Sweet Nothing (10 page)

The list of possible reasons why are endless. He’s rethinking Wednesday’s
we
, or he’s freaked out by my wanting to talk. He thinks I’m kind of slutty for kissing him the way I did at the reception. Or he’s wised up; knows I’m not good enough. Whatever the reason, his sudden disappearance has left me feeling unsettled. Empty. It’s like I’m homesick for a guy I barely know.

I slurp my iced coffee and reach for a shriveled sweet potato fry. The sun is barely peeking over the horizon, and already trails of sweat slip down my collarbone. I’ve learned that early morning is the only acceptable time to be outside in Miami. I like it out here, especially when Gwen and Waverly are asleep. It’s the only part of my day that’s silent. Unless you count the incessant chatter in my brain.

For the zillionth time, my thoughts click back to Luke. Maybe it’s a good thing he’s backed off. A sign of some sort, a reminder that I can’t possibly consider a relationship right now. But what about the picture? What about how happy I looked? Shouldn’t that count for something?

Behind me, the patio door creaks open.

“I’msorryIwasstarvingandtherewasnothingelseinthefridge!” I squeal, whipping around and plastering on my best contrite roommate face. It’s unnecessary.

“Luke? What the hell? How’d you get in here?” The tie on my barely-there pajama shorts is undone. I whip it into a bow, yank down my threadbare Knicks t-shirt, then yank it up again. None of these movements hide the fact that I’m not wearing a bra, so I cross my arms over my chest like an irritated little kid. Which isn’t far from the truth.

Luke lifts his finger to his lips, shushing me in my own house. Then he turns and closes the door behind him. I forgive him long enough to stare at the way his ass looks in red swim trunks. A faded Allford Academy logo stretches across the back of his t-shirt.

“Listen. I know showing up here this early is borderline creepy,” he starts.

“Borderline?” Despite my tone, something in me fills up at the sight of him.

“But I slept in my studio last night, and since I was on campus I thought I’d swing by and see if you were up, and I knocked when you were banging around in the kitchen but you didn’t hear me, and anyway, the door was open—”

“Wait. Woah. Stop. You slept in your studio last night?” I wish I’d brushed my hair. Or put on lip gloss. My mother always told me to carry lip gloss, just in case. Score one for mommy dearest.

“I was playing catch up, since I’ve been out for the past couple days. And I fell asleep—” Luke’s lips twist into an amused half-smile. He slips off his aviators and tosses them on the table. “You had no idea I was out, did you?”

“What? No. Yeah. Of course I did.”

“You didn’t! You didn’t even notice I was gone!” He’s laughing, but there’s a brief flash of hurt in his eyes.

“No, I—I knew I hadn’t seen you around. I just thought maybe you were… busy with a show. Or something.” I should be worried about how bad I am at lying to Luke. Instead, I’m trying to remember whether I’ve brushed my teeth yet.

He shakes his head and drops into the seat next to me. Reaches for my coffee and drains it. “That’s your punishment. And in case you’re concerned, I was out because I had to take care of a sick family member. It was unexpected.”

“Oh.” I feel like a jerk. “Is…everything okay?”

He nods. “Just fine. And I didn’t come by to give you a hard time. I came by to ask you out.”

“Ask… me out?”
Now? With no bra, morning breath, and tangled hair?
I hate it when my mother’s right.

“Like, on a date. A real date.” He’s easy; matter-of-fact about the whole thing. Confident.

I can feel the smile on my face before my brain even registers his words. “Oh. A date. Okay. That would be…”
Fun? Dangerous? COMPLETELY ILL-ADVISED?
“..good.”

“Okay, then.” He reaches for his sunglasses. “You’ll need your bathing suit.”

“Wait. You mean, like, now?”

“Like now.”

“It’s just—I was just thinking—”

“So stop.” Luke tilts his head and squints at me in amusement. At least I think it’s amusement. I’m slightly distracted by the lines of his arms under his shirt. “Stop thinking, and start doing.”

Everything in me wants to obey him.

Less then twenty minutes later, I’ve thrown on my favorite black bikini, gray shorts and a gauzy black halter, and a pair of laceless sneakers. I’ve scribbled an illegible apology to Gwen about her missing fries and, at Luke’s insistence, told the girls I won’t be back for breakfast or lunch. And I’m sitting in the front seat of Luke’s charmingly beat-up Volkswagen bug, my feet propped on the dash. I have no idea what we’re doing. I have no idea what
I’m
doing. Whatever it is, it feels good.

“This car makes my busted wheels feel like a pretty sweet ride,” I yell over an insane Jack White guitar solo screeching through the speakers. The inside of the car is papered in bumper stickers: WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER; KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD; MEAN PEOPLE SUCK; E
ART
H WITHOUT
ART
IS JUST… EH.

“First of all, don’t insult Betty when she’s within earshot.”

“I’m sorry…
Betty?
”

“And second of all, I bet your car’s not a convertible!” Luke reaches for the I CAME TO GET DOWN sticker on the ceiling. With a single tug, he exposes a gaping hole.

“You’re a strange dude, you know that?” I laugh.

“Yes, but a strange dude with a
convertible
.” He leaves the sticker flapping in the wind. “So, I meant to ask you. What’d you want to talk about the other day?” “Huh?”

“At the assembly. You said we needed to talk.”

“Oh! Right.” I rack my brain for excuses, but my mind is completely blank. “I… don’t remember. So, um, now it’s my turn to ask questions. Tell me where we’re going.” Above us, the sun flashes bright gold on the bay.

“East.”

“No, I mean, like where are we
going
? Do you have a map in this thing?” I jiggle the handle on the glove compartment, accomplishing nothing.

“It’s a surprise, Elle. What did I tell you about thinking? In fact…” Keeping one hand on the wheel, he reaches into the back seat and whips a black t-shirt into my lap. “Put this on.”

“What are you talking—”

“Blindfold-style,” he commands. “I’d blindfold you myself, but I’m busy.” He doesn’t mean to turn me on, but my body doesn’t know that.

“Fine.” I twirl the t-shirt and wrap it around my head, securing a knot at the back. It smells like him. “Have it your way.”

Three White Stripes songs later, Betty comes to a stop, and Luke reaches over to untie my blindfold. His hands on my neck make me jump.

“
Now
will you tell me what we’re doing?” My voice is high. “Or at least where we are?”

“Follow me.” Luke drags a heavy mesh bag and a cooler from the backseat. I take the cooler and follow him in silence for a few sandy blocks. Almost without warning, the beach opens up and we’re looking over a vast stretch of blue-green water.

“Go!” Luke yells suddenly, and it takes me a few seconds to realize what he’s doing. By the time I do, he has a head start.

“No fair! Cheater!” I screech, racing after him. The cooler bangs against my thigh. Small, white sand tornados rise around my legs as I sprint toward the water. My lungs, my legs, my body—everything feels like it’s about to burst.

“I want a rematch,” I gasp, collapsing next to Luke on the sand.

“Later.” Somehow, his breathing isn’t even heavy. “But it’s high tide, so we’ve got to get out there.” He tugs open the bag and produces two sets of flippers, two masks, and two snorkels.

“Out WHERE?”

“Okay. You’re right. I’ve kept you waiting long enough.” Luke pulls me close and points at the water. “See the marker out there?”

“Yeah.”

“Close to that marker is Half Moon Preserve. It’s one of my favorite snorkeling spots. It’s an old shipwrecked sailboat that sank just off Bear Cut sometime in the ‘30s. You ever snorkeled before?”

I nod. “On vacations and stuff, with family.”
Before everything fell apart.

“Cool. You’ll love this place, then.”

“Do you come out here a lot?” I step back and fiddle with the hem of my halter, suddenly panic-ridden at the thought of stripping down to my bikini in front of him.

“I usually come by myself, actually. I know you’re supposed to have a buddy or whatever, and I do when I go diving, but I like coming out here to think. I can clear my head. Get away from stuff.” Without giving me time to prepare, Luke tugs his t-shirt over his head and tosses it in the sand.

“It’s… good to have a place to… do that.” Not my best work, but at least I’m breathing and responding at the same time. Which is admirable, under the circumstances. Luke’s body is so perfect, it almost looks carved. And from the way he’s rummaging around the bag and chatting, I can tell he has absolutely no idea. Which makes him even more perfect.

“My grandpa used to bring me here when I was a little kid. And then when I was old enough, I’d come on my own.” He sits in the sand and pulls on his flippers. “I guessed, size-wise, on your flippers. I hope they work.”

“Yeah. I’m sure they’ll be great.” In two swift motions, I pull off my shorts and halter. Then I scramble for my gear. As I adjust my mask and pull on my flippers, I can feel Luke watching me. His gaze is heavy, almost as if he’s touching me.

“What?” I pretend to blow nonexistent water from the snorkel.

“Nothing. I… you’re just… I’m excited that you’re down for this. A lot of girls would think this was a weird first date, you know? But you’re like, comfortable. I like that.”

“What kind of girls have you been hanging out with? Wait. Don’t answer that.” I’m not exactly comfortable. But he’s so easy, so relaxed, that I almost can’t help but be too. I just can’t shake the energy that surges through me every time I’m around him. Maybe it’s nerves or excitement. Maybe it’s happiness. It’s been so long since I’ve felt those things, I hardly recognize them.

Luke raises his hands in surrender. “No. I actually haven’t brought anyone here.” He grabs my hands and easily pulls me to standing. “Want your rematch now?”

I shake my head slowly. “When you least expect it.” I prop my mask on top of my head and we waddle toward the water. I know I look ridiculous. But Luke looks ridiculous too, so I don’t care. I keep my hand on his arm for support I don’t actually need.

“Ready?” The breeze whips through Luke’s hair. His curls twist and turn over his forehead, hiding his eyes. “If you get tired, just give me a little signal.”

“Like what?”

“Like, um….” He tugs his right ear. “That’ll be our sign that it’s time to swim back. Very official snorkeling sign language.”

“So, like, when I’m kicking your ass out there, that’s how I’ll know you’re giving up?” The water slips over my ankles, freezing cold despite the heat. My breath catches in my throat.

“Pretty big talk.” Luke pulls on his mask. “Just don’t get in over your head.”

“I won’t.” I fiddle with my own mask and tighten the strap. Then I slosh into the salty blue-green behind Luke, knowing that it’s too late. I’m already in over my head. I follow him into the depths, leaving the shore and my doubts behind me.

Elle,

The Hamptons are… AMAZING. Seriously. You’ve never seen a house like this. It’ll be David’s when he turns 21. Lucky bastard. Seriously, though, it feels good to be away from Mom for a few days. It’s, like, freeing. Now I know how you feel every day. 

Love you for infinity,

A

It’s been two years, maybe three, since I’ve snorkeled, but my body slips naturally into rhythm next to Luke’s. My legs propel me through the cloudy blue of the surf. My breath marks the time in steady puffs. I stay slightly behind him, my head at his torso. I can feel my body beginning to relax, leaving tension and fear and doubt to bleed into the water with every stroke.

I keep my head down, letting the patterns of light on the sandy floor lull me into a meditative state. Silvery fish dart at odd angles beneath us, making quick entrances and exits. I like feeling the warmth and safety of Luke’s body next to me without having to look for him. I like that he’s sharing this part of himself, this secret place that he’s kept for himself all these years. I like that he trusts me with it.

If he’s starting to trust me, starting to open up, why can’t I do the same? It’s not like he’s naïve. He’s experienced tragedy in his own life. He knows that families can be destroyed in an instant. But even as the thoughts flicker through my mind, I know that our situations aren’t the same. Luke’s family was killed in an accident, in circumstances completely out of their control. Mine exploded because of the things I did to betray my father. Luke’s said so many times that family is important to him. What would he think of me if he knew the role I’d played in destroying mine?

I feel Luke reach for my hand. With a single, swift kick, my body is next to his, my slippery skin grazing his torso. He intertwines his fingers with mine and squeezes. I squeeze back, tiny shivers running from my scalp to the tips of my toes. It’s unbelievable how he can turn me on with a single touch.