Thankful for Love (23 page)

“I have spent the past week regretting every single word I said on Thanksgiving and trying to get up enough nerve to come here to apologize. I can't imagine you'll forgive me and I'm sure you're angry, but I hope you'll find it in your heart not to take it out on Jack and the boys. They love you. They don't deserve to be hurt because of me.”

Quanna didn't say anything. Couldn't say anything, she was so stunned by Anne's words.

Anne started to rise from the futon. “There. I've said my piece. I'll leave you ...”

“No, wait.” Quanna swallowed hard to compose herself. “You don't know how much it means to me to have you come here. Thank you. Both for the apology and the explanation. I never thought about what you must have gone through when Paula died. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a daughter, although I know a bit from what Jack and the boys have said about what it was like for them to lose a wife and mother.”

“They talk about Paula to you?”

“Of course they do. So do Barbara and Amanda and Sam. No one's leaving her behind, especially Jack and the boys. Daniel wants to make sure Lucas has clear memories of her so he tells him stories about the things they did as a family. And Jack ... Paula was part of his life from the time they were kids. How could you ever think he'd forget her? He'll always love her.”

Anne began to weep softly. Quanna went to the kitchen for tissues, which she shared with her because she, too, was tearing up. “Paula is part of them, part of their lives. No one can change that. No one wants to change that, especially me. You have no reason to be jealous.”

The two women almost simultaneously wiped their eyes and blew their noses. Anne had a weak smile on her face as she said, “I didn't expect you to be so understanding. You're as wonderful as Jack says you are.” She blew her nose again. “So, if you're okay with me now and if you know Lenny Dickson has been banned forever from the Richardson Ranch, can things go back to the way they were with you and Jack before Thanksgiving?”

Quanna shook her head. “As much as I appreciate your coming here and what you said, I don't think going back is possible. Thanksgiving showed me what I'd been afraid of all along—there are people around who don't like the idea of a white man being with an Indian. I can't set Jack and the boys up for that kind of treatment.”

“Oh, you're doing it for Jack and the boys.”

“Of course I am. Who else would I be doing it for?”

Anne finally stood. “Well, it occurs to me you might not be protecting Jack as much as you're protecting yourself. I wouldn't have thought you would be afraid of anything, but giving up because of what might happen ...”

“Anne, this is about
knowing
what will happen, not worrying it might. I want to spare Jack and the boys having to go through what I'm sure they'll have to face because of who I am.”

“If you say so.” Anne put out her hand. “I don't have the right to ask to be your friend. But I do hope you can overlook my recent behavior and give me another chance to win your regard.”

Quanna shook her hand. “Absolutely. Thank you again. I appreciate your honesty and your courage in coming here.” She opened the door.

 Anne paused in the doorway. “Quanna, we're all afraid sometimes. I was afraid to come here to see you. Courage isn't feeling no fear. It's facing the fear and moving ahead in spite of it. If you don't want to take advice from me, I understand. But you might want to think about what I just said. It applies to you as much as it does to me.” This time her smile was open, friendly, and honest. “I hope I see you again.”

During the drive out to the ranch on Saturday, Quanna kept hearing Anne's words. Was she giving in to fear as Anne had said? And was she being honest about what she was afraid of? And for whom?

And then there was Jack's accusation. She
had
made the decision to break things off without talking to him. Was it because she was being brave for him or because she was being afraid for herself?

She didn't have the answers, but she acknowledged she had to talk to Jack in order to try to find them. She'd think about it over the weekend, and maybe by next week, she'd have the courage to do something about it.

Her plan to wait until the following week changed abruptly when she arrived at the house and saw Jack's pickup in front, in its usual spot. Maybe fate was suggesting rather strongly now was better than later.

She parked next to it and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel for a few moments trying to decide if she wanted to go in. When Anne's final comment resurfaced again in her mind, she decided to take the advice and a first step by facing
all
the Richardsons.

Daniel answered her knock on the door. “How come you didn't use your key?” he asked.

“I'm not coming to work today, am I? And it's not my house.” She stepped into the familiar entryway, looking around for evidence of the owner of the truck. “Your dad's pickup is out front. I thought you said he wasn't here this morning.”

Daniel avoided her gaze and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I guess I misunderstood.”

“Daniel.” She used the tone of voice that always got him to do what she asked.

“Okay. I guess I knew he would be here.”

“So, what about getting to the soccer game?”

“There isn't one. I wanted you to come here when you weren't working and Dad was here so you could talk and make everything all right again.” He looked so unhappy she wanted to hug him. “But it didn't work. He went riding. I tried to get him to stay, but I couldn't.”

“He didn't want to see me?” Maybe her bravery was already too late.

“I didn't tell him you were coming. I told him we needed him here for homework and stuff. He said he'd help when he got back. He's been riding a lot this week. To think, he says.”

“You shouldn't have lied to me, Daniel. You could have asked me to come talk to your dad.”

“I didn't know if you would say yes.”

He had her, and he probably knew it. “I don't know what I would have said. But I never had the chance to decide, did I?”

“Please. Wait for him now.”

The last thing she wanted was to have a conversation with Jack—this conversation in particular—within earshot of two curious kids. “Maybe I can go to him if you know where he went.”

“I think he goes out to the pond where the cattle are.”

“Oh. Then I guess I can't. I don't know how to find the road there.”

“But you know how to get there on a horse, don't you?”

• • •

Jack had been pitching stones into the pond for who knows how long, trying to decide if he was going to finally do what he'd set out each morning that week to do. On one hand, it made sense to get rid of the reminders of his hopes for a life with Quanna. On the other hand, if he did what he'd planned, it would be a sign any future with her was definitely off the table. Was he ready to give up? God knows, there had been little indication his tiny shred of hope was warranted. But there was still a part of him desperate to hang on to any possibility no matter how infinitesimal.

He was about to reach into his pocket for the offending items when he heard the sound of an approaching horse. Damn it, Daniel had disobeyed again. He whirled around and started to light into his son. “How many times have I told you ...”

It wasn't Daniel. Twenty feet away from him was Quanna. On Rose.

“You're not Daniel,” was all he could think of to say.

“No, I'm not.” She dismounted and led the horse toward him.

“And you're riding Rose.”

“Daniel saddled her for me.”

He had to smile. “The devious little ...”

“You don't know the half of it. He asked me to come out to the ranch today to take him to a soccer game because you were busy with something else.”

“What soccer game?”

“Exactly.”

She was now so close he could reach out and touch her. He didn't because he was sure she'd back away, but knowing he could made his heart ache with need. “What are you doing here?” His tone was more demanding than it should be, but he needed to know what was going on.

“Like I said, I was lured here by a ten-year-old.” She seemed to be looking any place but at him.

“I didn't mean here as in the ranch. I meant here as in this spot.”

“Oh, that. Well, I had decided on the drive out here I needed the answer to a couple of questions. And I can't answer them without talking to you. Besides, I owe you the truth about something. Since Daniel set it up so nicely for us to be together, I'm taking advantage of it.”

“What questions do you need answered?”

“Do you think I'm a coward?”

“Of course not. Why would you even ask?”

“Anne pretty much called me one, and I'm beginning to think she was right.”

“Anne Salazar? That's terrible. When?”

“When she came to apologize on Thursday, she said I wasn't trying to protect you and the boys. I was afraid and trying to protect myself. I told her she was wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right she was.”

She looked directly at him for the first time. “I kept saying I was trying to keep you from being hurt by what people like that Lenny guy would say. But it's not true. I was scared. Gossip is like water falling on a rock. At first it rolls right off. But eventually, the incessant drip, drip, drip begins to make an impression. After a while, it wears away the rock completely.”

She touched him for the first time, placing her hand in his. He regretted the gloves he was wearing kept him from skin-to-skin contact with her.

 “I love you so much I couldn't run the risk you'd turn away from me because of the comments I knew people would make. It would kill me to lose you because of who I am. So I took the coward's way out ...”

“And sent me away because you were afraid I'd walk away.” He finally understood what had happened. The relief he felt must surely show on his face. It definitely showed in his shaking hands as he took both of hers. “I thought you knew me better, Quanna. I love you. You have to believe me. The opinions of some racist jackass could never change that. I'm not like your brother's wife. I'd never walk away because things got a little complicated. Life's complicated. I know that better than most. You don't just give up. You keep going.”

“Maybe my brother's experience was more on my mind that I was willing to admit. Maybe that's what made me so scared.” She shivered, and he drew her closer. “I thought I was the brave one in this relationship because I was willing to face the truth about what people might say and you weren't. But I'm beginning to believe you've been the brave one all along.” She shivered again. “Sorry. It's freezing out here.”

Unbuttoning his shearling coat, he wrapped it around her. Her cold hands shocked him when she put her arms around his middle. “Oh, sweetheart. We need to get you home and in front of a fire.”

“Let me finish first before we have two eager eavesdroppers. There's another question. You said I was doing the same thing I accused you of doing—making decisions for us, for all of us, without consulting anyone else. Okay, then let me ask you, if you don't think we should break up because of what happened on Thanksgiving, how do you think we should handle stuff like that? Because, trust me, it won't be the last time.”

“About that. I owe you an apology. I didn't take it seriously when you warned me there were people like Lenny among my friends. I'm sorry. I won't make that mistake again. But what do I think we should do? Act as a team. Present a united family front. Call the bigots out about their prejudice when we hear it. Talk to the kids so they're not blindsided in case it happens to them. Live our lives without giving those assholes space in our heads.”

“You mean it, don't you?”

“Of course I do.” He kissed the top of her head. “As long as we're together, we're strong enough to face anything. I'm sure of it.”

“There's one last thing.”

“Right, the truth you think you owe me. You've got me curious.”

“I got the job with you under false pretenses. I took down almost all the fliers you put up so I wouldn't have too much competition because I wanted the job so badly.”

For the first time in a week, Jack laughed. “That's not much of a lie. But at least it explains why so few people contacted me. This time, there have been a dozen or more.”

“Have you already hired someone?” She sounded worried about the possibility. Which made him happy.

“Not yet. I haven't even scheduled interviews. Thought I might get to it next week. Or the week after. I figured if I put it off long enough, I might have a chance to convince you to stay.”

“Now I see where Daniel gets his deviousness.”

“Speaking of the conniver-in-chief, we should get back to the house. I don't like to leave them to their own devices too long. And you're turning into an ice cube.”

“Why are you out here in this weather, anyway?”

“I was about to do something drastic.” He pulled two rings from his coat pocket. “I was going to pitch these into the pond so I wouldn't have to look at them every day. Think I'll keep them now.” He held out his hand so she could see them. “Amanda brought them on Thanksgiving. A jewelry designer she knows made them for me. I wanted rings with a special meaning for us. So the designer braided metals to remind me of how you wear your hair and used copper, silver, and gold to represent the strands that make up the two of us. They're meant to be our wedding rings. I was going to ask you to marry me before you left on Thanksgiving.”

Her smile was tenuous, struggling as she was to overcome the tears backing up in her eyes. “They're beautiful,” she managed to get out.