Sweet Valley Confidential: Ten Years Later (19 page)

I have a little trouble finding the right place since there’s a Starbucks next to almost everything now. I find the hairdresser, but Lila isn’t there and not expected. No doubt she’s out screwing someone. According to Caroline probably my own brother, Steven, the shit. Not that I can afford to take such a disapproving position on infidelity, but it’s different for me; I’m in control. Steven’s the kind who falls in love. Men are no good at keeping cheating in its place. And thanks to Caroline, everyone knows everything. Except my pathetic sister-in-law, Cara Walker Wakefield. At least
she
would be home. Baking probably. Baking certainly.

They say the wife is the last to know. But like who’s going to tell her? What a momentous, Godlike thing to take on, bringing news that could demolish someone’s life. Who has the right to do that? What if she still loves him? Of course, I always think I would want to know.

Would Elizabeth want to know?

No way.

So everyone knows about Steven’s infidelities and no one tells Cara.

I can’t go back to the house and spend the entire afternoon avoiding Todd. That’s totally depressing. Instead, I drive downtown to see if I can find anyone to mess with.

Downtown Sweet Valley hasn’t changed that much since my high school days. The big changes happened before, in the late eighties. It had been years since the little shops were driven out by the malls and supermarkets, and I can hardly remember what Sweet Valley looked like back then. Which is depressing because I’d like to go back in time. Life was wonderful and simple when I was queen of the prom, when all that seemed to matter was how cute you were? And I was very cute. Just thinking about those days that are so gone so depresses me. Everything depresses me today. Especially my own life. The only cure is a drive out to the beach.

They say Sweet Valley is only fifteen minutes to the shore, but that’s on those rare days when for some inexplicable reason, there’s no traffic. Fortunately, today is one of the good days.

It is, in fact, a gorgeous, sunny day. Well, it is Southern California, but still it’s especially clear today. And it’s especially nice to be out of contact. I left my cell phone at the house. It’s probably the first time in months that I have been totally unreachable, completely free. Textless. Even Regan can’t find me. No one can find me. But then, who would want to find me?

That thought almost wipes out the sunshine and puts me back into the funk.

I make it to the beach in less than twenty minutes, and it looks almost empty. Lots of parking.

A nice walk along the beach will cure everything, right? Not my problems. But it’s nice to take off my shoes and toe kick the sand down to the water’s edge. But not in the water. It’s always too cold in California. Like you got all those miles of gorgeous beaches and you didn’t really want to go in. Even in the summertime.

I’m not three minutes into my cure when I see a familiar figure about a hundred feet away. It’s a body I would know anywhere, even from the back: broad shoulders, neat waist, good legs. So many men have spindly legs, but not him. And they’re in great shape and not too hairy. In fact, he’s an absolute hunk, even if he is my brother.

Maybe he’s just the right person to cheer me up today. Oh, God, no. He’s with Lila. Not that I can see her; Steven’s body is blocking her, but I see the way his hands are resting on her shoulders, then drop down, caressing her arms. Of course it’s Lila. Thanks to Caroline, it isn’t like it’s really a secret. Besides, of all people they can trust, I’m the one: his sister and Lila’s best friend.

I so need the company. I start walking down the beach toward them, but neither of them sees me. When I’m about twenty feet away, they turn.

It is Steven, but it isn’t Lila.

I’m stunned. It can’t be! It’s not possible! Not Steven!

I read his face. He’s as stunned as I am. And then there’s a flash of disappointment. I’m not Elizabeth.

No one moves. Not me, not Steven, and not Aaron Dallas. In fact, Steven’s hand is still on Aaron’s arm.

Now, as if he’s touched a hot stove, Steven jerks away and drops his hand to his side. He stares at me.

Aaron’s expression is harder to figure. There’s like shock, mixed with belligerency. Like, so what are you going to do about it?

A million thoughts shoot through my mind, all the way from Steven’s gay? to Maybe it’s not Steven. Only the first is right.

Before I can say anything, Steven says, “Now you know.”

My mouth is open but no words are coming out.

“So what are you going to do?” Steven asks.

“Nothing, I mean … nothing…” I say, finally finding my voice. But it isn’t even really mine; it’s a squeaky sound about two octaves higher than my real voice.

“Yeah, I believe that,” says Aaron. He turns and walks back to their towels. I never liked him, and I really don’t now. I remember him from high school—sort of slight build, cocaptain of the soccer team and I used to think, a nice guy. Until his parents divorced. Then he just lost it. Now I think maybe it had more to do with his sexuality than the divorce.

He still looks very young, like a kid, except for his eyes. Like too much experience. And maybe too much of it bad.

“How come you didn’t tell me? What about Cara? Are you going to tell her?” I ask.

“Look, I don’t want to talk about this now. And I don’t want you to, either.” Steven’s agony is all over his body, from his hunched shoulders to his twisted mouth; it’s obvious that he’s in great pain. “Why couldn’t you have been Elizabeth?” he says.

“Wow, that really sucks. You think Elizabeth wouldn’t be as shocked? You could have told us. I mean, we’re your sisters … unless, unless you already told Elizabeth. You did, didn’t you?”

“No one knows.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s true, Jess. No one knows.”

“Not Cara?”

“I’m just finding out myself.”

The way Steven says that touches me. He’s my brother and I love him, even though we don’t always get along. He’s always very partial to Elizabeth, but I’m the one he should be confiding in now. I’m the one who really understands that world. Like I lived with this gay guy for practically my whole sophomore year and we got on great. We were really close. Elizabeth barely knew Neil.

“Hey, it’s okay, Steven. Don’t worry. I’m not going to say anything. I wouldn’t. You’re my brother and I love you.”

“Thanks, Jess.”

“What about Elizabeth? Should I say something?”

“I’ll do it.”

Then I nod slightly toward Aaron, who’s sitting on the towel now purposely not looking in our direction. I lower my voice.

“I know he was a great soccer player, but I never thought he was that cute, even in high school. I mean, you know he’s got one brown eye and one blue eye and he’s never—”

“Jessica!” Steven says, cutting me off.

I’m not going to stand here and have this kind of argument in front of Aaron. “Look, so I’ll see you later. Right?”

“Later.”

I turn and start to walk away, then I turn back again and give a sort of wave to Aaron, who’s like deliberately not looking in my direction.

I keep walking.

Steven just stood there, rigid, his toes biting into the sand, watching the wrong sister walk away down the beach, probably taking his life—at least the one he’d had up till now—with her.

The upheaval of the last two months had been the most exciting, terrifying, unhappy, and happy time in his life.

In that time he had tried to put as much of his life up to scrutiny as objectively as possible. Things like the ease and pleasure he’d always felt hanging out with other guys. It was simple to take the bite out of that by telling himself that it was only for the feeling of friendship and camaraderie without the pressure a girl would bring.

He’d had best friends growing up, guys he was really close to, and a couple of them he could honestly say he loved, but not like the love he’d felt for Tricia Martin. And if he got aroused in the showers at the gym, well, so did other guys. He had worried sometimes about his sexuality, but then he’d read that around puberty, and even into their teens, a lot of guys worried. And when Tricia came along, he was able to put that worry away. And it stayed away even into his relationship with Cara. Then, two months ago, he ran into Aaron Dallas. He hadn’t seen him in almost ten years.

After graduating from Sweet Valley, Aaron had gone to Stanford to study architecture and had stayed in San Francisco until recently.

He remembered always liking Aaron, but Steven’s being a year ahead made a big difference, so they were never close friends. He would run into him at school. In fact, sometimes maybe even go out of his way to see him and say hello, maybe even hang out a little. He liked him that much. There was just something about his personality that appealed to Steven. Additionally, he had a terrific sense of humor and could crack everybody up. His looks were okay, nothing special, but he did have a good body from playing soccer, and Steven could see why girls liked him. And he looked like he liked them, too.

And that’s the way he remembered Aaron until two months ago when he ran into him outside a Starbucks in the mall. At first he was shocked to see him in Sweet Valley after all this time, and then delighted. Actually, it was exciting, and Aaron seemed to feel the same way. Like two old friends meeting up again after too many years.

They’d gone into a bar and hung out over a couple of beers for almost three hours. He couldn’t even say what they talked about beyond a lot of reminiscing and catching up on what they were doing now. Aaron was an architect and he’d come back to work for his uncle, who had a very successful architecture firm about a half hour outside of Sweet Valley. In fact, Steven’s firm had done some business with them recently.

They could have gone on talking for even longer, but Steven had a meeting back at the office and he was already fifteen minutes late. They made plans to meet again the following Tuesday.

The office meeting had already started by the time Steven arrived. It went on for at least an hour and Steven contributed nothing; his mind was still in that bar with Aaron.

In the days that followed he found that he couldn’t wait to see Aaron again, and on some pretext about having to meet a client the next Tuesday, he was able to move their appointment up to Friday of that very week. At that point he had no idea that Aaron was gay, at least not consciously so, because Aaron hadn’t mentioned more than that he wasn’t married.

The next time they met, Aaron told him. Steven was uncomfortable with the information, but he was able to rationalize it: So what, he can’t have a gay friend? Hell, it’s the twenty-first century, he can have any kind of friend he wants.

And they arranged to meet again.

At home with Cara, he only mentioned running into Aaron that first time. He felt a little guilty not telling her more. He could have; after all, Aaron was just an old friend. And she remembered him. But he didn’t tell her. And he didn’t tell her Aaron was gay.

The third time they met was different.

The meeting is at five at the same bar as last time. I can barely wait in my office. I keep watching the clock, willing it to drag itself past two and then three and finally at ten after four I shove whatever’s on my desk into the drawer, tell my secretary I have an appointment and won’t be back today. There must be something weird about my expression because he gives me a questioning look, waiting for more explanation since he doesn’t have any appointment in his book. I don’t even try, I just say, “See you tomorrow,” and leave.