Sway (13 page)

Chapter Twenty-Five

I mentioned the Vegas trip to Gage, just to see how he’d react. He said “have fun” and gave me a send-off kiss. Not exactly the kind of guy who was ready to propose. But then the night before the trip, he begged me not to go, tried to reorganize his plans so he could come, then pouted when nothing worked out. We spent the rest of the night snuggled up on his couch watching movies. Part of me wished he could come, but part of me was relieved he couldn’t. I didn’t think I was ready for that yet.

It wasn’t hard to convince Lexi to come. She needed the break and a chance to relax. Her mom was happy to keep Elle for a few days and I was happy to have my best friend along with me.

The six of us—Eric, Lacey, Mari, Charlie, Lexi and I—boarded a plane first class for a short flight to Vegas. While the flight attendant closed the overhead bins, I pulled a magazine from my bag and absently flipped through the pages. Across the row from Lexi and me, Lacey was busy getting her pillow fluffed by another flight attendant.

“You know what would have been cool?” she asked Eric, sitting beside her. “A private jet.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, babe, but I don’t have a private jet.”

She stuck out her lip. “You could rent one, couldn’t you?”

Eric looked at me over her head and rolled his eyes. I turned away, ignoring both his sudden camaraderie and their hands entwined on Eric’s knee. I took a deep breath and stared at the chair in front of me.

“You look a little tense,” Lexi said.

“Shut up.”

She laughed.

My phone buzzed in my bag. When I pulled it out, there was a text from Gage.

Gage:
Miss u already.

With a smile, I texted back:
Miss u too.

Lexi craned her neck so she could get a peek at my phone. “Aww, miss you already, how sweet!”

I elbowed her. “Get out of here.” Looking up, I caught Eric staring at us. My phone buzzed again.

Gage:
Dad got me 2nd audition with Thea.

It took me a moment to remember that Thea was the producer from that HBO show he’d been trying to get on.
Congrats
.

“Is he talking about his dad?” Lexi asked.

“No, mine.”

Gage:
Wish me luck.

“Your boyfriend calls your dad, Dad?” Lexi sounded surprised.

“It’s a text. People shorten things.”

Me:
Luck.

“Wow. That’s serious.”

Gage:
Have fun in Vegas. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Me:
So, no restrictions then.

Gage:
Don’t make me come after u.

Me:
U better not. Lexi wouldn’t appreciate sharing a room with us.

He didn’t respond.

“I didn’t realize you guys were so serious,” Lexi repeated.

“We’re not. I mean…” She arched an eyebrow. “My dad’s been helping him get ahead with his auditions.”

Lexi’s eyes widened and then she tilted her head. She was trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what.
Turn around
, she mouthed.

Trying to act casual, I shifted in my seat and glanced around. Eric was still staring at us. This must have been what Lexi wanted me to see, but I didn’t know why. Eric’s expression was unreadable, but he didn’t look away. His eyebrows crinkled for one moment before he dropped his head.

I turned back to Lexi. “What?”

She shot me a knowing look but didn’t answer.

Gage:
Who’s Lexi?

Me:
Friend from Juilliard. I told you about her, didn’t I?

A voice came over the intercom beginning the flight spiel and telling us to turn off all electronics. I texted a quick goodbye and then turned off my phone.

* * * * *

Eric rented an SUV big enough to fit us all plus our luggage. How he managed to fit in Lacey’s five suitcases was beyond me. Why Lacey needed five suitcases for a three-day trip was
way
beyond me.

We only caught a glimpse of the bright lights coming off the strip as Eric drove southeast to Henderson. It was six in the evening when we pulled up to a two-story house with pale pink stucco and shutters around the windows. Eric parked beside a Mazda in the driveway and we all piled out.

“Adam!” Eric shouted when the door opened. He and Eric shared a man-hug: brief tight squeeze, hard pats on the back, just right for any beer commercial. “Great to see you.”

Adam pulled away and motioned us all into the house. “Come in, everyone. I can’t wait to meet all of Eric’s friends.”

Adam was mid-height, skinny, with dark curly hair that flopped in his eyes and thick-rimmed black glasses. With his tight black jeans and sneakers, he looked like he was right out of high school. The white shirt and tie he had on was the only thing to convince me otherwise. That, and his wife.

“This is my Britt.” He put his arm around a redhead a few inches taller than he was. Another man came into the room behind them, his hands in his pockets. Adam introduced Sam. Sam mumbled hi, then sank onto the couch.

“This is Lacey,” Eric said, nodding to the girl hanging off his arm. She nudged him. When he didn’t add anything else, she held out her hand and said, “His girlfriend.”

Adam and Britt both welcomed her warmly.

“This is Charlie, a friend of mine from high school, and Lacey’s brother,” Eric continued. “And this is his wife, Mari.” He hesitated. His next words came out in a rush. “And this is Mari’s sister, Ava, and Ava’s friend, Lexi.”

Adam, Britt, even Sam—they all stared.

“Ava?” Adam’s eyes flicked between Eric and me.

“Ava Elliot.” My last name lingered in the air like a note lasting on and on with the help of a pedal.

Adam’s eyebrows rose a fraction.

Eric had told them about me. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Probably bad, so the question was: just how bad? Lexi gave me a nudge.

“We wanted to stop in and say hi before we checked into the hotel,” Eric said.

“Hotel?” Adam looked affronted. “Nah, you guys can stay here.” Britt nodded.

Mari took in the room, distaste clear in her expression. The furniture was straight up Ikea, the floors linoleum. I was sure Eric paid his band members better than this. Then again, they might have fallen on hard times lately. Medical bills could be expensive and neither of them were in the band anymore.

Eric shook his head. “No, we couldn’t. There’s too many of us.”

Adam shrugged. “It wouldn’t be any different than our first tour. Remember that?” Eric started to laugh and Sam’s lips twitched a little. “Fourteen of us squashed into one hotel room. Didn’t Marcus sleep in the bathtub?”

Britt smiled indulgently as the three boys howled with laughter.

“At least stay for dinner,” she said. “We’ve already barbecued some hot dogs.”

Mari sniffed.

“That’s really nice of you. Thanks,” I said to cover her sniff.

Eric and Adam spent the evening reminiscing. Sam joined in, but only when coaxed. As soon as his laughter would die, his smile would fade, and he would sink back into himself. When dinner was over and all the old stories exhausted, Sam sat alone in the corner of the room, nursing a beer. The rest of the group was enthusiastic, cheerful, happy to be in each other’s company. Sam didn’t seem to want any part of it. Or maybe it was too much effort for him.

My heart went out to him. I knew what it was like to lose someone, if not in the same way. I knew how it felt to be so sad that just a smile seemed harder than climbing Everest. I knew the feeling of wishing everyone would go away so you could be left in peace. I also knew that being alone wasn’t any way to get over it.

I pulled a chair beside him. Lexi glanced over and made a face—an offer to join us—but I shook my head.

“What instrument did you play in the band?”

Sam sighed, as if that was a hard question. “Trombone.”

“Do you still play?”

His long hair and eyes were the same muddy brown color, lifeless. I wondered if they’d always looked that way. “Not really.” He rubbed his fingers over the moisture on the bottle. “You don’t have to talk to me, you know.”

I ignored that. “Music and playing really helped me after I went through an awful break-up.”

Sam’s eyes flicked to Eric and then back to me. “I listen. I can’t play anymore.”

“I remember listening to “The Reason” over and over again.” I laughed at myself while Sam stared at me blankly. “You know, Hoobastank?”

He shrugged.

“What about you?”

He hesitated. “There’s this one song I can’t stop listening to.” I waited. “It’s called ‘The Lonely.’”

“Christina Perri,” I said. He nodded. “Her songs are amazing. Beautifully written. So much emotion. I play ‘The Lonely’ on the piano.”

Sam started listing off other songs, all about sadness and loss, which he listened to regularly. I added my own playlist of depressing music. It was long.

“Evanescence,” I said. “I used to listen to a lot of Evanescence.”

“‘My Immortal,’” we said at the same time. The corners of Sam’s mouth turned up a little before drooping again.

“But isn’t that song about death?” he asked. “Have you lost someone like that?”

“My mother.”

He tugged on the collar of his shirt. “I’m sorry.”

“It gets easier,” I said. “Eventually.”

“No offence, but losing a…a… I want to call her my wife even though she wasn’t. It feels like she was. Losing that is a lot different than losing a parent.”

“You’re right.” My eyes strayed to where Eric sat, laughing at something Lacey was saying, his arm around her shoulders. I thought I knew a little about how Sam felt. “But I don’t know if it hurts any less.”

* * * * *

“I think I’m just going to crash here.”

It was past midnight and we were all about to head to the hotel. At Eric’s words, Lacey went to his side, squashing herself against him.

“’Kay, I’ll stay too.” She looked up at him, fluttering her eyelashes.

“No, you go ahead. Stay at the hotel,” Eric suggested. Lacey pouted and he wrapped his arms around her. “It’s a really nice suite. The softest beds. A jetted tub. Room service for breakfast…”

Her eyes brightened. “But I want to share all that with you,” she said, pitching her voice low and husky.

“So do I.” He put both hands on her hips. “Tomorrow, okay?” He whispered something in her ear and she giggled.

I dragged Lexi out the front door so I wouldn’t have to watch them.

“What’s your deal?” she asked.

I stared away from the house into the darkness covering the sky. “I…couldn’t watch that.”

“Why not? Don’t you have an awesome boyfriend and all that?”

“Don’t bug me about it, okay? I just don’t want to watch it. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”

“Not unreasonable, no. But—”

“Lex, please.”

Lacey, Mari, and Charlie were filing through the front door, saying their goodbyes. Lexi stood close to me and lowered her voice.

“Whatever this is, you’re going to have to face it sometime.”

The darkness slunk around us. I wanted it to cover me, hide me, so I wouldn’t have to face anything, especially this conversation. Concern covered Lexi’s face, barely visible under the streetlights. In that moment, I didn’t want it. My conversation with Sam had left me feeling raw and open. “There’s nothing to face.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

The middle of summer meant unbearably hot temperatures in Vegas. We walked the strip, sweating in the over-one-hundred degree weather. I kept chugging my gigantic bottle of water and pressing it to my forehead, the cool moisture a welcome relief.

“Let’s go back to the hotel and go swimming,” Lacey said. She walked in front of me, her hand entwined with Eric’s. “It’s too hot to walk.” She swished her hair aside and wiped the back of her neck with her free hand.

Lexi raised her hand. “I second that motion.”

“I vote for gambling,” Charlie said. Sweat spots had started to appear through his t-shirt. “The casinos are air conditioned.”

“I really want to see the fountain show first,” Mari said. “Please.”

There was no point in arguing with Mari, she would whine until she got her way.

A surprising number of people had crowded the streets despite the weather and the fact that it was a Tuesday morning. A few times, people stopped Eric, wanting his autograph. He did it with a smile, signing slips of paper, Vegas maps, whatever the person could find on them. I couldn’t help but smile too, so proud that people were finally starting to realize what a great musician he was.

Our group was so large that most people had to step off the sidewalk to give us room. Eric’s friends Adam, Britt and Sam had come with us, even though they had probably seen all the Vegas touristy spots a hundred times before.

Adam and Britt walked with Eric and Lacey. They were taking extra care to get to know his girlfriend. Lacey was friendly to everyone so I didn’t know if she noticed their special attention, but I did. They could have been my friends once. Now they would be acquaintances, nothing more. I would probably never see them again after this.

Sam trailed behind us like a lost puppy. Lexi and I slowed so we could walk beside him.

“Having fun, Sam?” Lexi asked. From anyone else, that would have sounded patronizing or harsh, but Lexi winked and smiled and Sam managed a half-smile without too much effort.

“You both play right?” Sam asked. “You mentioned the piano last night.”

I nodded, surprised that he was starting up a conversation. “Yep, piano. Mostly classical.”

He peered around me to Lexi. “Violin,” she said.

“Favorite musician?” Sam asked. “Or band.”

Lexi clapped her hands together. “Ooh, definitely The Eric Wentworth Band! Do you think Eric will give
me
an autograph?” She pulled the neck of her shirt down and mimed signing above her chest. Sam burst into laughter.

“No, seriously,” he said.

“Seriously?” she replied. “Hardcore gangsta rap.”

I was glad Lexi had come. She could make anyone laugh. “I don’t really have a favorite,” I said. “I like a lot of musicians, a lot of different kinds of music.”

“Who’s your favorite classical composer?” He kicked a rock with his shoe and it bounced onto the road.

“Hmm. I really can’t pick. It’s more about the pieces.” Lost in thought, I stared absently at the back of Eric’s head, covered with a baseball cap—his attempt at being less conspicuous. “If I had to pick, I’d say Schubert.” I looked over at Sam. “What about you?”

“I don’t listen to classical.” Sam wouldn’t even look up as he walked, his eyes permanently glued to the ground. “Favorite band though? Definitely Metallica.”

“No way.” I shook my head and he chuckled. After our conversation last night, I couldn’t imagine him listening to anything other than heart-wrenching, tear jerking songs.

“Yeah. I used to listen to a lot of metal.” Not so much anymore, is what he didn’t say.

“Why did you play in a jazz band?” Lexi asked.

He shrugged. “At first it was a job. Farrah helped me to love it. She was a jazz fanatic.” Sam stopped suddenly, his thumb and forefinger squeezing the bridge of his nose.

Lexi and I glanced at each other. Then she went to his side and put her hand on his arm. The group continued walking, unaware that we weren’t with them anymore.

He shook her off. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

“No. It’s not.” He put his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground. When he looked up at us, his eyes were so full of pain I almost recoiled. “You don’t understand. No one could. We loved each other so much. That can never be replaced or forgotten.”

Lexi and I glanced at each other again. Neither of us knew what to say.

“I don’t think it’s about replacing,” Lexi said. “It’s more like…adding.” Sam looked at her in disbelief. “You’ll always have memories of her. Those don’t have to go away. When you find someone new, you’ll be adding different memories to the ones you already have.”

Sam’s head slumped, his eyes finding the ground again. He pulled at his collar as if it was choking him.

“I know this isn’t exactly what you want to hear,” I said. “But eventually it won’t be so bad anymore.” A tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn’t ashamed of it. “You’ll always miss her, the hurt won’t go away. But you’ll learn to manage it. And then one day you’ll fall in love again. Believe me, you will.”

His eyes widened. He shook his head in denial, or fear, and turned away.

We continued walking, the group now a ways ahead. They had stopped in front of the Bellagio hotel. Mari, halfway between the group and us, had her hands on her hips and her brows furrowed.

“Come on, keep up!” she shouted.

Lexi growled.

We found a free spot and waited for the fountain show to start. I leaned against the railing and looked out into the water in front of the Bellagio. The dark blue ripples reminded me of Eric’s eyes. I wanted to dive right in. Because of the heat, I told myself. A crowd gathered around us and I found myself squished between Lexi and Sam.

Music blared from the speakers. My breath rushed out of my chest at the same time the water shot upward. The song was “Nessun Dorma,” an aria from Puccini’s opera
Turandot.
Water sprayed in spiraling patterns as the male tenor belted out Italian words I once knew the meaning of. At Juilliard, I had done an essay on Puccini, memorizing the words to this, my favorite piece. All I could remember now was one line:

And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine.

That line had always enchanted me. Mesmerized, my eyes followed the water, moving in perfect sync to the music. Chills gathered on my arms, my body trembled despite the heat. As the music shifted, I shifted with it. My heart rose with the crescendo and I inhaled. Slowly, the music dissolved the silence I felt within me.

The audience clapped when it was over and I joined in. Smiling, I turned my head to look at Eric, wanting to share this moment with him. He had turned to me too. The corner of his mouth turned up. A look passed between us, the kind of look we hadn’t shared in eight years. My heart rose all over again.

Hands reached up and rested on Eric’s face. His gaze wrenched from mine to Lacey as she stroked his cheeks with her fingers.

And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine.

It wasn’t a kiss, but a touch. Not mine, but Lacey’s. A touch that dissolved my silence and I finally understood what Lexi had been warning me about.

I was still in love with Eric. I’d been ignoring it all this time, but it was as obvious to me now as it had been to Lexi for so long.

Somewhere, deep inside, my love for him was rising from its hiding place. It had never died, I’d just packed it away like some unwanted thing I didn’t want to look at anymore. But now it was back, this treasure that I used to hold so deeply within my heart. It was back, no longer able to be ignored, but still very much unwanted.

* * * * *

We ate lunch in the Wynn Casino at a restaurant called Wazuzu where I died over the miso soup and Thai beef salad. Even Mari couldn’t find anything to complain about with her sushi this time. Eric and his friends shared “remember that time” stories with the rest of us. I watched him with Lacey, hoping to find some crack or error or anything off between the two of them. There was nothing. Part of me wanted to hate her, but there was nothing about her to hate. She was sweet and kind and beautiful and it was no wonder Eric had fallen for her.

The girls spent the afternoon by the pool tanning and swimming while the guys went to the casino to gamble. I lay by the pool with my eyes closed. On the outside, I probably looked serene and relaxed, but inside a civil war was brewing. My mind’s attack:
I don’t really love him, I’m just confused, what about Gage, Eric’s in the past, he doesn’t love me, nothing good will come of this, I don’t love him, I’m fooling myself, I got over him years ago, maybe it’s just jealousy, I don’t love him, this has to be a mistake.
My heart countered with:
I love him, I love him, I love him.
It was a stalemate.

“You and Eric used to date, right?”

My eyes popped open. Britt had taken the chair beside me that Lexi had vacated. Mari was asleep on my other side and Lacey and Lexi were talking in the pool. It seemed like Britt had carefully chosen that moment to pop her question.

“A long time ago.” I stared at the clear blue water in the pool and wondered if Eric had mentioned it, or Adam.

She was silent for a few minutes, maybe sensing my reticence for this topic. “Is it hard to be around him now, or are you over it?”

I pressed my lips together, not sure it was any of her business. “It’s hard.” I glanced at her and shrugged.

“Adam told me you were engaged.”

Man, she was nosy. I wasn’t sure if she was just out for gossip, or if she really cared.

“Right out of high school. I got scared and called it off.”

Britt nodded. “That’s really young to get married.”

“Exactly what my aunt said. And my dad. They didn’t approve. They didn’t think I was ready to get married and deal with the real world.”

“And you?” She tilted her head as she stared at me.

“Me what?”

“Were you ready to get married and deal with the real world?”

“Obviously not.”

“That’s a hard decision for a teenager to make,” she said.

I looked away.

“Eric seems to like Lacey,” she said.

“Yes.”

“And it’s obvious she’s head over heels.”

“Yes.”

I wondered where she was going with this. She raised an eyebrow at me.

“I want him to be happy,” I said. “The past is long over.”

Liar!
my heart screamed.

Britt nodded as if that was what she’d been waiting to hear. “He’s a good guy and he needs someone who will be good to him. I want him to be happy too. Maybe he’s finally ready to take the next step.”

My heart sank, a sudden diminuendo to my earlier crescendo. Obviously Eric wasn’t scared of marriage or commitment. But was he ready to take that step with Lacey? Already?

Even if he was, suddenly, I wasn’t.