Survival Strategies of the Almost Brave (23 page)

I had never heard Dad say this many words in my whole life.

“That's why I left in the first place, years ago. You know your mom. She could handle everything. A job. A house. Kids. Nothing stressed her out; she didn't need me. So I disappeared. Your mom divorced me. She had custody of you kids. She seemed happier that way.” He smiled. “Your mom could rule the world.”

I held my breath. He was right. Mom was fearless.

“I still don't trust myself,” he said. “Not yet. I promise you, when they found me, I was on my way back to get you. I swear, I was driving back to the gas station to get you.”

“You were driving back to get us after two days?! You thought we would still be sitting there waiting for you?!”

I couldn't listen to another word.

Dad's bloodshot eyes filled with tears. “I know I need help,” he said.

The metal table wobbled. One leg was shorter than the others.

“I'll get help,” Dad said. “Maybe it will work this time.”

Did he think I was an idiot? I had a brain. A cranium that actually worked very well. Who would leave their own children? I mean, some animals did it, but we were not animals. We were humans. Humans knew better.

“You left us,” I said. “Not in a good place. Not in a safe place. At a gas station! You knew you needed help. You could have called Julie.”

“I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't in my right mind. It wasn't me—”

I wanted the tectonics to go away forever. Tears ran down my face. “It
was
you! We loved you. We really tried. You hurt Billie and you left us to dry up and blow away. You left us like we were trash.”

“It wasn't me,” he whispered again.

And so I laid my head on the table and cried like a baby. I cried and cried until I felt really dehydrated. Then I took a sip from the water bottle that sat on the table.

Dad said, “I know. I screwed up, but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't me.” He stared at the table, his hands still shaking.

After a while, all I could hear was my own breathing.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,” Dad said.

And right there, sitting at that table, I made some important observations.

First, I realized I was all cried out.

Second, Dad wasn't really back. Not yet, maybe not ever.

Third, it didn't matter what he said about what had happened. All that mattered is what I told myself. And I told myself that I was better than all of this.

My conclusion: I'd create a new pod. A strong one. Something filled with Billie and me and love.

The shaking inside me quieted. I sat up and looked at him.

This is how I felt:

1. Tired.

2. Relieved.

3. Sort of hungry.

This is what I noticed:

1. The tectonics were gone.

2. Dad looked old and sad.

3. I was ready to go back to Pirate Doctor's hospital to see Billie.

“They told me Julie's coming,” said Dad.

I nodded.

“That's good. A doctor came to see me this morning, but I have to see a court psychologist.” Pirate Doctor's face floated in my brain. “And a judge. They'll decide what's going to happen next.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I'm going to get myself back together. I promise.”

Now I knew how Mom felt all this time.

This was my dad, whether I liked it or not. The good news was that I was a human. And Homo sapiens, in some ways, are much stronger than animals, because we can choose.

And I chose Billie.

Dad sort of smiled at me. “I'm not better. Probably won't be for a little while,” he said. “But I think Julie can take care of you, right?” He held out his hand. It was tan and wrinkled.

Dad didn't know anything about what Julie could do. I stretched my hand out toward his and grabbed it. It felt different. Not soft and warm, like Billie's or Mom's. Just different. Maybe I could get used to it. Maybe.

“Did you go to Four Corners?” I asked.

He shook his head. “To be honest, I don't remember.”

“How long do you have to stay here?”

“Until I can see the judge.”

I imagined Dad sleeping in Officer B's jail cell, and it made me sort of sad to think of him alone. Just like the male killer whale that swims the sea by himself, never to be included in the pod of his whale family.

“Can you ever forgive me?” he asked.

I turned to Officer B, who wasn't even trying to pretend to read the magazine anymore. He watched us like he was watching a movie, his eyebrows raised just a little. I thought of Tattoo Guy, the scars across his arm and leg and what he said about surviving his motorcycle accident.

He had said,
I was pretty lucky that day, and I know it.

Tattoo Guy was right. Billie and me were lucky too, because we had survived. And still, we had each other.

Dad waited for my answer.

I picked up the water bottle from the table. The sun shone through the plastic, casting a rainbow of colors across the floor. “Maybe,” I said. He was, like, my real biological family. His blood ran through my veins. Maybe someday.

I sort of smiled, and this time I didn't feel like I was pretending. One thing I knew for sure: it was time for everything to be real.

I was through with faking it.

 

Survival Strategy #52:

NEW PODS CAN BE GOLDEN

Julie was at the hospital when I got back with Officer B. She had a gallon Ziploc bag full of Guatemalan candy. “Here,” she said, shoving the bag into my arms. Then she hugged me like she'd never let me go.

When she finally did, she sat on Pirate Doctor's couch, swinging her foot a million miles a second. But that didn't stop Billie from holding her hand the entire time. I sat on a chair a few feet away from her.

We told her everything, and it was a lot. Sometimes facts can take a while. But I knew it would be even longer if we had to talk about how we felt. And the whole time she just listened, shaking her head every once in a while. She hardly said a word, just wiped tears from her eyes.

When we finished she pointed to a suitcase in the corner.

When Billie and me opened it, it felt like Christmas. Things from home! Everything still smelled like our condo, and some things still smelled like Mom.

When I tried on a pair of shorts and my SeaWorld T-shirt, they were too small.

Julie asked, “Are you sure those aren't Billie's?”

The shorts really were too small.

“I can't believe you've grown this much over the summer,” she said, folding them and stacking them into a tidy pile. Julie swore I had grown three inches. But after everything that had happened with Dad, growing taller didn't seem that big of a deal. If you could pry open my rib cage, I'm sure my heart looked different, too. And heart growth is way more important.

After Billie and me changed into our clothes, we went back into the lobby. Billie had on her golden smile and she sat right in between Julie and Pirate Doctor. They were still talking about medical missions and how they wanted to go on others. We were going back to San Diego with Julie. But I couldn't concentrate. When, exactly, did we get to go? And was Julie going to keep us for always?

In some ways it would be hard to go back without the dream of a dad who could save me tucked into the pages of my notebook. But I guess now I didn't need saving. I just needed my sister. And a pod. Someone nice and good who could take care of us, because I couldn't manage everything as well as I thought I could.

Nurse Doris walked into the room. “Stitches in room one.”

Pirate Doctor looked up. “Oh, I'm sorry, Doris. You told me that already.” He turned to us. “If you'll excuse me, I'll be right back.” And he bumped into the door frame as he walked out, which made Billie laugh.

Julie turned to me. “How lucky are we that he was able to help you girls?”

I nodded.

“I can't even begin to comprehend all that has been done for you.”

And I couldn't help but think we had done a lot of the helping ourselves, too.

“It's my fault,” she said. “I should have never let you girls go. But I had no idea. Your mother told me very little about your dad. She never seemed to want to talk about what had happened between the two of them. She said it was in the past and she didn't want to think about it.”

“I don't want to think about it, either,” said Billie.

“And when I got the call from the clinic that they needed someone to fill in for the medical mission to Guatemala, I just jumped on it. I called your dad and left him a voice mail, but he never called me back. I'm so, so sorry.”

And I could tell she was sorry. I didn't blame her.

Julie turned to me. “How are you doing?”

“I'm okay.”

She looked at me, her eyes all squinty. “Are you really okay? I mean both of you?”

“Yep.” I brushed the hair out of my eyes.

Billie nodded.

“Still, I should've called again to check, but I was so busy. I figured you were having a great time. You know, no news is good news…” Her voice trailed off.

“Not always,” I said.

“Liberty took care of me,” said Billie.

“I know she did. She was amazing. You are one amazing girl, Liberty. You remind me of your mom.”

My heart bumped.

“Your mom was one of the smartest people I knew.”

“Are we going to live with you?” interrupted Billie.

It was the question I was too scared to ask. And right now, I wanted an answer. Facts were always better than guessing.

“We'll have to figure that out with the courts, and the judges, and your dad. I have no idea if your dad has family, but you can't stay with him. Right now, you'll both stay with me,” she said.

“Are you going to be our mom now?” Billie asked.

Julie stared out the window. Finally she said, “I never in my life thought I'd be a mother, but I guess…” She didn't talk for a minute, then she smiled. “Could you think of me as your youngish aunt? Besides, I could never replace your mom.”

Julie wasn't that young. She was even older than Mom. But what she said was true: no one could ever replace our mother.

Billie whispered, “We can add an aunt to our pod, right?”

“What do you think?” I asked.

Billie nodded. “What about Pirate Doctor?”

“And Tattoo Guy and Roger?” I asked Julie. “Do you think we'll see them again?”

She looked like she was thinking hard for a second. Finally she said, “I'd really like to find a way to thank them. I'll talk to Officer Buck to see what we can do.”

In life, nothing was ever certain. But I could hope.

I began, “Maybe we could—”

Billie interrupted, “I want ice cream.”

Julie said, “I can probably manage that.” She turned to me. “What were you saying, Liberty?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, are you up for some ice cream? I think we have to stay out here for a few days to get things finalized with your custody, and your dad has a hearing. I have a hotel booked. We can take your stuff over as soon as Dr. Martinez discharges you. Then ice cream? I'm sure we can find some out here. How about it, Liberty? Is that what you want to do?”

No one had asked me what I wanted for a long time. I picked up my notebook and shoved it deep into the suitcase Julie had brought from our condo.

“Yes, yes, yes. Come on, Liberty,” said Billie, pulling on my arm.

“Sure,” I said.

But something felt undone. I had changed so much this summer that now I felt like a brand-new Liberty species. Finally I said, “There is one thing I want to do before we go back to San Diego.”

“Lay it on me,” said Julie.

And so I asked. And it sounded both logical and illogical all at the same time, but inside my heart, it felt perfect. Like the two sides of my brain, instinct and logic, could finally agree.

 

Survival Strategy #53:

CORNERS CAN BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECES

It existed. The map said it did, but to see it with my own eyes was something else entirely.

Four Corners Monument, Navajoland, USA.

A parking lot surrounded it. The marker looked like a gigantic compass buried in the ground, encircled by concrete. It glinted in the desert sun like a hot penny. Its long arms reached out north, south, east, and west, stretching invisible lines across the parched desert floor, making it known that this place existed: four places in one.

Just like magic.

A small road had brought us here. Well, the road and the car Julie had driven for seven hours had brought us here. Julie paid a fee and pulled into an almost empty parking lot. She said it would be fun, educational even.

I took the concrete steps one at a time.

Four Corners was where we were headed when Dad left us. It seemed to only make sense that if I could reach this destination, to just stand here—four places at the same time—then I knew everything would be all right.

I walked forward and turned my head to the side so I could read the inscription. Words were placed equally on each quarter of the circle:
In freedom here meet four states under God.
The flags of Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and New Mexico snapped in the wind. And then, as if the wind gave me super strength, I hopped, landing perfectly in the center of the circle. Four places at once, defying the laws of science. Stubborn in its existence like Billie and me.

And Dad? I hoped he'd get better, but it didn't matter so much anymore, because I had Billie.

I turned, looking for her.

She was there with Julie, sitting in the shade, unpacking the lunch we had bought at a grocery store, with way too much food because Billie had to have everything. But Julie didn't care.

Billie must have said something funny, because Julie laughed as she took a bite of her sandwich.