Suicide Note (19 page)
I pulled my hand back, fully intending to smack him across the face. May’s hand grabbed my elbow and stopped me before I could swing as she cleared her throat.
“What the two of you had wasn’t love. You don’t even know the meaning of the word.” She spat as she tugged on my arm to pull me away. I followed her, feeling the bile rise in my throat. I wanted to tell my sister that she could do better, she deserved better, but I knew she wouldn’t listen. She wanted Thomas for his social stature, not his compassion.
“One drink. I think we could use one drink,” May said as we made our way back to the flower shop. She found a bottle of champagne and grabbed two flutes. I took the glasses in my hand and held them for her as she poured.
I guzzled my drink, struggling to keep my composure as I gulped. I didn’t know what upset me more, the fact that Thomas had just hit on me at his own wedding, or that he had said something to Shane about sleeping with me. The idea made my skin crawl.
“Are you ready?” my sister asked with a beaming smile on her face. I swallowed hard and nodded that I was ready to watch her make the biggest mistake of her life. I couldn’t live her life for her, and she knew in her heart that Thomas was no good for her.
“Yes,” I replied as I looked at May, pleading for her to take me away from this place. She grinned sullenly and patted me on the shoulder.
I thought the first day I left for war was the hardest in my life, but it didn’t compare to the heartache I felt having to walk away from Jenn. I had never felt such an immediate connection with another person. I didn’t have to pretend to be strong with her. She accepted me—flaws and all.
I couldn’t wait to catch up with Owens and tell him about my leave. I hadn’t spoken to him since we parted ways in Maine. I wondered if he had found love with his pen pal. I hoped he had made enough memories to get him through the last stretch of this deployment.
I wondered if May had been able to convince Jenn to attend her sister’s wedding. I had pulled her aside while we said our good-byes at her house and made sure she understood how much Jenn meant to me. I clenched my fist as I thought of how hard it would be for her. I know she didn’t want to face her family, especially after what had happened between Thomas and me. I hoped she was as strong as I know her to be and went anyway. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was important that she didn’t let her ex dictate her relationship with her family.
If all worked out, I would still be able to make Jenn smile from the other side of the world, with the help of May and Jake. I only wished I could see the look on Jenn’s face. I was addicted to making her happy. It was now my goal to get back to her at any cost just so I could see that beautiful smile again.
I had found Jenn hurting and I did my best to make her feel whole before leaving again, but I knew this would take its toll on her. She was much stronger than I gave her credit for, but even the strongest can break under the pressure of a deployment. It would take a lot of work and faith to keep this together for the next six months. I was prepared to do whatever it took, but I couldn’t control this situation. I had to leave this one to fate. I would scare Jenn away otherwise, and I never wanted to be the reason that she hurt ever again.
I thought of May and Jake’s boys. How would they handle having a father who was never around? I knew the answer to that. I may not have known why my father was absent, but it didn’t change the fact that I was forced to learn everything a man should know from an uncle who had his own children to raise. I wanted to meet him. I wanted to throw it in his face that I turned out just fine without him. But had I? I pushed everyone in my life away. That had to stop and in order to change, I would need to contact him and separate man from myth. I didn’t expect a hug and a beer with dear old dad, but maybe a conversation to help clarify what had happened. I needed to let him know that when he walked away, I stepped up and became the man of the house. That didn’t last very long but in that short amount of time, I had changed. I wasn’t the carefree kid playing with GI Joes. I was the boy that hugged my mother when she cried, helped her clip coupons so we would have food for dinner, and pulled more weight around the house than any other first grader just so she wouldn’t have to.
In the end, she still died alone. I would never hurt a woman the way my father had hurt my mother. I also wouldn’t put a child through what I went through. I didn’t know how to be anything but a soldier. It was who I was meant to be and children would never factor into that equation. Maybe it was my fear that kept me from moving on with life plans. Chelsea wanted a baby. She talked about having a large family constantly. I knew my reluctance factored into her leaving me. She would never admit it, but I knew in her heart that was something in her life she wouldn’t compromise on.
I wish I knew what Jenn saw in her future. I knew she was career-driven, like I was, but beyond that, I didn’t know. She had almost married Thomas and as much as I hated that it hurt her, I was glad she didn’t end up with him. I wondered if she would ever consider marrying me.
These are the crazy thoughts that run through your brain when you are about to put boots in sand. It’s important to focus beyond the deployment. Give yourself hope. Jenn was my hope.
Jenn
March 28, 2010, The Wedding
My sister looked stunning standing on the bridge overlooking the water. Her eyes locked on the man I was supposed to be marrying in that very spot. I would have to find a new place to read books. This place would forever be a reminder of all the things in my life that had gone wrong. All except Shane. The day he found me on the bridge had changed my outlook on life. He had so much anger and hurt bottled up inside of him, but he didn’t hesitate to help me when he thought I needed it.
He was the strength I wish I had when dealing with all of the wrong in my life. I wished there were adequate words to tell him how much he means to me now. I know he is on a plane somewhere in the world wondering if I am thinking of him. He doesn’t have anything to worry about. I couldn’t erase him from my mind, or my heart, if I wanted to.
I watched as my sister repeated her vows to Thomas. My mother dabbed at her eyes with a cloth napkin, my father held her hand and smiled. It was all a show and they played their parts perfectly. The rings were exchanged and I watched as they kissed each other with excessive enthusiasm and the crowd cheered.
I slipped my feet out of my heels and carried them in my hand as I searched out May.
“How are you holding up?” May asked quietly.
“I’m fine,” I replied as my eyes scanned the small waves below. “Water under the bridge.” I smiled and nudged her with my shoulder.
“Let’s go get that drink now!” She laughed as we made our way to the car. I knew my presence at the reception wouldn’t be missed, and I needed some alcohol to make this day a little bit more bearable.
We drove to local bar, still wearing our hideous wedding attire.
“Prom just let out?” The bartender laughed as he wiped out a mug with a dishrag.
“Yes, and we brought our fake IDs for this very special night,” I joked as we sat down on two stools.
“Where’s your dates?” he asked as he sat the mug down and leaned toward us.
“Jake is grabbing a hotel room down at the Cheap Sleep,” May laughed.
“Jake?” He furrowed his brow. “The suit?”
“He does indeed wear a suit. You know him?” May asked. This was a small town and I didn’t know of any other Jake’s in the area.
“He used to come in here every day but he stopped about a week or so ago. I was worried something happened to him.”
May looked down at the bar as she let the information sink in.
“Two Bud Lights, please.” I held up two fingers and the bartender nodded and went off to retrieve our drinks. I rubbed May’s back trying to think of a way to console her.
“Do you think he would cheat on me?” she asked as her teary eyes looked up to mine.
“What? No. He would never cheat on you, May.”
“You see him at work every day. Does he flirt with anyone?”
I snorted. Not my finest moment. But the idea of Jake being remotely kind to anyone at work was comical. I practically considered them family now, but in the past, I was sure Jake had hated me.
“I have never seen him show any interest in anyone.”
“Here ya go, ladies.” The bartender set two mugs in front of us. May reached out, wrapping her fingers around his wrist.
“Was Jake ever in here with anyone?” Her voice shook as she spoke.
“Yeah, a couple of times.” He shrugged. The world stopped spinning as we both held our breath and waited for him to finish. “He was with some guy a couple of times. Really intense dude, but he seemed to be helping him.”
May’s fingers released the man’s wrist as her shoulder’s relaxed and she picked up her mug, taking a big gulp.
“He was with Shane.” I couldn’t help but smile as I took a drink. She sighed in relief and shook her head. “You know he would never…” I let my voice trail off.
“I know. He loves me as much as I love him. But sometimes I worried… When we couldn’t have another baby, I felt like a failure. You know?”
“May, you are not a failure and no one, not even Jake, sees it that way.”
“I know he doesn’t. That’s how I see it.”
“You know what we need? A girl’s night out. Let Jake watch the boys and we can go out and do some fun girly stuff.”
“That does sound nice. I haven’t had my nails or hair done in years.”
“Good. It’s a date.” I laughed, but sadness washed over me as I remembered Shane and me on our first “non-date” date at the movies.
“I can assure you he is thinking about you right now,” May said with a smile before taking another sip of her drink.
“How do you know I was thinking about him?” I asked as I wiped the condensation from my mug.
“You have that look in your eyes.”
“What look?”
“Love.”
I pulled my lower lip between my teeth and bit down on it, unable to look her in the eye.
“Oh, my God! You do love him, don’t you?” May’s problems were seemingly forgotten when she uncovered my secret.
“I think I do.” I nodded. “I do.” I snuck a peak at her through my hair that hung in a curtain against my face.
“Good. That’s really good. Does Shane know?”
“Yeah, he knows.” I could feel the blush creeping over my cheeks. I liked sharing my feelings about Shane with someone else. Ideally, I would have called my sister and gossiped about my feelings, but she and I didn’t have that kind of relationship. I wasn’t used to being able to be so open with another female.
“Well, I want all of the details while we’re out on our girl’s night.”
“Deal.” I held up my glass and May followed suit. We clinked them together and both took a drink. “How did you and Jake meet?” I asked as I bobbed my head to the music coming from the radio behind the counter.
“We met when we were teenagers at a park.”
“That sounds nice.”
“Yeah, it was. We ran in the same crowd but had never met. Our friends all played basketball and Jake and I climbed on top of a roof over the picnic tables and talked for hours. Two days later he was calling me his girlfriend and the rest is history.”
“You’re lucky to have found each other so young.”
“It makes things a little more difficult. You are still growing and learning who you are. That can be tricky. We both changed a lot since those days but in the end, I think it made us stronger.”
“Any advice for the relationship challenged?”
“Never give up. Things will get hard. No relationship is easy. You have to work through your problems as if tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, because it’s not. Never go to bed angry and always make sure you say I love you every chance you get.”
“You ever think of becoming a therapist?”
“Oh, honey. I’m a mom, therapist, chef, chauffeur, nurse, and I have even been known to kill a few spiders.” She winked at me as she motioned for the bartender to refill our glasses.
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“No one knows
how
to be a mother. There is no handbook. Believe me. I have looked. You learn as you go.”
“I wish we would have met sooner. I could have used some of your advice over the years.”
“Most of my advice came from Jake’s mom, MaryAnn. She was an amazing woman. She made everything look so…effortless. I’m here if you need me. Might be here for a
long
while if the bartender doesn’t bring us our drinks,” she giggled.
“You don’t drink much, do ya?” I asked with a laugh. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone.
“Hello?”
As soon as I heard her voice, all of the sadness I had built up inside of me dissipated.
“God I’ve missed the sound of your voice.” I closed my eyes as I pictured her smiling up at me.
“Shane? I was so worried!” Jenn said as she relaxed back into her office chair.
“We got into country a few hours ago. I called as soon as I could. How are you? How are you holding up?” I wanted to ask if this was as hard for her as it had been for me.
“It’s been so hard, Shane. I think about you constantly. I haven’t gotten any work done all morning.” She laughed. God she laughed. I missed that sound. “Luckily my boss isn’t such a bad guy.”
I smiled, relieved that Jake was taking it easy on her. She didn’t have many people in her life that she could rely on.
“That’s good, sunshine. I’m glad to hear it.”
“You still haven’t told me why you call me that.”
I smiled as I thought back to when I first met Jenn. She was wearing yellow and she had this pull about her. I couldn’t stay away from her even if I had wanted to. She was gravity. She was the light in the darkest of my days, and her smile ignited a flame inside of me that had gone out a long time ago.
“One day I’ll tell you.”
There was a moment of silence before she spoke again, her voice cracking.