That One Moment (Lost in London #2) (29 page)

I crack the top on the can of soda in my hands. My jaw clenches in annoyance because this feels wrong on so many levels. I shrug my shoulders, dismissively opting to remain silent.

She frowns. “What? You’re not going to tell me anything?” Her tone is defensive.

“I don’t see how it’s any of your business.” I turn and lean back on the counter to face her, taking a cool drink.

“I just think it’s odd that you told me only a couple of weeks ago that you’re putting yourself first and focusing all your efforts on you. Then I see you holding hands and cosying up to this blonde you barely know.” She gestures flippantly toward the living room where I left Vi with everyone else.

My temper flares. “She’s not just a fucking blonde, Rey. She’s got a damn name and you bloody well know it. Stop acting as if she’s some random bird I picked up at a pub. And you’re one to talk!”

“What do you mean?”

“You were a fucking mess too and you got engaged!” I accuse, not because I’m jealous, but because I’m defensive. “What did your therapist say about that?”

She recoils. “Liam and I had history.”

“Don’t remind me.” I cringe thinking about the fact that Liam and my sister nearly got engaged when they were together at Oxford. It makes me ill to think of Rey with him, truthfully. I’m all for unconventional love stories, but fuck me…don’t come over here acting all self-righteous when you’re the pot calling the kettle black. “Regardless, none of this is your concern.”

“Oh, excuse me for being a friend!” she snaps.

“You and I aren’t friends anymore, Rey.” I set my can down and cross my arms, mirroring her subliminal shield of armour.

“Not by my choice!” she shouts. “I miss you, Hayden!”

“Oh please,” I laugh with shock. “You wouldn’t even be talking to me if Liam was here and you know it. If he were here, he’d be sulking in the corner watching us like a hawk.”

“Knock it off. Liam isn’t like that. He understands what you and I are.”

“You and I
were
a fucking mess, Rey. Were. Don’t build us up to be more than we
were
.”

Her eyes narrow with barely contained fury. “We were best friends, Hayden,” she says in slow, warning tones.

“You made me weak, Rey!” I roar, feeling like for the first time I’ve finally pegged exactly what Reyna Miracle was to me all those years. “You made me fragile. And you bring me right back to the sod all mess I was all those years ago and I don’t fucking want it.” Her jaw drops in shock, only infuriating me more. “We were
never
best friends. You said it yourself on that park bench. We know nothing about each other, so you can’t possibly throw that card at me now.”

Her grey eyes well with tears. I flinch, “Fuck, Rey. I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you for everything, especially not for what I did to myself. It was my own fault. I just need you to understand that you cannot have a say in my life anymore. And you cannot use our past against me.”

She swipes hastily at her eyes, and I have to fight every urge in my body that wants to go to her and comfort her…rub that spot on her neck that I know soothes her almost instantly. It’s a reflex with Rey. Comforting her. She craves my comfort like a crutch and I let her use me that way for so many years. Maybe we both have addictions to fight?

She sets her jaw angrily and turns, storming out of the kitchen. When I watch her leave, I find Vi and Leslie standing in the entryway staring at the scene that just transpired. Both their jaws are dropped.

Fuck.

Anger pulses through me at the fact that Rey can go off on me like that and then act all wounded when I get real with her. I stride over and motion for Leslie to follow me. I can’t even bring myself to look at Vi right now.

“Hayden, what the fuck?” Leslie says, following me out the front door and into the gated patio area on the face of the house. It’s completely shrouded in ivy, similar to how my heart is shrouded in shame.

“Fuck, Leslie. I don’t know what to bloody do!” I exclaim with a forced whisper so no one can hear me. “My mind is spinning and I’m a fucking mess. A lot of what Rey said was true. I was going to focus on myself, yet here I am acting like a normal fucking bloke with a new girlfriend!”

“You are a normal bloke, Hayden!” Leslie cries. “Don’t let Rey’s insecurities tell you otherwise. She has her own demons to fight.”

“I swore I’d never let anyone become number one over me again. I gave Rey so much power over my moods and my heart. Now I’m doing the same damn thing with Vi!” I shove my hands forcibly through my hair. All of this is too much too soon. How did I let Vi get so close so fast?

“Stop. Right now. Stop everything.” Leslie sticks out her hands like she’s trying to calm a wild beast. “You’re letting Rey get in your head. You don’t need her there. She’s a trigger for you. Don’t let her make you crumble. Don’t give her that power.”

I nod, seriously absorbing everything Leslie is saying, but feeling a pit of despair in the bottom of my stomach like I could be screwing everything up for myself again.

“Hayden. You deserve to be happy,” Leslie adds. “It’s been a year.”

“Right!” I whisper scream, my voice bordering on a manly shriek. “It’s been a year. You’ve seen me through it. I’m a completely different person than I was fresh out of rehab. Aren’t I?” I grip my leather cuffs and ache for the pressure thundering through every part of my body to dampen. I want this to be true. I need it to be.

“You are different, Hayden. Calm down,” she says soothingly.

“Fuck. I just wanted a normal night out.” I crouch over a chair and drop my head down to my chest. “I’m so tired of feeling broken.”

“You’re not broken. You’re changing. Change is hard. But from the looks of it, you’re making all the right changes! That’s what matters.”

I nod silently to myself. I am doing this properly. I can’t let Rey rattle my confidence. Vi and I are taking things slow. We’re not rushing into anything. We’re not saying “I love you.” We’re just together. Meeting friends. That sort of thing. Nothing major…

…even though there’s a heaviness in my heart that’s screaming at me to stop ignoring it.

A sensation that I’ve never felt before…even with Rey.

The car ride back to Theo and Leslie’s is quiet and charged with tension and unspoken words. Vi has hardly looked at me or touched me since Rey’s hasty departure. I know she’s probably angry about how I treated her all evening, but surely she can see why I acted as I did. She’s got to understand that all of this is still difficult for me.

She offers polite goodbyes and I begin walking her back to her flat.

“You don’t have to walk me home, Hayden,” she croaks under the dark streetlight.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snap with exasperation as we walk at a quickening pace down the sidewalk.

“I’m not being ridiculous. I’m perfectly capable of walking my own arse back to my own flat. I don’t need you.”

My hand shoots out and wraps around her elbow, bringing her to a halt so swiftly that she stumbles into my chest. “What are you doing?”

She refuses to look up at me even though we’re pressed tightly together. “I’m just reading the writing on the wall.”

“Stop,” I demand and force her chin up so she looks at me. The hurt and confusion and pain swimming in her glossy eyes crushes me. My anger melts to heartache. “Vi, stop,” I beg.

She shakes her head. “No. You hurt me tonight. I was on cloud nine with you until Rey showed up. You wouldn’t even hold my hand! Are you still in love with her?”

“No, don’t be daft,” I scoff, looking away to hide my irritation, but refusing to let Vi go.

“Well, who am I to be jealous of then? Am I jealous of Rey or am I jealous of Leslie? I can’t keep up! I’m sure Julie would be in line for a quick shag if the mood struck you!”

I swirl her around and press her up against the nearest flat surface, both hands braced on the stone wall on either side of her head, caging her in so she remains in front of me. “This is complete shit and you know it, Vi. You know me. You know me better than anyone!”

“I thought I did. But that was before you chose to run off and confide in Leslie instead of me! That shit hurt, Hayden. How on earth do you think that makes me feel? Are you in love with your brother’s fiancé?” she snaps meanly.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I growl, clenching my fists in anger.

“Then why can’t you talk to me?” her voice rises to a pitch that jolts me.

“I can’t tell you these things,” I grind out through clenched teeth, slamming my eyes shut in utter fear.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to scare you away!” I bark and look at her finally. Her jaw actually closes and her defiance morphs into a simpler, moody scowl. “Everything is different with you, Vi. The stakes are higher.”

Her jaw shifts as she absorbs my outburst, but I can tell it’s not enough. Her eyes narrow in willful determination. “I need to understand your relationship with Leslie more, Hayden. It hurts me to see you confide in her over me!” she exclaims.

“She stopped the blood!” I roar, billowing over top of my last shred of self-control. “The blood wasn’t just coming from my wrists, Vi. It was coming from my heart and my soul. I hurt everywhere, but Leslie was the one to put pressure on the wound and make it stop. She made it all stop.” Shocked at what I’ve just revealed, my hand grips Vi’s hip as a painful emotion bubbles up from somewhere deep and dark inside of me. “Leslie held my head in her lap and my life in her hands. That is something a person can never forget.”

Tears slide down Vi’s face and my own screws up in pain over what I keep doing to her. God, I keep making her cry…over and fucking over again. But I need her to understand. I need her to keep
looking at me
. I take my hands and cup her cheeks, wiping away the tears as if that act alone can wipe away her pain.

“I will always have a certain attachment to Leslie. She helped me understand reality. She saw into my soul that night so long ago. A place that I didn’t think anyone else could see…until you.” I look down to try and stifle the fear ripping through my body.

Vi inhales a shaky breath and her head nods in my hands, forcing me to look up in shock at her approval. “I’m sorry, Hayden,” she croaks, her voice thick with emotion. “I can’t understand something like that, but I’ll try. That’s all I can do. I just wish…I wish I could have been there for you.”

I exhale with relief and lift her chin with a gentle nudge of my knuckle. “You have no idea how much I wish the same thing. I’m the one who should be sorry. As much as I’ve shared with you, I struggle to share things that I still don’t fully understand myself.”

She nods woodenly.

“But the thing is,” I start, dropping a needful kiss to her forehead before pressing my own to hers, “I thought I already knew the reason why I was grateful that I hadn’t erased my life forever that night…until you. You, Vi…
you
make me want to fight even harder to be the man I want to be.”

Her taut, emotional expression softens into a look of lust and desire. She grabs my neck and pulls me down to her lips. The relief. The absolute, ecstasy-encompassing relief I feel with her mouth on mine and the understanding that one simple act proves to my heart right now…is life-changing.

“Take me home,” she whimpers against my lips, sliding her hands down to grip my biceps in her small grasp. “Take me home and show me how strong you are.”

I release a husky laugh against her lips. It’s a laugh that makes everything inside of me lunge for her. Even with all this drama, all this fucked up confusion, she still doesn’t see me as broken. She’s just a woman who wants me to fuck her senseless right here. We’re still us…whatever we are. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking, Bunny?” I grin wickedly down at her, thinking about everything I could to do to her.

She giggles.
God, she fucking giggles.

“Show me rude rabbit, pretty please.” Her eyebrows waggle at me suggestively.

I’m instantly hard.

The way this woman can look at me—a frail, weak, broken, and emotional fucking mess of a man—and still want me to take her home and have my way with her. Christ, if she’s not it for me…no one is.

I stand behind Vi as she’s perched on the edge of her large, baroque-style bed. Her blonde hair cascades down her fresh, alabaster skin that is glowing in the dim evening light that pours in from the windows of her flat. Her posture is straight and perfect. Poised and ready for what I’m about to do to her.
Vi takes direction really well
, I think, smirking to myself as I crawl up behind her on the bed. She’s sitting completely naked except for her cobalt blue thong that I told her to leave on. I kneel behind her. My front to her back. I nudge my erection into her back, shrouded only in a pair of black boxer briefs. She shudders out a quick, shaky breath and it makes me smile. I reach around and stroke my fingertips from her breasts, up the front of her neck, and finally to her chin. I pull her mouth up to meet mine, her head thrown back as I tower over her.