Summer Winds (22 page)

I examined the crow’s feet at the corners of my eyes and saw traces of lines that were beginning to form on my forehead and around my mouth.
She’s young and you’re not. And when her gorgeous skin
finally experiences a hint of aging and slight creases line her brow,
I will have more lines than the Sunday paper. Ridiculous to have
ever kissed her.
Why didn’t I simply slug her and demand that she get off me? Because, a small voice residing in my heart whispered, you want her. The air came out of my body and I slumped before the mirror, trying to come to terms with that thought.

If wanting is what it’s all about, then I will want someone else.

I burst out of the bathroom to escape the dreaded mirror, dashed into the closet, and got dressed, letting action fill my brain so I could avoid dealing with my heart.
She’s a horny twenty-eight-year-old
looking to have sex with yet another older woman so she’ll have
something to boast about when the summer is over and she’s chasing
every barfly in town. The pain now is nothing compared to what it
would be, if suddenly you fell for her and then she left. Not that I
would fall for her. But I’m not letting this entire summer turn into
a setup for sadness. It’s sex, really. It’s all about sex. Before she
arrived here, I hadn’t thought about it much, and I certainly haven’t
had it enough in my life, so that’s the issue.

I flung my bedroom door open with unintentional force and it bounced back against the wall, startling me and making Cash look up in alarm from the counter where she was having lunch.

“You okay?” She looked surprised and I quickly assured her I was fine. “I was thinking, after what you said last night, that I should get on back home. Take the pressure off both of us,” she said, looking down at the floor.

My heart pounded and my stomach lurched. “What about the second haying? It’s taken a while for you to learn what you’re doing, and now about the time you’ve got it down you want to run—”

“We both know that’s not why I’m leaving.” Her words sounded final and fear flew into my chest and I panicked at the mere thought of her driving away.

“Well, you don’t need to worry about that. Besides, we’ll both be very busy. For instance, I won’t be here tonight, I’m going out.

Stretch Adams asked me. City council fundraiser and he’s invited me to attend.” The frantic lie rolled off my lips.

“You want to date Stretch Adams about like I want to kiss a pig!” Dating Stretch was an insane utterance, and Cash was right, but if nothing else, it signaled my desire to find the straight and narrow and to make sure she didn’t leave. Those two thoughts might be diametrically opposed, but I was too upset to analyze that possibility.

“You’re just running away, Maggie. We’re at an impasse here, and for me it’s physically and emotionally painful.” Her eyes bore into me like a truth meter.

“I simply want you to stay and help me with the second haying,” I said evenly.

Snatching her diary from the table, she headed out onto the porch and sat on the swing. After a few minutes she jumped up and walked toward the back pasture and I let out a long sigh, upset with damned near everything, myself at the top of the list.

The phone rang and I grabbed it. Buck’s jovial voice came across loud and abrasive, as if he thought the wires had failed and only volume would suffice. He apologized for not stopping back by on his way home from Texas, but wanted me to know that I’d more than fulfilled my obligation with Cash.

“I was intending to call her tomorrow and thought I’d check with you first. Easy for me to suggest she get her tail on back home.

What do you think?” And for some reason his tone and the timing of his call made me believe he’d spoken to Cash and she’d said something about being unhappy. His words buzzed through my head like insects and I felt faint.

“There’s no rush.” I tried to sound casual.

“Well, second haying is probably on you pretty soon. Unless you need her—”

“I do need her.” My response was too quick and my heart jammed in my throat at the confession. “Certainly through the next haying anyway. We can talk after that.”

The pause on the phone line lasted so long that for a moment I wondered if we’d been disconnected, then he spoke. “She’s told you she’s into gals, I guess.” His tone contained a tension. Not defensiveness or embarrassment, but more like he was worried.

“She told me.” I was still breathless and tried to control my breathing during the silence.

“You okay? Does that upset you, because if it does, I could—”

“Stop apologizing for her, Buck. She’s a terrific woman and she’s worked very hard the whole time she’s been here.”

“Didn’t mean it that way. You just sound nervous, that’s all.

You know her liking women used to bother me some, but the way I see it now, Maggie, is that we oughta do what makes us feel good in life, what makes us happy. After that, well, hell, there is no after that. You know what I mean?”

“I have a date tonight.” I could have punched myself after I said it. One lie always leads to another, and I wasn’t a good liar.

“Just a fellow in town. No one, really.”

“Well, now…” He seemed taken aback by that information.

“Cash didn’t tell me you were dating anyone.”

“Well, I wasn’t, or I mean I haven’t been.”

“Guess I’ll need a full report. Anyway, I appreciate your keeping Cash for the summer. She sure admires you and enjoys your company and uh…I think you’ve taught her a lot.”

“That’s very nice,” I said, and looked for a way to wrap up the conversation. Hanging up, I slumped back against the counter thinking about Cash leaving.
God, God, God. Imagine lusting after
Buck’s daughter and then lying about dating someone to cover up.

I’m fully fucked!

I got dressed up a little, in case Cash saw me leave, and drove into town around six p.m. as if I were meeting Stretch Adams.

Parking my truck out of sight behind the 2-K, I walked around to the front and entered, spotting Donnetta. She was about to close the place down, and one look at me apparently told her I needed private counseling.

“You sit, Missy, have a cup of coffee. I’ll get everybody out of here and you and I will talk. I haven’t seen you in weeks.” I nodded and waited, my mind paddling around in my head looking for a place to stay above water, drowning in my own illicit desires.
What
in the world am I to do? How long will this feeling last? How can I
get rid of it?

Twenty minutes later, the last ticket rung up at the cash register, Donnetta threw the lock on the door, turned the Closed sign over, and slid into the booth across from me.

“Heard you narrowly missed the fire,” she said, using mundane topics to find out how to get into what was bothering me.

“Yes.” I nodded.

“Heard you fired Bo for coming on to Cash.”

I nodded again, not able to speak.

“Are you going to talk or just keep acting like a bobble-headed doll?”

I teared up.

“Did somebody die? Get hurt? Do you need money?” She paused. “Are you in love?” The last question came out as if she’d just discovered it and the wonder in her voice amused even her.

“Who is it? This isn’t good, I can tell from the look on your face. Is he married?”

“We kissed.”

“Who? Not Cash!” My expression must have confirmed her fears. “Well, honey, we can take care of that…” Her tone sounded as if she was willing to come out to the ranch and black her eyes.

“Maggie Tanner, look at me.”

I raised my head and shook it slightly, as if even I couldn’t figure myself out.

“Omigod, don’t tell me.”

“She just does something to me.”

“Does what? Omigod, you slept with her.” I shook my head no.

“Good. Good. I mean, you know, time out. Maybe you’ve just been alone too long, you think? Happens to animals if they’re penned up away from the opposite sex.”

“There’s something about her.” My tone must have communicated that I was captivated by her because Donnetta shifted from wanting to punch her out to justifying my feelings.

“Okay, well, look, it’s no big deal. Bighorn sheep are gay and male giraffes have orgies.” Her words tumbled out and my eyes widened. “Although when I looked it up in
National Geo
, I think they said it was a temporary condition. But that’s good too, the idea that it’s temporary, I mean.”

“Why were you looking it up?”

“Well, because I saw the way you were kind of undressing her with your eyes when you went to the River Festival. Even back then, Cash looked like she wanted to rip your clothes off so I started trying to figure it out. According to a lot of studies, most people know they’re gay from the time they’re very young, but a lot of women find out late in life.”

“Could you be less of a sexual encyclopedia and more of a friend?”

“It’s not uncommon. Some women even leave their husbands.”

“Speaking of husbands, you betrayed me, you know, and told her about my marriage after you swore—”

“I’m sorry! After I did it, I could have killed myself. She just looked so forlorn swinging on ropes to get your attention.” She giggled and I managed a smile.

“What am I going to do about her? I don’t want to be gay and she’s fifteen years younger than I am…and she’s from the city and used to nightlife, and she’s a carouser with lots of girlfriends, or so she says, and you know how people talk in this town. They’ll gossip more than they do about Verta.”

“Already are. Don’t look so aghast. You yanked Bo right off the top of her and kicked his head in. He’s telling everybody who’ll stand still for thirty seconds that you beat him up for coming on to your girlfriend.”

“He attacked her…” I sank into despair.

“What are you going to do about this?”

“Nothing! Of course, nothing. She’ll be leaving for home soon.” I began tearing up again and Donnetta tried to comfort me, pulling napkins out of the box on the table for me to use as Kleenex and reaching across to pat my arm.

“Well, look…” Her conversation briefly stalled as if she was about to say something she wasn’t sure she should and then finally decided to go ahead with it. “If you’re not going to get a disease, or get pregnant, or get killed, then love is supposed to make you feel good.”

“I didn’t say I was in love.”

“Okay, but you haven’t felt this good in a long time, admit it.”

Donnetta jiggled her eyebrows up and down in a comic fashion and I laughed.

“Okay, I feel…really good, except for the crying and the fear.”

“If you like it, phone me. I might throw Buddy out and go after Verta.”

My cell phone rang at that instant, punctuating the joke, and we both jumped, and I answered. It was Cash saying there’d been an explosion at the ranch. I headed for the door, still talking on the phone while trying to tell Donnetta what was happening.

Cash’s voice was panicked. “The house, Maggie. Something exploded and set it on fire.”

I ran for the truck as Donnetta shouted for me to call her and tell her what was happening. I sped down the highway toward the ranch, dialing the local fire department to make sure they were on the way.

I careened down the driveway in time to see the fire truck and two volunteer firemen reel hoses back in. Cash was thanking the driver.

“Where was it?” I scanned the side of the building in the evening light for damage.

“Backside on the north. Propane tank blew up,” the fireman shouted over the light wind. “If it’d been any closer to the house it would have done more damage. Mostly wallboards to replace. If you’re barbecuing, I’d keep the tanks farther out.”

“I don’t keep propane tanks by the back of the house,” I said out loud to no one, as the firefighters were already on their way out, nothing of interest left for them. I walked through the house and out the back door where metal shards, singed grass, and scarred brick signaled the damage.

At that moment, Perry hustled around the side of the building and we made eye contact. “Who do you think?” I asked. “Your good friend Bo?”

“I doubt it. Even he’s not that dumb,” Perry said, looking a tiny bit remorseful about his associations.

“You think somebody did this on purpose?” Cash asked.

“Country people have their way of expressing displeasure. I’d say somebody’s not happy with us, or with me, most likely.” I strode across the pasture toward Hiram’s house. Cash hurried to catch up, but I waved her off and she fell back with Perry.

Moments later, I banged on the back screen door of their kitchen and Hiram came out wearing dirty, faded blue overalls that formed a ski jump over the top of his enormous belly. He wiped his hand on a stained rag that could have been used as easily to wipe up motor oil as dry dishes, or perhaps both, knowing Hiram.

“Saw you had the fire truck over there. Didn’t stay long, though,” he said casually, squinting under the glow of the sodium light dangling from a nearby telephone pole.

“Got it out pretty quick, I guess. I wasn’t home. I think somebody helped it along.”

“What makes you think that?” He turned his head and spat tobacco juice into the bushes by the side of the house and I wondered how much tobacco fertilizer they’d had over the years.

“Propane tank exploded.”

“They’ll do that,” he said, referring to the propane tank as if it had an independent will.

“Not if you don’t own one.” I strolled over to a weeded area, broke off a long stalk of grass, and sucked on the end of it as I plopped down on a large tree stump Hiram used as an outdoor settee.

“You haven’t gone and hacked off any of your suitors lately.”

He looked down at me kind of funny, like he wanted me to really think about that. Stretch Adams’s face popped into my head. “This whole town’s ear is wired to its ass, case you forgot.” He turned and spat again as his wife, Betsy, stepped out on the porch, a big square woman with worried hands she twisted and wrung when not engaged in a particular task. She greeted me with a hug, telling me she hadn’t seen me in a while and was sorry about the fire.