Take My Hand (26 page)

**********

Sarah and I chatted into the small hours. I tried calling Dexter several
times but was sent straight to voicemail. I ached to see him – to hold
him, to cry with him… I didn’t know where he was, when he was coming back or what
state he’d be in if he did come back. My thoughts flitted back and forth
between wanting to slap him and wanting to squeeze him so tightly he wouldn’t
be able to breathe.

The jury was still out on that one, when he staggered through the front
door at 3:30 AM.

“Dexter!” I intended to yell but it came as a hoarse whimper as I rushed
over to him with my arms open. But then he stumbled and fell into the little
brown table by the front door, laughing as he hit the ground with an almighty
thud.

His hair was a tangled mess – his clothes damp with sweat and what
looked like spilled alcohol stains. His eyes were half-closed and the little
you could see of them were red and swollen. And he stank. Even from across the
room the stench of vomit and stale whiskey burnt my sinuses.

He was drunk. Actually sod drunk… he was utterly obliterated –
even more so than the night of his little ‘party for four’ the day before I
opened up to him about my sister. At least I
hoped
he was drunk. Would I know if he’d taken anything? Probably
not.

 
“You stupid boy,” Sarah
blasted, brushing past me to get to Dexter who was now lay flat on his back and
smiling at the ceiling. She was admonishing him, yet at the same time her voice
was saturated with concern. “Come on. Up,” she ordered, bending down and
tugging at his arm.

“Make me,” he spat like a twelve year old. I was both heartbroken and
disgusted at the same time. I knew this wasn’t the real Dexter, but the lack of
respect he was showing this amazing woman bending down to help him made me so
angry.

“Dexter, come on. Stand up…
please
.”
I practically begged, keeping my distance across the room. His eyes glossed
over me briefly, and then returned to the ceiling.

“You still here?” he muttered, sounding amused. “Glutton for um…
whatsitmicalled… punished… punishment that’s it,” he rambled.

“Suit yourself,” Sarah breathed in defeat. Turning to me, she added,
“You can’t help him when he’s like this. He needs to sober up first.” I nodded feebly,
feeling out of my depth. Then Sarah strode past me and towards the armchair,
grabbing the fleecy throw from the back of it and draping it over Dexter’s
fully clothed body. “When this wears off,” she scolded in Dexter’s direction,
“remember you’ve got a mom and a good woman right here who need you,” she said,
pointing to me. “And whether that dumb head of yours wants to admit it or not,
you need them too. So get your shit together, ‘cause we’ve got a lotta crap
coming our way in the next few days and I don’t need you adding to it.”

Was this what they called ‘tough love’? I wondered idly. Drunk or not, I
still longed to wrap myself around him and never let him go… but Sarah was the
one who’d dealt with him in this state God knows how many times before, so for
tonight, I followed her judgement and left Dexter alone to sleep it off.

Dexter

Ah
fuck.

The
second I pried my swollen eyes open and noticed that I was lying on the living
room floor I was forced to remember what happened last night. Emily. She was
still here. I remembered crawling in the house at God knows what hour and
mocking her like she meant nothing to me.

She
means
everything
to me.

“DAMMIT!”
I yelled out loud, punching the wall beside me after scrambling into a sitting
position. Why can’t I stop hurting the people I love? Why am I too fucking weak
to protect them?

“Ah,
you’re awake then?” Aunt Sarah said chirpily as if nothing had happened when
she strolled into the living with two steaming mugs.

“Is
she still here?” was the most pressing thought on my mind. I rose gingerly to
my feet and made my way over to the couch, eagerly taking hold of the strong black
coffee.

“She’s
getting dressed upstairs.”

“Does
she know?”

“Yes.
She knows everything. And just as I suspected – she’s got no plans to run
away. I like her, Dex. She’s an incredible young woman.” She didn’t need to
tell
me
that.

“I
know,” I agreed regretfully. “But I’m already hurting her. What chance of a future
do we have if I can’t stop letting her down?”

“Dexter,
I love you,” Aunt Sarah began, “which is why I can be honest with you when I
say you behaved like a completely insensitive moron last night.”

“Jeez,
don’t hold back, sweet cheeks.”

“I
don’t intend to,” she replied firmly. I could always count on Aunt Sarah to be
honest with me, and most of the time that’s exactly what I need. “As for
drinking yourself into a stupor… you know you can’t do that anymore, Dex. You
can’t use alcohol as an outlet for your frustrations like others might. Do you
want to be back there? Do you want it to
own
you again?”

“No,” I stated
solemnly. “I don’t even know why I did it. I’m sorry.”

“You did it
because you’re hurting. You did it because you didn’t want to face what was
happening. But you
have
to face this,
honey. You have to accept what’s happening to your mom and you have to accept
that Emily loves you with all her heart. She adores you, Dexter - whether you
think you deserve that from her or not. You said you don’t want to hurt her?
Then stop pushing her away.”

“I’ll try,” I
said, nodding slowly.

“Dexter?”
Emily’s timid voice danced into my ears before making its way to my chest and
shoving my heart down into the pit of my stomach. She walked towards me slowly,
cautiously. “Are you okay?” she asked nervously.

“Emily I’m so
fucking sorry,” I mumbled guiltily, tucking my hands into my pockets after standing
up to meet her – unsure whether she would allow me to touch her or not. But
that decision was immediately taken out of my hands when she threw herself on
to me, hooking her legs around my hips and her arms around my neck. “I’m so
sorry,” I reiterated, catching her with one hand under her thighs and one caressing
the soft red hair flowing down her back.

“How could you
just leave me here like that?” She forced my arms off her while she jumped down
and yelled at me. I deserved her anger, so I let her continue. “I was so bloody
scared. I didn’t know what was happening or who the people were you left me
with. I’m so mad with you!” I parted my lips to speak but it soon became clear
she hadn’t finished so after taking in a sharp breath, I closed them again. “And
why would you go out drinking when you know the crap it’s caused you in the
past? You can’t
do
this, Dexter! When
you go off like that it’s not just yourself you’re hurting, it’s everyone you
leave behind too.”

“I’m sorry.”
What else could I say? No amount of words would undo last night’s behavior.

“I think you
two need some time alone,” Aunt Sarah interjected. “Why don’t you take Emily
out somewhere, Dex?” How come Aunt Sarah always seems to know what’s best for
me? I swear it’s like she’s got magical powers of something.

“Will you go
with me?” I asked Emily – half expecting her to say no.

“Of course I
will,” she snapped, appearing offended.

“What about
Mom? How is she today?” I needed to know before I left. I needed to know I had
time
to leave. Just then I imagined how
I would’ve felt if she’d passed away while I was gone last night. I’ve been
such a selfish bastard.

“She’s the
same. Don’t worry, I’ll sit in with her and call you if anything changes. I’ll
go and fill her in on what an idiot you’ve been.” Her tone was light and
teasing, but still I knew damn well she had every intention of doing just that.
She tells my mom everything. Some days she sits up there for hours talking away
and getting no response.

I never know
what to say so I tend to just sing or read to her. I know she can hear me
though, because when anyone else is near she gets agitated – she mumbles
and fidgets and her breathing accelerates. But when it’s just me or Aunt Sarah,
she calms down instantly. Her breathing slows, her body relaxes… and sometimes
she closes her eyes like she’s concentrating on enjoying the sound of our
voice. It makes me wonder if she can still
think
even though she can’t articulate those thoughts. It scares the shit out of
me. What does she think of me? Has she forgiven me? Not just for
that
day but everything I’ve put people
through since.

“I’ll um… just
go get changed,” I said uncertainly, feeling nervous as fuck about the
conversation I would soon be having with the latest person I’d let down. Emily
nodded and Aunt Sarah flashed her a knowing smile. They’d clearly bonded in my
absence, and as I made my way upstairs to change, I strove to work out how the
hell I still had these two amazing women in my life.

**********

There’s
a park not far from the house. The green landscape stretches for what looks
like miles when you’re standing at one end of it. I used to go here a lot as a
kid – when I was running away from the screams that petrified the shit
out of me. I would sit beneath the circle of trees overlooking the duck pond
where nobody could find me – not that they ever looked.

This
is where I brought Emily.

“Emily
I don’t know why you’re still here… but I’m glad your are,” was my opening line
when we sat down on the familiar patch of grass. I lay my jacket out for her to
sit on, protecting her jeans from the damp morning frost.

“I’m
here because I love you, you idiot.”

“I
love you too. You know that right? I just… don’t always know how to handle that
fact.”

“It’s
easy. All you have to do is talk to me. Start believing that I’m staying put,
and trust me enough to be honest. That’s all I want from you, Dex. I don’t need
anything else.”

“You
say that now…”

“Dexter,
choosing between living with or without you is the equivalent choosing between
daylight and oxygen. Although living in darkness would be difficult, living
without oxygen would be impossible.
You
are
my oxygen. I really need you to believe that.”

“I’ll
try, doll. I swear I will. I want so badly to make you happy. I just don’t know
if I can. I’ve spent my whole life letting people down – my mom, Aunt
Sarah, and now you.” I sighed heavily – overcome with so many
soul-destroying emotions I had to fight so hard to stay where I was. Running
was so tempting… but one look at Emily’s porcelain face crumpled with concern
for me was enough to bring me to my senses.

This
time…

“That’s
not true,” Emily argued. “What happened to your mom was an accident, Dex. You
were just a kid.”

“You
don’t get it, doll. Why can’t anyone see it? I let my mom down way before that
day. I could’ve stopped it before it got to that point… if I’d just told
somebody. If I’d man’d up and got her help, got that bastard locked away… it
never would’ve happened.”

“You
were just a boy, Dexter. You told me I wasn’t responsible for Livvie’s death
because I was just a kid. But the reality is
I
could’ve gotten help too before it was too late. It’s weird
because I’ve spent my whole life blaming myself too, but hearing your story?
It’s made me realize that you can’t put that kind of culpability on a child.
Children are innocent.
We
were
innocent. I think it’s about time we
both
started forgiving ourselves.”

“That’s
not the same. I’ve carried on ruining people well into adulthood. I was old
enough to know what I was doing when I pulled that trigger and I was old enough
to know what I was doing was wrong when I snorted my first line. And…did Aunt
Sarah tell you she was engaged to be married before…
it
happened?”

“No,”
Emily answered, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them.

“Well
she was. And she was so happy too. His name was Brian. He was a good enough guy
I suppose. Didn’t really know him that well. He stayed with us for a few months
after we brought my mom home from the hospital, but the cracks started to show
after just a few weeks. It was so hard for Aunt Sarah. She was a full time caregiver
to a sister who couldn’t do a single thing for herself. She had to give up work
to take care of her, leaving her with thousands of dollars worth of unpaid
medical bills. And then she had me – her selfish fucking nephew who was
too busy getting high and feeling sorry for himself to help her out.

“Brian
tried. He really did. But… Aunt Sarah just didn’t have the time to dedicate to
him anymore. She was too busy struggling to clean up after my mistakes. So, she
lost him. Because of me. Don’t you see, doll? I destroy people. I’m selfish
– even when I try so hard not to be. When the going gets tough I freak
out - I run… I forget about everyone else. Every time I think I’ve got a handle
on my shit, I always end up losing it again. I can’t promise you what happened
last night won’t happen again, doll… because the chances are, it will. I can’t
guarantee you the stable future you deserve.”

“I
don’t want stable. I just want you. And the only thing I want you to promise
me, is that you’ll stop shutting me out. I mean it, Dexter. I need you to trust
me. I love you –
all
of you. I
know what I’m getting into despite what you think. I know it’s not always going
to be easy and at some point we’ll both probably screw up. And maybe you will
run again, but if you believe I’ll always be here waiting for you on the other
side, well maybe you’ll come back a little sooner.”

“You
fucking amaze me you know that?” I asked, because she absolutely did. Every
single hour of every single day. Taking Emily’s face in my hands I rested my
forehead against hers. “I’m gonna try, doll. I swear to God I’m gonna try so
fucking hard to make you happy.”

“That’s
all I want from you,” she whispered against my lips – her warm, sweet
breath rousing my senses. Unable to resist her intoxicating scent I brushed my
tongue over lips, silently begging for entry. She parted them willingly, taking
my tongue into her mouth and kissing me hungrily.

“I’ve
missed you,” she murmured into my mouth. “Although you’ve physically been here,
it feels like you’ve been somewhere else for a while now. I’m just so happy to
have you back.” Fuck. I’d been hurting her without even realizing it.

No.

I
wouldn’t go there. I wouldn’t let my thoughts travel down that path. I promised
I’d try. And I will.

“Time
for
your
promise,” I said. She cocked
a dubious eyebrow. “I need you to promise me that whatever the future brings,
don’t
ever
forget that I love you.
Don’t ever believe even for a second that I could
stop
loving you. Because I tried that once, doll… and it’s
impossible.”

“I’ll
try too.” Guess I couldn’t ask for more than that.

“You’re
freezing, doll,” I noted, pressing my cheek against hers. “Let’s get you back.”
Nodding in agreement, Emily stood up first and held her hand out for me to
take. Feeling lighter than I’d felt in years, I rose lithely to my feet and
walked her back to the house.