Teaching Kids to Think (18 page)

“Getting Lost” Teaches Valuable Skills

Reading a map, writing down directions, and estimating how much time it takes to get somewhere is quickly becoming a thing of the past. Our phones are so powerful that our children may never experience the discomfort of being lost. All you have to do is say, or tap, “go home,” and your location shows up on a map and the application asks if you are walking, driving, or riding a bicycle. Just for fun, it will tell you every restaurant, market, retail store, or gas station along your route, how long it will take, and ask if you would prefer a fast or scenic route home.

Now think about the skills that are practiced when teens get lost without the benefit of a smartphone. They need to review their plan or route, retrace their steps, find out where they went wrong, and figure out what to do to get back on track. That means looking around and deciding if it is safe to ask someone walking by or go to a gas station or store to get directions. They also have to figure out what to do about the time that was lost. If they are now running late, how are they going to deal with it responsibly? In addition, it teaches a great lesson in time management and planning for the unexpected, especially if they are on their way to an important appointment. Again, we love the convenience and safety of navigation apps such as Google Maps or built-in GPS navigators, but it is important to note that the use of navigation apps highlights even more ways technology decreases the number of opportunities for this generation of teens to practice problem solving.

Reading a map on your phone is easy, but it's not the same as using a paper map, or relying on your memory. Put a paper map in your child's hands, and she hasn't got a clue what to do with it. You will find this out on your next trip to a place so remote that there is no cell phone service or wireless Internet—and what a great opportunity this is to teach alternative ways to solve certain kinds of problems. Just because children and teens have access to the technology doesn't mean you can't encourage them to practice the old-fashioned way. Doing so is a great way to make up for missed opportunities to practice valuable skills.

Text Messaging

A teenage girl showed me a text she received from her boyfriend:

Boyfriend
: i dont think we should c each other anymore c u @ skool k?

—Dr. Darlene

Text messaging is here to stay. Parents ask us all the time about texting. Our favorite question goes something like this: “Is it OK that my child sends ten thousand or twenty thousand texts a month?” As illustrated in the previous example, kids text about everything. They fall in love, break up, announce they are bored, share their social calendars, and declare every thought that comes into their impulsive brains. It has become the preferred form of communication for many, even when sitting right next to the person they are texting.

Here is a scary statistic: it is estimated that one-fourth of all texts by teens are sent during school hours.
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This means not only are students missing educational experiences at school because they are distracted with texting, but they are also doing it in a place where they can easily speak with their friends rather than text. They don't want to wait until a break or between classes to talk to their friends—they need to communicate an idea or comment immediately. The immediacy of texting is also the reason why it's common to use acronyms and make up short versions of words (e.g., GTG means “got to go”). There were once good reasons to abbreviate in text messages, when text entry was difficult, requiring multiple key presses on a small key pad to generate letters, and messages were limited to 160 characters. But now, with full keyboard and auto-fill options, teens do it because typing the words out all the way simply takes too long. For many reasons, texting meets the needs for instant gratification to which this generation has fallen prey.

There are some definite benefits that come with the ease of getting a simple message to someone. On the other hand, there are several drawbacks to this form of communication.

The Missed Social Cues in a Text Conversation

Interacting with someone and being able to communicate a thought or idea effectively is an essential skill for a developing teen. In fact, in
chapter 6
, we pointed out that it is one of the skills that teachers reported was most indicative of a successful student. Communicating clearly promotes positive peer, teacher, employer, and parental relationships.

Texting qualifies as communicating. So what's the big deal? It's important to remember that words aren't the only way we communicate with each other. We use and interpret body language, facial expressions, gestures, and posture, as well as tone, pitch, rate, and volume of speech. Every time kids get together, face-to-face, they get to practice the art of communication. Just as we believe that practicing baseball makes you a better baseball player, so too holds the notion that practicing communication makes you a better communicator.

When you talk to someone on the phone, you are still able to use many communication skills. You hear not only the words but also speech patterns and fluency. You will be able to pick up on someone's anger, hesitation, praise, sarcasm, confidence, and flirtations on a phone call. When we speak to someone face-to-face, we can also read or gauge their facial reactions. If you make a comment and people roll their eyes, look angry, or walk away, you get instant nonverbal feedback that your comments weren't well received. Even moderately astute communicators take this as a sign not to continue down that path or topic. The opportunity for nonverbal feedback simply doesn't exist in text messages, or emails for that matter. With a text, it is often difficult—if not impossible—to discern the sender's tone or mood. The consequence is that the author of the text may continue down a line of humor or write something that is considered insulting much longer than if he was looking at the person. This strains relationships and creates undue drama. This form of communicating is minimal at best because it does nothing to develop life skills. Think back to the teenagers who are texting ten thousand times a month. That is a lot of minimalist interacting. There are a multitude of missed opportunities when you send hundreds of text messages a day, every day.

Most people make statements based on who their audience is. When we talk to people, we can see the audience and make judgments about what kind of communication is appropriate. The language we use, content, context, and level of offensive remarks are usually in tune with the audience. You probably wouldn't say something negative about a girl you dated if her older brother was within earshot. When a text is sent, the assumption is that it will only be read by the intended recipient. However, teens commonly share texts with others, resulting in it being read by an audience. When kids send hundreds of texts a day, rather than speaking directly to people, they simply are not practicing the skill of reading the crowd and responding accordingly.

Text Messages Can Be Easily Misunderstood

Girl:
Can u tell ur friend not to come 2nite?

Boyfriend:
idk

Girl:
I just want to see u

(No response)

Girl:
r u mad at me?

Boyfriend
: no

Girl:
r u sure?

There was no response for several hours, despite the girl's many attempts to text him. She came to my office in a panic, wondering if he still liked her or if he was going to break up with her. An hour later, she texted him that he could bring his friend if he wanted and she was sorry. Finally, he texted her and wrote, “chill, what's wrong?” It turned out he went out to dinner with his parents and didn't know she was texting him. She made many assumptions based on his lack of response, all of which were incorrect. When I asked why she didn't call him, she said, “That would be awkward.”

—Dr. Darlene

Texting is a cultural phenomenon in our electronic age. Smartphones make it so easy to do that teens often send texts without thinking about it. One study even suggests that texting is so easy that 47 percent of the teens surveyed can do it with their eyes closed.
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That makes the act of text messaging very vulnerable to the impulsive nature of teenagers.

As therapists, we have seen over and over how texting can cause conflicts between teens because full conversations are occurring through text messages. This is wrought with risks of misinterpretations, impulsive responses, and more brazen comments than if the conversation was happening in person. It may begin as a seemingly innocent conversation, and then one comment gets misinterpreted. Instead of clarifying the comment, the other person impulsively reacts with a snarky response. Because neither person is seeing the facial reactions (which may include hurt, anger, embarrassment, or sadness), they are bolder and less thoughtful with their response, which, in turn, results in another strong reaction, and emotions can escalate based on misunderstandings. Seemingly innocent comments can turn into conflicts and hurt feelings.

The Final Word on Smartphones

A common conflict that parents face regarding technology is “When do I get my child his or her first cell phone?” The decision of when to get a cell phone and what kind needs to be a family decision, and parents should be encouraged to involve their children in the process. There is a lot of support for parents going through this process. Reliable sources such as ABC News,
USA Today
, and the
Guardian
provide great ideas on how to pick a phone and service plan based on a family's needs and the age of the child.
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They include discussions about Android phones versus the iPhone; MP3, video chat, and Internet capabilities; and most importantly, phones that enable parents to keep tabs on a child's activity, data usage, and location. Additionally, most of the cellular phone companies offer support for parents based on these same principles.

Once a phone is purchased, the family should have rules in place regarding the phone that are consistent with the values they already hold. When used responsibly, the cell phone or smartphone can be a great addition to the family and enhance communication, thinking, and problem solving rather than reduce those actions.