Sworn to Protect (Vows of the Heart) (16 page)

His smile vanished. “You scared the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry—”

He shook his head. “I know you didn’t mean to. I just felt so…powerless to help you.”

She drew a deep breath into her lungs. “Ethan, this is going to be harder than hell for me…telling you this…you’re going to think I’m insane.”

He remained silent a long moment. “Sweetheart?”

“Yes?”

“I’ve been in the car with you twice now during your bat
-out-of-hell driving…you are insane.”

In spite of herself, she smiled. “And you’re still here.”

He nodded. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

He never ceased to amaze her. “All right…here goes…and just remember, you asked for this.”

He arched an eyebrow at her.

“Aaron was the DEA’s undercover agent. I met him last year and of course had no idea. I thought he was just another employee. I was deep into Cordova’s inner circle
, although that was the last place I wanted to be. But with my dad in the rehab clinic, if I wanted him to live or to even see him at all, I had no choice. Aaron came into the circle too, he literally rocketed through the ranks. I have no idea how he did it. Cordova doesn’t trust easily, but he trusted Aaron almost immediately.”

“Sweetheart, take it from a man with experience. It wasn’t an accident. We have psyche
evals on Cordova. We know exactly the type of personality he likes and will trust. On a psychological level, the BAU at Quantico can play Cordova like a fiddle. That’s why the ATF selected me for the undercover work – after I volunteered, of course. I matched the profile perfectly.”

“Really?” s
he asked. “I had no idea but now it makes a lot more sense. Well, you know I had a pretty independent operation going. I wanted nothing to do with Cordova’s goons. But Aaron…he was different…I knew that almost immediately. I didn’t trust anyone. But somehow, Aaron became my best friend. A friend I desperately needed at the time.”

He squeezed her fingers as she drew another deep breath to steady herself. This is where it was going to get rough.

“Eventually he told me he was an undercover agent.”

Ethan scowled. “Then he must have been ready to get you out.”

She shook her head. “He told me he wasn’t even close. He needed me to get him closer.”

His scowl deepened. “Unless the DEA has a different protocol than we do, which I doubt, that was a serious breach. You don’t tell your informant who you are until you’re ready to pull them out because one little mistake can get you killed.”

“And that’s exactly what happened,” she said, her tears falling freely. Her voice breaking, she told him about that terrible night.

“When Cordova played the recording. God, Ethan…I swear to you I didn’t know. I didn’t know Daddy’s room was bugged. I had just buried him the day before.”

“Oh God, sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault. Jesus, you can’t blame yourself. Aaron broke regs, that’s why they are there. You’re not a trained agent, he was. He should have known better.”

She shook her head. “I’m the one who got him killed, Ethan. They say the DEA had a mole too…but…don’t you get it? I was the mole
, although an unintentional one. It was me.”

He blinked at her, as if he could not begin to comprehend her words.

“You should have seen Aaron when he heard that recording, when he realized it was me,” she continued softly. “The look in his eyes…it was pure hatred.”

Ethan
scowled. “He was angry with you?”

“He kept screaming at me to get the hell away from him. He called me a bitch. He was so enraged
, he managed to pull himself to his feet despite his injuries.”

Ethan’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. She leaned over the console, needing to feel his arms around her. He held her tight, and kissed the top of her head.

“Then Cordova shot him. Killed him right in front of me. That’s when the other agents showed up. They tried to capture Cordova, but he got away.”

“So your nightmare…it’s Aaron’s murder?”

She nodded. “Every time I go to sleep, I relive it. I’m right back there.”

“Shit,” he whispered.

“But, Ethan, last night, my nightmare changed.”

“Changed?”

“In my nightmare, everything happened as I told you, but when the DEA agent hauled me out of the building, I saw you running toward me,” she said and told him the specific details of his wounds and him dying in her arms. “It took me a few minutes to figure it out after I woke up, but then I realized what happened.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Ethan, when did Cordova discover you?”

“October,” he said tightly.

“That was a month after he killed Aaron. When Cordova escaped Los Angeles, he went straight to New York. Because Aaron had made it into his inner circle, he put the clamps down on his organization here. Ethan, you know how he operates. He knew if the DEA had made it in, there was a good chance other agencies had too and targeted specific operations. He was dealing weapons in New York so, ATF is the first thing he’s going to look at. He pinched his mole hard – and he found you.”

“Bethany
—”

“Don’t you get it, Ethan? Because I betrayed Aaron, Cordova looked harder. He found you because of me. That’s what my nightmare was trying to tell me. You were tortured…you received those scars because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”

Ethan slammed on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road, but held onto her. He turned and gripped her face firmly in her hands. “Bethany, stop it! You are
not
responsible for what happened to me. Cordova is.” His thumbs gently wiped away the tears streaming down her cheeks. “Do you hear me?”

She opened her mouth to argue.

“No,” he said with firm conviction. “You…are…not…responsible.” He crushed his mouth against hers.

Her world turned upside down and inside out. She couldn’t fight him, she couldn’t argue with him, she couldn’t do anything but return his kiss.

****

Ethan couldn’t describe the horror coiling through him at that moment because of Bethany’s words. But she didn’t p
ull away from him and his heart rejoiced at the small victory. He knew there was still the war to fight, but he would win it one battle at a time. Never would he blame her for such a thing and his heart twisted that she blamed herself. He pulled back, then lightly kissed away the tears dripping down her cheeks.

“Ethan,” she whispered as her hand reached up and freed his ponytail. She ran her fingers through his hair and Ethan shivered in delight. “There’s more.”

He pulled away, staring down at her in shock. “More?” She nodded and started to speak, but he shook his head. “Wait. You need to understand this.”

“What do you mean?”

He realized they had been stopped for too long. He didn’t want a state trooper pulling in behind them to see if they needed assistance. Ethan returned the gearshift to drive and pulled back onto the freeway. But as soon as he was able, he tangled her fingers again with his free hand.

“Let me give you an agent’s perspective. Sweetheart, my informant was Cordova’s mistress in New York
, but never once did I tell her who I was. Like you, she needed a friend and I listened, but she didn’t know I was undercover until Cordova discovered me. The mole who betrayed me worked in our file room for five years. When Cordova wanted to find out if the ATF had anyone involved, he threatened the man’s family in order to get access to the personnel files. The reason why my team showed up when they did was because they discovered the mole. My team leader questioned him and found out the man gave Cordova copies of my personnel file. Then he got my voicemail about the meeting Cordova had hastily called that evening. That’s the only reason my team got there when they did.”

“Okay….” She frowned
.

“We were going to pull my informant out in two days. If I had known what had happened in L.A. I would have pushed up the timetable
, but I was under too deep and wasn’t aware of it. Tony or Rick should have told me what happened immediately. Of course, Cordova would look hard at his other operations after discovering Aaron, but they never said anything to me.”

“I’m still not seeing your point here.”

“An agent that deep undercover depends solely on his team to feed him information and help focus his vision on the big picture. The support team is a lifeline…my lifeline…and now I realize mine failed…badly.”

“That still doesn’t change the fact that you were hurt because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”

“I was injured because of the breakdown with my support team, Bethany. I would never blame you for this, we’re the ones with the knowledge and training, you’re not. And honestly, I don’t think Aaron blamed you either.”

“What makes you say that?”

“When he became enraged at you…it’s a tactic we’re taught.”

“What do you mean?”

“He said he knew he was dead, that’s why he made you promise to turn state’s evidence. But Cordova was right there and we both know he always carries a piece. Aaron had to figure he’d kill you too. We’re trained to use a powerful emotion, like rage, to defeat the pain so we can act. Aaron knew his team was there, so he used his rage to draw Cordova’s attention to himself…to divert him away from you. Bethany, Aaron wasn’t angry with you, even though he used that emotion to accomplish his goal, he was protecting you.”

She stared at him dumbfounded. “But…but if that’s true…why is his ghost trying to kill me?”

Ethan slammed on the brakes again. “What?

Thank God it was late and there were few cars on the road. Bethany removed her hand from the dashboard and squeezed her eyes closed. “I told you, you’d think I was insane.”

Ethan stared at her a long moment then he shivered, his gaze taking a distant look. “No,” he said
, but his voice was hoarse. “I…I think I felt it too.”

“What?”

“This morning…when you woke up screaming. I felt the cold…it was bone chilling…unnatural.” He focused on her again, his mercury eyes pensive. “It was only around you, Bethany. When I reached for you, the cold only surrounded my hand, otherwise the room was normal temp.”

She swallowed hard, her thoughts scrambling. “That’s what happens right before Aaron’s ghost shows up.”

“Why do you think he’s trying to kill you?”

“I felt his touch. I first saw Aaron’s ghost a few minutes after Cordova killed him, when the agent dragged me out. But after that, he was only in my nightmares – until Shanahan brought you to the motel room. I saw Aaron’s ghost in the mirror. I screamed and ran. Then he…he came out of the mirror…he grabbed the back of my neck. It was like…God, Ethan, I can’t describe it.”

“You saw him at the motel room?” He scowled. “Did you see him again?”

“I heard him shrieking behind me when I jumped through the window
, then he appeared at the corner of the motel.”

Ethan’s scowl deepened. “Bethany, tell me in as much detail as you can, every time you saw him.”

“After the motel, I saw him at the hospital. He stood in the middle of the corridor and the doctor walked right through him. No one else saw him, only me. Shit, Ethan, I must be losing it.”

He shook his head. “Seeing Aaron’s ghost…that’s why you ran?”

She nodded miserably. “That’s why I got out of the Suburban and got sick. I never realized fear could be that intense.”

“And
outside the first safe house?”

“I didn’t actually see him. When we walked up to the door, I felt the cold. I was certain he’d appear at any moment
, but the cold faded. It was weird because the cold came back right before we were attacked. I was learning that was a sign of him showing up, so I didn’t bother to stick around for anything more. I never actually saw him at the first safe house. But this morning, when we drove out, I saw him hovering over the front quarter panel of the car as we drove.”

“Is that why you turned left even though I told you to go straight?”

She nodded.

“He was herding you.”

“What did you say?”

“Bethany, I…I don’t know if I believe in ghosts
, but I do believe what I can touch and see. I felt the cold and I felt the physical response of your body. No one can make the hairs of their arm stand on end or their flesh turn ice cold on cue. You can’t fake that shit.”

She shivered, rubbing her arms. “Just the memory of the cold
—”

“But I don’t think he is trying to kill you.”

“Ethan, how can you say that?”

“Just hear me out. Sweetheart, when you ran from the motel, if you had managed to turn that corner, I never would have caught you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m still on medical leave, remember? When I was wounded, they took me straight to emergency surgery. When they were trying to remove the bullets, my
left lung collapsed and I flat-lined on the table.”

She gasped. “Ethan….” She reached out and stroked her fingers through his hair.