Tequila & Tea Bags (26 page)

Leave who alone? What the
hell
is she talking about?’ This is definitely too much with a concussion

‘James,’ she hisses, her face red and furious. Her eyes are glassy, as if she’s storing tears. ‘I told you he was trouble.’

I’ve never seen her so livid. And I’ve stolen her chocolate.

‘Why are you so pissed off?’ I ask, my voice high pitched and wobbly. I’m not doing well at holding it together.

‘Because you’ve ruined things
again
, Rose. Why couldn’t you just try and have a normal life without shagging
everyone
in sight!’

My mouth hangs open in shock. She grabs her handbag and storms out, banging the door behind her. Leaving me completely alone.

I welcome the crushing devastation taking over me, burning my chest, closing my throat and stinging at my eyes. Tears stream down my face, making a small puddle on my chest. I’ve brought this all on myself by being a dirty little slut. Maybe Elsie’s got the right idea. Nun-ville here I come.

***

Monday 17
th
November

The next morning I put the keys into the cottage door, pausing to see if I can hear anything. I’m still shocked Elsie didn’t pick me up from the hospital. I mean, I know she was mad, but I thought she’d have gotten over it by now. I mean, how does this even affect her? I’m an idiot, sure, but surely she knew that anyway.

I didn’t have any money for a cab, so I had to get two buses. With crutches. That’s harder than you’d think. I’m shattered, my bones screaming in agony, but more than that, let-down.

I swing the door open and find her sat on the sofa, her pink duvet wrapped completely around her, barely leaving her head exposed. She’s watching what looks like The OC box set and her eyes are all puffy, as if she’s been crying. This can't just be about me messing things up with Will. There has to be more to it than that.

‘Elsie, what’s wrong?’ I throw the crutches against the wall and wobble over to her, throwing my hospital bag on the floor.

She raises her head, as if she’s just realised I’m here. Didn’t she hear the door? Why is she so spaced out?

‘Oh, hi,’ she croaks, forcing herself to give me a half smile which doesn’t meet her eyes. It’s so unlike her. It’s almost scary. Definitely unsettling.

‘What the hell is wrong? Why have I pissed you off so much?’ I perch awkwardly on the edge of the sofa. I’m not sure she’d appreciate me trying to hug her.

‘You just had to ruin things,’ she says quietly. She’s still looking ahead into space. Has she had a breakdown?

I’m so confused. ‘Ruin what? My relationship with Will?’ I swallow down the tears barely kept under the surface. Yeah, I already know I fucked up there, but why the hell does that affect you so much?’

I really don’t get it. I’m devastated enough without her turning on me too.

‘I warned you off James.’ Still no emotion in her voice.

I smile to myself. ‘Don’t you see how appealing that made him?’ I force a laugh, despite feeling more alone and gloomy than ever. ‘And what’s the big deal, it was just sex,’ I shrug. ‘And it was before Will. I didn’t cheat.’

She snaps her head towards me, her eyes filled with contempt.

‘That’s all it ever is to you, isn’t it, Rose? Sex.’ Well, her voice has emotion now. A tone of bitter resentment. ‘That’s what your whole life revolves around. Don’t worry about anyone else.’

My mouth drops open. This new Elsie shocks me so much. I just want a cuddle and to be told everything’s going to be okay. Instead she’s being bitchy. This isn’t like her. Maybe I
will
have to get her committed. I’ll need to google the symptoms of a breakdown.

I try to open my mouth to say something, but close it quickly. I don’t know if anything will help. It has the potential to make it worse.

‘You want to hear something funny?’ she snarls, her eyes ablaze with abhorrence. ‘I was supposed to save you. The vicar told me to help someone I know. To save them from their ways. It was my very first test. Well, I’ve blooming failed now, haven’t I? Because you can't keep your knickers on.’

Ouch. It’s like she’s hit me square in the nose.

A tear escapes down my cheek, but I don’t feel it. I can't feel anything. A numbness is taking over. I think it's my body’s way of trying to protect itself.

The one person who I thought would always be on my side, who would love me unconditionally, has turned their back on me. Why am I even surprised? My own parents have, but this one really burns.

‘I…I’m sorry,’ I blub.

I turn away, not wanting her to see me cry. I force my tired limbs up the stairs, having to revert to crawling because of the shooting pain in my ankle. I slam the door behind me and climb under the covers, still fully clothed. I bury my head in my pillow like a wounded animal. I hear a rustle and realise a note from Janey has been left on the pillow. I assume, as I haven’t heard from her, that she’s gone back to Mexico. Some friend she is.

Hun,

I’ve got to go. I still want you to come join me in Mexico, but I get it that Will’s keeping you here. I tried it on with him last night and he just blatantly refused me. He’s a keeper!

Love ya! xxx

  I pull my knees up into my chest reverting to a foetal position, as I start to contemplate it all. How could she really think trying it on with Will was a good friend thing to do? Where could she have thought she was looking out for me? It doesn’t matter. She’s gone now.

I’ve got no one left. Will hates me. The one almost traditional relationship I’ve had and I’ve fucked it up by sleeping with his brother. It’s like some horrible Jeremy Kyle show. But I mean it was before I even knew I liked him. Not that it matters, him and Elsie hate me now. I’ve probably stopped her from fulfilling her dream as a nun. Maybe I
should
keep Janey sweet. She’s my only friend in the world right now. Lauren and Megan are bound to turn on me when they find out how much of a horrible person I am.

The front door slams, shaking the door frames. I spring from bed and hop into Elsie’s room to watch out the window. She walks down the road, her arms crossed over her chest and her head down. She looks devastated. I’m so upset I’ve disappointed her. The truth is that I couldn’t give a crap about her becoming a nun; I think it’s a big mistake, but to hurt her like this is unforgiveable. In my old life I never really cared enough to worry when other people were upset, but this feels different. She’s always had so much time for me and I’ve failed her.

I turn to leave, deciding to spend the day crying in bed, but I trip over her ridiculously long curtains. I land flat on the floor, my hands just breaking my fall. The pain in my foot shoots up my leg. She really needs to get someone to hem them.

I lift my head and look beneath her bed, trying to get my bearings. The doctor told me to take it easy, not go falling about like a clumsy bitch. God, for a Christian woman she’s got a lot of shit under here. Doesn’t Godliness mean cleanliness or some crap like that? Maybe I should clean it for her. Try to earn some brownie points.

I move a dusty box out when I see it. A shoe box marked with a black pen SAVINGS. Savings? Why would she hide money under the bed? Is she a secret bank robber? Is that why she feels she needs to repent?

I grab the box lid before I can reason with myself and rip it off, sitting back on my heels to examine it. Shit, there’s loads of notes in here; fifties, twenties, tens, all scrunched up messily. I start counting it and see there must be at least two grand in here. What the fuck? Hasn’t she ever heard of a bank?

I feel the creased notes between my fingers as my mind wanders. This could solve everything. I’d get to Mexico, and Elsie and Will wouldn’t have to look at my pathetic face every day with hatred in their eyes. I’d be doing her a favour. She’s obviously too polite to ask me to leave and I can hardly go back to my parents with my tail between my legs. Janey’s obviously already forgotten about our fight. I could make up with her properly and live the life we’d always planned on.

Before I’ve thought too much about it, I’ve staggered into my room, emptied the money into my handbag and am stuffing clothes into my hospital bag. It's the only way.

***

Monday 17
th
November continued

The heels of my boots slam against the tiled airport floor as I struggle to get to the flight desk with my crutches. It’s drawing more attention to me than wanted. I carry my bag over to the First in Flights desk and start queuing up. I must be the only British person that hates queuing. It's so annoying having to wait. It's giving me too much time to think about this, and the more I think the more I’m considering if this is the right thing to do.

I mean, why am I even considering staying? Sunny Mexico over the Yorkshire boring countryside? Sand and tequila over grass and tea bags. Of course I know which one is more appealing. All I can think about is Will’s face the moment he realised I’d slept with James. He was sickened by me. There’s no way he’ll ever be able to look at me the same again after that, let alone want to be with me. Then there’s Elsie and how I’ve messed up her whole churchy assignment. What if she can't become a nun because of me? She’ll never forgive me. But then, isn’t the whole church thing supposed to be based on forgiveness? I doubt she’ll ever get over it. I’m so confused.

I try to shake the thoughts of them from my mind and concentrate on Janey. My hilarious, spunky friend Janey. Only…well, she’s hardly been a good friend to me since I’ve moved here. She didn’t reply to
one
message I sent her. I suppose I could blame it on her being busy in Mexico, but I mean she must have some time off, right? She had enough time to find a rich sugar daddy. Her pictures on Facebook show a lot of lazing on the beach. That doesn’t look too busy to me.

And then just turning up here and trying to steal Will away from me. I know she says she was trying to look out for me, but that isn’t how normal friends act, right? I can't imagine Elsie, Megan or Lauren behaving that badly.

Thinking about it now, it's almost hard to believe we’re friends. I suppose if I were to really dissect it we could just be compared to acquaintances who live similar lives. We both like to live life the same way; party hard, fuck everyone else. But when I truly think of what a friend should be, I’m not sure if she fits the description. I’ve never confided a secret to her and we’ve never really even talked about anything more superficial than who we currently fancied, or how to get out of Watford. The girls have been more than a friend to me in the seven weeks that I’ve been here.

An impatient tapping foot brings me back to reality. The queues moves forward, but I’m still standing here, staring into space. I smile an apology at the frustrated woman behind me and quickly move along. I’m suddenly feeling nervous now that I’m this close to the desk. This close to leaving the only place that’s ever felt like home to me.

I allow myself the pain of thinking about leaving Mitsy and Betty. I’ve been trying not to think about them at all, as if to ignore they ever existed, but how could I? Both have changed my life in so many profound ways and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. I wonder if Will will think to go to the stables and feed her? And what if Betty hears about me leaving and is upset she didn’t wave me off? The woman’s like a grandmother to me and this is how I treat her? What is wrong with me? Oh, that’s right, I’m a selfish slut. That’s without even thinking about Lauren and her straight talking sass and Megan’s sweet sense of mischief.  

The lady in front of me finishes and walks away. I swallow down the lump in my throat and hop up to it. My head feels like a whirlwind, my chest right, as every emotion I’ve been supressing decides to resurface at once.

‘Your…next flight to Mexico please.’

***

As the taxi passes the sign for Belmont Leaf Village I smile to myself. I’ve made the right decision. This place is home now. I know it. It doesn’t matter how much apologising I have to do. I
have
to try. It pulls into Elsie’s road and I spot Will and Elsie stood outside talking. My heart melts when I see him. I can't wait to run over to him and apologise for that whole James misunderstanding. I’ve thought about it and I know I can explain it to him, so that he understands. I know I can claw back what we had. I just have to be willing to beg. When he understands that it was before us he’ll forgive me.

I throw a twenty at the taxi driver, making a mental note that I will still owe Elsie twenty quid, and jump out as quickly as possible with my holdall and crutches. They both turn and stare at me in disbelief.

‘Hi guys!’ I beam.

Why are they looking so weird? I’ve only been gone two hours.

I can't believe how euphorically happy I feel. I hadn’t realised how making the decision to stay would make me feel so good. It’s like I’ve been subconsciously stressing about it without even realising.

Will narrows his eyes at me so harshly I shiver, as if he’s turning my bones to ice. He’s still this angry? I look at Elsie, my own brow furrowed. She looks pissed too. Uh-oh. My hopes that they’d have calmed down a bit evaporate.

‘What’s up?’ I ask quietly, my precious confidence quickly dwindling.

‘You’re back?’ she asks, muddled. She scratches her head. ‘I thought you’d left?’

‘Left?’ I force a fake awkward laugh, urging myself not to turn red. ‘Why would I have left?’

I didn’t leave a note. How could they have guessed that?

Elsie crosses her arms over her chest and looks sulky. ‘I just thought you’d gone,’ she mutters quietly.

‘It's not rocket science,’ Will interrupts scornfully. ‘You arrive back in a taxi after stealing all of her money.’ His voice carries such disdain.

My eyes widen as the gruesome realisation settles over me. She knows. She knows I took her money and she’s told Will. Now I look at her closer I can see that the rims of her eyes are red. She must have been crying. Guilt swallows me up as I look at her, already trying to forgive me. I feel sick to my stomach.

‘It's okay,’ she smiles bravely, shrugging. ‘It’s fine.’

‘No, it's not, Elsie!’ Will barks, making us both jump. ‘Will you stop being so fucking reasonable?’

He hates me. I can see it now. There’s going to be a
lot
of begging.

‘Will, I’m sorry,’ I whisper, my eyes dropping to the floor.

I feel so ashamed. Could this really be the man that was confessing his love only a few days ago? I’ve made him despise me.

‘Sorry for what?’ he roars with a smirk. ‘For sleeping with James? Or for stealing Elsie’s money and deciding to run off without even a goodbye?’ His words burn my face like he’s thrown acid.

Is he hurt? Could this be coming from hurt?

‘I came back,’ I whisper, my chest feeling as heavy as lead. It sounds so pathetic compared to everything else I’ve done.

‘Well, congratulations,’ he snarls sarcastically. ‘You decided to come back. Only no one wants you here anymore.’

‘Will, that’s enough,’ Elsie interrupts. I have so much love for this woman. Fighting in my corner even after I’ve stolen her money. ‘She came back. Let’s all go in and have a brew.’

I feel the unshed tears thickening my throat. Is it possible I can feel worse with Elsie standing up for me? I truly don’t deserve her. But I want Will’s forgiveness too.

‘No! Fuck the tea!’ he roars, his face becoming red and blotchy.

Uh-oh. He’s refusing tea. This is bad.
Seriously
bad. I can actually see how wounded he feels.

‘Leave her,’ Elsie snaps, pushing him away and grabbing my arm. ‘Come in, Rose.’

I smile warmly at her as a tear escapes. I’m grateful, but I need to face up to him.

‘Go in, Elsie. I need to talk to Will.’

She begrudgingly walks in, but not before shooting a warning look at him. I turn to him, head hung in shame.

‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ he snaps, shaking his head. ‘I don’t know why I bothered,’ he says quietly, as if to himself. He turns and starts walking away. Potentially forever.

My heart strings pull, begging me to fight for him.

‘Will, stop!’ I beg, stumbling over and pulling on his arm. ‘You don’t understand.’ My voice is starting to break. I can't hold it in much longer.

He whips round to me, his face like thunder. ‘Don’t understand?’ he scoffs. ‘Don’t understand what? How you
fucked
my brother?’

It’s like he’s hit me with a hammer.

‘How you were just working at the home so you could escape to Mexico? How you started a relationship with me, when you had
no fucking intention
of sticking around? Go on, explain! Explain your way out of that!’

    I look into his hurt eyes, desperately searching for some way to explain myself. Some way of telling him how I feel. I search my mind for the right words, but nothing comes. It’s blocked by the pathetic tears streaming down my face. He hates me. It's all over his face. Maybe there’s no coming back from this.

‘I thought so,’ he says, his eyes resigned, nodding his head slowly. He turns and walks away. This time I don’t stop him.

I walk into the house, forcing my legs to move. I can't feel the pain in my ankle anymore. Compared to the fresh pain in my heart it’s nothing.

As soon as the door closes behind me I slump down onto the floor, letting the tears flow freely. I’ve fucked up everything. I’m such a giant loser.

Elsie prises my hands away from my face and plants a hot cup of tea in them. God, just looking at the tea makes me think of him. Before him I didn’t even drink it. Much like him, I had no idea what I was missing out on.

‘I’m sorry.’

I look up to see that it's not me that’s spoken. It’s Elsie. I scrunch up my forehead in bewilderment. Why the hell should
she
be apologising?

‘Elsie, why the fuck should
you
be sorry? I’m the bitch. I’m the one that stole your money.’ God, just saying it out loud makes me collapse into fresh sobs. I’m a horrible,
horrible
person.

‘But I drove you to it,’ she says, her eyes clearly pained. ‘When I came back from my walk and you weren’t here, I just knew. I was so horrible to you.’ She looks ashamed, bless her.

‘You had every right to be, babe. I’m the monster. I ruined your chances of saving me. What if you can't become a nun?’

It’s not enough that I’ve ruined my life, I’ve gone and ruined hers too. I take a sip of my tea and cry some more.

‘Oh, don’t worry about that,’ she shrugs airily. ‘Wait…do you think that was why I was upset?’ She seems puzzled.

‘Yeah… Wasn’t it?’

I’m so mixed up right now. My head feels like a washing machine. Am I now losing track of how I’m pissing people off? I should get a notebook.

She takes a big deep breath. ‘I was upset because of James,’ she says quickly as she releases it.

James? What the hell has he got to do with it? I stare at her, too baffled to talk.

‘We used to go out,’ she shrugs, as if this news is no big deal whatsoever.

WHAT?

Elsie and James? The trainee nun and the village bad boy? Only the biggest fucking deal EVER! No fucking way.

‘But you warned me off him?’ I blurt out, still not understanding or trusting this to be real. I’d probably believe the breakdown theory before I’d believe this.

‘Yeah, because I know first-hand.’ She looks away, her eyes wounded, as if reliving some memory.

What did that bastard do to her? He might have fucked me around, but I’m used to it. Poor little naïve Elsie must have been destroyed by him.

‘How long were you going out for?’ I blurt out, trying to work out the depth of her hurt.

She sighs, pushing her hair away from her face. ‘Three months. Long enough for me to fall in love with him.’ She looks down as if ashamed.

Love? How could she ever think he was capable of love?

‘And he didn’t feel the same?’ I guess.

How could anyone not fall in love with Elsie? Only James could be such a prick.

‘Worse. I’m sure he did, but he refused to admit it to himself.’ She takes her tea off the side and takes a sip. ‘He told me I was wrong and that he didn’t like me anymore, but I know he was just scared to admit it to himself. Oh, I don’t even know anymore.’ She throws her hands up in the air in distress and throws herself onto the sofa, spilling half her tea. ‘Aah! Hot! Hot!’ she shrieks, pulling her t-shirt away from her skin.  

‘So that’s why you warned me off him?’ It all makes sense now. She wasn’t trying to protect me. She was trying to protect herself from jealousy. ‘Wait, is this why you decided to be a nun?’

Did that bastard damage her so much she’d turn to God, rather than try to find love again?

‘It might have had something to do with it,’ she admits reluctantly, as she dabs herself down with a tea towel. ‘I might as well dedicate my life to God. It's not like I can ever have sex with anyone else ever again. He
ruined
me.’

‘Ruined you?’ I laugh, physically unable to stop the hysterics.

This is
too
hilarious.

She glares at me knowingly. ‘Remember how you told me about Will giving you your first orgasm?’