Tangled Thoughts (22 page)

“Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. How's your head?” She sat on the bed, handing me the water and shaking out one of the migraine pills I rarely took anymore. “I'm
terrible
at surprises. It must have been so emotional to see Jillian again. Are you catching up?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't before Jill piped up, “We are, Ms. Espinosa. It's nice to be able to talk about things with someone who knows me. Feels like we're sisters already.” Jill beamed and I sipped the water to keep from grimacing.

My aunt beamed right back. “I'm so glad. And Jillian, please, you know it's just Tessa.”

“Why don't we give them a little longer together, Tess?” Dan suggested. “Lainey could probably use a few more minutes of rest.” Over my aunt's shoulder he smiled at me, falsely benevolent. I didn't know if Jill was playing his game or her own. Maybe they were one in the same.

I opened my mouth then, finally ready to scream in frustration that they were all liars, that this whole
thing
was a lie. Not for the first time I wondered
why
I was still keeping the secrets. But the simple answer came to me immediately: Carter. Always Carter. My fingers ached from how hard I was clutching his necklace. I hadn't been brave enough to fight for him, but I loved him too much to hurt him further. Hadn't I sacrificed him to the wolves, to ignorant bliss, to save my own skin? And would I do it again?

I slapped on a smile, or the approximation of one. “I'd like that,” I said and my aunt nodded.

“Of course, girls. Join us whenever you're ready.” Aunt Tessa patted my hair and backed out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

Ever-shrewd Jill locked eyes with me. If one's expression could be smug sadness, that was hers. “It's pretty,” she said, tilting her head at my chest, where Carter's necklace rested. “Looks expensive. Did he give it to you?”

I nodded, fingering the diamond again. After a second, I said, “Does he know?” For some foolish reason, I couldn't say his name.

She shrugged. “I doubt it. Father didn't tell me, you know. I guessed. If your aunt keeps blabbing about how much Father looks like
your
father, everyone else will too. You should tell her to quit it. But I don't think he wants Carter to know. He doesn't want him to think about
you
at all.”

Ouch. I closed my eyes for a long blink. “If that's true,” I said, opening them again, “then why start an affair with my aunt?”

Jill shrugged again, a delicate lift of her tiny shoulders. “I think he might kind of love her? It's hard to say. Or
maybe
”—she leaned forward—“he just wanted to give
you
one more reason to join us.”

“You mean the Perceptum?”

“Obviously.”

“I'll never do it,” I told her. “He knows that. It was our deal.”

Jill laughed. “Well then maybe
I'm
not the crazy one.”

Automatically, I wanted to say
you're not crazy
, but she
was
. At least she recognized that now. “That's not funny,” I said.

She watched me for a few seconds. “You know, I don't hate you anymore.” I must have looked skeptical because she repeated, “I don't. And I'm sorry. I need to say that. I am sorry for what I did. It was wrong and I am sorry.” She said the words like a recitation she'd been
forced to memorize. I had a feeling she
wasn't
entirely sorry, but she did know it was wrong.

“Okay,” I told her, because there didn't seem to be any other answer.

Jill nodded, as if she'd checked an assignment off her list. “I'm almost glad we're going to be sisters,” she went on. “I meant what I said earlier, about it being nice not having to pretend. I'm
good
at pretending, but it's nice to have a break, you know?” She looked at me with these big, open eyes, like she was really asking that question and hoping I'd say yes.

Because she was right, I realized. I
did
know. And this was why I couldn't make myself leave the room.

“I do,” I murmured. I really, really did.

“Isn't that funny too?” She stood, pacing the small end of the room. It reminded me of Carter, and I wanted to look away. “You took
everything
from me,” she said, stopping for a brief second to fix her gaze on me. “But I don't hate you anymore, because you
understand
. You've lost everything now too, haven't you? You
gave it up
.”

I closed my eyes, Jill's words piercing me again. If we'd been in a fight, I'd have said she was winning, but we'd both already
lost
. So much. This wasn't something either of us could win. And as weird as it was, it felt
good
to hear her say painful things and
acknowledge
them. How could you move on if you kept everything locked inside?

Finally, I said, “I had no choice.”

“Ha!” she laughed, once, hard, and it made me jump. I met her eyes again. “You had a choice. You made one. If there's one thing crazy class has taught me, it's that.”

“Do you
really
know what my options were?” I couldn't tell if she was guessing again. Or maybe Dan liked having someone he didn't have to pretend with either.

Jill sat again, hesitating. “I know enough,” she said, “and I know my father. And I also know, for you, it would be
so easy
to get it all back.” Then she added, “So maybe I do still hate you a little.”

“How would I get
anything
back?”

“Duh! What have we been talking about this whole time? All you have to do is what you were
born for
.”

“You mean killing people.”

“
Bad
people.” She leered at me. “First time's the hardest, and you've already gotten it out of the way.”

I cringed. “That was different! You tried to
kill
me. It was self-defense!”

Jill came to sit on the end of the bed, leaning toward me. “Self-defense? What about all the poor,
defenseless
people being hurt by malicious Thought users?
You're
their defense.”

I pulled my knees up in front of me and shook my head. “But I'd still have to kill them, and I—I can't do that. It's not right.”

“But they all know what they're doing is
wrong
. They
all
get warned; they all get a
choice
. Besides, do you really think most of them would fear death if they saw it was
you
?” She shook her head. “Yeah, I do still kind of hate you. I'm sorry, cousin. I'll work on that.”

“It doesn't matter what I
look
like,” I told her. “I'd still be a monster.”

“No,” she said. “You'd be an avenging angel. It's quick, and it doesn't hurt.” She wiggled her fingers in my direction. “
I
know. Life in prison has to be worse. I kind of know that, too.”

“Then maybe,” I added carefully, “
that's
what they deserve.”

Jill smiled. “So. What's more monstrous then?” I opened my mouth and closed it while I could feel whatever color was there drain from my face. Was she right, or more right than I was? Why was this so
complex
? Shouldn't murder automatically equal the wrong choice?
“And anyway,” she went on, “these people don't
go
to prison, or don't
stay
there. Don't you listen to
anything
?”

“I—I just can't.” Jill started to say something and I amended, “I
won't
. Your father knows this. And I'm keeping my end of our bargain.”

Jill sighed. “This is what you were
born
for,” she repeated. “You're the
last
one. Did you
really
think Father was just going to let you
walk away
? For
good
?”

A puff of air escaped me. I had thought that. That had been our bargain, hadn't it? That I'd give him Carter and keep his secrets and he'd let me go. But no, I realized now, too late. He'd let me
live
, not let me
go
. That wasn't the same thing at all. Brain seething, I slid off the bed and moved to the door. “It's time for dinner,” I said. “Let's go.”

“You know, Lainey,” Jill said softly before I stepped into the hall. I paused with my hand on the doorknob. “Killing isn't the
only
way. If you really wanted to torture someone, you could just do to them what you did to me.”

B
Y THE
TIME
I returned to my dorm on the Monday after Thanksgiving, the news had broken.

“Lainey!” all of my roommates practically screamed before I'd even closed the door. The strangest part was they were all home. Nat ran over and dragged me toward the futon where they were huddled around Ginny's laptop, because hers was the biggest. Three sets of wide eyes alternately stared at me or the screen.

“Your mom was on TV,” Kendra said. There was awe in her voice, more than usual. She'd had a little crush on my aunt since the beginning because she was a successful artist. It's amazing, and sad, how many kids who want to
be
artists have never met one who makes a living at it.

“Your mom is having the future president's
baby
,” Ginny clarified.

“Why didn't you
tell
us?!” Kendra added. “Actually, why weren't you, like,
there
?”

“I was already on my way back here when they planned the press conference.” It wasn't exactly the truth, but close enough for them. Speculation had broken over the weekend, when pictures of Dan leaving dinner, hastily snapped by one of Auntie's curious neighbors, had surfaced and spread. The only control
I
had was asking to be left
out
of the media circus. But I couldn't avoid the people I lived with, or the news, forever. It was finally time to watch.

Auntie looked good, of course. Happy and beautiful and not nervous at all, even while the cameras in the room flashed every few seconds. She wore a flowing kind of top that might have been labeled “
For telling the world you're pregnant!
” at the store. She was talking about me, saying, “Yes, my daughter's excited too. She had classes today; her education comes first, as well as her privacy.”

“She's a remarkable young woman,” Dan added. “I'd be lucky to call her family,” he said, and I wanted to be sick. He was a natural at speaking to the camera, and it felt like he was looking right at me. Mocking me. I half expected him to wink.

A reporter asked a question the microphones didn't pick up, and Kendra giggled. “Here comes my favorite part.”

“
I'm sorry, what was that
?” I heard him first, before the camera had zoomed all the way out to show the rest of the ‘family' at the press conference, standing behind my aunt and Senator Astor. My heart flew into my throat, and I had to swallow to keep it from escaping.

There he was. Carter. Standing next to Jill, wearing a neat blue button down—God he looked good in blue—and a smile. My neck burned as my fingers pulled on my necklace, too hard.

“
Do you know if it's a boy or girl? Have they told you?
”

Kendra giggled again. “The senator's son is super hot.”

“Nephew,” I whispered, but my eyes were glued to the TV.

“
No
,” he said, shaking his head, the smile never wavering. “
I don't know. Not yet
.”

“
Do you have a preference?
”

Carter laughed. “
I hope it's a boy, just because I know
nothing
about girls
.”

Everyone
laughed, my aunt, the reporters, my roommates, even though they'd already seen this who knew how many times. Dan looked over a shoulder with a fond and charming smile that made me want to throw up all over again. I'd seen that smile so many times on the boy he was looking at. Carter had learned it from him.

“I bet that is
not
true,” Kendra pronounced and Ginny laughed.

Nat was still glancing between me and the TV, suspecting. “Do you know him, too?”

The reporters had moved on to Jill, asking her how she was feeling, if she was excited, and I couldn't watch anymore. “Excuse me.”

I picked up my bag and walked away, shutting the door to our room behind me. I could hear them whispering outside but Nat didn't follow. I flopped on my bed and put my arm over my eyes.

Carter hated it, being on TV. Despite his winning smile, I could tell in the stiffness of his shoulders and the way he kept lifting his hand like he was ready to run it through his hair. Probably Dan even knew he hated it, but he wanted him to be there. Of course he did. Carter was brilliant and beautiful. The camera loved his face. So did I.

And Jill. Jill Jill Jill. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since I left Baltimore. Worse somehow was seeing her there on TV, standing next to Carter, looking healthy and normal and
happy
. How was it fair that
she
got to be happy, got to stand next to Carter, and I didn't?

Frustration brimming, I got up and rooted around the perpetual mess of my desk until I found the card I'd bought with the smiling snowman in his ridiculous beach-wear. Before I knew it, I had a pen in
my hand and was filling it out, sealing the envelope, and carefully writing out the address Carter had given me before he gave up contacting me at all.

Dan didn't want him to even
think
of me? Well, he couldn't be with him twenty-four hours a day, controlling his thoughts. He couldn't stop me from sending this card.

I'd spent almost an entire year contemplating my mortality. Not just contemplating it, but
facing
it. I'd almost been
murdered
.
Twice
. Both times, I'd averted it by doing something horrible. And I knew I'd do it all again, because what would be stupider than dying just for defiance? I might not have exactly the life I wanted, but I had most of it. At least I had it at all. I had my thoughts, and they were the one thing Daniel Astor couldn't take from me.