Sun Damage (The Sunshine Series) (24 page)

I only now realize that I wasn
’t supposed to know about how Evan was turned. It’s a secret thing, turning. I just know it is. Because when I think about myself changing into what I am now, I don’t want anyone else knowing besides Myles.

“
I’m sorry. I was mad,” I interrupt myself. “But he got even angrier.”

“
I can imagine,” Myles says to himself. “Did he hurt you?”

“
He grabbed my wrists, but no.” I say. “He didn’t hurt me before he was just thrown across the room.”

Myles gulps
. His eyes widen and he glances at me, like he’s remembering that I can now see subtle things like that when they may have previously gone unnoticed.

“
You threw him with your mind?”

“
I–I think so. Jade told me how this light came out of my hands and Evan fell backwards.” I swallow. “Evan told me that only really old vampires know how to do it.”

He nods.
“That’s true.”

“
And just now,” I say, having to take a breath before continuing so I don’t lose it. “I thought about snapping both of your wrists...just because I knew I could.”

I
’m expecting him to be upset, to at least be a little shocked. First I hurt one of his vampires then I confess to him that I wanted to break his arms.

But he takes me back in his arms and hugs me. When I hesitate to hug him back, he wraps my hands around his body. I remember that night in his
tree house when we first hugged. When I first hugged him back. That first time we closed that small distance between our two bodies and let them touch, scared of ourselves and each other. I wonder if I’ve really come all that far at all.

“
No matter where we stand,” he whispers. “I love you, Sophie. Don’t be afraid.”

That last part starts up the tears again. I remember when I lied and told him I wasn
’t afraid of anything. When I turned around and told him that I was.

“
I can’t help it,” I say. “How is it that I can’t drink blood, I feel sick all the time because of it, but I can do things that only experienced vampires know how to do? And…Michael…” I can’t finish the thought. “How am I supposed to not be scared of myself, of everything?”

Those wo
rds are supposed to go unspoken but he’s somehow pulled them out.

I can tell by the way he looks at me when we pull away from each
other that he wants to kiss me but he holds himself back. Despite how badly I would like that right now, it’s easier to stay apart. I can’t handle more emotions at the moment, and any associated with him are complicated enough as it is.

I swallow hard.
“I–” I want to go on, to dump everything on top of him, but I’m hungry. So hungry. “I have to go.” I’m on my feet before he can stand.

“
Sophie,” Myles warns. “I think we should solve this now.”

I shake my head.
“No,” I say, the anger returning suddenly. “I think
you
need to solve the Michael trying to kill me problem and I’ll solve the my-brother-is-worried-about-me problem.”

The words seem to have so much force that he has to lean against the wall so he doesn’t fall over.
 I take the opportunity to leave, praying that he doesn’t follow. And he doesn’t.

Chapter 13

It’s in t
he Blood

“
The killer in me is the killer in you.”—The Smashing Pumpkins
 

I find Jade in the Denny’s down the street and sit down next to him.
“Where is everyone?” I ask. My tongue feels thick.

He’s staring at a menu and it
takes a while to answer but thankfully, he doesn’t ask what’s wrong. “On their way,” he says. “We’re the only ones on time.”

A waitress comes over
to us with a perky smile and asks if I want anything to drink.

“
Water,” I say. “Please.”

She disappe
ars, leaving Jade and I alone.

I open the menu in
front of me with trembling hands and when I try to read it, pictures of eggs and pancakes blur, the letters of words stretch out and push together. The pounding in my head is back and it’s more intense this time.  

I try not to think about Myles
back in my hotel room. Maybe he’s left or maybe he’s there, waiting for me. The same way Michael is waiting for me.

The waitress comes back and sets down my drink. I finally take my sunglasses off, realizing they’ve been on my face the entire time. She hands me a straw but she doesn’t toss it onto the table like a lot of waitresses do. As soon as my fingertips touch the paper covered plastic, I wish she was like other waitresses.
It’s like the straw is some kind of wire, connecting two different electrical appliances. I can see every color in her: pink, orange, green. I know if I concentrate just a little bit harder, I can suck up those colors without much effort.

I break the contact, leaving her to hold the straw in mid air before letting it fall to the table.
“Are–” It takes her a second to recover, for her smile to be put back into place. “Are you ready to order?”

Without saying anything to either her or Jade, I slip out of the booth and head in the direction I think th
e bathroom will be; my instinct is right. Even better is that it’s a single stall. I sit on the closed toilet seat, trying to keep my hands from shaking. I shrug off my trench coat, sweating under the heavy fabric. Somewhere in the back of my head, I think I know why I’ve started to feel so shitty, but I don’t want to think about it.
Blood
. The word swirls into my head unwanted and I don’t know how to get it out once it’s there. It hangs onto my brain and sticks to the surface of my skull.

I need blood.

If I close my eyes, I can imagine it. How warm and smooth it would feel in my mouth, like hot chocolate. Warm. I’ve been so cold lately.

As soon as the thought has crossed my mind, my eyes snap open and I
’m back. I suddenly feel like I’ve been away from myself for hours. And when I look down, there’s blood seeping through my shirt just above my collarbone.

Immediately, I
’m on my feet and at the sink, running the water as hot as it will go, not caring when it burns my hands as I gather soap between them and try to get the blood out of the light blue fabric. It’s an afterthought to take the shirt off and try rising the thing in the sink and when I do, I get a glimpse of where the blood is coming from: My mark. Myles’ mark. That’s enough for whatever blood is left in my stomach to come up and I lean over the sink.

It must be my lucky day, because at precisely that moment, someone
’s knocking on the door.

“
Occupied!” I yell, my voice cracking as I abandon all hope of washing the shirt and instead begin rising out my mouth at the sink, my hands still faintly covered in soap.

“
It’s me,” Jade’s muffled voice comes through the door. “Let me in.”

I shake my head, almost forgetting that he can
’t see me with the door closed to my own personal hell. “No,” I say.

“
Come on,” he says. “What other choice do you have?”

I take a deep breath, my hands still clutching my damp shirt. The red stain has spread into more of a brown, but I can
’t exactly pass it off as coffee. I don’t have any real concept of exactly how long it takes my hands to grab onto the handle, but they manage to twist and open up to my brother’s concerned face. In seconds he’s inside and shutting the door behind him.

I can tell he
’s trying to hold on to calmness; make me believe that my appearance isn’t bothering him. “What happened?” he whispers.

I look down at my torso, which still has blood dripping down from my collar bone. I throw my shirt onto the counter.
“I don’t know.”

Jade pats the toilet seat, not having to tell me to sit down. He goes over to the sink and tries in much the same way that I did to remove the stain from my shirt. He doesn
’t spend as long on it as I did before he gives up and turns his attention back to me.

He tears some toilet paper off of the roll next to me and presses it into my chest. It doesn
’t even hurt. “Okay,” he says to himself. “So I guess we should clean you up and then call Myles.”

I shake my head and try my best to speak but it
’s not happening.

“
Listen,” he says, like he can reason with me. Like he can even begin to change my mind.

“
You have to be okay right now,” he says. “Well.” He turns his attention back to my shirt while still keeping a hand pressed to my collarbone. “Well you have to
act
okay right now,” he corrects himself. “Just pretend to eat, then we’ll go to the hotel and we can freak out and lose it there, when your friends and other band members aren’t around.”

Jade sighs
, and I can tell how worn down he is. “But maybe once we’re back at the hotel we’ll call Myles and see what he wants you to do so this,” he gestures to me as  the blood begins to dry. “Stops happening.”

My head is pounding and my fingers are shaking.
Blood. I can imagine swimming in a shallow pool of it. I could let its warmth spread over me, shoot through me. When I open my eyes again, everything in front of them is a dark pink like I squeezed them shut too tight. Once I blink, the color is gone and Jade is in front of me. “Okay?” he asks.

I nod.

“Okay,” he says to himself. He shuts the water off and throws the shirt flat on top of the paper towel dispenser and then turns back to me.

“
So all we need to do now is stop this shit from bleeding...” he says to himself, concentrating on my chest. “Hold that,” he places my hand on top of the toilet paper and I robotically obey.

Jade shrugs off his sweatshirt and wraps it around my middle. “
You’re shaking,” he says.

I didn
’t even notice. When his hands graze my skin, the warmth makes goose bumps rise on my skin and I have to close my eyes so I can concentrate on my breathing. 

“
Do you have a fever?” Jade asks, seeming to think this skin to skin contact isn’t enough, he places his hand on my forehead, which sends a surge of heat through my head and down my neck.

I
’m surprised when Jade shivers at the contact. I realize I was taking the warmth from him and sending the cold into his body.

“
You’re so cold,” he says.

I nod.
“Yeah.” I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say.

Jade doesn
’t dwell on it as he stands. “Okay, so why don’t you take care of that,” he says, pointing to the wad of toilet paper in my hand. “And I’ll try to fix your shirt.” He picks up the sopping material in his hands and turns on the hand dryer with a tap of his fist.

“
You don’t have to stay,” I say. “It’s going to look weird if you’re in here with me too long.”

It seems to take h
im a long time to look up at me but when he does, the smile he gives me isn’t exactly happy. “It’s no problem,” he says. “You need help.” He glances at how I’m wrapping his hoodie around my waist to keep myself warm. “Myles can help you.”

The
sound of his name in Jade’s mouth–yet again–causes a surge of some emotion I can’t pinpoint. Maybe it’s more than one, but whatever it is, it makes my chest burn and my mouth go completely dry. “Jade,” I whisper.

“
No,” he says. “I know you don’t want to see him and I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t either.” He holds my shirt up in front of him to study the stain.

I stand on
shaking legs and have to lean on the sink, where the mirror hanging above it holds both of our reflections. He doesn’t turn to me, only to the hand dryer again, pushing the button and holding my shirt underneath. The white noise fills the small space as I stand up too, my head less clouded and the pain finally subsiding. Maybe all I needed was to sit down for a minute. When I look into the mirror and peel the toilet paper clump away from my skin, I’m relieved to find that it’s no longer bleeding. All I have to do is clean the dried blood off of myself and I’ll be fine. Good as new. I run the tap, first wetting toilet paper and then giving up and scooping the warm water onto my chest. My mark. The one Myles left on me in order to save my life, so he could bring me back into this—this world that only gets more confusing without him by my side.

“
Myles knew who our father was.”

Everything in the room except for the dryer and the faucet stops. Jade turns to me in slow motion.

“What.” The word is whispered, but I can hear it over the rest of the noise. When he looks up at me, his eyes are wide. “What did you just say?” he asks a little bit louder. “What did you just say and what does it
mean
?”

I shut my eyes, wishing that I hadn’t said anything. It’s his right to know
–of course it is–but should I have told him now? Should I have dumped one more thing onto him when everything he knows is crumbling to dust as soon as he has a hold of it?