Swell (23 page)

A pleasant glee swept through my stomach and fluttered my heart.

“Thank you, I think.” I looked away from his face and saw that the band was starting again.

“It’s almost 9:30. Do you wanna go somewhere else before you have to go home?”

I nodded, and before the drummer could count out four beats, we’d left the store.

There wasn’t anywhere else we could go at that time of the night and not have to rush back
, so w
e hung out in his car in front of my house. He kept the same CD on the stereo, and the dreamy music relaxed me.

“Have you always wanted to be an artist?” he asked.

“Since I could pick up a crayon. How about you?”

He thought for a moment. “I don’t know if I want to be an artist. They’re usually broke.”

“That shouldn’t be the reason
not
to be an artist. Especially if it’s your calling.”

“At this point in my life, I’ve had a lot of things calling me and I’ve had to ignore them.” He started chewing his thumbnail.

“Did you want to ignore me?” I was setting him up for the response that I wanted. The one that would let me know where this was headed.

“Why would I ignore you? You’ve got a thrilling life, a brilliant talent, and more drama than any soap opera on television.”

That wasn’t what I was looking for. “What? What do you mean?”

“You’re interesting, but I don’t think you’ve even begun to realize your potential.”

“I don’t get what you’re saying, Jesse.”

He looked me in the eye and heaved a sigh. “You’re a
beautiful
person who thinks she needs all these things. The guy. The friends. The drinking. You don’t need any of that, Rebecca. I like who you really are.”

That did it for me. Before he could continue, I’d launched my body over the parking brake and into Jesse’s lap. I cupped his face in my hands as I kissed him with more longing and depth than I’d ever had before. His breath was short and quick as I fluttered my lips on his nose, mouth, and cheeks. His scent was intoxicating.

Jesse’s hands stayed on the outside of my clothing, but he ran them up and down my back and we went deeper into each other’s mouths, our tongues dancing like cyclones.

When we finally took a breather, it was time for me to go in. I didn’t want to let the moment fade away. It felt so good to
feel good
for being me.

“I. Think. We’d better call it. A night.” Jesse tried to catch his breath, but laughed instead.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, climbing back into the passenger seat.

“This! It’s really, really great.” He leaned his head against the headrest and stared at me.

“I don’t want to get out
of the car.”

“Do you want to sleep in the back? I have a blanket!” He rolled his eyes.

“I know you’re kidding.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want you to get out of the car, either.” He reached out and held my hand, stroking it with the softest, feather-light touch.

“I want to see you again.”

“You’ll see
me in class tomorrow,” I said
.

“You know what I mean.”

I wanted it to mean exactly what I thought it did, which made my heart feel sickeningly guilty. I
was with Christian again. He’
d put himself on the line for me. I owed him my love.

“I know… there’s him.” Jesse’s mouth formed an upside down crescent.

“Let’s see what happens.”

“I had fun tonight, Rebecca. I hope you did, too.” He leaned over to kiss me, placing his hand behind my head, holding it like he’d never let go.

I didn’t want him to.

Chapter 25

Any doubts Christian had about me began rising to the surface of his thoughts after we got back together. This usually happened when he’d reached a certain level of drunkenness — enough to cause him to forget better judgment and let the comments fly.

It started with his questioning whether I’d provoked Hillman. Not really accusing me, Christian told me in a roundabout way that my suggestive clothes and close proximity to his former best friend was too much for the redhead to handle.

“Some guys are like cavemen. They see a girl they want, and think with their dicks instead of their brains.”

“Are you saying that I asked for this?” We’d been lounging in the broom closet in various stages of undress, with a box of blush wine. Just another Thursday night.

“What I’m saying is guys like Hillman make things up in their heads when they see a pretty girl. They think she wants them, and come up with stories to convince themselves they’re right.”

“That doesn’t justify trying to rape me!” I stood up, put my shirt back on, opened his tiny bedroom window, and climbed onto the roof. He followed.

“Beck, I’m sorry. I just think sometimes… back then. You went wild. Like you didn’t care anymore.”

He was right about that. Why should I have cared when the first and only guy I’d given my heart, soul, body, and love to left me in the dust?

“YOU left me! YOU put your homework and running first! YOU let Hillman push you around! Oh, and YOU broke my heart!”

I started walking the length of the roof. The stars were extra sparkly, lighting the path I took toward the chimney. My sense of balance seemed pretty good after four glasses of wine.

“Beck, come back here.”

“No!”

“Please? I’m sorry!” He started toward me, but his balance wasn’t as good as mine and his foot slipped. He grabbed a roof tile and was able to pull himself up.

The mere thought that Christian believed, for a minute, that I’d provoked Hillman made me sick. Every time I wore something suggestive or downed more alcohol than I knew what to do with, it was for Christian. In the end, I only wanted his love and attention. Once I had it, the taste was bittersweet.

I resolved to simply enjoy myself in spite of Christian’s paranoia, and spent most days looking forward to art class. The chemistry between Jesse and me had always been there, so it was nothing new for people to see us work closely on a project or talk to each other. I was careful to cut-short our conversations once class let-out, because Christian usually waited for me, his eagle eye trained to ensure my art buddy wasn’t my buddy outside of class.

“The Gestapo’s here.” Jesse gestured with his chin over his shoulder. I turned around and Christian was almost in the doorway. He frantically paced back and forth.

“Oh geez, stop it, would you?” I poked Jesse in the arm and he pretended to wail without making a sound.

“I’ll never stop. Not until you go out with me again. And then… maybe then… I will stop. But probably not.”

The bell rang and, for the first time ever, Christian came into the classroom. He stood by my desk and gave Jesse the most fire-spitting look I’d ever seen. Jesse picked up on the vibe and exited without saying goodbye.

“Let’s go.” Christian picked up my backpack and escorted me out the door, holding my arm tighter than usual.

“What is going on, Christian? Let go of me!” He didn’t, and we walked at a super-fast pace down campus and to the Partymobile.

“We need to talk,” he said, holding the door open for me, and then slamming it once I got inside. He revved the engine and took-off, lurching past the waiting cars, hopping the curb, and peeling into the street.

“Buy any good books lately, Beck?” He kept his eyes on me and somehow managed to steer the giant SUV without crossing lanes.

“I buy books all the time. What’s this about?”

He snorted and dropped his foot on the gas, pushing the ancient vehicle past everyone else. We must have been going 50.

“Christian, slow down!” I tightened my seatbelt and reached up for the hell handle.

“I need a drink,” he said, pulling a bottle from underneath his seat, yanking the cork with his teeth, and spitting it out into my lap. I took the nasty plug and tossed it on the floor.

After several gulps, Christian turned onto the freeway, where he could go even faster. Though he was madder than hell, he instinctively handed me the bottle and I got what I needed in order to tolerate his craziness.

“You know who I haven’t talked to in a long time?”

“You need to slow down!”

“Remember Audrey?” He had his eyes on me again, and this time we were doing 80. My stomach felt squished against my spine.

“Yes.” I certainly did. The night she spotted me and Jesse at the bookstore burned in my memory. I knew even then that she’d somehow put her discovery to good use.

“Seems she ran into you the other night at the bookstore. Said you were drinking coffee and watching a band.”

I decided to go the honest route, but not too honest.

“Yeah, I was. So?”

“So! You told me you were studying! Instead you were at the bookstore. With your art buddy. What’s his name? That guy with the fucking jacket?!”

It felt like I was going up and down in an express elevator. My body ran hot, cold, and chilled with goose bumps simultaneously.

“Jesse.”

“Ah, that’s it! He’s got a
girl’s
name. So, Beck, what the fuck is this?”

“I went to the bookstore and Jesse was there. It’s nothing.”

“Wrong! It’s gotta be something if you’re telling me stories so you can go out with him.”

“I wasn’t telling you a story. We saw each other at the bookstore and hung out.” I’d entered lying mode because I hated being caught.

He slowed down to exit the freeway, and sped up again as we approached the hill where the water tower stood. All the times we’d gotten drunk there had been fun. I suspected this wouldn’t be the same.

Christian ripped the wine from my hands and got out, leaving the door open. I hesitated before I got out, sliding down from the tall seat to the sun-warmed ground. He walked up to the water tower, his mouth on the bottle the whole time. On the way back, he heaved the empty container over the fence and came up to my face.

“This is bullshit! I put everything on the line for you, and you piss all over me.” He did a sort of slam dance, fisting the air and stomping his feet, and then came right back around to me again. It was hard not to flinch.

“Christian! Look, Jesse is a friend. I can have friends, can’t I? You kept your friends!”

“That’s different.”

“Why is it so different?”

“Cause he
likes
you, Beck. Like I haven’t told you before!” Christian shook his head and ran his hands through his hair before looking back at me.

“If you knew how much I loved you. If you really cared, Beck, you’d get out of that class.”

“I can’t just move classes mid-semester. There is nothing going on.” My lies were sounding the same on the outside, but growing thicker on the inside. I could feel their mixture coagulating and taking hold of my emotions.

He turned toward me and put his finger in my face. “If you want me around, you’ll do whatever it takes!”

I shrank back and crossed my arms over my chest. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead went over to the fence and took a piss. He left his fly down.

“Do you understand? Everyone knows about Olivia now. And there’s court dates and lawyers and shit because I wasn’t going to just let Hillman have his way with you.”

“Would you have let him if you didn’t love me?” When he’d told me earlier that Hillman had used the threat before, he said it was different this time because he loved me.

I struggled to keep my mind from wandering to the place where it considered that Hillman had succeeded in raping before.

Instead of responding, Christian’s nostrils flared as his eyebrows twisted into a demonic knit. The red on his cheeks spread over his face, and he looked about ready to explode.

“Get in the fucking car!” There was a moment when I felt torn between heeding my instincts and running down the hill, or getting into the Partymobile to keep the peace. I always chose peace first, and dutifully entered the vehicle. The seatbelt was already on and pulled tight around my hips before Christian managed to get in.

“I don’t like you like this, Christian. Take me home!” I felt like slugging something myself, and the dashboard was looking like a good place to do it. It would have also been great if there was something more for me to drink — then I could give it back as good as I was getting it.

It appeared that I was going to get what I wanted as Christian screeched toward my house. The all-downhill ride took us around corners that neither Christian nor his SUV could handle very well. I kept checking my seatbelt while also noticing the lack of airbags in front of us.

Again, Christian couldn’t keep his eyes on the road. What had been the face of rage was now borderline sobbing. He kept only one hand on the wheel while I pumped imaginary pedals on the barren floorboard below me.

“This is it, Beck. It’s now or never. Either you make the decision or it’ll be decided for you.” He took his lone hand off the wheel right as we faced the blind corner three blocks from my house. A small guardrail lined the edge of the canyon, with several eucalyptus trees standing behind it to block the misstep of vehicles that came into its path. Except ours.