Survival (Twisted Book 1) (17 page)

I snuck up behind him but he must have heard me. He threw his arm out to keep me back. A quick look back with his finger over his lips and I was silenced.

He was listening to something.

I listened.

I couldn’t hear anything.

The kitchen sounded quiet. Maybe Oliver was playing soldiers with his friends. I could see the brownies on the counter and jumped out from behind the door to go and get one.

“Hi Mum, hi Dad.”

I grabbed a brownie for me and a brownie for Oliver and left the kitchen. I shrugged when I gave it to him and left to find Rosie. She had just asked to ride my new bike. I should have said no.

Oliver ran past me and climbed the ladder for the tree house Dad had built us.

Weirdo.

Shiver me timbers. Let’s sail the seven seas…or the English Channel on the way to Jersey. We could have gone anywhere…nothing was removing the smile on my face.

October 16
th
, 2010.

“Perfect day to catch a ferry.”

Thomas handed me a coffee and caged me in his arms with his hands on the railings. I turned so my back was against his front and couldn’t resist the tease.

“That makes you sound old.”

“I am old. Perhaps you should trade me in for a newer model.”

“Not happening. You’re not getting off that easy.”

He kissed my neck and I rested my head on his chest.

It was a perfect day. The sky was clear and the sun was shining; it was almost too windy to hear yourself think and the water was choppy enough to turn the strongest stomachs to mush, but it was
perfect.

Our night in the hotel was amazing. We hadn’t fucked like animals and we hadn’t made love. It was more than that. As his hands held mine and the rhythm of his hips sent
me to paradise, we connected more than we ever had. I loved him with all my heart and if he didn’t, and never would, want to start a family with me, we would always have us. It was overwhelming, the realisation that after years of rejection and loneliness, I finally believed in forever. It was because of Thomas. He made me feel alive.

“I kind of want to take you right here,” he breathed in my ear, heating my blood as the cold air swept wildly around us.

Horny. He made me feel alive and horny.

“Keep it in your pants, sweetheart.”

With a secret smile, I nudged my backside into him, just a little.

We said nothing as we looked out at the cloudless sky and
choppy water, and stood comfortably together, like we had since Day One.

***

“AAAH!”

Ava squealed as we climbed out of the taxi and ran towards us with outstretched arms.

She hugged Thomas first as he pulled our bags from the boot and then her little arms caged me in with more strength than I expected.

“I’m so glad we’re finally doing this!” She pulled me off towards the house and Thomas followed.

“Thank you for having us.”

“Are you kidding?” She turned to me with infectious excitement. “When Tom called, I almost
peed my pants. You’ll love Jersey and the boys will be so happy to see you.”

“Where are they?” I tried not to laugh, I really did, but one look back at Thomas as he shook with silent laughter and climbed the stairs with our stuff, and the laugh wanted to projectile out.

“Kev took them to play football. There’s a park across the road and they go every Saturday for some boy time,” she flipped the switch for the kettle. “He’s been so busy at work, he hasn’t seen them much lately.”

“Must be tough,” I tried to stop my mind wandering as Ava set about making tea and Thomas joined us in the kitchen. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and grabbed the milk from the fridge.

“Something smells good.”

“I’m doing a hot buffet for lunch. It’s a nice day so I thought we could sit in the garden.”

“I’ll make a salad.”

“Oh, no you don’t,” she pushed him away from the sink. “No touching my kitchen.”

Thomas laughed and carried on washing his hands. Ava tried to push him away. I smiled. I liked watching them together. They reminded me of Oliver and me. For the first time in a long time the pain didn’t overshadow the remembrance. For the first time ever, I thought about my brother and smiled; because I missed him, because I loved him, because I knew he’d be happy for me.

“You’re a guest,” Ava finally managed to move him from the sink and swatted his arm when he flicked water in her face. “But you can lay the table. The boys will be back soon.”

Lunch was delicious and we sat back and watched the boys on the climbing frame as we sipped Prosecco.

“Can I help you clean up?” I prepared to stand with Ava as she cleared the plates.

“No
. Have another glass and relax. I’ll take you into town later.”

As soon as she spoke, there was a bump followed by a child’s cry. We all looked up to see five-year-old Tommy running towards us with his hand on his head.

Thomas opened his arms, but the little blonde cherub stopped in front of me and tugged the sleeve of my cardigan. I panicked. What was I supposed to do?

I lifted him onto my lap and he buried his face in my neck as he cried.

“What did you do, Tommy?” I asked, aware that the adults were watching me. I didn’t know why he came to me, either.

“I fell off my monkey bars,” he wailed in response.

“You did? I bet you broke the floor.”

He giggled through the tears, sniffed and sat up so I could sneakily check for a bump.

“Let’s go see…Jake, help me see if your brother broke the floor.”

Jake slid down the slide as I carried Tommy over to the climbing frame. Both boys crouched down and inspected the grass. Thank the grass lords there was a little grassless patch under the bars.

“You see?”

“Oh no!”
Tommy shrieked while Jake pointed and laughed. “My head is fine now.”

“I know. You’re tough.”

I gave his head another stroke to make sure he hadn’t grown a golf ball and headed back to the table. Thomas cocked his head as he looked at me, Ava was inside and Kevin was watching the boys.

“What?” I asked when he continued to stare.

“Good job,” Kevin interrupted. “He normally cries for the rest of the day.”

“Sometimes distraction is the best form of comfort.”

Thomas reached for my hand and I squeezed his, but I didn’t need the comfort. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t hurting.

***

“Is it weird that I think of you as a sister?”

I looked up from pouring sugar in my vanilla latte to find Ava staring at me. I wondered if my warped sense of comfort and my sudden craving for a family made me imagine she had said that. I hadn’t. She was looking at me like a hopeful child.

“Why would it be weird?
” I smiled through the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat.

“I always wanted a sister. Thomas was fun, but he was a goofball. We couldn’t talk boys or clothes or anything else,” I just nodded. I could confide in Beth
and
Oliver, about anything. “I always wanted a sister…I feel like I’ve found one in you.”

I felt my lip tremble. I tried to control it, but I couldn’t. I cried. Ava scooted her chair next to mine and wrapped her arm around me.

“I’m sorry.”

I sniffed and shook my head, “It isn’t bad.”

I composed myself and sat up, accepting the napkin she offered me and dabbed at my eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

She knew, like everyone else, what I had allowed her to know. She knew I had no mother, no father, no sister; she knew I had lost Oliver. She knew I’d had him torn from me before either of us were ready to be parted from the other.

I told Thomas to tell them everything – everything
he
knew – after I met them for the first time.

“I haven’t had a family for a long time. I’ve always wanted to feel accepted, not rejected. Thank you, Ava.”

“You’re part of our family now,” she took my hand and squeezed. “Drink up. There’s an amazing boutique I want to show you.”

We walked the high street arm in arm, window shopping and talking. My phone buzzed constantly in the back pocket of my jeans, but Nina would have to get by without me. I loved the small town life Ava and Kevin had. I could imagine living there with
Thomas, Buster and two or three kids.

“Ava, has Thomas ever spoken about children?”

She shrugged, “Not to me, but we don’t talk about much. I know he loves the boys.”

I got the feeling something wasn’t right. I didn’t have premonitions or the tense feeling people got before something bad happened. I didn’t see my father leaving, my mother disappearing, my sister forgetting I existed, or the death of my brother coming. But I got a feeling then. I tried to quash it; I tried to push it aside – Ava hadn’t said anything to trigger fear, but I was scared. Of what, I didn’t know.

“Hey,” she stepped in front of me and searched my face. “You okay?”

“Sure. I just wondered.”

She led me off towards the afternoon market as it was closing down and the sun was beginning to set behind the old houses and shops.

“Talk to him about it,” she said. “He loves you. I’ve never seen him so happy. If anyone can confide in him, it’s you.”

She rummaged in her bag for her car keys, “He’s just always kind of been a closed book.”

She unlocked the car and we climbed in. She pulled off towards the setting sun, in the direction of her house.

Thomas had never been a closed book with me. He told me everything. He loved me. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t talk to me about.

We arrived back at the house to find chicken hotpot cooked by Kevin on the table. Everyone tucked in, but all I did was watch them. Seven-year-old Jake was shovelling onions onto his brother’s plate. Tommy ate them without noticing, but frowned every time he looked down and noticed his portion was the same size.

Ava was talking to Kevin about our afternoon shopping. He showed the same
level of enthusiasm Thomas did when I talked shopping talk; he listened but wasn’t all that interested, although I could see him mentally undressing her and wondering if she’d bought new underwear. She had. And Thomas was watching me. I couldn’t let things fail. If we did one thing religiously it was communicating. We always talked, and we would…just not during our weekend in Jersey. I smiled to show him everything was fine when he gave me a questioning look. I loved it when he did that. He sucked his top lip into his mouth and frowned. He was adorable. God, I loved him.

Everything would be fine…I knew it.

If pigs could fly, there’d be a
sty in the sky.

October 17
th
, 2010.

“I don’t want to go back to work,” I groaned as the cab turned onto our street.

The weekend had been amazing. We’d all spent Saturday evening on the sofas in front of the gas fire while Ava and Kevin shared the boys’ school stories; I had rested my head on Thomas shoulder while he held me and we listened. The weekend had been perfect, but I had felt myself slipping more than once. I zoned out, went into a trance and had no idea what I was thinking about. Kevin took Thomas to play tennis on Sunday. Thomas wasn’t really a golf man and the triumphant grin and fist pump he gave me when he convinced Kevin to go to the courts instead made me smile. When they left, I sat at the garden table and watched Ava with the boys. I liked to watch. I felt like I had been on the outside looking in for a long time and, although things were different now, I liked to step back and just watch. A mother’s love was a beautiful thing. I remembered when my mother loved me, like the love I saw Ava had for Tommy and Jake; I
knew
she loved me once. It was a question I would never be able to answer. Why, and how, did she just switch it off? I had convinced myself over the years that it was my fault; I must have done something wrong. I just wanted to know what I did. I would feel like a part of me was missing until I knew. I wouldn’t be complete until I knew why my mother had left me, why she had become the person she became.

“You could always take some time off,” Thomas said as he played with my ponytail and I closed my eyes. Why was travelling so exhausting?

“Quit my job?”

“Why not? I make enough money for the both of us.”

“You weirdo.
That’s not the point. I’d get bored.”

“Not if you kept yourself occupied,” a tense silence passed between us before Thomas cleared his throat. “Imagine all the laser tag obstacles you could set up.”

Yes, we liked to play laser tag in the house.