Summerfield

Summerfield
{Preface}
Three years ago was the very first time I ever thought about Heaven and
Hell. Up until then I was fortunate enough to remain naive to all the
bad things. Hell was a terrible doom that no one should be wished
upon. Heaven means that you're lifted and guided somewhere you know
only safety and goodness would lay. But both have the same exact
outcome. It means that you're dead. Unliving. Gone. Vanished.
I don't believe that once you've died that you're gone forever.
Someone will always have at least one memory of you. You can't be a
person without a thought of another person. But after you're gone,
maybe that's all you are to those you've left still standing on
Earth's surface. A memory.
It hurts to think of it in that way. That she's only a memory now.
She's pictures torn from the wall. She's a painful reminder of how
good life used to be. She's the past. And now, here without her, there
seems to be less of a future.
I believe she went to Heaven. Because I believe she's an angel. And I
believe that she still watches me. And that's why I still talk to her.
Even if never out loud.
And that's the thing that got me the most as the doctor spoke. "Time
of death..." I never heard the rest. The only thing I thought at the
exact moment as she slipped away and vanished forever from me was that
I never prayed. Never said a word to God. It was always in the back of
my mind. The entire time that she was on her knees, looking for a
miracle and for saving, but I never said the words I wanted to.
Maybe I never prayed for her because I was afraid. Afraid that if I
asked for the help, then it would mean that it was truly needed. It's
easy to be in denial if you try hard enough not to think about it. And
maybe I never prayed because I didn't think that I could. Maybe I
thought that life was as it was. And who was I to mess with God's
plans? No matter how much I wanted to. And maybe I didn't because it
would kill me inside to say the words. "Don't let her die. Don't take
her away. Let her be here. With me. I need her more!"
I was being selfish. But she was my mother. I had every right to be
selfish in wanting her to stay here with me. Right here. Forever.
But as they pulled that one sheet over her angelic, beautiful, perfect
face, I fell to my knees. I prayed too late.
I only hope that she knew how much I love her. How much I need her.
How painful it was. How unbearable life is without her.
She was my angel on Earth. And now, she's my angel in Heaven.
My mom taught me that love was everything. Money meant nothing. Land
meant nothing. Fire and power meant absolutely nothing. It was love.
If you could love whole heartily and without regrets and without even
the slightest bit of gravel guarding yourself, then everything was
right. You could never fall. Because you had someone there to catch
you.
She gave me all the love in the world. She gave me laughter. She gave
me advice. She made me feel better. She made me feel comfort. She made
me know what feeling was. And she showed me how to love.
She never gave up. Not even when every odd was against her. She was
still the strongest person I had ever known.
And every day I wake up in the morning, wishing she could also, and I
look into the mirror. I see her eyes. I see her smile. I see her hair.
I see her nose. I see everything she was in everything that I am and I
understand why it took my dad three weeks before he could look me in
the eyes after her death.
None of us wanted to remember. Dad took down the pictures that hung on
the wall. My aunt dyed her hair a different color than it had been all
her life. Because it was the same color as her sister's. I tried hard
to forget how life would be if she were still there. I tried to forget
what life had been like that at all. Like a past with her never
happened. But that only made me hurt more.
I went through the grief. The longest period of my life.
I couldn't sleep at night. I had nightmares so often that Dad stopped
even coming to check on me, because it was every night and it was
always the same. I would cry at any moment. Without any more reason
than the fact that I no longer had my mother. I threw stuff at the
wall. Screamed. Yelled. Fought. I pushed myself away from everyone and
everything.
I was fifteen. I didn't know that hurting so much could be possible.
At seventeen, I'm still slightly frozen. I'm better. Slowly, I'm better.
After a while I didn't have to try to forget. After a while, I just
thought less about it. I felt bad at first, but I realized that my mom
would never want me to be sad. And so I tried to smile every day.
Memories are the hardest part of saying goodbye. Sometimes I wish that
everything had been wiped clean for me. So that I couldn't remember.
So that I never had to feel that strong, shooting, slicing pain that
went through my chest every time I thought of her.
Trying to win a losing battle is the hardest defeat. You always
lose. You see yourself tumbling, but then there's nothing on the way
down to grasp onto. All you can do is pray that you have a soft
landing.
Chapter One
Summer could mean many things for people. It could mean freedom,
excitement, adventure, friends, relationships, parties in random houses, staying out all night with people you'd just met, making the most of your time, and summer romances. For
me, though, it meant only two things.
I was finally getting away from Lavance all girls boarding school.
I would have to go back home. With my father. On the farm.
I couldn't help the ting of unhappiness I felt wash through my veins
at the pure thought. As much as I wanted to get away from this school,
I wanted even less to go back home. When I was a kid I had loved it. It was out in the middle of nowhere, full of small adventures and fun. I was a kid. Life was simple. But that was all before life started getting complicated and soon after that it came to a stop. My home was no longer that place anymore.
Though it sounds harsh, I wasn't sure I wanted to see my dad. Sure, I
loved him. How could I not? He helped raise me, he's part of the
reason for my existence, and he’s my dad. But then again, he basically
trapped me here at this all girls' school. He said it was to protect
me, but the truth was that he just didn't know how to raise me anymore.
Not alone, anyways.
Then again, there was one bright side to going home. My aunt, Ella,
would be there. She had been, without a doubt, my favorite relative of
all time. She had always been there for me when no one else could be.
She had a pretty fair hand in raising me also. She was fun, sweet,
eccentric, fair, and beautiful. She was my mother's sister. Therefore,
I had always had a special place for her.
My thoughts haulted by the knock on my door. I didn't get a lot of visitors, so I knew who it was already. It was one of the only people I had bothered to allow into my life during my time here. "Come on in."
"Hey, Belle." My best friend, Kara, greeted me cheerfully, sitting
herself on my roommate’s now empty bed. She had left already and
secretly, I was glad. I had never really gotten along with my
roommate all that well. The older I got, the less of a people person I became.
Kara was, as some may say, innocent. Definitely innocent. But in a sweet way. A way that just made you want to talk to her and tell her all about everything you've been through and everything you're thinking. She was not only sweet, but incredibly intelligent, determined, kind and her heart was bigger than I'd ever known someone's to be. She had been here by my side the last three years I'd been trapped here. My rock.
From the first minute I had met her I knew I would like her. While I
was a bit more outspoken and opinionated, she was calm, subtle, and
timid. But she made me see the potential I could reach and I helped
her break out of her shell. We were good for each other. In fact, she had been the only real good thing about coming to this school.
"Hey, Kara." I looked over my shoulder from where I was finishing
packing my things and grinned at her. "You already packed?"
"Yup. Everything's packed and loaded. The taxi to take us to the
airport is waiting downstairs."
I sighed, zipping the last of my things and sitting myself next to
Kara on my roommate’s bed. "I'm going to miss you this summer. Who's going to come barging into my room at three in the morning to talk about how pollution is going to kill us all off?" I frowned.
She giggled, giving me a sideways hug. "I only did that a couple times. And this world is being destroyed. I was warning you. Because I care. Also, don't worry, I'll come and see
you this summer. Just give me a call and I'll be right there."
"Thanks, Kara. Same goes here." I promised.

"Besides, next year we're going be roommates. It'll be even easier to bug you."

"I can't wait."
She sighed this time, looking around the now empty bed. "You ready?"
She asked, her eyes back on me.
I looked around the room too. The blank walls that just the other day
had held posters. The empty drawer that no longer held any clothes. It
was vacant and I was ready to go. "Sure am." I smiled, grabbing my
stuff. Kara helped me out with the bags to where the taxi was waiting.
As we walked through the halls of Lavance  boarding school, I couldn't help but feel lifted of a huge pressure. Sure, the education was good and all, but the school just wasn't what I had needed. It was dark and dreary, completely without life.
I would miss Kara a lot, but I would not miss Lavance at all.
---
"Remember, call me, anytime okay?" I reminded Kara as we were saying
our final goodbyes. She was leaving to go back to California and I was
on my way back to Ohio.
"Same goes here." She promised. "I'll call you at least three times a
week so we can catch up on all that's happening."
"I doubt much will be going on, on my end. I'll be back at the farm
milking cows and sweeping the porch."
She put two fingers under my chin to lift my head. "Hey, chin up. You
could end up having a wonderful summer. Besides, cows and porches sound quaint. Quaint can be a nice thing."
"With my dad?" I questioned, my voice fringing shock. "Very incredibly
doubtful. But I hope that you have fun."
"Thanks. I can't wait to hit the beaches." She grinned. "When you come
to visit I'll have to show you the best spots. We can go guy hunting together. I've been locked up with just estrogen for three years. I'm not about that life."
I smiled. "Don't get pregnant."
They called for Kara's flight, causing us to both look sadder than
before at our very soon departure. She sighed, brining me forward into
a hug. "Going to miss you. Call me as soon as you get back home."
"Promise. Bye." I whispered, giving her one more squeeze before letting go.
She sighed, looking back to where they were boarding for her flight.
"Bye." She waved as she began to walk towards the gates to board her
flight.
"Hey!" I called out to her, causing her to look back, question in her
blue eyes. "Take it easy on those California boys."
She giggled, turning a slight pinkish color. "I'll do my best to hold
myself back."
I laughed, giving her another farewell wave. "Love you, Kara."
"Love you, Belle." She called before turning back and boarding her flight.
I sighed once she was gone, collapsing into a chair to wait for my
flight to begin boarding.
---
The flight was long and boring. I always hated flying on planes, but
this time I had more on my mind than the possible crashing of the
plane. I was tired and grumpy and I wanted nothing more than to
collapse on one of those uncomfortable airport seats and sleep for a
few hours. But it didn't looks like I would have that chance.
As soon as I stepped off the plane I caught sight of my aunt. I
smiled, slightly relieved that it wasn't my father there.
She pulled me into a bear hug, squeezing me tight.
"Aunt...Ella! Need...to breathe...to...live!" I choked out. I was
starting to lose feeling in my body and my head was getting dizzy.
"Oh, sorry." She apologized, letting go, but keeping a hand on my arm
as if afraid I might run away. Actually, that wasn't such a terrible
idea...
Nah, I shook my head. She'd probably catch me. And it wasn't my aunt
that I wanted to run away from...it was my dad. And my childhood home.
"It's okay." I laughed a bit at her enthusiasm.
"So, how have you been? Made any new friends? Classes? Boys?" She
suggested, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Aunt Ella, I was at an all girl’s school. There were no boys."
"Right, right." She mumbled to herself, nodding her head.
I had always wondered why she wasn't married. She was beautiful,
slender with long blonde hair and gorgeous green eyes and good
features. And to top that off she was a great person with an awesome
personality. She had quite a few admires, but she said that she was
never able to find the right guy. But I guess people like her can
afford to be picky.
"So, anyways, how have you been?" She asked again as we walked to her
silver minivan. We dumped my stuff in the trunk and both climbed in,
buckling our seatbelts before Aunt Ella pulled out of the driveway.
"I've been okay. Schools...boring. Teachers are...boring."
She laughed like I had just told a funny joke. "Well, that's high
school my dear. What about friends?"
"Well, Kara and I agreed that one week out of the summer I would go
see her and one week she would come see me."
"Sounds good. I've been wanting to meet her. She sounds like a nice girl."
I nodded, smiling. "Yeah, she's a sweetheart."
"How's the grade situation?" She questioned, her eyes on the road as
we continued to drive through my familiar home town. It was weird...I
almost felt like I maybe missed it.
"They're good." I answered casually, starring out the car window, just
watching everything that I had grew up around pass me by. It felt so
odd being back here. So...out of place. "So...” I began awkwardly,
unaware of how to bring this topic up. "How's dad been?"
She shrugged, glancing my way a bit. "He's the same."
I sighed. "That's too bad."
I heard her laugh beside me, even though I knew she was serious.
"It'll be okay. Maybe this summer you and your dad can work out some
of your...issues from the past."
I rolled my eyes. "Dad? Doesn't something like that involve talking?
That's never really been his thing."
Aunt Ella sent me a sympathetic smile. "Sorry Hun. But you know if you
want to get through to him you'll have to talk to him."
I sighed, my chin resting on my hand as I continued to stare out the
window. "I think I'd rather not."
---
I bit my lip as we reached the farm where I had grown up. It sure did
feel like good old Summerfield, Ohio now. I jumped out of Ella's
minivan, looking around the place. It had been almost a year since I
had been here. Sadly, though, it appeared as if nothing had changed. I
tried not to think that that was purely a reflection on my dad's
behalf. He kept the place up and running but he was so afraid of
change that he wouldn't make any to even his farm. The house. My
childhood home. It looked as if it may have been repainted, but
painted that same color. The same old porch swing sitting out in
front, moving back and forth along with the wind.
I grabbed my bags from the back, trying to get my mind off the
nervous butterflies in my stomach. Why was I so afraid? This was my
home. It was only my dad. Why was I so nervous and unsure about being
back?
As I gathered my things, my aunt and I making our way to the house. I
smiled when I heard the wind chime sounding off as it blew with the
wind, just like the porch swing was doing. The wind chime wasn't
necessarily well made, but it was special to me. My mom and I had made
it together once one summer. It had no money value, but it was worth
something to me.
"We're here!" Ella yelled as we entered the front room of my
childhood home. Just like the outside, nothing but minor improvements
had been made. Nothing noticeable and nothing drastic in any sense. If
I hadn't had every detail of this house mesmerized I wouldn't have
been able to tell. And I'm sure that's exactly how dad had wanted it.
"Mara Belle." My dad greeted as he entered the room. He was wearing a
flannel shirt and worn out blue jeans, just like he always had. His
beard was shaven and trimmed, his face sketched with a smile.
I tried not to cringe at my full name. He was the only one in the
world who still called me Mara Belle. "Hey dad." I smiled too, a
little out of force, but it was more naturally done than expected.
He opened his arms for a hug and I awkwardly slid into them, hugging
back with one arm as I carried a bag with the other.
He let go of me and looked over me, probably taking in whatever
changes had been made considering the slightly displeased look on his
face.
I knew what he was expecting. He was expecting the same little girl I
was before I had left. The one that didn't wear makeup or any kind of
revealing clothing. But since then I had begun wearing eyeliner,
started dressing more like other girls, and even cut my hair so I had
bangs that came right down to my eyes.
I could tell he didn't like the changes. He didn't like that my blue
eyes were now outlined with black, that my lips were glossed, or that
I was currently wearing shorts. Something I almost never wore in
public before.
"That's um...an interesting outfit." He commented. I looked down at my
shorts and t-shirt. The shorts granted were a bit short, even for my
taste, and the shirt was tight.
"It was warm." I excused it, throwing a glance back at my Aunt who
just gave an encouraging smile.
"Yeah. And your hair is...different."
"I got bangs."
He nodded slowly. "I noticed."
An awkward silence had fallen upon the three of us now. I rocked back
and forth on my heels, waiting for someone to say something. Anything.
"Well," Ella broke the silence, wrapping an arm around my
shoulder, but looking at my dad. She didn't see the grateful smile I
gave. "I'm going to help Belle unpack real quick then I can make
something for dinner. Sound good?"
I nodded quickly, possibly a little too happy to be getting away.
"Yup. Perfect."
My dad nodded. "Sure, we can catch up at dinner."
I nodded, grabbing my stuff and practically jogged up the stairs. I
smiled when I reached my old room. My old comforter from childhood
already made up on my bed, a few pillows tossed on so that I wouldn't
have to worry about getting all my comforter and sheets from boarding
school right away. It was nice to be back in my room. My lavender
colored room that we had painted when I was eight. Growing up it was
my favorite place in the entire house. It was mine. It was peaceful
and quite. Somewhere I could go to think and relax.
"I bet you missed it in here." Ella commented as she came through
the door. She smiled, laying myself down on the floor.
"Yeah, I did." I said, looking at some of my childhood knick knacks
that I had picked up throughout the years that sat on the shelf above
my bed. "It's weird being back."
"It will be for a while. You were gone a long time."
"Yeah." I nodded, smiling subconsciously at a picture of my mother and
I that sat on my bedside table. It had been taken years before. She
looked so happy as she wore her favorite sundress, relaxing on the
porch swing. I was sitting next to her, her arm wrapped around me and
we were both laughing. "I miss these days."
Ella looked over my shoulder, smiling at me knowingly. "She was
beautiful, wasn’t she?"
"Yeah, she was.” I said glancing at her from over my shoulder. "I
just wish...if she hadn't of di-" I didn't finish. I didn't want to.
"I know, sweetie." She comforted. And I knew she really did
understand. "She would be so incredibly proud of you, you know."
"Thanks." I felt tears begin to sting my eyes, but I blinked them
back, refusing to let a tear fall.
"How about I leave you to your unpacking and I'll go start dinner, okay?"
I nodded, giving her a grateful smile. "Okay." She left me to myself
in my old room.
I couldn't help but feel a little better being back here.
---
To keep my dad happy I changed into capris and an old t-shirt that was
about two sizes too big for me. I had unpacked most of my things and was
now starving. I made my way down stairs, tying my hair into a pony
tail as I did. I sniffed the air as I entered the kitchen. I smiled.
It smelled like home.
It was my favorite too. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy and
green beans. I licked my lips subconsciously, looking over Ella's
shoulder at the sizzling chicken she was cooking. "Smells great."