Surrender (13 page)

I looked at him in surprise. Surely he had known I had children? The company had made up a file with all of my personal information. I couldn’t believe Kaelen, of all people, would not have thoroughly studied the file. “My babies.” He studied my face almost curiously, but I saw suspicion in his eyes, as well.

“You talk to them every night. You read and signed the terms of the agreement. Six weeks.”

I swallowed audibly. “Yes,” I managed to say. “You’re right. I’m sorry I bothered you.”

His gaze flickered over my face, and I could see the gears turning in his mind. I knew the instant he decided I was trying to run some sort of scam. It insulted me, but then he didn’t know me. He had no more reason to trust me than I did to trust him.

I was still insulted and angry when he finally spoke the words I had been expecting. “You aren’t really on your period, are you?”

“Yes, I really am, damn it!” I snapped. “If you want proof ….” Something flickered in his eyes. “I’m busy at the moment. You can prove it to me tonight.”

I was so appalled by that threat that he had escorted me out and closed the door behind me before I could think of anything else to say. I stood outside his door for a long while. I hadn’t meant
that
kind of proof! I hadn’t expected to have to prove it at all!

I left after a few minutes, wandered around awhile, and finally went into the media room and flopped on the couch to stare at the TV for a while. I was still smarting over his veiled accusation, though, and worried about his ‘investigation’ into my supposed attempt to hoodwink him.

I’d had sex with my ex during my courses before. I supposed just about every woman had, because it inconvenienced the man in their life and sometimes they just wouldn’t shut up until they got it, regardless of the state of things. The odd thing about it was, even though I had found it revolting on one level, I had been far more sensitive during that time and actually enjoyed the sex better. That had been with my husband, though, and under duress, not with a man I hardly knew!

He might not mean sex, but that didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it was worse. At least if it was sex I‘d be in a dark room … dim room!

It occurred to me abruptly to wonder if the reason I had been so receptive to the guys was because I was nearing that time. I hadn’t even considered that possibility SURRENDER Kimberly Zant 58

before, but now that I had, I decided that was probably it. I
wasn’t
turning into a nympho maniac!

What a relief!

I felt surprisingly better after that epiphany, especially when I remembered that I had read women reached their sexual peak when they were around my age.

I was still unhappy that Kaelen had dashed my hopes, even though I had
known
he would before I asked.

I was still pissed that he didn’t want to take my word for it that I was on my period and any
reasonable
person would consider that out of commission!

I was still unnerved
and
embarrassed
and
pissed off over the prospect of having to prove to him that I wasn’t lying.

I stewed over it for hours. When I had calmed down, though, it occurred to me that I wasn’t actually being very reasonable, loathe though I was to admit it, even to myself. They had forked over a
lot
of money to get me here. I
had
known all the terms when I had signed, and I had agreed to the terms. I could whine now that I had been too ignorant about this sort of thing to really be prepared, but it didn’t change the bottom line—I had agreed.

I had told myself I could handle it, handle whatever they threw at me, because I needed to do it for my babies.

As badly as I had wanted to smack Kaelen when he had mouthed that platitude about having a job being a privilege and a responsibility, he was right. I was damned lucky to have this particular job, however rough it seemed at times. There wasn’t anything else out there, short of winning the lottery, that could save me. It would have been nice if that hadn’t been the case, if I’d had choices, but I didn’t live in a fairytale world. I lived in the real world, and it took money to live.

I was late getting to the kitchen to serve luncheon, mostly because I knew that most of the guys had decamped when they found out they wouldn’t be getting any for several days, and it didn’t occur to me that Kaelen would expect me to be prompt and take care of him.

He gave me a censorious look when I came in with the table settings, glancing at his watch pointedly. I just as pointedly ignored him and went back into the kitchen for the food the chef had prepared the night before—enough to feed five strapping young lads—which I had heated up.

Five plates, glasses, sets of silverware, napkins, and enough food for five men were deposited on the table. After setting the last of it on the table, I returned to the kitchen where I had left a plate for myself.

I had just planted my ass on the stool when the kitchen door opened and Kaelen entered. “Is today a holiday?” he asked pleasantly.

I stared at him, uneasily certain there was sarcasm in that polite question. “I don’t think so … sir,” I finally responded.

“Then I will expect the usual service,” he retorted and then turned on his heel and left.

I glared daggers at the door for several moments and finally got up in a huff. I was half way across the kitchen before a light went on in my head. Looking back, I thought maybe it hadn’t been a very bright light, but at the moment it seemed like the thing to do. The ‘usual service’ included me prancing around buck ass naked while they SURRENDER Kimberly Zant 59

ogled me and fondled me. I was in no condition at the moment to do that, but I saw no reason, as Kaelen had so nastily pointed out, why both ends should be out of commission.

Stripping my shirt and bra off, I discarded them, breezed through the kitchen door and planted my ass in Kaelen’s lap since I was fortunate enough to catch him just as he scooted his chair out to come in search of me again. Looping one arm around his shoulders, I studied him nose to nose for a moment and finally turned to survey the offering.

There were four chicken tenderloins and rice pilaf on his plate. Picking up one of the tenderloins with my fingers, I offered it to him.

His eyes were narrowed when I met his gaze again and glittering with a mixture of emotions I found hard to decipher, though I was fairly certain anger dominated. He took a bite of the chicken. I took a bite of the chicken and dropped the other end on his plate. “Rice?” I asked, scooping up a good sized pinch with my fingers and holding it near his lips.

I was expecting him to explode. Instead, he opened his mouth. Catching my wrist as I tried to drop the grains on his tongue, he closed his mouth over my fingers and sucked them one by one. My belly did a shimmy as I watched him sucking my fingers.

By the time he had finished thoroughly sucking each one from tip to palm, I was hot and my belly was performing calisthenics.

I watched him as he reached to take a pinch of rice and lifted it to my lips.

Mesmerized, I opened my mouth for him, sucking his fingers as he had mine and discovering in the process that it made me even hotter.

Several grains failed to make it into my mouth, landing on my bare boobs. He licked them off with his tongue. Goosebumps erupted all over me. My nipples instantly grew erect, and he hadn’t even come near either one of them.

Slipping a hand along my cheek, he curled his fingertips against my skull and drew me closer. His gaze was focused on my lips. I stared back at him, unable to breathe, feeling my lips tingle as if I could feel his touch. He flicked his tongue out and traced my lower lip. Instinctively, I sucked my lip into my mouth, tasting him on my lip.

It sent heady waves of heat through me as if I had taken a shot of hard liquor.

“It tastes better this way,” he murmured, and I colored as I realized he had licked a crumb from my lips.

He slipped his hand lower, brushing his thumb lightly back and forth across my lower lip. “You know, of course, that your mouth has been driving me crazy,” he murmured huskily.

Surprise flickered through me. Had I known? I didn’t think I had. I did know he had wanted to kiss me on the lips, but I had figured it was because it was the one thing off-limits to him. I still thought so.

“Of all the things on that list, why not that?” he asked, lifting his gaze from my lips at last to meet my gaze.

I didn’t want to tell him it was because I’d had enough sense to realize the intimacy of a kiss could make strangers lovers—it could make
me
think of him as a lover,
hurt
me. Sex wasn’t the same at all. I knew that because I’d had sex twice a week with the same man for years and we hadn’t even been friends. We had
been
strangers, because the day I left him I realized I hadn’t known him at all.

“If you wanted that, why did you accept the list as it was?” I countered.

SURRENDER Kimberly Zant 60

Something flickered in his eyes. He released me.

Shaken, I got off his lap. “Did you want anything else …sir?” He shook his head.

I felt weak and shaky and strangely near tears as I returned to the kitchen and retrieved my bra and shirt. The weak and shaky, I understood. The emotion clogging my throat, I didn’t want to understand.

I had lost my appetite, but I forced myself to eat a little anyway.

I didn’t leave the kitchen until I heard Kaelen leave the breakfast parlor.

When the sound of his tread had faded with distance, I got up, cleaned up my mess, and left the kitchen. As tempted as I was to go and hide in my room, I decided to go and hide in the media room instead—because Kaelen never went in the media room, and he visited mine regularly.

He brought me a dress to wear for dinner. I wondered where it had come from, if he had picked it out himself or called someone and had them take care of it—I figured it was probably the latter. It was a ‘little black dress’, skimpy, but appropriate enough for me to wear at the moment, covering enough but still sexy. I
felt
sexy once I had put it on and looked at myself in the mirror, no easy task at ‘that time of the month’.

Kaelen seemed to approve, as well.

He was alone.

I was beginning to think the others had headed for the hills and wouldn’t be back, but then they had only been gone for the day—all day.

It was amazing how you could get used to things you would never think you could.

And distressing how easily you could get used to those things and miss them when they weren’t there anymore.

I was almost sorry I had presented myself as early as I had. Chance and Gareth generally kept some sort of conversation going. Dev and Cameron tended to be almost as reticent as Kaelen, but they were lively enough whenever Chance or Gareth were around to keep them talking.

An awkward silence fell when I had settled on the sofa, awkward to me anyway.

Kaelen seemed well enough entertained by his own thoughts. I wondered if he was always like that or if it was just because I was hired help and supposed to be a submissive, which apparently meant ignored unless they wanted something. I got up after a few minutes, wandering idly around the room, looking at the furnishings, although I wasn’t particularly interested in them.

Finally, I stopped in front of one of the windows. I wasn’t staring out, though. I was studying Kaelen’s reflection since I discovered I could without him knowing I was.

As I studied him, I found myself thinking about what Gareth had told me, wondering what it must have been like for him to discover his mother had gone away and wasn’t coming back. My daughters were suffering over my absence. Nothing I could tell them appeased them or made it any less difficult for them to handle the separation. I knew it wouldn’t be for long, and that I was doing what was best for them, but if I missed them, felt the pang of separation, how much worse must it be for them when they didn’t really understand or have a strong concept of time? How difficult had it been for Gareth and Kaelen to accept and understand?

I hadn’t wanted to think about it. I had tried hard not to, but looking at the two SURRENDER Kimberly Zant 61

handsome, virile young men they had grown into, I could easily picture two adorable little boys, and it made me wonder how a mother could walk away from them and not look back.

Maybe she hadn’t. Maybe she hadn’t had a choice and their father just hadn’t told them? Maybe his father had
made
her leave? He had obviously had money, and money could buy just about anything.

I was a prime example of that.

I pushed the thought from my mind, both thoughts. I couldn’t afford to empathize with Kaelen or Gareth—or Cameron, Dev, or Chance either, for that matter. It was tragic, sad to think even money couldn’t buy happiness, but that was life—
their
life, and it had nothing to do with me.

It was bad enough that I thoroughly enjoyed having sex with them. I hadn’t expected to. It was actually a blessing for me that I did, because it made what I had to do more than bearable. It was a curse at the same time, because I didn’t think I was going to adjust very well to my old life once I had it back.

And I already didn’t want to think about never seeing them again. How bad would it be when the clock struck twelve and my magic carriage turned into a pumpkin?

I was supposed to have been detached from all this, I thought unhappily. I had been so sure it was going to be horrible and disgusting and a trial just to endure it.

Instead, it had been wonderful, and I didn’t think, even if I had managed to make it all the way through without ever learning anything at all about them that I would’ve been able to remain detached about it.

Stupid! A person could be detached about bread. Smear shit on it, and it was disgusting, jelly and it was lovely, but you couldn’t be detached about either extreme.

There had
never
been any chance of being detached about this. I just hadn’t been smart enough to realize it. Or maybe I had just been too desperate to acknowledge it?