Summer of Sloane (17 page)

“But you wouldn’t answer any of my calls or my e-mails or my texts. I didn’t know what else to do.”

He comes and stands by my side, and I can feel him staring at me, but I don’t look at him. I can’t. Instead I watch the waves as they crash into the shore, then pull back out and ready themselves to do it all over again.

“I can’t breathe without you, Sloane. It’s so hard to breathe.” He presses a hand against his chest, and I know
exactly
how he feels.

But that crazy laugh slips out again before I can stop it. “God, Tyler—this isn’t about
you
anymore.”

“Why? Is it because of him? Are you in love with him now?”

“Oh, hell no—you don’t get to go there!” I shake my head in disgust. “You’re the one who fucked my best friend. Twice.
And
got her pregnant!” I turn and take a step toward him. “Game over, Tyler. You lose.” As if to make my point, I shove him in the chest with my bad hand.

I give him credit when he doesn’t move. He doesn’t even flinch. Instead he stares down at my cast and drops his head, like he’s finally seeing the impact of what happened between us back at home. Only when he closes his eyes do I see the same thing. Traces of a greenish-purple bruise run along his nose. A bruise that I gave him. There’s also a raw scar that’s on the road to healing; it must be from the surgery.

At first, it feels so good to finally tell him exactly what I’ve been holding back. To say everything I’ve been wanting to say. But then he looks at me and his eyes are brimming with tears. And as soon as one falls, it alerts the rest of them it’s time to go.

I’ve never seen Tyler cry. Not once. But somehow I know this emotion is real, that he’s not faking it. He’s not doing this just to win a sympathy vote from me. And even though I try to fight it, try to stop them from coming, my own tears decide his shouldn’t be alone.

He holds out his hand. But I can’t take it. I can’t touch him—not after he’s touched her. I turn back to stare out at the ocean and swipe at my face. He’s near enough I can hear him breathe, and for reasons I can’t explain, my insides vibrate with how close he stands, like we’re magnetically bound to each other. I can even smell his familiar scent I’ve known for so long, and this time, it’s real—not just a memory—and it makes me shiver.

“Sloane, I’m so, so, sorry,” he whispers.

God how I hate that I feel everything in this moment. Maybe if I’d had a few more weeks, more time away from him, away from everything, I’d be able to just turn it all off. But I can’t help it. I can’t help any of it and him being here is so fucking hard, because I know that the way I feel about him is not something I can just hit the delete key on to make go away. No matter how much I want to.

And even though I thought I’d said everything, thought I’d gotten it all out of my system, I wasn’t even close. Not nearly even close. Because without warning, my entire being breaks apart at the seams, and there’s nothing left inside to hold me up. To hold me together.

I suddenly can’t breathe. My lungs are so tight, they hold on to the last little bit of air they took in and stay that way, as whatever is left slowly leaks out. I squeeze my eyes closed, picturing the empty pool in my head.

I can hear Tyler saying something into my ear, something about focusing. He knows what my little trick is—of course he does—but he can’t help me. Because this time the image is all wrong. It’s broken when it should be whole. And that’s never happened before.

I’m gasping for air, and my head feels so light I know I’m close to passing out. I no longer have any idea where Tyler is, but then he’s right next to me, pressing something into my hand. I feel the familiar plastic of my inhaler and without even thinking I pump two quick puffs in my mouth and breathe deeply for what feels like the first time in minutes. I close my eyes again and focus on each breath, and my pool returns just like it should.

But then I open my eyes. And I see Tyler right there, right in front of me.

I’m so overwhelmed that he had the power to do this to me—that he had me and he had a choice, and he chose wrong.

“Why did you do it?” I whisper. “Why did you choose her and not me?” Because I know that’s what hurts the most. That’s really what has made the biggest hole in my being.

He grabs fistfuls of his hair, pulling so hard, his hands shake. “God, Sloane, because I fucked up! Because I wasn’t thinking. And because…because she said she was in love with me.”

And there it is.

His words slap me in the face with the force of a wicked backhand.

“Oh my God…oh my God.”

Seconds, minutes, hours—I have no idea how long it takes for those words to finally sink in. After all this time, I finally have the answer, but I have no idea what to do with it. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I grab at my knees. “This whole time? The two of you?
Oh my God
.”

“
No
. No, no, no. I swear to you, it’s not what you’re thinking. I was confused at first—I didn’t know what I was feeling. But I do now. Because it’s always been you, Sloane. Always.”

I want so badly to believe him, I really do. But I know I can’t tell him that, because deep down, I don’t believe him at all.

“She was my best friend.”

Pain creases his forehead as he looks away.

“I swear, Sloane, I feel nothing for her.
Nothing
. And I know how this looks. I know I should’ve told you all of this back in Seattle. But I can’t change that…so I’m telling you now.”

It’s evident he’s trying his best to put everything into words this time. But it’s too late. All of it is just too late.

And even if I could find it in me to forgive him, there’s no way I could possibly let it go. Maybe if they’d only been together once, I’d believe it was a mistake and he really was just confused. But the fact they’d done it twice is what makes me sick to my stomach. Because that tells me there’s something more there than even Tyler wants to admit.

“I can’t do this, Tyler. Especially not now. Not after hearing that.”

He squeezes my hand like he’s trying to keep me from slipping away. Like he already knows that I’m gone.

“Please don’t say that. Please…just give me another chance.”

I slowly shake my head and I know he knows this is real.

“Just stop…please stop.”

There’s nothing—not even that smile of his that always makes me melt, that always makes everything better—that will make me change my mind. And it hurts, God does it hurt. But deep down in my very core, I feel that it’s the right thing to do. It’s the right thing for me.

And I’m finally choosing me.

“I love you, Sloane. I’ll always love you.”

But I don’t say it back; I don’t even hint that it might still be there. Because I honestly can’t say that I feel the same. Not anymore.

It’s been two days since Tyler was here.

Finn and I have texted, but he knows I need a little space. A little time. And I’m grateful he’s giving that to me.

My brother tried to talk to me once or twice, but I can’t even look at him.

Exhausted, I’ve slept for hours more than I should have and probably would still be asleep if my mom hadn’t knocked on the door. She comes in carrying a plate of food in one hand, her other arm laden with countless shopping bags practically from wrist to neck. She doesn’t pry and doesn’t ask questions. Instead, she puts everything down and lies next to me on my bed as I cry into her shoulder.

When I finally get a hold of myself, my mom points at all the bags on the floor. God, she must’ve bought the entire mall.

“I saw a few things I thought might make you feel better. Try everything on. Whatever doesn’t fit, we can take back or exchange.”

“Thanks…but you really didn’t have to do that.”

It’s when she rubs her palms along the tops of her thighs I somehow know what she’s about to say isn’t going to involve her recent shopping spree.

“You know your brother told me what happened, and he feels really badly about it. He’s worried about you.”

I close my eyes and roll out my neck. “Whatever, Mom. He should feel bad.”

“Sloane, you should at least let him explain.”

“He told you? Everything?” I scoff, because somehow I highly doubt that. “So then he told you that he and Mia are cheating behind Shep’s back? Or did that not make the cut? They’re both cheaters, Mom, just like Tyler and Mick.”

She holds up her hands, “Sloane, you don’t have all the facts, that’s all I’m saying. Talk to your brother. I promise, not everything is as black-and-white as you think.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever.”

She pulls her lips tight together forming a straight line. And even though she hasn’t been around a lot, I still know that’s not a look I want to challenge.

“Okay, okay, I’ll talk to him later.” She gives me another look just for good measure. “I promise, all right?”

“Good. That would make me happy.” But then she tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and takes a deep breath. Seriously? There’s still more? “So I spoke to your father yesterday and told him about Tyler’s little visit.”

God, I’m zero for two. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I thud my forehead against them and cover my head with both arms.

“Sloane, just listen to me, okay?”

She waits until I mumble my okay, but I don’t bother to move.

“What we talked about is that we both agree maybe it’s time you knew the details around our divorce. Why it happened.”

That is not at all what I was expecting to hear, and it makes me sit up.

“But I need you to understand it’s been a very long time, Sloane—and it’s important you know your father and I love you and your brother no matter what happened with us.” She waits for me to look at her before she continues.

“So there was this new lawyer that had started at your father’s firm. I first met her at their annual summer picnic, then again at the holiday party. I didn’t give her a second look…but I should have.”

My mom turns away and stares at something off in the distance. It’s evident that even after all these years, she still hasn’t let it all go, and a familiar sick feeling twists at my stomach.

“She didn’t care that your father was married, or that he had a family. In fact, I’d even wager she saw that as a challenge.” Her cheeks flush a deep red, and even though I haven’t seen that happen often, I know she’s angry. “Eventually, too many late nights working together got the better of him.”

I shake my head. “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I whisper.

But she only continues. “When he finally broke down and told me, there wasn’t anything he could say that would make me forgive him. Even after he swore to me he wasn’t in love with her, nor was she in love with him. She even left the firm shortly after things ended and moved to New York.”

Her eyes glisten as she wipes at her nose, then stares at her hands. I grab for the box of tissues on my nightstand and put them between us.

In a soft voice she says, “Maybe, had it only been once…well, maybe then I could’ve forgiven him and taken him back. But the fact it was more than that made me realize I’d never be able to trust him again.”

Those words hit me hardest. But I don’t know what to say. She’s my mom. He’s my dad. How do you have that conversation?

“But I did forgive him, Sloane. It took years, but I finally realized the impact those mistakes had on him, too, and what he lost because of them. Most important, I knew I couldn’t harbor all that hate and pain. It would never change what happened, and worst of all, it was making me into someone I didn’t want to be.”

I hear what she’s saying, but I’m not sure how to translate it all to what I’m dealing with.

“It feels like forgiving Tyler right now will make him think that what he did was okay. And it’s not okay. And I can’t even imagine forgiving Mick. She’s in love with him, Mom…and she didn’t even have the nerve to tell me. I mean, would you forgive the chick that slept with Dad?”

My mom puffs out her cheeks, but says nothing. I already know her answer.

“I don’t understand why people can’t be honest and up-front. Or at least have the decency to tell you about it first. They’re all cowards, Mom. All of them…including Dad.”

“That may be true. And I felt all those same things, back when it happened to me. But I’m not telling you to forgive either of them right away—only to think about it all and what it’s worth to you. How much energy do you want to spend hating them? How much time do you want to waste wondering if it’s all your fault, if you could’ve changed any of it? Because I can assure you, sweetheart, none of what happened had anything to do with you. It was between the two of them.

“And while I know hearing all of this now about your father might be difficult, please don’t let this make you feel differently toward him. We all make mistakes, but hating someone for one they’ve made can ruin your life if you let it. Believe me, I’d know.”

She’s talking about my dad, but I know she also means Tyler and Mick. I want so desperately to get to that place where I can let it all go, because I know my mom is right. I can never undo something that’s already been done.

But I can’t even imagine it.