Tainted Love (Book 1) (44 page)

I was thankful that Rachel was locked off with Ryan when I got in. My legs fel
t weak as I trudged to my room. I needed the reprieve from people for a while.

As I lay in bed, I curl around one of my pillows to try to garner as much comfort as I can. I
miss him.

I don’
t know what possesses me, but I draw for my BlackBerry and type a text to Ben.

Please forgive me, Ben. I’
m sorry. P.S. I’m home.

I didn’
t expect him to text back and upon reading his message, I wish he didn’t.

I don’
t give a fuck.

His respo
nse hurts me deeply. If he didn’t respond it meant that he was still too raw to talk and with a good night’s rest he might turn around. A text would mean even greater hope of a turn around, if it were a nicer one. This message, though, communicates just as it said: he doesn’t give a fuck.

Burying my face into my pillow, I scream, tears drowning it. An agonized groan escapes my lips and all I feel like doing is jumping off the roof. Death comes bidden in my mind as anything would be better than this. Anything.

After two and a half hours of sleep, my eyes burst painfully open at 6a.m. My eyes are too swollen and my head is on fire and in too much pain. I feel like I was hit by a bus, which would be a welcomed occurrence right now as the pain of losing Ben still lingers.

I sit up in bed for another half an hour clutching my pill
ow to me, and although I don’t make a sound, tears course down my face like waterfalls.

Without conscious effort, I replay the events of last night in my head. A knot grips my chest and
I let out a groaning shudder. I’ve lost Ben.

Strolling in, Rachel sing
-songs, “Wakey, wakey. Eggs and bake…” She halts and gasps when she sees my face. “Lilah, what’s wrong?” She rushes over to me and mashes me to her. Once again the dam breaks and I fall apart in her embrace.

Through gasps and tears, I tell her what happened. I cry even harder when she starts crying with me.

“Oh, honey,” she whispers as she wipes her face. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I thought…”

“
There’s…nothing…to…say,” I say between heaving breaths. “We’re…done.” Truth be told, I sound like a blubbering idiot.

“Lilah, I’
m here for you, okay?” Rachel rests a reassuring hand on my shoulder and stares lovingly and concernedly at me. “I’ll go make you some French Vanilla coffee and get that fluffy robe.”

I don’
t know if French Vanilla coffee and a fluffy robe is gonna to work this time. As a matter of fact, I’m sure it won’t work, but, I nod anyway. It’s worth a try.

Rachel heads for the door then stops staring back at me. “You’ll get through this, Delilah. You’re a fighter.” She leaves and I am once again left with my thoughts.

I am in no shape to go to class, much less to leave the house. I text Lizzie, telling her that I am feeling out of sorts and would be missing classes today. She responds by saying:

I
’ve got u sweetie.

I send a similar message to Janelle and she sends a similar reply:

I got you, ma.

I sigh, a painful ache forming in my chest. This is Day one without Ben and it feels like the end of my life.

Day two is the same. I stay in my dark room crying. I don’t eat…can’t eat. My lips are chapped and my hair is mucky. I look ghastly and smell like hot garbage.

Rachel gets home and runs me a bath. She bathes me while I cry, cooing to me that it
’s going to be okay. After she washes and combs my hair, she dries me, dresses me and makes me sit up in bed. I feel like a baby again as she feeds me chicken soup and then rocks me to sleep.

Day two
…just as bad as Day one.

Day Three saw no change. I woke up from a horrible nightmare in the wee hours of the morning. In the dream, two men were standing over me, thrust in dark shadows, grabbing at me, one more familiar than the other. Then, a door was kicked open but I couldn
’t see who came in. Bright light enveloped me and I heard gunshots, which jolted me awake. Confused, I’d started crying again until I fell asleep.

I spent the rest of the day lik
e I did on Day two. Day three…depressed mode.

Day four had me puking my guts out. I answered no calls but Rachel
’s. I answered none of the knocks from Mrs. Wade; neither had Rachel let her in when she asked to come in to check on me because she hadn’t seen me in so long.

Not even my
Come on get happy
playlist could dissolve my sadness. I was in an abyss, a chasm of sadness, and it would take a miracle to get me out.

Ben hadn
’t even tried to contact me. Simone had sent me a text on Tuesday saying “the tyrant is back” and I cried because I was responsible for that. I couldn’t even tell her that we broke up. I told her some lie that Fields was riding his ass and she no more than believed my fabrication. She hadn’t texted me back since then. Simone is a great friend, but he was her boss. I couldn’t risk her getting fired, and in the same breath, I wondered how he hadn’t fired her yet.

Day four…
sucked ass!

I wake up
on Day five feeling rested. It’s after 10 and Rae has already gone to work. The sound of my stomach rumbling signals that I have gotten my appetite back.

Reaching for my phone, I check
to see if I have any missed calls and sure enough, there are a few from Rachel. I decide to call her back.

“
Hey, Rae,” I greet her, my voice now smoother than it had been the past five days.

“Get your butt out of bed,”
she orders with no preamble.

“I’m up, I’m up.”

“We’re doing lunch. So get your shit together.”

“
Rae,” I start to protest.

“
I said, get your shit together, we’re going for lunch. I don’t care if you come out looking like a fucking hobo, we’re doing lunch,” she insists. “I hate to fucking see you slumped up in that apartment, Lilah. You’re driving yourself crazy and I don’t want to see you go down that road again.”

I sigh. I know the road she’s speaking of and she is right. It does no
good for me to slouch around, but I don’t know if I am ready to see the outside world yet.

“
Rae,” I start to protest again.

“
I swear to fucking God, Lilah. I will kick your ass if you don’t shower, throw on something nice and get out of that fucking house to have lunch with me!” Rachel promises. “Get ready and I’m not going to call again. Meet me at Joélles.” She hangs up before I can say another word. And even I know Rachel is not to be trifled with.

I get up unwillingly and pad to the bathroom. It is Day five and so far I haven't made any progress. I need to get on with it already. I need to move on, hard as it might be.

Day five…positive strides.

Morty, the daytime doorman holds the door open for me and I smile at him as I exit. I breathe in the cool crisp air of the late morning appreciatively as I haven’t had fresh air for the past five days. Then, stridently, I start walking.

I was eager
to get out of the house after I’d gotten out of the shower. I’d been holed up in that apartment ever since Ben and I broke up and it was nothing short of hell.

I missed Ben with every fiber of my being
and with every breath I took, the pain of knowing I’d lost him grew harder and harder to bear. It took immense restraint not to cut myself or opt for my usual quick fix of a constant high; anything to dull this emotional anguish I was in.

When you feel this much emotional pain inside, you hurt yourself just so you can feel physical pain, because that much you can handle.

I knew – and Rachel knew – if I didn’t get out of the apartment soon, that I’d eventually jet to old habits to dull my emotional distress. No one wanted to see me strung out again or attempting suicide. Besides, that would ruin any chance – any hope – I had of ever getting back together with Ben. As long as I was alive, there was hope. There was a chance, no matter how small. At least, that’s what I thought as I took that shower.