Swallows and Amazons (4 page)

TITTY. Roger, have you got a weapon?

ROGER. No. Have you?

TITTY. Yes. I've got two sticks – I mean, pikes. You'd better have one.

She throws him one. He catches it
.

ROGER. Titty?

TITTY. Yes?

ROGER. If anything happens to me, and I don't come through this…

SUSAN
suddenly sounds a loud hoot
.

SUSAN. HOOT!

TITTY. That's the Mate! Come on.

The
SWALLOWS
converge on
SUSAN,
who is examining a patch of grass
.

SUSAN. Someone's been here! Look how flat the grass is.

ROGER (
spotting something
). And look!

He picks up a clasp knife from the floor
.

A clasp knife. A beauty. He must have dropped it. Finders keepers.

SUSAN. Don't be silly, Roger.

JOHN. He can't be far. He can't have taken
Swallow
out to sea or we would have seen her. He must…

There are sudden sounds of a terrifying chanting
.

TITTY. What's that?

JOHN. The camp!

They charge back to the camp. The chanting gets louder
.

Flat on your faces!

They throw themselves to the ground. An arrow whistles over their heads. They dare to look up again
.

ROGER. Do you see what I see?

A tall stick has been driven into the ground in the middle of the camp. There is a Jolly Roger flying from it
.

TITTY. Pirates!

Then they see the two girls from
Amazon (NANCY
and
PEGGY)
in their tents and aiming arrows at them
.

JOHN. In our camp!

ROGER. Take them prisoner!

TITTY. We outnumber them!

NANCY. This means war!

The
AMAZONS
begin to sing, whilst performing a terrifying war dance
.

Song – ‘The Amazon Pirates'

AMAZONS (
chanting
).

Amazons, Amazons, Amazons, Amazons…

THIS MEANS WAR!

(
Singing
.)

Raised by our mama on the banks of the Amazon Delta,

With only the clouds and a four-bedroom house for shelter,

We took to the lake like a duckling takes to water,

Then we took to a life of crime and mindless slaughter,

We're the Amazon Pirates, the Amazon Pirates,

The Amazon Pirates, the Amazon Pirates…

Amazons, Amazons, Amazons, Amazons…

THIS MEANS WAR!

JOHN.

Parley, parley?

Maybe we can talk this through?

AMAZONS.

We swash our buckles and we go looking for trouble on the high seas,

In the darkness we go by the stars.

PEGGY.

I'm a Leo.

NANCY.

I'm a Pisces.

AMAZONS.

When we go into battle we scream and rattle our sabres,

But we're banned from fighting on land cos it frightens the neighbours,

We're the Amazon Pirates, the Amazon Pirates…

JOHN.

Parley, parley, maybe we can talk this through,

Parley, parley, talk with me, I'll talk with you.

PEGGY (
speaking, to
NANCY). What does he mean, ‘Parley'?

Song – ‘Parley'

JOHN.

When captains see the slightest hope of stopping a bloodbath, they

Sheathe their weapons and invoke,

The ancient right of parley.

ROGER.

A parley, Titty, let's do that,

It sounds awfully exciting.

TITTY.

It's where we all sit round and chat,

It's not as good as fighting.

JOHN
and
SUSAN.

Parley, parley, maybe we can talk this through,

Parley, parley, talk with me, I'll talk with you.

JOHN
takes a step towards the
AMAZONS.

JOHN (
speaking
). My name is John Walker, master of the ship
Swallow
. Who are you?

NANCY. I am Nancy Blackett, master and part-owner of the
Amazon
, the terror of the seas. This is Peggy Blackett, Mate.

PEGGY. Her real name is Ruth, but Uncle Jim said that Amazons were ruth-less, so we had to change it…

NANCY. Silence your scurvy tongue, you ninny, or I'll silence it for you!

(
Singing
.)

We've got your ship and all your tents,

We're older and we're bigger,

We hold a pistol to your heads,

I say we pull the trigger.

JOHN.

A little older you my be,

But we're in numbers greater,

Let's have a parley first,

And you can always kill us later.

JOHN, SUSAN
and
ROGER.

Parley, parley, maybe we can talk this through,

Parley, parley, talk with me, I'll talk with you.

TITTY (
speaking
). Where's your shipmate?

NANCY. What shipmate?

TITTY. The Houseboat Man Pirate, of course.

JOHN (
stepping in quickly
). Hand me that knife you found, Ship's Boy.

ROGER. What knife?

SUSAN. Don't be silly, Roger, give the Captain the knife.

ROGER
does so, reluctantly
.

PEGGY. That's our knife! I must have dropped it.

NANCY. Peggy, you donkey!

PEGGY. That knife was given to us by Uncle Jim last year, for polishing the cannon on his houseboat.

TITTY. You mean, the Houseboat Man is your uncle?

PEGGY. Only sometimes.

TITTY. But if he's their uncle, they must be in league with him!

ROGER. Yes!

NANCY. We jolly well aren't.

PEGGY. He's our mortal enemy.

SUSAN. He's ours too.

PEGGY. What?

TITTY. But…

JOHN. Be quiet, Titty. All weapons down, everyone.

They all throw their weapons into a pile on the ground
.

PEGGY (
singing
).

It seems we're all on the same side.

SUSAN.

So what's the good in fighting?

JOHN.

Our purposes are intertwined.

ROGER.

We're better off uniting.

TITTY.

But no, they just invaded us,

We must defend our island.

AMAZONS.

Our island!

NANCY.

This is our camp.

PEGGY.

This is our island.

AMAZONS.

We've been coming here for years.

NANCY.

We marked the harbour.

PEGGY.

Built the fireplace.

AMAZONS

With our own blood, sweat and tears!

TITTY (
speaking
). Oh. Parley, then?

She throws her weapon down. The
AMAZONS
begin to chant
.

SWALLOWS (
singing
).

Parley, parley, maybe we can talk this through,

Parley, parley, talk with me, I'll talk with you.

AMAZONS.

Amazon parley, parley, parley,

Amazon parley, parley, parley.

SWALLOWS.

Parley, parley, maybe we can talk this through,

Parley, parley, talk with me, I'll talk with you.

SUSAN (
speaking
). Hadn't we better sit down?

They do so
.

JOHN. So, you claim this is your island?

NANCY. It is. We discovered it and we named it. What do you call it?

JOHN. We haven't given it a name yet.

PEGGY. It's called Wildcat Island. Uncle Jim called it that because it belongs to us and he says we're a pair of wildcats. Which we are.

JOHN. But it's our island now. It was uninhabited when we came, and we put our tents up here.

NANCY. And I say it's ours. And we'll defend it to the death.

ROGER. So will we.

SUSAN. Be quiet, Roger.

TITTY. And do you swear that the Houseboat Man Pirate isn't with you?

PEGGY. Of course he isn't.

JOHN. He didn't take
Swallow
?

NANCY. What? You think he would have the guts for that kind of fearsome piracy?

PEGGY. We took her.

ROGER. You? Give her back!

NANCY. We waited until you left the beach and then we struck. Quick as lightning!

SUSAN. I don't think you should have done that.

PEGGY. We were very careful with her. Mum always says we have to leave things as we find them because…

NANCY. Silence, you ninny.

JOHN. We'd like our ship back. Now, if possible.

NANCY. Oh, you'll get her back. When the time is right.

JOHN
and
SUSAN
exchange glances, uncertain how to deal with this
.

SUSAN. Would you like a glass of lemonade?

PEGGY. Lemonade?

TITTY. She means rum.

NANCY. All right. Don't mind if we do. Piracy is thirsty work.

SUSAN
goes to fetch the lemonade
.

TITTY. Is your Uncle Jim a retired pirate?

NANCY (
cautiously
). It's quite a good thing for him to be.

TITTY. And you are pirates too. I still think that's very suspicious.

NANCY. Pirates can be mortal enemies. He could be Captain Flint!

PEGGY. Yes.

ROGER. Who is Captain Flint?

TITTY. He was Captain of the pirate ship
Walrus
. He buried his treasure and slaughtered all six of his crew.

PEGGY. He cut their legs off!

NANCY. One day we'll make him walk the plank off the deck of his own ship.

ROGER. We'll help. Down with Captain Flint!

JOHN. He hates us. He's been stirring up the barbarians against us.

TITTY. But why is he your enemy? If he's your uncle?

PEGGY. Because he's ignoring us. Last summer he played with us… I mean, we saw him all the time. But this year someone's making him write a book and he keeps telling us to leave him alone.

ROGER. Charming.

PEGGY. We've offered to help and everything but he just tells us to go away.

SUSAN
is back with the lemonade and mugs
.

SUSAN. Here we are. Luckily Mother made us pack six mugs in case of breakages.

PEGGY. Our mugs aren't mugs, they're flagons.

TITTY. Yes. Ours are flagons too.

NANCY. So this morning, do you know what we did? We got an old firework out of the shed…

PEGGY. A gigantic banger.

NANCY. Then we lit it and threw it onto the roof of his boat.

SUSAN. Onto the roof of his boat? But…

PEGGY. And then we rowed away, really really fast.

NANCY. It couldn't have banged better.

ROGER. We heard it!

JOHN. We certainly did.

TITTY. We thought it was his cannon.

NANCY. I bet it made him savage.

JOHN. He was standing on deck shaking his fist when we were sailing up to Rio after you.

NANCY. Rio? Rio? We'll call it Rio if you like. It's a good name.

SUSAN. So is Wildcat Island.

NANCY. I propose an alliance.

ROGER. Good idea!

JOHN. What sort of alliance?

NANCY. An alliance against Captain Flint and all the grownups in the world.

ROGER. Barbarians, you mean.

TITTY. Except Queen Isabella.

NANCY. But we want the sort of alliance that will let us fight each other if we want to.

TITTY. That's a Treaty of Offence and Defence. There are lots of those in history books.

NANCY. Yes. Defence against our enemies, and all sorts of desperate battles between ourselves whenever we want. What do you say, Captain?

JOHN
glances at the others, then
–

JOHN. I agree.

NANCY. Spit and swear!

JOHN. What, sorry?

PEGGY. Spit and swear!

NANCY
spits on her hand and holds it out
. JOHN
glances at
SUSAN,
and then does the same. The others follow suit
– SUSAN
most reluctantly
.

NANCY. That seals it. Now we need to drink to it.

They raise their glasses
.

PEGGY. Swallows and Amazons for ever and death to Uncle Jim!

NANCY. Captain Flint, you chump-headed galoot!

PEGGY. If I'm a chump-headed galoot, you're a pox-faced poltroon!

NANCY. And you're a scurvy swab!

PEGGY. And you're a smelly old pig!

SUSAN. Stop fighting.

PEGGY. Why?

SUSAN. Because it's just not a very nice thing to do.

PEGGY. But Amazons do whatever they want to.

ROGER. Crikey.

NANCY (
suddenly
). Swallows and Amazons for ever! And death to Captain Flint!

ALL. Swallows and Amazons for ever and death to Captain Flint!

NANCY. Now swig!

They all do so
.

But look here, before we fight Captain Flint, let's try to capture each other's ships. Then the ship who wins shall be flagship for the great battle against Captain Flint, and her Captain will be Commodore of the whole fleet.

TITTY. I like that!

ROGER. Capture each other's ships?

NANCY. Yes. Beginning tomorrow. We only win if we get
Swallow
into our boathouse. And you win if you get
Amazon
into your harbour.

JOHN. Agreed.

ROGER. We'll win!

PEGGY. We'll see about that.

AMAZONS. Lolololololololololololo!

As they utter their war cry, the
AMAZONS
head off. The others follow behind them, until only
ROGER
is left
.

ROGER. Crikey.

ROGER
runs after them
.

Scene Ten

Late the same day. It has grown dark
.

JOHN. We're going to the harbour for a night council.

ROGER. Night council! Night council!

SUSAN. It's getting terribly late, John.

JOHN. This won't take too long. Get the hammer, Roger.

ROGER. Hammer!

ROGER
picks up the hammer
.

SUSAN. We really ought to go to bed. Especially Roger.

ROGER. I'm not sleepy.

JOHN. I had an idea this afternoon. An important idea.

TITTY. To help us win the war?