Tainted Pictures (3 page)

           “Okay, well I mean you don’t need to explain anything to me.  It’s whatever you want, Kate.  I know that I have a lot of ground to make up.”  He sat down on the couch and looked up at her.  She shuffled her feet uncomfortably and looked down at him.  She crossed her arms, in an attempt to hug herself, and sighed.

           “Derrick, you left!” She blurted it out.  

           The moment she did, she wanted to grab the words and stuff them back into her mouth, swallow them down and never let them see the light of day.  But there they were.  Hanging between her and Derrick like a foul odor, contaminating the room.  Derrick’s face looked surprised but then immediately twisted in pain.  He tried to hide it by nodding and taking a deep breath, but she saw the raw emotions flash over him as her words stabbed his heart.

           “I left.”  He agreed after a few moments of silence went by.  

           He just kept nodding his head as she swallowed his words.  Her eyebrows furrowed and she walked towards him, reaching out to touch his face.  He was looking down at the ground and leaned into her hands, as she cupped his face.  She gently pulled him to look up at her as she knelt down in front of him.  

           “Derrick, I love you so much.  But you left.  I was sitting in that hospital bed and all I could think about was you being there.  I clung to that thought and was so relieved to see you when you walked in.  But then you found out what happened to me and you ran out of there faster than if I had told you that you were on fire.  I needed you and you knew that I needed you, but you left anyways.  

           Days went by.  So many damn days, Derrick.  Then last night you show up and you give me this heartbreaking speech and I believe it, I believe every word.  I swear to you that I do, but that doesn't erase the lonely nights crying myself to sleep alone.”  Kate started opening up and just couldn’t stop.  

           Everything that she had been thinking just flooded out and she handed it over to him to fix.  He was looking deep in her eyes, absorbing what she was saying. But he already knew everything that she was saying because he had been torturing himself with his faults for the last two weeks since her attack all on his own.  He knew how badly he had let her down.  

           When Derrick got that first phone call from Annie, Kate’s sister, that Kate was in the hospital, he had dropped everything midday and rushed to see her.  He had been angry previously, thinking that she had stood him up on their lunch date the day before, but when he found out the truth of where she was, he felt guilty for ever having doubted her.  He practically ran into her hospital room but then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.  

           He barely recognized her.  

           Kate had bruises and cuts riddled across her face, arms, and her chest.  That was only the part that he could see, he had no idea how bad it really was.  Annie had just said in her message that Kate had gotten hurt, she had not given any specifics at all so he had no idea what to expect.  He had assumed she had been in a car accident or something like that, it just seemed like the more common scenario.  He had felt nothing but compassion when he thought that but then when he saw that piece of paper on her side table, it completely shifted everything.    

           Rape kit.

           He couldn’t even figure out what he was looking at.  He saw the words, he knew what the words meant, and he knew what the words implied, but somehow the full picture still eluded him.  His mind had gone cloudy and confused and he had no idea how to respond.  He was uncomfortable, he was selfish.  He knew all of these things.  He had seen those words and awkwardly bailed from the room as soon as he was able to blurt out some lame excuse that he couldn’t even remember now.  

           All he had done was just look at the words on a piece of paper and had panicked, he couldn’t imagine how much exponentially worse it was for Kate to actually experience it.  Rape kits were so invasive and often traumatizing the victim all over again, scouring every inch of the bruised skin for a clue inside and out.  Photographs of every angle, every mark, every place that she would rather keep hidden.  If they were going to ever catch her rapist, they needed that evidence but it didn’t make the experience any easier. And all he had done was read two words and run.  

           So, she was right.  He had left her.  He had left her alone in a hospital room and didn’t return.  Many days went by before he finally pushed his selfishness aside and came back to her apartment and begged forgiveness..  The worst part is that he couldn’t even really explain why or what he had been so afraid of, why he had abandoned the woman that he loved.

           “Kate, I am sorry.  I was an ass and I know it, but I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know what to say that can make it better because there is nothing to say except that I am so sorry.”  Derrick hung his head, ashamed of himself.  Kate was still kneeling in front of him and she could feel his pain seeping out of him.  She was the one who should be comforted but here she was, consoling Derrick instead.  She reached up and held his cheek in her hand, tilting her head to look him in the eyes.  

           “I don’t know the answer either, Derrick.  I’m just as clueless but I know how I feel and I feel broken.  I feel as if what we have is broken, Derrick.  I needed you and you weren’t there for me.  I love you but this,” Kate motioned between the two of them, “isn’t what we used to be.”  

           “Kate, I love you too but this isn’t broken.  What he have, that spark, the connection- it’s all still there.  Maybe two people can be broken on their own, but together they heal each other, they are whole.  Kate, I am broken without you in my life.” Derrick jumped in, trying to stop her from continuing and saying something worse.  

           He pulled her up onto the couch on his lap, where she was sitting next to him but her legs were draped over his lap.  She leaned her head against his shoulder and tilted her head to look up at him.  He turned to look down at her and smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.  His eyes were sad and misty, she knew he was sorry.  But it didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t trust him.  Could she?

           “Derrick, I love you but the trust is gone.  What’s a relationship without trust?”  Kate whispered to him, trying to keep from starting crying as she pressed tighter against him.  She felt comforted by his arm around her back and his heart beating near her ear as she leaned against him.  

           “Kate, I know you can’t trust me but give me a chance to prove it to you.  Give me a chance to be the man you thought I was.”  Derrick whispered back quietly, brushing the hair off of her face.  Kate looked up at him, wondering if she could believe that.  She wanted to believe it so badly, he loved her and she knew that but there was something nagging at the back of her mind- some anxiety that wouldn’t loosen it’s hold on her.  

           “I know, Derrick.” She whispered after a moment of silence, looking down at her hands fidgeting.  She didn’t have an answer for him, at least not the one he wanted.  She wasn’t even sure that she had an answer for herself at this point.  The situation was foreign to them both and there was no mapped out route for how to proceed.  She glanced back up at him, studying his eyes.  They still were misted over and dark, like a storm was raging inside him.  

           He glanced down at her, still curled up in his lap and saw that she was watching him.  He tried to put on a smile but it looked more like he was wincing in pain.  Kate reached up and caressed his cheek with her hand.  The warm touch of her soft skin felt like heaven and Derrick couldn’t stop himself from closing his eyes and leaning his face into her palm, allowing her to hold him.  She slipped her hand downwards slowly, moving across his skin to graze his neck and come to a rest behind his shoulder.  

           “Kate?”  He spoke softly to her.  She glanced up at him waiting for him to finish his thought.  His eyes darted down to her lips and then back up to stare deeply into her gaze.  He looked conflicted and heartbroken, but mostly he looked frightened as if he thought she would leave.  Ironic that he would be so afraid of the same pain he had already inflicted upon her.  

           “I would really like to kiss you.”  He didn’t ask, he didn’t beg, he didn’t command- he just stated.  

           He was still and made no movement to close the small distance between them.  Kate felt a warmth spread throughout her, wrapping around her heart but then working to points further south.  It never failed to amaze her that he had the ability to shatter every wall she attempted to build around herself.  A few words and that beautiful smile and she was his to do with as he pleased.  

           She leaned forward and tilted her head upwards slightly, hesitating slightly before their lips met.  She remembered the passion that had almost overcome them a few moments before and was afraid of that happening again.  She didn’t know if she was strong enough to say no twice.  Not to this man, not to those lips, and not to his intoxicating eyes.  He looked deep into her and then removed any space between them, pressing his lips firmly against hers.  

           Just a moment ago, they were fighting and tears were threatening to spill and now they were locked in an intoxicating embrace.  Derrick always knew the right things to say to her.  It wasn’t that he knew what she needed to hear so he parroted it back to her in hopes of gaining her forgiveness, it was a genuine sorrow and apologetic spirit that hung from his every word.  He loved her and he was little by little attempting to prove himself to her again after everything that had happened.  In just a few minutes, it was already working.  Kate was hooked on his warmth and the taste of his tongue against hers just as quickly as when they had first met.  Their chemistry was something that nothing could alter.  

           His hand slipped around her back and pulled her tighter to him as his fingers twirled through her loose hair.  She couldn’t stop herself from allowing her tongue to dart out and quickly taste him and he eagerly returned the gesture.  She leaned further into him, her leg reaching across his so that she was straddling his lap.  Her arms wrapped around the back of his neck, closing all distance and melding their bodies together.  

           Just as quickly as it started, it ended.  Derrick gave her a deep, succulent kiss and then grabbed her hips and lifted her straight off of him.  He dropped her onto the couch next to him and stood up, smoothing out his pants and attempting to adjust himself.  Kate grinned up at him, feeling devilish at how strongly her body was able to affect him but also feeling proud that he had loved her enough to stop her.  

           “Jeez, Kate.  I swear you are going to be the death of me someday.”  Derrick turned around and looked at her.  He leaned down and gave her a fast peck on the top of her head and then walked into the kitchen in search of a late night snack in an attempt to feed a hunger food wouldn’t quench.   

~~~~

           Many hours later, Kate woke up with a start.  She thought that she heard a noise in the apartment and she sat up so suddenly that she knocked her cat, Boo, off the bed accidentally.  Boo was an older, fat cat that she had rescued many years ago and had brought her great comfort, especially in the last two weeks with all the commotion she had experienced.  Kate looked around her room, but didn’t see anything unusual.  Every shadow looked scary to her but she reminded herself that she had put locks on every single door and window, she was safe.

           The bed shifted and she jumped again, looking over to realize that Derrick was in bed next to her.  She had known he was there but somehow in her groggy state, she had forgotten.  He had spent the night to just cuddle and hold her which she absolutely loved.  Kate was sitting up in the bed staring at him and couldn’t help but let her mind wander.  He was sleeping soundly, looking very peaceful, as his head lay turned to the side on his pillow.  She loved that he wasn’t pushing her to go faster or do anything she wasn’t ready for, even though she could see that look of desire in his eyes every time he looked at her.

           The blanket came midway up his waist, still showing most of his chiseled abs and superior chest muscles.  His broad shoulders led down to his bulky upper arms, swollen with rippling muscles down to his big, strong hands.  His one hand was resting on his waist and the other was laying flat across the bed behind her, where she must have been lying on it.  

           Kate couldn’t help but think about their conversation earlier that night.  She wondered what it would take for her to be able to trust Derrick again.  Would she ever be able to open up to him?  They had been dating for almost seven months now, but there were still some things about her that she hadn’t told him.  She had a dark and painful past that only her sister knew about.  She hadn’t even told Derrick anything about it and she wondered now if she ever could.  

           Kate’s father had been an alcoholic and died over a decade ago and her mother had abandoned their family when she was still in elementary school.  Kate had grown up taking care of her little sister, Annie, and they had bounced between different friends’ houses and even foster houses for a several years.  All of those struggles were hard enough to admit, but the real reason that she kept those sad memories private is because it was all her fault.  

           She had kept quiet for several months about what her elementary school principal was doing to her in the janitor’s closet between classes.  The sexual abuse was bad enough but the fear he instilled in her was much worse.  He threatened her to never say a word and she was six years old so she believed him.  It took awhile but she finally summoned the courage to tell her parents what had happened.  

           That is when everything fell apart.  

           Her father called her a liar and her mother was more concerned with how it would make her look.  Nobody cared about her or how she was doing.  Her parents fought constantly over what to do with the matter.  Her father wanted to keep it quiet and her mother wanted to complain to everyone they knew, craving the attention that their pity brought her.