Surrender: Guilty Pleasures #1 (BBW Erotic Romance) (4 page)

I hung up the phone, trying to
figure out just what I would say to her when I saw her. The phone had no more
than left my hand when it rang, making me jump. I snatched my hand away as if
I’d been burned by the sound.

The call went to voicemail. As
soon as the message light began blinking I punched in the access code and
listened to the message. It was Leslie. I deleted the message, deciding I would
deal with her later. There was a client meeting to prep for and as distracted
as I was over Jake, I didn’t think I could afford to spend any time right now
thinking about Leslie.

By the time I finished with
meetings, emails and making client phone calls, it was well past my usual lunch
time. There were a few more messages from Leslie, one from late morning asking
if I wanted to grab lunch. With a stab of guilt, I deleted them all.

I grabbed my purse, intending to
head down to the commissary in the basement of the building. The food was stale
and tasteless, but I was in too much of a rush to care. And I wanted to avoid
Leslie.

But best laid plans often go
awry. Leslie was just coming out of the elevator on my floor. There was nowhere
to hide so I put on a big smile, intercepting her before she could start in
with her questions.

“I was just coming to get you.
I’ve been tied up all morning with clients. You have time for lunch?”

She made a disgusted noise at me.
“Yeah, I know you. You’re avoiding me. Remember, I’ve known you forever. But
I’ll ride down with you to the lobby.”

We grabbed the nearest elevator.
As soon as the door closed, Leslie turned to me. “Okay. Spill the details. Who
is he? What’s he like? Is he cute? Did you make out?”

I scowled at her. “Leslie,
really, slow down. ‘Make out?’ We’re not in high school.” I smiled at her.
“But, yeah, we did kiss.” I rolled my eyes. “It was horrible. He’s got bad
breath and snaggle teeth. Ick.”

She burst into a fit of giggles.
“Really? No, you’re kidding. But who is he?”

Why the obsession with who he
is?
The elevator chimed, announcing it had reached the lobby. We stepped
out, the lobby full of the crush and rush of people. I pulled her off to the
side.

“If I tell you, you can’t tell
anyone. Promise?” I looked at her, the perplexed look on her face almost
comical if this wasn’t important. “Seriously, promise.”

“Promise. Is he in the witness
protection program?” She was serious. I rolled my eyes again.

“No, not that.” I dropped my
voice to a whisper. “He’s Jake McNamara.”

Saying his name made my heart
skip a beat, from excitement or guilt, I wasn’t sure.
Jake, I’m sorry
.

Leslie’s eyes went wide. “No!
Really? Geez, Abby, nothing like hooking a big fish first time around.” And
then her eyes went wider.

“You met Jake McNamara on a
bondage sex site?”

It seemed the lobby had gone
completely silent and Jake’s name was echoing off the marble walls. I shook my
head, looking around. The lobby was just as noisy and no one was even within
earshot. But I pulled Leslie behind a potted plant.

“Leslie, you need keep this
quiet. He didn’t want me to tell anyone about that part of our relationship.”

The skepticism on Leslie’s face
was obvious. “He wants to keep your relationship a secret? Is that some bondage
fetish rule? Why can’t you talk about it?”

She was standing with her hands
on her hips, looking like a stern librarian and I’d been caught giggling in the
stacks. I expected her to pull out a rule and wrap my knuckles.

“Not me, not the public
relationship, but the BDSM part. He’s a public figure; your reaction should be
enough to know why this can’t really be public knowledge.”

Leslie relaxed. “Yeah. Okay. I
get that part.” She looked closely at me, skepticism replaced by concern.

“Are you sure this is good for
you, Abby? Secrets and whips and handcuffs? All for a fuck or two?”

Leslie’s use of the word fuck was
rare but always well placed. I sighed.

“Yes, it is…or it will be. And
it’s not just for ‘a fuck or two’. I think there’s going to be a whole lot more
to this.” I took her arm, pulling her out from behind the ficus tree.

“Come on, I’ll buy you lunch and
tell you all the gory details. But only this once. No more after this.”

***

I was puttering around in the
kitchen that evening, cleaning up after dinner, when the phone rang. Snatching
it up, I glanced at the caller ID; Private Caller.
Discreet guy.

“Hello?” My voice sounded
breathless, even to me.

“Hi, Abby. Am I catching you at a
bad time?”

My heart did that flip-flop thing
again.
Maybe I have a medical condition
.

“No, this is fine. I’m done with
dinner and not really interested in doing the dishes.” I sat down on the couch.
Something poked me in the back. Reaching behind me, I fished
50 Shades of
Grey
out from between the cushions. I smiled to myself as I held the book
in my lap.

“I really enjoyed last night, Abby.
Very much. I’m hoping we can get together fairly soon. I’m very anxious to have
a session with you.” I heard him laugh softly. “I’m really interested in seeing
you, period, truth be told.”

I smiled into the phone. “I’m
anxious to see you…to have a session with you.”

“We talked about last night about
this, Abby. But I want to make sure we still agree, before we go any further.”
His voice had gone serious.

“We agreed our interaction
wouldn’t stray away from the rather strict confines of the dominant and
submissive relationship.  Outside of that relationship, there may be times
when I will ask you to accompany me to public events. In those instances,
unless we’ve agreed on anything different, I would like you to be my guest,
under no constraints or conditions. Do you agree with this? Is that how you’ve
understood what we’re doing here?”

I hesitated. This was what I
wanted, above all, to not become so entangled with a man that I got my heart
broken again. Some deep part of me wanted to use Jake, to take from him what
pleasure I could and explore my own desires.

A tiny part of my heart sank
though, the little bit of the incurable romantic in me wanting to view Jake as
my romantic partner. I held back that part, shoving it far away from what was
being presented to me now.

“I do understand and I agree. And
I appreciate your honesty. I think we’re totally on the same page.”

“Great. Let’s see…it’s already
mid-week. Should we start on Friday? I have the sense I’d like this first
session to be relaxed, no worrying about work the next day. You may need some
aftercare, some recovery time, depending on what we do. I want to make sure to
make you feel as safe and cared for as possible.”

My heart was racing.
Aftercare?
Like medical care?
I think there was some research I need to do before
Friday. My throat was suddenly dry, my voice coming out as a small croak. I
tried again.

“Yes, Friday is fine.”

Jake gave me his address and
private cell phone number, along with his currently blocked home phone number.
I was familiar with the suburb where he lived; it was outside the center of
Houston, the land of million dollar homes on huge lots. I swallowed hard.

 After the phone call, my
mind was numb. Was this what I wanted?
Yes
. And did I want this with Jake?
Absolutely.

Then why was my heart pounding
and my palms damp?

***

The Internet is a wonderful
place; sometimes it’s also very scary. I found a good site devoted to the BDSM
lifestyle. There was a great deal to take it. I did learn what aftercare
entailed, relieved to learn it would be Jake’s reasonability to see that I was
okay after a session, that I wouldn’t just be sent home to deal with…whatever I
had to deal with.

My Internet searches led me
through a wide variety of sites, the most fascinating having to do with
elaborate knot tying. I tried to imagine being restrained by Jake in this way,
patiently sitting while the rope was looped and tied into intricate knots and
patterns. I got panicky now when I got tangled in my sweater sleeves or the bed
sheets. I wasn’t sure I could tolerate being so firmly trussed, even if the
knot work was so beautiful.

***

I left work early on Friday. I
wanted to take my time getting ready for my first session with Jake. We had
talked late Thursday evening. Jake had called to see how I was, telling me
again how excited he was to see me the next evening.

“Don’t worry, Abby,” he said,
again in that voice that made my heart flutter.

I’d assured him I wasn’t
worrying, but my voice gave me away.

“Do you want to back out? You can
if you want. You’re under no contract or obligation.” I could hear the change
in his voice. “Just be honest. That’s all I ask.”

“No, Jake. I don’t want to back
out. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Maybe that’s what I feel and what
you’re hearing in my voice.” I realized I was had picked up the
50 Shades
book again. I had been worrying the cover between my fingers; the corner was
almost torn off. I tossed the book to the other end of the couch.

“We’ll start slow. Nothing will
happen that you don’t want to have happen.”

“I know, Jake,” I whispered.
“I’ll be fine once we start. Nerves, and anticipation are getting the better of
me at the moment.”

We’d said goodnight and I’d spent
another restless night, fighting with the bedcovers, dreaming of serpentine
knots and snakes.

***

Jake had given me the passcode to
the gate at the end of his driveway. I punched the number into the keypad and
the tall iron gates swung open. I had clients who lived out here, but I’d never
actually been to their homes.

I drove up the long sweeping
drive toward the cream colored Italianate villa. In the soft spring twilight
the building was colored almost the same pale pink as the inside of a shell. Jake
had said to drive to the right of the main entrance and park beneath the
portico. I did as instructed.
Already being a good submissive, Abby. Good
girl.

The huge wrought iron trimmed
glass door to my left opened as I stepped out of the car and Jake walked out,
bathed in the glow from the lights beneath the portico. He was dressed in jeans
and a soft white shirt, open at the collar. The whole image was relaxed and
sexy, including the smile on his face. That charming smile that I bet had
gotten more women out of their clothes than I cared to know about.

He stopped in front of me, close
enough that I could feel his body heat, smell him. Not the scent of cologne; I
didn’t think he was wearing any. But it was his smell, rich and masculine, warm
and inviting. I drew in a deep breath.

“Abby, welcome to my home.” He
seemed to hesitate and then bent his head to kiss my lips. I must have looked puzzled
when he stepped back. He smiled.

“Come on it. Let’s get
comfortable and we can talk a bit.”

He took my hand, leading me
through the door. I heard the deep clunk of the latch sliding home. For some
reason, I thought of castles, knights in armor and lady’s virtues. The image
slid away though as he took me through a maze of rooms, none of which seemed to
have a square corner. I saw a kitchen, what looked like a butler’s pantry, a
dining room, another room I couldn’t really identify, and finally to a relatively
small room down a short hallway

This room was gorgeous, darkly
paneled, and vaguely Gothic but extremely comfortable looking. One wall was
dominated by a fireplace, a small fire crackling on the hearth. The opposite
wall looked out through floor to ceiling windows on a large expanse of grass
and trees, which resembled a park more than a suburban backyard.

The furnishings were all inlaid
wood pieces, several chairs, a sofa and a loveseat, all covered in a masculine
mix of deep reds and olive green fabric, along with an apparently lovingly worn
leather chair by the fire. The carpet was an Oriental, creams, reds and greens,
echoing the colors of the furniture. It looked inviting, cozy and rich all at
the same time.

Jake let me take this all in,
finally pulling me down to the floor in front of the fire. I realized he’d been
holding my hand ever since I’d arrive. And I also saw he was pulling me down
onto a thick fleecy rug.

“I want us to work on trust
tonight, Abby. I need you to trust me and I need to learn to trust myself.” He
waited for me to get settled, sitting directly across from me.

“I thought I would start by
giving you a massage, something to allow you to get comfortable with me, allow
me to explore your body in a safe way, before we move into anything too heavy.”

I nodded. He seemed to want to
control this evening and I was willing to go along. But my inner voice was busy
explaining to me about my insecurity at being naked, without the benefit of bed
covers or sheets or darkness.

And again, my face gave me away.
There’s
a reason why you always lose at poker. Everything you think flashes on your
face.

“What is it, Abby? You need to
tell me or this isn’t going to work.” He took my hands in his. “And I want this
to work, for both of us.”

Taking a deep breath, I looked
him in the eye.
Spill it, Abby
.

“I have some insecurity about my
body, about my weight. I’ve always been on the heavy side and sometime it’s
made me hold back, especially in settings like this.” I looked around the room.
“You know…daylight, lights…fire light.”

Jake smiled. “I thought as much.”
He took one hand, holding it in his, slowly tracing his finger over my palm,
between my fingers, sending goose bumps up my arm.

“That’s part of the reason for
the massage.” He looked up at me, a dreamy look in his eyes. “You’re a
beautiful woman, Abby. I’ve told you that and I’ll tell you again, many times.
I knew from your photo that you aren’t a stick figure; you’re a real woman. You
have curves, all in the right places. I don’t think when you take your clothes
off I’m going to find you less attractive. I think when you take your clothes
off and you’re naked here, beneath my hands, it’s going to take all my control
to not just fuck the hell out of you.”