowing reference from my friend, the
fictitious
Lady Cunningham. Lady Preston, my friends, and my family will all swear to her existence. It could probably net you employment with the Queen, it’s such a high recommendation. No, actually, I’ll go so far as to say that if royalty were a position filled by merit, it would
make
you Queen. It’s really very impressive,” he said more seriously.

Then he handed her the second envelope and said hurriedly, “That is a bank check for your wages. It’s a goodly sum, but never enough, I know. There is no way I can pay you to recompense you for the discomfort, fear, and brutishness of your experiences, but at least the money is a substantial sum.”

As he stood and gazed down at her with a worried, anxious frown, she found her wits enough to protest as she handed the envelope back to him, “But there’s no need to pay me for what transpired. It’s as I told Robin, there can be no blame attached to him for what occurred.”

He smiled wryly before he said softly, “No, Julia, you have it the wrong way around. It is the wages for your experiences at my hands that you ar
e
being paid for.”

“Ah,” she said, and was all she could say. Because to refuse his money would be to declare her feelings for him, and to accept it was to accept the truth she had struggled against all night and all morning: that she had been in his employ, and that her only chance for a future with him would be to continue in his employ.

Without attempting to open them to so much as to glance at their contents, she sought to fold the thick envelopes double so that she could stuff them into her reticule, and her struggles to do so fortunately kept her from raising her eyes to his as she murmured, “Thank you, so kind.”

“Then you are satisfied? We are even at last?” he asked, as she managed to pull the strings of her purse tightly about the edges of the
envelopes.

“Yes, yes,” she replied, wondering distractedly if she ought to make her good-byes to him now. She would board the boat soon and then she might not see him again until they landed. Even then she would speedily hire a coach to take her home and so this might be the last chance for private speech with him.

But again, it was as though he were privy to her thoughts, for he said gruffly, somewhat angrily, “I may not have a chance for private speech with you again for some time. No doubt your loyal chaperone and maidservant will close about you like bramble bushes did around the sleeping beauty when we are aboard ship. Then, when we arrive no doubt you’ll be all haste to be home. And then I’ll have to manufacture a thousand excuses to get to your home and visit with you, and I’ll have to endure suspicious looks from your family, or make ridiculous excuses for my presence to your new employers. It’s not easy for a gentleman to seek out the companionship of a governess or a companion, without he looks like a bounder, or she, like an adventuress,” he complained.

“So, as they’re having a bit of trouble lading that pianoforte, or whatever it is in that crate they’re unsuccessfully trying to drag aboard ship,
”
he said, glancing rapidly over his shoulder to the packet, where a team of sweating sailors were attempting to haul a huge packing case over the edge of the deck, “I’ll speak now as I find the time to do so. But I warn you, Julia, I will not forever hold my pe
a
ce after that. I intend to make convincing you of my earnest my life’s ambition. I seize the moment now, but I promise I’ll continue to badger you—Lord,” he breathed in exasperation, “if I cannot even make a proposal to you without hectoring you again, how can I ever expect you to believe in my good intentions?”

“
Oh no!” Julia cried out at once, raising one hand to her lips in her distress. “Pray, oh pray do not make me that offer again! For I’d like to part from you with good feeling and—”

“Julia,” he said, cutting off her speech by taking her shoulders in his hands and looking at her keenly, “you don’t understand. I do not make the same offer. You would be a dreadful mistress, believe me. Yes,” he said with a smile at last warming his features, “you would. Don’t even consider it as an occupation for a moment. You haven’t an ounce of guile, you’d never flatter, much less cuddle, when you didn’t feel like it, and you’d go up like a skyrocket if a fellow so much as looked at another female. No, a chap would be demented to want you as his mistress. But he’d have to be certifiable, or at least as mad as you thought me when we first met, if he didn’t want you for his wife. And I do, Julia, I do.”

“But you can’t,” she said, knowing even as she said so, that he did, for that bond of commonality they shared could not be so right in everything else and so wrong only in this. But she dared not believe, because she had been so disastrously wrong when she had believed in love and in a loved one’s promises before. So she thought of all the reasonable reasons against their union, and as she
thought them she spoke them as though they were some incantation she chanted to ward off disappointment and deceit again.

“I am a commoner without a penny piece,” she protested, closing her eyes against the hope she saw in his and shaking her head vigorously in denial with every word she uttered until slips of her golden hair blew free about her face, “and I have no reputation as well as no birth. I am known to have run off with your nephew in the past. And I have worked for my livelihood, and I am past the first blush of youth, and what would people say?”

“And I am leagues in love with you,” he replied, holding her shoulders tightly, as though he feared she would run from him, “and well you know it. As to the rest, everyone would congratulate me for winning
such a bride, and pity Robin for falling out with you. As I do. Poor lad, perhaps I pity him even more for that than for anything else of his condition. And I would never ma
rr
y for money, and none would expect it of me,
”
he went on, never taking his eyes from her, more serious than she could ever recall him being.

“And my family would approve, perhaps it is yours you ought worry about, for they might never trust one of my class again. In fact, my stepfather would be pleased beyond words,” he said, his lips now curling upward at the thought. “He’s a great believer in breeding humans as one would cattle, and would be thrilled at my bringing new blood into the family to ensure vigor and improve our unsteady line. As for your age, you are but a babe, and as for your working, it was an honorable alternative to your living on pity. Julia,” he said imploringly, “these all are as nothing, you know. I list them only to placate you. The answer should come from how you feel about me. Julia, do you care for me, as I do for you?”

He had been sensitive enough to her hard-learned caution that he did not demand she declare her love. She had only to agree with him. But habits of years cannot be unlearned in an hour, even with love as their tutor. Julia looked into his clear, knowing eyes and found that she could not at that moment, for her life, utter the truth: that he was her life.

He saw her indecision, her inability to respond at once. He began to speak again, but thought better of it, and with one swift motion, he pulled her to himself and kissed her long and hard.

The sailors aboard the packet almost lost their difficult cargo overboard as they spied
the elegant gentleman and the beautiful blond lady on the edge of the dock lost in a fervent embrace beneath their very eyes. The French seamen were enchanted and declared the couple their countrymen, on the basis of the gentleman’s garb and the lady’s evident cooperation. Some of the English hearties protested that while the lady might be French, the gentleman’s decisive, no-nonsense manner marked him as one of theirs, and wagers were being laid on the matter before the couple parted.

But the pair were oblivious to all but each other, and when Nicholas drew back from Julia, he said on a shaken breath, “You do love me, I’d swear it. We are companion spirits. Can you not say it, Julia? Can you accept me and say that you will have me?”

Julia rested within his clasp and watched those lips that could say and do so many delicious things to her. And then, as though she wanted to be on record as having voiced every last objection before she embraced happiness as completely as she had embraced him, she said shyly, “Are you absolutely sure, Nicholas? Have you forgotten all the things you’ve done and said to me?”

She hadn’t considered her exact words, or even paid much attention to them. After all these weeks of doubt, she had only wished for the felicity of being asked just once more, to be fully certain of his meaning before she gave her answer. So she was surprised when he drew back from her, a look of bitter wrath crossing over his face.

“
So you still do not entirely trust me?” he asked bleakly. “It is because of how I treated you when we first met. You said then that you would never forgive that blow, and now I see it has indeed come back to haunt us. I had feared as much. When we are ninety-odd, Julia, and you grow cross with me, shall you still fling that blow back in my face as I delivered it to yours? Lord,” he said shaking his head sadly, “I wish there were some way to even the score so that the thing were as dead and gone as the tangle of lies which begot it. I would wish us to begin our life together with a clean slate. Is there no way that I can erase that insult from your heart and mind?”