Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later (32 page)

But she couldn’t. Right now, it seemed she would never be able to love her sister again. It was inconceivable to think that part of her life was over, but it was.

“I swear I didn’t see it coming. I mean, with Todd all that time ago.” Jessica forced the words through her tears. “But once it did, I was shocked. It was the ugliest thing I had ever done in my life. And I couldn’t stop myself.”

“That’s your excuse? ‘I couldn’t stop myself’? Well, you should have.”

“But I never have. I know it sounds crazy, but you were the one who always stopped me. You were my fail-safe. You shouldn’t have been, but you were.”

“So actually, it was my fault?”

Jessica had stopped crying. She had an expression on her face that Elizabeth had never seen before. It was too serious, too knowing for Jessica. At least for her Jessica.

“No, of course, it wasn’t your fault.” Again, the tears. “I love you so much, and I’ve ruined your life.” The words were mangled between sobs. “And I’ve lost you forever.”

At those unbearable words, Elizabeth’s resolve almost weakened, but then she found the steel of anger to hold it together.

“I want you to leave.”

“Please.” Jessica came toward Elizabeth, her arms extended. “Just let me hold you once before I go. I know I can’t have your forgiveness, but just let me feel one more time that other part of me that I can never have again.”

The sight of her sister, her face torn with the love and need, and Elizabeth’s own longing defeated her resolve. Was any man worth losing this most precious thing in her life?

Elizabeth reached out and took her Jessica in her arms.

Even when Jessica felt her sister’s arms around her, she couldn’t stop sobbing. In fact, feeling that familiar body, almost an extension of her own, only escalated her loss.

For Elizabeth, holding Jessica was more than holding a sister. It was what she would feel had it been her child, and she understood now that short of the ultimate separation, she could never let go of Jessica. And she never wanted to. They would have to find a way.

Would Elizabeth ever learn and change and see the unfairness of the relationship? No. Love is not fair. Just undeniable.

Still, maybe there was a little difference.

“I love you, too, Jess, and my life is not ruined.”

And just like that, with those few words, they were on their way to healing.

Jessica turned to her sister and returned the embrace. Together they sat on the couch and held each other until they calmed down enough to giggle, sitting there hugging as if, had they let go, they would have fallen into space.

Finally, Elizabeth did let go. “Do you want some tea or coffee?” she asked, smiling. “On second thought, I’m actually down to only air and water in the house and you can have either. Or there’s a six-day-old half-eaten chicken sandwich, if you like.”

“Thanks, but I have everything I want.”

“Me, too.”

Jessica began to talk to her sister as she had always done, but it was different this time. They were equals. She told her about the last eight months with Todd and what guilt was doing to their relationship.

As Jessica talked, Elizabeth found herself less interested in her own part. In fact, she wished herself away from it. Hers was the dead part, and even her anger had quieted. She found that she could almost remove herself and concentrate on what was still alive for Jessica.

And she sensed that it was still very much alive for Jessica. That maybe she had underestimated her sister’s ability to love.

Elizabeth decided she was owed a small advantage, a payback for a lot of tough Jessica years. She decided to take it and not own up to her hand—or accidental hand—in the Liam incident.

“Was Todd right?” Elizabeth had to know. “Were you flirting with Liam?”

“No way,” Jessica said. “Liam. I like didn’t even remember his name, but whatever it was, he was hanging all over me, and actually, it was getting annoying. I didn’t feel any kind of response—which I know is weird for me, but it wasn’t the first time. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I
so
don’t have any interest in other guys. I’m not even sure why.”

“Because you’re in love.”

“In that case, maybe I was never in love before.”

“Maybe you weren’t.”

“I thought I was like lots of times, but it was
so
never like this.”

There was no point in chickening out now. Jessica had to ask. “Are you still in love with Todd?”

Elizabeth wanted to be honest, but it was a terrible question. Lost love was not the first thing that came to her mind when she thought of Todd. Just the fact that she couldn’t answer an immediate yes made her think either she was falling back into the pattern of taking care of Jessica or she really didn’t know how she felt about Todd. Well, she did know the anger, but she hadn’t looked beyond that in a long time. Now she did, and she answered.

“I don’t think so. I think if it hadn’t ended like a car crash, it would have faded gently, dropping into one of those well-worn friendships.”

“You wouldn’t have married him?”

“I don’t think Todd would have gone through with it. But I know now that I would have needed him to stop it.”

Jessica couldn’t hide the hope in her face.

“In fact, okay, so I’m not in love with him, but you are, and I want to help you put it together again.”

“The old Jessica would have sat back and let you do it all, but I’m
so
the new Jessica and I’m doing it myself. In fact, I’m getting back on that plane first thing tomorrow morning and straightening it all out. Just the way my sister would.”

“Hey,” Elizabeth said, happier than she had been in months.

“Okay,” Jessica said, “now tell me how I should do it.”

Elizabeth hugged her sister and together they crept into bed just the way they had done thousands of times before. And it felt right and good.

19

New York

As promised, Jessica left at the first light of dawn, kissing her sister and borrowing her new suede jacket. But Elizabeth’s euphoria could not be diminished.

As Jessica passed the hopelessly confused doorman still on duty, she waved and wished him good morning and stepped out into the clean, fresh, early New York morning.

The street that had been jammed with people and cars when she’d arrived last night was empty. She started out to the curb to hail a cab when she saw a young man leaning against a parked car.

As sometimes happens, in the picosecond before recognition, you see the unvarnished reality. This passing flash for Jessica was of a man, young but not a boy, his face kind and gentle, staring at her.

Then she saw that it was Todd.

He smiled, shrugged, and put out his arms to her.

She went to him, and the first words from both of them were “I’m sorry.” Then, “I love you.”

“Let’s go home,” Jessica said.

Todd hailed a cab and the doorman watched the couple get in and was happy that nice lady in 7C who always looked so unhappy had finally found someone in her life. He could see they were very much in love.

Then he went off duty and, just as well, didn’t get to see the nice lady come out later that morning. Alone. But not unhappy.

Will called before nine, but Elizabeth said she couldn’t see him until she finished the piece. They arranged to have dinner Tuesday night after rehearsal, and Elizabeth knew exactly what she had to do. It was truth time.

When she walked into the small Italian restaurant a couple of blocks west of the theater, Will was already at the table. He had on jeans, of course, but had dressed up a bit with a blazer, especially for her. She was pleased. He had long since stopped looking like Todd, but he was that kind of traditional magazine handsome that she liked. It wasn’t the only thing she liked about him, but it didn’t hurt.

It was good to see him, very good, but not over-the-top. Maybe she had forgotten what over-the-top felt like. She was definitely attracted to this guy, but …

“First thing,” Elizabeth started, barely sitting down. “A confession…”

“Your plan with Liam worked.”

“Liam told you?”

He nodded.

“It wasn’t a plan,” she continued. “At least not a conscious plan. You’re right, it did work and in the most horrible way. Even though it was the opposite of what I expected—Liam was knocked out by my sister and she didn’t even care. That’s what made it horrible; she really is in love, but what I did was enough to ruin everything.”

“You talked to her?”

Elizabeth told him about Jessica’s visit and the rapprochement and how she spared herself a confession.

“I still don’t think that kind of cruelty was what I had in mind. Do you believe that?” Elizabeth asked.

“Yes. Consciously you didn’t, but it was in there someplace. You admit that?”

“Yes. I guess it was. But it was so deep inside, so powerful, that longing to hurt them, that I let myself be fooled. Is that possible or am I just rationalizing?”

“A little of both, but I understand. And for what it’s worth, I think that makes you human. Now what happens?”

She told him what had happened and how the new Jessica, the in-love Jessica, had taken over and was going to work it out. How she called from the airport and told Elizabeth that before she could do anything, Todd had showed up in New York to take her home. According to Jessica, they had a most way-perfect movie meeting right outside the apartment.

“I still don’t know the details, but the wedding is back on, and I’m going. And I take back the fuck you.”

“Well…”

“Don’t go cheap on me.”

They both laughed, and the dinner was delightful, so delightful that they went back to her apartment afterward because she didn’t need an escape.

Maybe it didn’t need to be over-the-top. Maybe it was just a nice New York experience that people have when they like each other.

Friends with benefits.

She’d always thought that was only a cute joke. She was surprised at how well it fit.

20

New York

Elizabeth’s interview with Will was a success. Instead of cutting her story, David, the editor, let it run fifteen hundred words and everybody loved it. In fact, he wanted her to do a follow-up after the show opened.

She received compliments left and right. Especially from Will and the producers. When she walked into rehearsals the next day, it was worse. She was a star and had to sit down front with them.

And there was more good news. Right after the piece came out, she was contacted by
Time Out,
a slick magazine for events in New York. They were offering a freelance job that guaranteed at least two articles per month for an amount much closer to real money than Elizabeth had been making at
Show Survey
. The best part? It wouldn’t interfere with her work there. She said yes immediately.

Now she would be able to afford to stay in New York as a writer. Maybe even a journalist.

Elizabeth also included the piece in a letter she sent out to half a dozen New York media sites asking if there were any openings for a job. Though she hadn’t heard from any of them yet, she was hopeful.

Actually, for the first time in many months, she was all-around hopeful.

And that’s the way she was when she started to get dressed for Will’s opening. She hadn’t seen him in the last week because he was at the theater all the time now, every night for previews, plus rehearsals in the daytime. Elizabeth had stopped going to the rehearsals since the next article was about opening night and reviews.

It was a very different relationship from any she had ever had before. Of course, so much of her dating life had been spent with Todd that she really didn’t know how relationships evolved. Fundamentally, she was still thinking teenage. Even worse, going steady.

The first nice thing about her relationship with Will was that there was no need for excuses. They talked on the phone and texted, and it was very comfortable, without the intensity of constant communication.

She wasn’t sure it was love. The wasn’t sure part made her pretty sure it wasn’t. She didn’t think it was for him, either, and she hoped she wasn’t misleading him.

After fifteen minutes, her bed, every chair, the dresser, and the radiator were covered in rejected opening-night outfits. When she finally decided on one, it was her little black dress. She and Jessica had always laughed when their mother talked about her little black dress, but in New York, you needed one. It was always safe.

In some ways she would always be the same Elizabeth, but in a bow to her new persona, she’d had her little black dress made littler.

*   *   *

It was a cool, dry, late August night that could easily have been mistaken for fall. The plan was to meet Will outside the theater. He was there when she arrived, pacing like an expectant father.