SWAY (Part 1) (25 page)

“I do know, and I meant what I said to you, too, but I’ll do wha
tever you want,” he said quietly, stroking my hair.

“Thank You.”

32

The moment I saw Ryan I had the sweetest feeling of ce
rtainty rush over me. I knew he was the one I wanted, that I was in love with him and what happened with Justin was nothing more than a champagne induced slip never to be repeated.

As he held me, I wanted to cry because I had betrayed his trust in me and because I had promised to be honest with him.
But if I told him I’d kissed Justin, which would be sort of an understatement, he wouldn’t trust me to be alone with him anymore and there was no way I was going to lose either one of them. I knew the best thing for me to do was to pretend I’d dreamt it and keep my mouth shut.

Ryan took me back to his parent’s house. I didn’t ask why. I was too distracted with trying to seem normal.
Like he’d be able to tell I’d been kissing another guy the day before just by looking at me
. He told me a little about his trip on the ride over, but after that, he was quiet. I asked if everything was okay. He smiled and said he was just tired from the flight; something I realized wasn’t true when I woke up alone on the couch the next morning. He’d gone to bed and left me there. He’d never done that before. He always woke me or carried me to bed when he went.

There was definitely something bothering him. He’d left a note on the table under the keys to the BMW.

Annie,

Went to go hit some balls.
Didn’t want to wake you. You can take the car if you want.

I love you,

Ryan.

I got myself together and drove to Lehman Park. Ryan’s car was the only one in the lot. It was freezing outside so there wasn’t exactly a line for the batting cages. As I got closer, I could see that he was on the phone. It looked like he was arguing with someone. When he saw me, the conversation came to an abrupt end.

I parked next to him and got in his car. He was upset, like his feelings had just been hurt. The first thing I thought was that he’d somehow found out about me kissing Justin.

“What’s wrong?” I asked carefully. 

“Nothing,” he murmured.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not. Please tell me what’s wrong.” He sighed,
then smiled widely, flashing his bright white teeth in an effort to distract me.

“I’m fine, sweetie.
Really.”

I started to open my mouth to object, but he didn’t allow it. “Have you eaten yet?”

“No, but—” he cut me off. “Let’s go get breakfast, then.”

I knew then that whatever had upset him had nothing to do with Justin and me. Ryan never would have held in his feelings about that. He put the car in gear and spun us out of the parking lot.

We picked up the BMW after breakfast and went back to his parents’ house. I grabbed him and hugged him for a long time. He tried to worm his way out of my embrace. 

“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what’s bothering you.”

Ryan finally gave up his small protests and tensely held me against him. He released a loud breath. I felt his body tremble, lightly jarring mine. His chest shook and his breathing became jagged. He was crying.

“Ryan, you’re scaring me.” Truth is
, I was terrified. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

He released me and took a step back. “I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t do it again. I promised that I wouldn’t.” He sounded so defeated.

“What do you mean? What happened?” I prayed he hadn’t cheated on me, although after what I’d done with Justin I may have deserved it.

He didn’t look at me as he spoke. “Archer Hardwick called my dad while we were in Colorado and...” he sniffled, brusquely smearing at his eyes to rid of his tears. My heart began fiercely pounding. I was so afraid, although I wasn’t sure why yet. I just knew the reason Katie Hardwick’s father had called John wasn’t social. He wasn’t dying to have lunch, play a round of golf, or get the wives together for an evening out. They didn’t exactly run in the same circles from what Ryan had told me.

I leaned into him, putting my arms back around him. I wanted the comfort of being held. His arms tightened around me.

“He said it’s mine,” Ryan mumbled, weeping in my hair.

“He said what is yours?” I asked vacantly.

“The baby,” he whimpered, clutching me harder, despe
rately. “Katie had a baby. They’re saying she got pregnant prom night.”

I heard his words, but they couldn’t soak in as they were. My brain resisted, trying to rearrange them, to compel them to say something else. Something other than Ryan had a baby with another girl.
Anything other than that.

I was able to remain calm even though I felt like I should be cr
ying too, but nothing was happening. I didn’t understand how I was being so reasonable, so level headed. I should have been tearing the place apart and screaming like a crazy person, but for some reason my brain wouldn’t allow me to react that way.

The first thing that crossed my mind was my health and an ironclad way for that baby not to be his. “Didn’t you use prote
ction?” I had told him before that I didn’t want
any
details about what happened with Katie, but I needed to know that one.

“Yes, and that’s why I don’t think it’s mine.” His tone had a harsh edge. I knew condoms weren’t a hundred percent effective and pinning my hopes on his ability to correctly use one when he had been so wasted was desperate of me, but I didn’t want my boyfriend, som
eone I had imagined marrying and having children of my own with some day to have a child with someone else.

“I can’t believe this,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, Annie.” He slid his hand over my cheek, his weary eyes finally meeting mine.
And that’s when I felt it, looking into his eyes. The sadness forced my tears to begin to fall.

“How long have you known?”

“Four days.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s not exactly the kind of thing you tell a person over the phone and when I saw you last night the only thing I could think was that I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew telling you that I might have a baby with Katie would break your heart. I wanted to wait until after the paternity test to say anything.” He took a deep breath, his voice softened. “I thought I would deal with it once the results came back.”

I couldn’t blame him for wanting to spare my feelings.
But what did he think? That we would have a big laugh over it later.
Hey, remember the time that girl said I was the father of her baby? Yeah, that was hilarious!

“I can’t believe I was so stupid,” he said, his hands pulling at his own hair.

I sniffled, watching him, and uneasily asked the dreaded question. “What will happen if it’s yours?”

Ryan’s eyes flew back to mine. “Annie. I don’t want to think about that. I can’t be the father of that baby,” he breathed.

“I don’t want to think about it either, but you’ve had four days to process the possibility and discuss it with your parents so I know you know what will happen if it’s yours and I want you to tell me,” I said, my voice commanding.

“I don’t want to,” he said faintly.

“Tell me!” I demanded, glaring at him. “What will happen if Katie Hardwick’s baby is yours?”

“They want us to get married,” he whispered, his voice marred. I knew
they
were their parents. His mother must have been elated. Ryan would be forever tied to the person she’d chosen for him and now, if Katie’s child was Ryan’s, she would receive her golden ticket into the world she’d been trying to claw her way into.

I felt dizzy. The room was moving, whirling around my head, making me nauseous. I could almost hear the tingling in my head as my brain gave out, along with the rest of me.

I saw Ryan when I woke up. He was sitting in the chair next to my bed. He got up and stood beside me as soon as my eyes blinked open.

“How do you feel?”

It took a moment for my brain to wake once I had him in focus. “What happened to me?” I croaked, coming slowly back to life. He was looking at me with empty eyes. Then it hit me, the reason I was here in the hospital, the reason I had passed out.

“You fell and hit your head on the coffee table.”
Passed out, actually.
“You have twelve stitches. You were completely knocked out cold. You scared me to death. There was so much blood.”

Oh shit, Valerie’s carpet,
I thought. “Did I ruin the carpet?” He smiled, and I almost got a laugh out of him although I seriously wanted to know if I’d ruined her carpet.

“I think it’ll be fine. She had a company come take care of it.”

“Is she pissed?”

“No. I told her what we were talking about before you co
llapsed. She seemed understanding—especially for her.”

I doubted it. She was probably just putting on a good show for her son. I imagined she was hoping I would never wake up. Situation settled.

“When are you taking the paternity test?” I asked.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“I want to come with you.”

“I don’t think you’ll feel up to it.”

“I’m going with you. I don’t care if I have to go in a wheel chair, or if you have to carry me. I’m going with you,” I said plainly. His eyes moved to meet mine. “This affects me too.”

“We won’t know anything for at least three days.”

“It still affects me whether it takes three days or three years.”

“You’re right. It does,” he paused. “And I will carry you if you need me to.” He smiled at me. It was beautiful on the surface, but wounded underneath.

I knew the results could potentially destroy us, and so did Ryan, but I wasn’t going to sit on the sidelines and wait for the deathblow to be delivered secondhand. I wanted to know exactly what was happening from then on out.

I was fine the next morning. A bit of a headache, but I was going to live. The band-aid in the bend of my elbow felt like it had been super glued in place. I insisted that since we were already g
oing to be waiting for life changing test results that should have STD tests while we were there, just to be sure. I didn’t know Katie or her habits and neither did Ryan, really, but if he had given her a baby through a condom, she could have just as easily given him something as well, which could have possibly been passed on to me.

Ryan and I were strained and although we spent most of our time together, we were distant and didn’t talk much. We were both pretty wrapped up in our own heads. The waiting was ge
tting to both of us, so he decided to spend the weekend at his house in Harmon and come back on New Year’s Eve.

I was a little relieved when he left. I needed some time away. He promised to call me if the results came in before then.

I wanted to see Justin. I knew it would make me feel better and distract my brain from the impending doom the paternity test results may hold. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas. He and Pam had dropped my car off the next night. He’d left me a note inside.

Annie,

I promised not to say anything and technically, I’m not. I just want you to know that I still need my friend. Please don’t take her away from me over the thing that we can’t talk about. I miss her already.

Justin

I called him and when I heard his voice, I felt like I’d been punched in the chest, realizing how easily we could have completely trashed our friendship, just thrown it all away.

“I miss you, too,” I said when he answered.

He laughed. “You’re not crying again, are you?”

I said no, but I was crying a little.

“Knock it off and come over. I wanna see you.”

I hadn’t told Justin about my head, because I didn’t want to tell him what it was that had shocked my system so badly it was forced to shut down. I pulled the sides of my hair back and put them in a large barrette to conceal my healing injury before I went over.

I didn’t want to tell Justin that Ryan possibly had a child, but I didn’t want to keep it from him either. I figured if I was lucky, there wouldn’t be anything to tell him after we got the test results, so I decided to wait until I knew something for sure.

I was relieved that neither of us was awkward with the other, and that what I’d thought I felt for him Christmas night wasn’t how I felt at all. Everything was as it had always
been, which I was grateful for. I was also grateful that Pam and Larry were on their best behavior. I did wonder if Pam didn’t say anything because her memories of that night were as fuzzy as most of mine, or if Justin had threatened not to come back home if she blabbed.

Although Pam offered, I stayed away from anything with alc
ohol in it. I also steered clear of the back porch. The mistletoe was still scattered across the ceiling beams and Pam decided she liked the love beds so much that she bought them. So now, I could view the scene of my and Justin’s transgression anytime I wanted.