Sunrise Fires (18 page)

Returning to the box, I felt lighter somehow. I grabbed the box intending to tear it down when I felt the weight of something else shift inside. I peered inside, half afraid to see what was left: the phone. There at the bottom of that box was the old, useless, tattered, unreliable phone.

I picked it up and held it to my mouth, thinking of Ryan. It felt smooth against my lips, the glass gliding effortlessly over my bottom lip, the metal less smooth, snagging on my upper lip where the power jack was. I stared into space, looking at nothing in particular, and reliving my five years with Ryan. It was true, we hadn’t met until after two years, but I counted those two years—they laid a foundation for what was to come. I chuckled to myself at how I used to so vehemently deny that those two years were worth anything.
Amusing
, I thought,
how vastly different a little change in perspective can change the way you see something
.

As the phone slid over my lips, I remembered how good his lips had felt on mine—always warm and meaty. They told the story of his emotion, his drive, and his desire, and they always got me to comply, dragging me to depths of rapture that I’d not known before him nor since. Tears finally ran over my eyelash levies, and I pulled the phone away from my face, resting my head on my fisted hand. His hand used to be there, resting at my cheek, drawing me in, bringing me closer to him.

I headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water, slurping it down without really thinking about anything in particular, except how suddenly thirsty I was.

Setting the glass down on the counter, I looked at the phone again and stroked the glass face. How many times had I argued with this phone to stay on long enough to bring me his voice? Now, I rubbed my finger more slowly and tenderly over its surface, stroking it longingly, lovingly. I pressed the phone between my hands, like I was praying. I smiled. Turning my hands until they were parallel to the floor, I pressed on the top of the phone’s glassy surface.
“I can tell how much you love me, I can feel it here…in your heart…”
Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I thought about charging the phone up one last time, listening to him once more…for old time’s sake, hearing him tell me he loved me. I looked at it again, smiled, and kissed its glass face. Maybe another day.

I put the phone in a drawer in the kitchen, rubbing the drawer face as I closed the phone inside.

Maybe another day.

Chapter Sixteen

S
ummer turned to winter, and I was off to Naples. I spent the next six months getting Italy ready and making quick trips to London to see about the England groundbreaking scheduled for next summer. Time flew by, and my jet lag kept me sleepy or slightly tired often. I didn’t mind, it just prepared me for relaxing catnaps on the balcony, listening to the ocean heave in my direction, only to give up at the shore. I was happy. Alone but not lonely. Talia came to see me and so did Jackie. We never spoke of Ryan, though he was always in the back of my mind. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them that I had never messaged him. And neither of them ever asked.

In the spring of the following year, I sat on the beach in Los Angeles. I never camped anymore; it’s no fun without someone to share it with. Instead, even though the beach outside my condo was amazing, I still made day trips to beaches I liked all along the coast from San Diego to the north side of LA. On this day, I had chosen Seal Beach in Los Angeles because it was quiet and somewhat secluded, which meant I could visit with the ocean and the gulls without getting smacked in the head by a Frisbee or having sand kicked up in my eyes by a wayward football catcher or kite flyer.

I set up my blanket just after sunrise, upset that I’d forgotten my umbrella, but not dissuaded at all. I settled in to watch, feel, write, sleep, read, and accept what the universe was offering, even if it was the chattering company of the gulls demanding food I didn’t bring. I sat there feeling the ocean, smelling the salty air, smiling at and, yes, visiting with the gulls. I wrote a few inspired passages and a poem about my feelings as I sat feeling as tiny as a grain of sand compared to the size and magnitude of the ocean. The day passed as slowly as I could hope for. As the sun was high in the sky, I draped my spare T-shirt over my eyes and tried to nap a bit, the ocean singing my lullaby. Despite my sunscreen, I could feel my arms burning before the afternoon had fully blossomed, and I knew I needed to go. Besides, my lips were parched and tasted of salt, and my skin was tight and tingly, the first signs that I needed aloe immediately. I shook out my blanket, rolled it up, and bid the gulls adieu.

When I got back to the parking lot, I saw someone leaning against my car. “Damn kids,” I muttered to myself. I expected they would move as I made it clear that I was heading for precisely that vehicle, so I pressed my key and the lights blinked. I knew this also meant that the doors had clicked unlocked, but the kid didn’t move. I adjusted my sunglasses and shielded my eyes, squinting to get a better look.

He saw me and stood up, coming away from the car and heading in my direction. I stopped and stared, grimacing against the sun. And still he walked toward me. My breath caught in my throat. I knew the gait, I knew the frame, I knew that style of dress. I dropped my bag and keys and stood stock still, staring, tears streaming. My stomach turned to lead, my temples tingled and nervous perspiration dotted my forehead. The closer he got, the more I wanted to run. My stomach churned and roiled. My throat seized. I chewed on my lips, I rung my hands together and then tangled my fingers. I could not bend over and pick up the bag and keys. I could not run.

I stood.

He walked.

I cried.

He walked faster.

I flinched as he got to me.

He kissed me.

Without a word, he kissed me full on the mouth.

I couldn’t kiss him back through the tears. I couldn’t reach for him, couldn’t hold him. He broke away from the kiss.

I stared at him, lips trembling, and eyes bleeding tears. “Ryan…?” I choked, my throat had my voice box in a vice grip.

He rubbed my back. “Baby, what is it? Please, talk to me. Tell me you’re okay.” He waited. I stared. “Say something!” The tears stopped flowing; all I could do was stare. His words came to me through water, my ears hearing mostly the rush of my own blood through them. He picked up my bag and keys and led me by the elbow to my car. He fumbled through my bag, found my water bottle, and twisted off the cap. “Drink something, Jen. For God’s sake, drink something.”

I took the water bottle with a trembling hand and brought it to my lips. Once the water reached my mouth, I gulped and gulped it down, swallowing mouthful after mouthful. When I had emptied the bottle, I finally looked at him again. “What are you doing here? And why are you just…here. Right here in the parking lot?” And regaining my senses a bit, I said, “And who said you could kiss me? And…” I started crying anew. My stomach continued to seize and clench. I turned away from him and promptly threw up half the water I had just downed. He reached into my bag to find something, but I snatched it from him. “I can take care of myself!” I sounded like a three-year-old in tantrums, but goddamn him for coming back after being gone so long. What was I supposed to do now? I was over him already. I had worked so hard to get past this, and here he was, staring me in the face. I wiped my mouth with my spare T-shirt and fumbled in the bag for some gum to get the taste of stomach acid out of my mouth.

“My father died.” I looked up from my search, raising an eyebrow. “When I called you, he was ill…” Ryan’s voice was serious. Was he offering an explanation after all this time? Why didn’t he tell me that before? Things would have been so different if he would have just told me. “He was really bad…in the hospital. There was no way I could come to Germany knowing he might die.”

“You didn’t tell me,” I suddenly felt terrible for not visiting his parents when I was home in Vegas last summer.

“Jesus, Jen. I barely told you I wasn’t coming, and you hung up on me. You didn’t give me a chance to tell you.”

“I dropped the phone…” I said angrily, feeling the heat of all my tied back emotions trying to spring forward. I was angry and resentful, but now I also felt guilty.

“What?”

I scanned his face, looking for some sense of where this was going. “I didn’t hang up. I dropped the phone.”

“Why didn’t you call me back?”

All the blood drained from my face. My mouth gaped open. “I…” Jackie and Talia had both told me to call him back, and a thousand times I had wanted to but…I didn’t want to appear weak. I didn’t want him to see me as needy. And how could I mention those three measly attempts on that fateful morning? Suddenly it seemed like I had been the one who gave up on us. “I…” He folded his arms across his chest and began to tap his toe. I squinted at him.
Had
he actually raised his voice? Did his tone sound as accusatory as I was hearing it, or were my emotions playing tricks on me?
“I tried…” I looked at my hands, “a few times. But you didn’t answer.”
Twice counted as a few, didn’t it?
“And…why didn’t you call me back?”

“I had to deal with my dying father and, at that moment, didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with a pissed off girlfriend. I knew you would call back when you calmed down.” I looked at my feet. “Seems you never calmed down.”

I fumbled with the straps of my beach bag, lips trembling again. “It was bad for me,” I began. Then I shook my head, realizing how small and insignificant my pain suddenly seemed. “When did he pass?” I looked at my hands, unable to face him.

“November thirteenth.”

“Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry.” I threw my arms around him and hugged him. His arms reflexively wrapped around me and drew me even closer to him. We stayed there for a long time, speechless, but exchanging something far bigger than words. His hands stroked my back and tugged at my tangled, wind-blown hair. I stripped his hat off and kissed cheek and temple and rested my cheek against the side of his head, smelling him, experiencing him. I didn’t want to let him go, but he pulled back.

“San Diego? What do they have you doing there?”

I raised an eyebrow. Perhaps next we’d talk about the weather. “Same stuff. Expanding the brand name across Europe. Spent most of the winter in Italy for the Naples opening.”

“That’s amazing. I’m proud of you. I knew you were gonna sail right through this Germany thing and onto bigger and better things.”

I pursed my lips and muttered, “Sail right through. Yep, a real cake walk that was.” Ryan squinted at me. I shrugged. “Your father…I don’t understand. How did it happen, and why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now. We have time for all of that later.”

Later?
I thought.
What the hell does that mean?
Five minutes ago, seeing Ryan again fell into ‘never’ and now he was already talking about ‘later.’
I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening. “Well, what do you want to talk about? I mean, how did you end up here in this parking lot standing by my car? How about we start with that?”

“We’re camping a mile and half from here,” he said. “I told the guys I needed to go for a walk this morning. Sunrise at the beach is hard for me these days,” he cut his eyes in my direction, “nobody to go find sitting on the blanket visiting the gulls without me.”

“Ryan, I—”

“So I walked. I walked this direction and would have kept going, but the rock pier sort of forced me to the parking lot. I was on my way through when I saw your car.”

“What a coincidence,” I said with more malice in my voice than I intended.

He paused and eyed me, an angry edge bringing the tension even higher. “Anyway, I should be getting back.”

“What?! You wait for hours by my car just to kiss me and shake up my world? Are you serious? What am I? A snow globe? Not cool, Ryan.” He turned to step away. “That’s it then?” I asked. “Wait in the parking lot, see me finally, kiss me, and then leave? What was your point to all this?”

“I needed to see you. At least one last time for old time’s sake. I needed to actually see you. It was worth waiting by your car for a little while. And that’s it.”

“And the kiss? What the hell?” I was flustered at the prospect that I might let Ryan slip right through my fingers once again. Stalling was going to have to work until I thought of something.

“Stop it, Jen. Stop trying to tear this moment apart. Dissect it later. It is what it is, nothing else. I just kissed you. I saw what I needed to see.”

He saw what he needed to, but I didn’t even try. I wasn’t ready for it. He surprised me. I didn’t even participate fully. I wanted a do over. “And what was that?”

“Jen, it’s been great to see you…one last time. Congratulations on the promotion.” He turned and began walking away.

“I missed you, Ryan,” I called after him, but his pace remained steady. He didn’t even acknowledge that I spoke. “I said I missed you!” I called louder, taking a step in his direction. Still no reaction. He was getting away, and I had no idea how to change that. This was a moment to try to begin again, to at least find closure if not a new beginning, and he was walking away from it.

I ran. I left my bags on the ground by the car, and I ran to him. Just as my feet hit the sand, I caught up to him. Grabbing his arm, I tugged, making him face me. “I said I missed you, goddamn it. I missed you and I loved you and I love you still. And please…can we talk about it? I had no idea about your father, and I was…” I tapered off for lack of anything that felt like it sized up to his father’s death. My lower lip trembled. He stood there, staring at me, his face not giving me any clue what he was thinking. I cupped his jaw with both my hands, “Can I get a do over on that kiss?”

And without waiting for an answer, I kissed him. It was tender at first, loving and tenuous, fearing rejection. But when he gave me a slight teasing response, barely participating, I was alive again with the memories of how we used to be, how we teased and played, always pushing the other to be more forceful in their pursuit. I pulled him to me and pushed my tongue through our barely parted lips. My heart smiled as our tongues danced together, and his hands found their way to their usual roosts at the small of my back and the under cup of my ass. The kiss must’ve lasted minutes because when we finally broke, I was winded.