Sweet Awakening (12 page)

Clare blushed crimson and instinctively put her hand on her belly. “No, Martha, if I am right, I will not need any for the next eight months. I don’t think last night will have an effect, do you?” she asked anxiously.

“Not if you stay in bed and let yourself sleep and heal. I will bring you some porridge and tea, and get some witch hazel from the stillroom.”

“Thank you, Martha. Can you tell Mrs. Clarke that I am not feeling well. That I can’t help her today with the holiday preparations.”

“Of course.”

“And Martha? Can you keep Lord Rainsborough away for a few hours? I don’t want to see him like this.”

“I will do what I can, my lady.”

* * * *

But Lord Rainsborough did not try to see his wife that morning. He slept late and then after a light breakfast in his room, called for his horse and rode away “as though demons were after him,” said his valet to Martha.

“And I hope they are,” she answered. “Well, at least he will be away from my mistress.”

Clare stayed in her room, eating very little and dozing off for most of the day. She slept so much, she was afraid she would be awake all night, but sleep was evidently what her body and spirit needed, and she slept through the night with no problem.

She awoke early the next day and got herself out of bed and over to her glass. Her face looked even worse today, if that were possible, as the bruises began to show.

She was standing by her window watching the early morning mist lift and blow away when she heard the door open and shut behind her.

“I am feeling much better this morning, Martha,” she announced, but when she turned, she saw her husband standing by the door and quickly moved back behind the armchair that sat in front of her window. Her eyes were wide with fear, and her hands gripped the back of the chair convulsively.

Justin stood there silently, gazing at the damage he had done.

“It is far worse this time, isn’t it, Clare?” he said in a tone that held both disbelief and despair.

Clare nodded.

“I don’t know what to say? What is there to say? I ... I don’t know what happens to me, Clare. I think it is because I love you so much. The drink brings out the dark side of that love.”

Clare stood silent, still wide-eyed and fearful.

“I went for a long ride yesterday, Clare. I know what I have to do. I know I promised this before, but this time, I mean it. I will not touch a drop of wine or brandy again; I swear it on my life. I know you will not want me near you for a while, but I hope you will regain your trust in time. I hope ...” Justin’s voice broke on the words. “I only hope I haven’t killed your love for me.”

The face was her beloved Justin’s face. The eyes were his, no longer the hard, shuttered eyes of a violent stranger. And the gray eyes were full of tears, as were hers all of a sudden. Healing tears.

“I have loved you from the first time I saw you, Justin, and I have never stopped. I just don’t know how to convince you of it. To make you see that no other man could ever replace you in my heart. Not Giles, certainly not Lynton or Sir Percival,” added Clare with a watery smile.

“I know that now, Clare,” said her husband fervently. “It is the alcohol that takes over, and I become ... I don’t even know who I become ... someone who is terrified that he might lose the most precious thing he owns.”

Justin took a step closer, and without thinking, Clare came from behind the chair and walked slowly over to him.

“I must be sure that you mean it, Justin. You
swear
that you will not drink again?”

“I swear it on my immortal soul, Clare.”

She shuddered as she stepped closer and his arms gently enfolded her. “I hope so, Justin, for I am not only thinking of myself. I am also thinking of the safety of our child.”

Justin put his hands on her shoulders and stepped back. “Child, Clare? You are increasing?” The look of happiness on his face was everything she had hoped for.

“I wasn’t going to tell you until after the new year. Until I was quite sure. But yes, although it is early yet, I am quite certain.”

“This is a new beginning for us, Clare. I will let you rest now ... I will not ... bother you with my presence at night. Until you want me.”

“Oh, Justin ... I will rest today. And I fear I won’t be fit for any public appearances all week. But please don’t leave me alone at night, my dear.”

When Martha brought her breakfast up, Clare was seated in the armchair by the window.

“I see you are feeling better this morning, my lady.”

“Yes, Martha, much, much better.”

Martha looked at her inquiringly.

“No one must know what happened, Martha. In or out of the household.”

“I am sure no gossip would ever escape my lips, my lady.”

“Let the servants know that I believe I am increasing and am suffering from fatigue and morning sickness.”

“Yes, my lady.”

“And Martha ... Lord Rainsborough will be joining me here for supper this evening.”

“I see, my lady.” Martha’s tone was noncommittal, but Clare was sure that she disapproved.

“It is only that he cannot deal with strong spirits that this happened, Martha. He has given me his word that this will never happen again.”

“Of course not, my lady.”

“And Martha?”

“Yes, my lady?”

“Thank you very much for taking care of me last night,” said Clare, reaching her hands out to her maid’s and clasping them. “I very much appreciate your loyalty and affection.”

“Thank you, my lady.” And you will always have it, my poor, innocent young lamb. Martha was only a few years older than Clare, but she felt almost ancient in experience as she left her mistress happily drinking her tea and dreaming, no doubt, of her husband’s visit that night. He must be an expert at making love, this Lord Rainsborough, to make a woman so easily forget the blows those same hands could deal out.

“I see you are dressed for Aston’s riding party, Sabrina. He seems to be becoming more marked in his attentions. Are you taking them seriously?” Giles’s tone was light, but the intent behind the question was serious.

Sabrina sat down at the breakfast table and motioned the footman to make her up a plate.

“If you mean to ask do I intend to encourage him, why, no, Giles, I don’t.”

“You have been out for ...”

“Four years. I know I am almost on the shelf,” she said humorously.

“Hardly. But you have never lacked for eligible suitors. Has not one touched your heart?”

“Not one, Giles,” she answered with a rueful smile. It was the truth, as far as it went. Not one of her admirers had ever made her heart skip a beat. It was only Andrew More who had that effect on her. And he had certainly never presented himself as anything but an old friend of her brother’s.

She had hoped that Aston, who was not only a very eligible suitor but a good-looking man, would have sparked something in her. But she had to accept the fact that for now at least, an attraction to another man did not seem to be in the cards.

“I have always thought that you and Andrew would be well matched,” said her brother thoughtfully, with that uncanny ability that they shared to pick up on the other’s thoughts. “But he is so sporadic in his attendance during the Season,” observed Giles, his voice trailing off.

“Andrew More has never given any indication of a special interest in any woman,” Sabrina replied lightly, and then changed the subject. “Have Mother and Father gone through the mail already?”

Giles looked down at the small pile next to him. “Why, yes, I believe so.”

“Is there anything there for me?”

Giles put his newspaper down with a sigh and with exaggerated patience, sorted through the mail. “You are always so
patient,
my dear sister. An invitation to the Blunts for Wednesday next. An invitation for me from Franklin to spend a week in Lincolnshire.”

“Will you go?”

“Perhaps. I enjoy his company, and I would be glad of a change of scene.”

“But you would leave Lucy behind to waste away, would you, Giles?” teased his sister.

“The day Lucy Kirkman wastes away for love ... She hasn’t let me alone for an instant since Christmas.”

“You haven’t looked particularly bored in her company, though, Giles.”

“No,” he grinned. “I have to admit she is good company. I prefer a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it to one of those docile misses in London.”

“Such humility, Giles.”

“Well, you were the one warning me against her, Sabrina! It is quite clear that she wants me. I do not think it takes being too full of myself to acknowledge that!”

“And will she get what she wants, Giles?”

“
She
clearly thinks so,” he answered with a maddening smile, and went back to his newspaper after passing the rest of the mail over to his sister.

At least he could joke about it, Sabrina thought. Seeing Clare and Rainsborough together during the Little Season had been hard for Giles, she knew. But it had also put some distance between him and his lost dreams. Sabrina certainly hoped Lucy would
not
get what she wanted in the long run. But if her pursuit amused her brother and kept him from dwelling on Clare, then God bless the little hellcat!

“A letter from Clare! Oh, I am so glad. I haven’t heard from her in weeks.” Sabrina exclaimed aloud without thinking and then regretted it. But Giles merely looked over at her and smiled blandly, asking, “I hope she is well?”

“She sounds happy ...” Sabrina scanned the note quickly. “As a matter of fact, she is increasing.” She hated to say it, but he would find out sooner or later.

“Why, that is wonderful. I am sure she will make an excellent mother.”

Sabrina knew her brother well enough to know that the news must have felt like a deathblow to another one of his dreams about Clare. But if the easiest way for him to deal with the news was not at all, then she wasn’t about to force him.

* * * *

Giles had thought the wedding was the worst, until he came home to Whitton without Clare. Then, seeing her in London with Rainsborough. But surely this was it: the knowledge that she bore another man’s child. Surely it should have been over when his dream died. He’d suffered, as was only to be expected, but each time he was quite sure he’d moved on, something would take him by surprise and he would realize that what he thought was one dream was really many interconnected ones. Well, thank God, if she was increasing, Clare would not be available for much this Season. And maybe by spring, he would have discovered an interest in Lucy Kirkman that was equal to hers for him.

* * * *

“Do you know whether Lord and Lady Rainsborough are in town yet, Sabrina?” asked Lucy over tea and pastries at Gunther’s.

“I am not sure,” said Sabrina with a worried frown. “The knocker is on the door, but I have received no answer to either of my notes. Perhaps Clare is not feeling well. Although she might have written a few lines ...” Sabrina’s voice trailed off.

“Ah, yes, I heard she is increasing. I am very happy for her,” said Lucy, licking a bit of cream from one of her pastries.

“For Clare, Lucy?” asked Sabrina with a wry smile.

“Of course. But mostly for me. Giles can hardly spend his time daydreaming about a woman whose waist is expanding and ankles are swelling!”

Sabrina laughed. “Oh, Lucy, you are outrageous.”

“I know you would not be thrilled with me as a sister-in-law, Sabrina. You think that Giles deserves someone sweet and loving like Clare. But she treated him worse than I ever would, you must admit. I am just honest about what I want.”

“I find myself admiring that in you, Lucy, much to my surprise! But I believe Giles needs someone different.” Someone who
loves
him, thought Sabrina, not just
wants
him, as though he were a prize to be won.

“I promise you, Sabrina, Giles does
not
need someone like Clare. Oh, she brings out the knight on the white charger in him. As would Lady Helena or the Honorable Susan Maxwell, whose mothers are always pushing their daughters at him, I might add. I, who am motherless, must do my own pushing,” she added humorously.

Perhaps if your mother had not died when you were three, you would have had someone to check your determination to get your own way, thought Sabrina. And you are right, Giles does not need a girl like Lady Helena. But neither does he need a woman like you. He needs someone a little softer and more loving than you and stronger than Clare. Sabrina surprised herself by that last thought, which felt like disloyalty to an old and dear friend. But if Clare hadn’t really loved Giles, then her brother was indeed better off without her.

That evening was one of the first crushes of the Season. Given the fact that the Duchess of Winston liked to have every inch of floor space taken up with either people or exotic plants, neither Giles nor Sabrina would have expected to see Lord and Lady Rainsborough immediately. They were attempting to make their way through the crowd when they heard the Rainsboroughs being announced behind them. Sabrina felt Giles stiffen, and she automatically put her hand on his arm in sympathy.

When they reached their destination, a cluster of friends and acquaintances, Sabrina allowed herself to search through the crowd, looking for Justin, who was tall enough to stand out even in this crush. But when she found him, with Clare by his side, she audibly drew in her breath, for Clare was as slim as ever. In fact, Clare, who had sometimes been referred to as a Pocket Venus, was almost unattractively thin.

“She must have been ill, Giles,” Sabrina said without thinking.

Her brother looked down at her in surprise. “What are you talking about, Brina?”

As the conversation continued to flow around them, she pulled him closer to her side and gestured to where Rainsborough and Clare were standing. “Clare told me she was increasing, Giles. She must have lost the baby,” Sabrina whispered.

Giles blanched. “She looks awful.”

“Yes. Take me over to her, will you Giles?”