Surviving Love (Montana Wilds Book 1) (11 page)

S
ara moaned pleasantly
as she snuggled deeper into the masculine body that spooned her. Swirls of sunlight filtered into the room through sheer drapes, highlighting the dust motes as they lazily floated around the room. She traced a finger on Phil’s forearm as a smile lingered on her face.

When had he become so affectionate? They hadn’t cuddled in years. Years and years. Almost since they started having sex. He’d always said it made him too hot.

A hardening bulge pushed against her sex, nudging her inner thigh. Hmm, so large. She remembered the feel of that length filling her up in ways she’d never experienced before. Sensations accosting her that she didn’t know how to digest. So deep. So loving. So unlike Phil.

Her eyes snapped open.

Oh no.

Her head jerked to the side. A handsome face snuggled comfortably into her neck, a pleasant smile lingering on those full, extremely kissable lips.

What have I done?

A thrill pierced her.

She’d had sex with Mikey. She’d used him. She’d stopped thinking, felt lost and confused, felt like the usual trash, and tried to force intimacy so she didn’t have to live with the pain.

She’d used Mikey. For sex.

Lead filled her chest. Breathing became laborious.

How could she do it? He’d said he loved her. This wasn’t an escape of the pain of a breakup for him. And she’d taken advantage of him. Like an unfeeling monster!

Plus… it was
Mikey!
Almost a brother.

I have so totally screwed up!

She eased out of bed as her eyes scanned the ground in near panic. What would she say? He didn’t deserve what she had done.

The guilt intensified, curling her insides into a tight, painful ball. She couldn’t feel that way toward him. He just wasn’t that kind of guy in her head. He was a close and dear friend. Family.

Almost hyperventilating, she snatched her undies and pulled them on, remembering something else.

Dread like she’d never known pierced her. They hadn’t used protection. She wasn’t on the pill.

Oh no!

“Hey, uh, Mike? Mikey?”

His beautiful spun-honey eyes blinked open. He glanced in front of him where she’d been a moment before, and then focused in on her. He never once glanced down to her exposed chest; his eyes stayed rooted to hers. He pushed up onto his elbow, the sheet falling down his broad, defined chest and resting low on trim hips. She could make out his hipbone, knowing that right beneath the blanket line was his—

“So, uh, good morning.” She scrubbed her hand through her hair. “Um. I was wondering. C-can you take me to the pharmacy?”

His brow furrowed, his stare intensifying. He did glance down now, but not to her nakedness. To her abdomen. His gaze zipped back to hers again. Guilt flashed across his face. “They don’t sell after-the-fact contraception in this state. I should’ve asked. I just… I should’ve been worried about it at the time.”

Anxiety washed through Sara. She shook her head. “Not your fault. Shit.”

Her mind whirled as she left the room, heading downstairs for her dress. Mikey was behind her a moment later, his grace bespeaking his prowess with martial arts. And other things.

“You do know martial arts, don’t you?” she asked to scrub out that last thought as she slipped on her dress. “I just assumed.”

“What?”

Yes, that did come out of the blue.

“Okay, well.” She turned to face him. She suddenly had no idea what to say. Where to go from here. She dropped her gaze from those soft, expectant eyes. “So, could I have a ride? I need to get back.”

“Sara, about last night. Look, I know you’re not ready for anything real yet. I know you’re still getting over your ex. I get that. I just couldn’t say no. That was my fault. I should’ve. But nothing changes. Nothing has to change.”

She glanced up and met his remorseful, pleading eyes. Confusion washed over her. He was family. And last night, he’d covered up her pain.

She was such a shit.

Her lungs deflated with a strange sense of loss. “Totally. Absolutely. I shouldn’t have pushed. It wasn’t fair for you.”

“About the no-contraception issue,” he said without embarrassment, “let me know if something comes of this. I’ll take care of it. Everything. You, a baby, anything. Please don’t worry in silence, okay? I’m involved.”

Anxiety once again ate away at her middle. “No problem. I’m sure it’s fine.”

He nodded like he wanted to say more, like he might reinforce his sentiments from last night, but he held back. She nearly cried in frustration at his wounded look as he turned away to finish getting dressed.

If there was a God, He would be so severely pissed at how she’d screwed up His helping hand. Not that she’d blame Him.

A
half-hour later
, Sara trudged into her shared room wearing Mikey’s sweats and T-shirt. Not finding Christie, she quickly took a shower and changed, and headed out to the pit where breakfast was probably being cleared away by the reserve staff—the people called in every so often to give the regular staff a break. She found Christie sitting on a log somewhat removed, thankfully on her own. Christie looked up from her book as Sara walked up.

“Where were
you
last night?” Christie said with an evil grin, scooting over so Sara could sit down. “Last I heard, Mike went back to make sure you were okay, and Jake said you’d be looked after and drove off.”

At Sara’s dour look, confusion and doubt stole Christie’s expression. “Was it Duke? What happened?”

“No, it wasn’t Duke. Well, I mean, yes, Duke tried to waylay me and Mikey took care of it, but…” Sara sighed, guilt eating away at her again. She went through each detail of the night before, explaining the end result apologetically. When she was done, she hunched on the log. “I know you liked him. Kind of a crappy move to… you know. I wasn’t really thinking. About that or much of anything.”

Christie rubbed Sara’s back. “I knew I wouldn’t get him—he’s looked at you like treasure since in that barn. But you still think of him as a friend? Is that what’s wrong? Because otherwise this kind of seems like a good thing.”

Sara drooped. “I just… I woke up and it all totally sank in. About Phil—the ex. Up until last night, he was the only man I’d ever slept with. That I’ve ever known intimately. Being with someone else drove home that the split is completely done. I guess in the back of my mind I wondered if Phil would come back. I moved out here to run away from the pain, but still kind of holding on to it at the same time. I’m just… I’m not healed. I’m not ready for anyone else. And then being with the guy I think of as a kid…”

Sara dropped her head into her hands as Christie said, “You do need time to heal, yes. You need to work on
you
. That’s step one. But, Sara, as far as Mike… I mean, he’s
not
your brother. And he’s not a little kid. Just hang around him more and get to know him
now
, instead of constantly working off memories. At least keep the friendship strong, you know? He’s a really good guy—he’d give you time.”

Sara nodded miserably. He would, because he was the best sort of man on earth. Or maybe… just the best, full stop.

B
ut in the
weeks that followed, she didn’t hang around him. Or answer his texts. She avoided him, if she was being honest. Him, definitely Duke, and sometimes Sam. She put her head down and did her job, trying to ignore the pain. Trying to block out the confusion and guilt with her choices lately, and trying to push away her inadequacies in regards to Phil. Any chance to work on the ranch had her raising her hand, except when it involved one of the aforementioned men.

Jake saw her often, never saying much, as usual, but often leading her into Mikey’s path. She had the distinct impression they were in cahoots. Didn’t matter, though. In her current state of self-imposed isolation, she ignored Mikey’s tracking stare and the corresponding flush of unease at her behavior. She also ignored the tingles that worked up her body, remembering the feel of him. Remembering the sensations and emotions of that night. Missing him on such a deep level it couldn’t be natural.

Life had turned on its ear, and she wasn’t ready to figure out how to right it.

On Monday, two weeks after her night with Mikey, she found herself at the fence line with Simon and Paul, hammering the wire back onto the posts.

“I didn’t think I’d be doing this all season,” Simon complained as he struggled with a kink in the wire. “I thought I was signing up for a day—two, tops.”

“It’s a huge ranch. There’s a lot of fence to repair,” Sara said absently as she hammered.

“What I want to know is, where’s Jake?” Paul grumbled, pausing to wipe his forehead. “Why should we work this hard when he doesn’t have to?”

“He’ll be around later, he said. This stupid danged fence won’t act like normal!” Simon let out a frustrated yell and pushed at the wire. Which just bounded back at him. “Why don’t they hire someone for this? It sucks!”

Sara straightened up with a sigh, inspecting her work. The nails stuck out crookedly before they bent across the wire, attaching it to the post. Regardless, it worked; it did the job it was supposed to do. She kneaded her back and stepped away from Paul, who’d worked in too close to inspect her handiwork.

“Yeah, that looks pretty good.” Paul nodded approvingly.

“You wanna help me here, since you’re such an expert?” Simon asked with a frustrated scowl.

Before Paul could retort, they heard the whine of a Jeep crawling up the hill toward them. Thinking it was Jake, all three quickly bent forward to the fence again. If anyone didn’t look busy enough, Jake got crazy ideas about needing more work.

“You Sara?” they heard as the Jeep neared.

Sara turned, using a gloved hand to block the glare of the sun so she could see the driver. One of the triangle boys sat in the front seat with a mop of brown hair and a patient gaze. She’d seen him around, but never spoken to him.

At her nod, he said, “Cool. I’m supposed to take you up to the survival expert. He needs a hand, and his usual guy is sick or something.”

Her chest tightened and her stomach turned over. “Why me?”

The driver shrugged. “I just do what I’m told, ma’am. Supposed to take you up. That’s all I know.”

“You’d better go—that Frost guy is the king of the mountain. What he needs, he gets.” Paul braced his fists on his hips, his forgotten hammer dangling from his belt. “Good for your career, helping
him
out. They’ll let you come back next year even though you’re way too old to be doing this sorta seasonal work.”

Sara shot Paul an irritated glance.

“Shouldn’t mention age to a lady, kid.” The triangle guy, probably a couple years younger than Sara, but still a couple older than Paul, smirked. “You’ll get a right wallop if you do that.”

“A wallop? Who are you, John Wayne?” Sara mumbled, turning back to survey their progress. They still had a few holes to patch up, and she was the best worker of the three.

“Can’t someone else do it? Paul wants to, take him,” she hedged.

The driver shook his head. “Told to bring you. I have a few things to do after, so if you don’t mind, please, let’s get moving.”

“You should go,” Paul agreed with a nodding head. “You shouldn’t keep Frost waiting. He’s pretty important—”

“Yes, I get it,” Sara said, stepping toward Simon to deliver her borrowed hammer and gloves. “I’m going, I’m going.”

“A right wallop.” The kid in the Jeep snickered.

“And he won’t be the only one.” Sara glowered in warning.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She sat up into the Jeep and flailed as it jerked to a start. She knew better than to glance around hurriedly for a seatbelt—if it had one, it hadn’t ever been used, and chances were she’d just look silly trying to find both ends. Instead, she confusedly took a strip of black cloth from the driver after he changed gears.

“What do I do with this?” she asked.

“You’re not supposed to see where you go.”

“You want me to blindfold myself? I’m in the car with a stranger, and you think I’m going to make myself into a hostage? Have you lost your mind?”

The kid laughed. “Firecracker, huh? Well, I reckon I wouldn’t neither. I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“Where are we going, anyway?”

“Up the mountain, some. I’m Noah, by the way. Haven’t had the pleasure.” He stuck out a calloused hand.

She shook it, and then snatched her hand back when the vehicle bounced over a rock before creeping onto a dirt road. The vehicle had no doors or roof, so there wasn’t much to hold on to. Nor much to keep her from bouncing right out. Hand shaking could wait.

“You helping out May and Dan at the house, huh? They keepin’ you busy?” Noah asked, directing the vehicle with ease.

“Yes.” Sara reached forward to brace her hand against the old dash. “They’re really nice.”

“Yup, they’re good people. Would give you the shirt off their back. I could move on, now, and get more money. Get a bigger job. But they’re good to work for. And I learn a ton here. I’ll probably stay on for a few more years. This your first season?”

“Yes it is. I thought Mikey did all his classes on the ranch?”

“Don’t know, ma’am. I’m just doing what I’m told—running the precious cargo, so to speak.”

“Ah.” Sara had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wasn’t looking forward to this reunion.

“
A
ll right
, man.” Mike heaved himself out of the truck and patted his person. He had his knife, good shoes, and the clothes on his back—the only things he couldn’t do without. Whatever was in his pockets would be a surprise and a bonus.

He looked at Jake across the cab. “I messed up with her. Bad. I became that rebound you warned me about.”

It was the first time he had admitted it. He knew Jake suspected something had gone wrong, but guys on the ranch didn’t make a habit of going around talking about feelings and relationships. Until it got dire, anyway.

It was long past dire.

“She won’t even look at me. We had a great thing that night, but come the morning, she came to her senses. I didn’t. It’s all screwed up.”

Jake put a hand on his thigh and grunted.

“No, I wasn’t thinking with this…” Mike tapped his temple. “Couldn’t. Not when…”

Jake reached up to the dash and grabbed a tin. He pulled off the lid and pinched some brown chewing tobacco. After he put it in his lip and got it situated, he said, “She’s lost. Lost her herd, in a new place—she needs someone to show her the way. Needs a firm hand to guide her.”

Mike dropped his head and leaned against the truck. “I can’t get close enough to make it happen. She sees me and she goes running.”

“You’re an excellent tracker. Great with the wild mustangs.”

Always with the horse references. Mike shook his head. “She doesn’t see me clearly. She still thinks I’m that nine-year-old first kiss.”

“Firm hand. She needs a man. Not a boy.”

“What am I supposed to do, rough her up and show her who’s boss?” Mike slammed the door.

“You’ve got velvet gloves on. She doesn’t need gentle. She’s battling. Needs a running mate. Needs a man to lean on, not a soft sissy boy to mope and cry with her,” Jake said through the opened window. He paused a moment, letting that last tidbit sink in. After Mike tilted his head in acknowledgement, Jake finished with, “Have a gud’un. Don’t get dead.”

The engine roared to life, and the old truck took off down the hill. After taking a moment to blink after it, Mike turned around in a circle. He had a vague idea of what part of the state he was in, but no knowledge of which way was best to go to find civilization.

This survival episode couldn’t have come at a worse time. Montana in the late summer wasn’t remotely as severe as the jungle, or Alaska in the fall, but he’d have four days to think about what had gone wrong with Sara. Four full days and nights of being trapped in his head, wondering how he’d salvage this. How he’d man up and take control.

Didn’t Jake understand that the girl was as bossy as all get-out when she got riled up? And how was he supposed to say no to her demands when she looked at him with those soft, tear-filled eyes? Impossible. Sometimes all a man wanted in life was to see the love of his life smile. And Sara did have a beautiful smile.

Shaking his head to get back on track, he moved toward the tree line and took a look around. The sun was in the late afternoon sky, which meant he had about five hours to get some sort of shelter for the night. He also needed to find a water source, get a fire going so he could boil the water to make it drinkable, and think about finding food.

A lot to do with limited daylight.

Emptying his pockets revealed the cloth from the blindfold he’d worn on the car ride, a few receipts, some coins, and a beer cap. He unslung a small pack from his shoulder, something he would’ve been carrying as a hiker—his scenario for this survival exploration. He was putting himself in the position of a hiker lost in the wilds of unfamiliar Montana. To that end, he had his large serrated knife, a water bottle half-filled with water, an extra fleece, a half package of trail mix, a flashlight, and insect repellent. Not a whole lot.

“Okay. Time to get going,” he announced to the wilderness.

He wandered farther into the tree line and heard a motored whine from the direction he’d walked. Thinking Jake had forgotten something, even though that vehicle didn’t sound like his, he paused and turned back.

“
A
ll right
, here you are.” Noah reached in the back and hauled out a fanny pack. “Take this and head to the north.” Noah indicated which direction that was. “He should be right past the tree line.”

“A fanny pack? Really? Did you rob this off of an eighty-year-old male tourist?”

He smirked. “I didn’t pick it.”

She stepped out of the Jeep. “So… he’s in the trees?”

“Yup. I gotta scoot.”

“Um… okay.” Clutching her fanny pack, she slowly walked toward the trees as Noah waved goodbye and took off.

Her stomach flipped as she prepared herself for this meetup. In all reality, she really should explain herself. She needed to let him know where she was coming from. Her behavior had been atrocious and completely selfish—that needed to be amended with an explanation.

Taking a big breath, she ducked around some branches and spied him about fifty yards up, facing her. The familiar feelings of comfort and joy at seeing him rushed into her body.

She’d hated the last two weeks without him. He’d been on her mind constantly—wondering what he was doing, wanting to sit with him, or talk. But her shame had kept her away. She’d used him to feel good about herself—to feel desired and loved. And because he hated to see her upset, he’d gone along with it. He’d given in to her to keep her happy. He was the best sort of man alive, and she just hadn’t been able to face him. She just couldn’t shake the grossness of having sex with Mikey.
Mikey!
He was her brother in everything but blood. They’d bathed together, changed together, slept in the same bed—they were
kids
!
She just couldn’t fathom having sex with…

She shivered. She hadn’t wanted to get involved with any guy, and she went and did the unspeakable with the most important man in her life.

Why do I keep making these mistakes?

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he walked closer, his eyes scanning the direction she’d come.

As his words sank in, she glanced around them. They stood in a small clearing surrounded by lush green foliage. Birdsong carried on the soft breeze with the pleasant smell of fresh air. Behind the soundtrack of nature, though, was silence.

“Where is everyone?” she asked as her brow rumpled. “I thought you needed me for a demonstration…”

“Who brought you here?” he asked suddenly, grabbing her arm and turning her back the way she had come.

“Noah. You didn’t ask for me?”

“Noah? Did he say who sent him?”

He pushed out through the tree line, and his gaze scanned the area, eventually pointing in the direction the Jeep had gone. The Jeep’s tracks led down grassy hillside, disappearing below the ridge.

He snatched the fanny pack out of her hand and opened it up. He rifled through it, and worry crept into his expression as he finally pulled out a folded piece of paper. Sara saw the words as he opened it up:
Here’s a little present for you. Don’t worry, I let Dan know you were taking his prize helper on your retreat. She’s all yours. Let’s see if you’re as good as they say you are when the stakes are raised. Duke.

“Shit!” Mike crumpled the note in his hand and braced to throw it. Instead, he paused, and then slowly lowered his arm. In defeat, he turned to her. “I didn’t ask for you, no. Not that I don’t always want you around—I do. But this isn’t a training session. It’s a survival situation. I’m on my own out here.”

“What does that mean? Can’t we just hike back? I have my good shoes on.” Sara lifted a foot to show him her hiking boots, knowing, even as she’d said it, that the long car ride through sparse landscape hinted at the answer.

“Yes, we can. But we’re dozens of miles from the ranch, or even any sort of civilization. We still need to find water, food…” Mikey’s jaw clenched and his body flexed, as he struggled for control. He took two steps away and swore. “He’s put you in an extremely dangerous position, and he knows it. I should’ve known. I should’ve
known
standing up to him would just make things worse for you.
Damn it!
”

“Wait.” Sara looked around at the trees, then out at the rolling hills. She glanced at him, seeing no backpacks or sleeping bags, and then down at herself, dressed in daywear with no supplies of any kind. She’d camped before, but she’d brought a trunk full of stuff. If what Mikey said was true, this would be four days with… nothing. No toothbrush, change of clothes, snacks…
nothing!

“No one’s going to come back for me tonight?” She couldn’t hide the desperation in her voice.

Mikey watched her calmly, no doubt reading her slow slide into realization. “If Dan thinks I asked for you, he won’t come looking for four days. He won’t try to find us. He’ll think I know what I’m doing. We’ll try to get found as soon as possible, obviously, but not many come out this way.”

“But how’d you get up here? Don’t you know where you are?” she asked desperately, looking in the direction the Jeep had gone.

“A friend of mine owns this land. I know the area of the county, but he owns hundreds of acres. I have no idea exactly where I am, and even if I did, it’s at least a few-day hike to civilization. At least. We’re in the thick of it now.”

She faced him with a slack jaw, the fear of the great wide open gnawing at her. “This is like when we were kids and got lost. I was terrified.”

I
am
terrified,
she thought.

He put his hand up, fingers spread, palm facing her. His beautiful spun-honey gaze delved into her, solid and resolute. Without thinking about what happened two weeks ago, she quickly put her palm against his and entwined their fingers, needing his touch.

In a soft, calm voice, he said, “Montana in the summer is a walk in the park. Sara. I will get us out of this, okay? I will take care of you.”

His confidence descended on her like a blanket. The warmth of his hand and the comfort of his voice—she felt herself relax. Whatever happened between them, or would happen, this was still her Mikey. He was capable and assured, able to tackle the world if he wanted to. She trusted him completely.

“Okay,” she said, closing her eyes for a moment. She felt that sweet electricity surging between them, as pleasant as it was familiar.

He was an expert, but she didn’t need to be dead weight. She needed to summon her courage and rise to the challenge—to help him in any way she could.

“Okay,” she repeated, this time with a deep breath. She opened her eyes and stepped away, glancing around them. “What’s first?”

A tiny smile quirked his lips, his eyes starting to sparkle through his concern. “That’s my girl. Fearless.”

“Let’s not push it.”

His smile burned brighter before determination and keen intelligence took over his expression. “Okay, time to get to it.”

Authority and competency surrounded him like an aura. He was thoroughly in charge and unquestionably in control. Her chest got tight and her heart started to thump, now staring at him in fascination.

He gestured her to sit and followed her down, reaching for her fanny pack. “First thing we need to do is pool our resources.” He dug into the fanny pack and brought out the items as he verbally checked them off a list he was compiling in his head. “Swiss Army knife, toilet paper, and…
excellent—”

Mikey took out a can that looked like a miniature fire extinguisher. “Bear spray. It looks like Duke doesn’t want you dying out here. At least there’s that.”

“Bear spray?” she asked with a hint of alarm. Obviously she’d known there were bears in Montana, but until that moment, she hadn’t considered that she’d be spending time in their home. Without shelter. Or door handles.

“Are they hostile?” she asked, stupidly. “I mean… they only eat fish, right? And berries. Not human fingers and toes…”

“They don’t generally eat meat. But bears are wild animals—if they feel threatened, they
will
attack. If we meet one, we want to make sure it doesn’t feel threatened. Okay, empty those pockets.”

“Oh—” Sara patted her fleece before extracting some used tissue. Her jeans pocket had the key to her room, which she handed over. She patted her butt pocket and felt the maxi pad she hadn’t had to use yet.

As if her pocket was on fire, she yanked her hand away. “That’s it.”

A keen gaze studied her. “What’s in that back pocket?”

“Nothing. It’s just…”

He put out his hand and waggled his fingers. “Hand it over. It’s just you and me and the wilds of Montana, Sara. We don’t keep secrets from each other out here. A secret might get someone killed.”

A bit dramatic…

Reluctantly, she pulled out the pad, her face flaming red as she embarrassedly handed it over.

“Are you on your period?” he asked as he took it.

She didn’t want to tell him she was late. That she should’ve had it three days ago. That she was terrified she was pregnant. So she hedged. “Not yet.”

His focus didn’t waver. “When is it due?”

“Why are you so worried about my menstrual cycle, Mikey? It’s embarrassing to talk about this with a guy. I’m not on it—move on.”

“A woman on her period in the wild can be a messy and dangerous affair. I’m sure I don’t have to describe the reason it’s messy, but it’s dangerous because of the blood. We don’t need to attract more attention from predators. We’ll need to take special precautions should you start. Outside of the wild, I’m only worried about blood when its loss will result in death. Since a menstrual cycle only results in bad moods, it’s not usually a problem. Don’t be embarrassed. When is it due?”

“Any day,” she answered dourly, staring at the ground.

Silence hung heavy between them, stuffed with words unsaid. She could feel his look, staring a hole into the top of her head. She knew he wanted to ask about it, or assure her of his part in it, or a million things he’d do because he was a good guy. But she wasn’t ready to face that possibility. She wasn’t ready to contemplate taking care of a defenseless human being when she couldn’t even take care of herself. She was only a few days late—it wasn’t real yet. Besides, it was probably just stress. She’d been a couple days late before due to stress. That had to be it.