Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: #General, #21st Century, #Lancaster; Jen, #Authors; American - 21st century, #Cultural Heritage, #Personal Memoirs, #Family Life, #Fiction, #Biography, #Jeanne, #Authors; American, #Biography & Autobiography, #Romance, #Women
Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE - Like I Haven’t Heard That Before
CHAPTER TWO - Pack Your Knives and Go, Mom
CHAPTER THREE - Talking (Terrible) Turkey
CHAPTER FOUR - Two Fat People Admit Defeat
CHAPTER FIVE - Lookin’ Good and Feelin’ Fine? Not So Much
CHAPTER SEVEN - I Wish I Could Quit You, Olive Garden
CHAPTER EIGHT - Gentlemen, Start Your Cheesecakes
CHAPTER NINE - It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time
CHAPTER TEN - Careful What You Wish For
CHAPTER ELEVEN - I Like New York in June; How About You?
CHAPTER TWELVE - Less Talk-y, More Drive-y
CHAPTER THIRTEEN - Reaching Critical (M)ass
CHAPTER FIFTEEN - Metamorpha-Sissy
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - Et Tu, Valerie Bertinelli?
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - Enough with the Cake Already; God!
CHAPTER NINETEEN - Swim It Out, Bitch
CHAPTER TWENTY - The N-a-k-e-d Truth
“Jen Lancaster is wickedly funny,
refreshingly honest, and totally unapologetic.”*
Raves for Bright Lights, Big Ass
“Lessons we’ve learned from Jen Lancaster: Bitter is the new black; Target is the new Neiman’s; pit bulls and surly neighbors are the new Samanthas, Charlottes and Mirandas; and midday whiskey is always a good idea.
Bright Lights, Big Ass
is a bittersweet treat for anyone who’s ever survived the big city.”
—Jennifer Weiner, author of
The Guy Not Taken
“Refreshing, hysterical, illuminating! From the title on,
Bright Lights, Big Ass
is an antihaute hoot. In a voice that’s charming and snarky, hilarious and human, Jen Lancaster tells the ultraglamorous truth about real big-city living. And it’s better than anything on TV. Jen Lancaster does not teeter around on Manolo Blahniks or have lobster for breakfast. She eats pork chops and Lucky Charms. She dreams of shopping sprees at Target. She works temp jobs and spends too much time Googling things online. She wears footie pajamas. In other words, she’s a lot like the rest of us. Thank God! And this wonderful, sweet, funny book proves once and for all that Carrie Bradshaw and her
Sex and the City
cronies are big fat liars. Of course. Of course they are.”
—Lori Jakiela, author of
Miss New York Has Everything
“
Bright Lights, Big Ass
is brightly crafted and big on laughs.”
—*Caprice Crane, author of
Stupid and Contagious
and
Forget About It
“Jen Lancaster may be one of the few authors around capable of writing her own sitcom; she’s smart, wry, and never afraid to point out her own shortcomings while letting us into her uniquely funny world.”
—Melanie Lynne Hauser, author of
Super Mom Saves the World
“Jen Lancaster is the Holy Trinity of funny.”
—Nicole Del Sesto, author of
All Encompassing Trip
“After reading
Bright Lights, Big Ass
, I’m convinced Jen Lancaster is the illegitimate love child of Nora Ephron and David Sedaris. She’s simply that great—a genetic hybrid of two of America’s most-loved writers. In
Bright Lights
,
Big Ass
, Jen Lancaster gives the proverbial finger to the Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle, trading Barneys, Manolo Blahnik, and Bergdorf for her very own shopping Holy Trinity: Target, Trader Joe’s, and Ikea; allowing women everywhere to rejoice in their sixty-dollar Isaac Mizrahi Target coats.”
—Robert Rave, author of
Conversations & Cosmopolitans: How to Give Your Mother a Hangover
"Jen Lancaster is like David Sedaris with pearls and a supercute handbag. ”—Jennifer Coburn, author of
The Queen Gene
"Part
Seinfeld
, part antidote to
Sex and the City
,
Bright Lights, Big Ass
is the must-read for anyone who has ever suffered through a regretfully torturous workout with her trainer, a run-in with irrational, perhaps psychotic neighbors, a long-winded, insipid telemarketer, or the black hole known as Ikea. (And really, isn’t this everyone?) Nothing and no one is spared from Jen Lancaster’s acerbically sharp wit, as she gives voice to all of the things we wish we could say but don’t. I defy you not to laugh out loud on nearly every page. Someone give this girl her own show already!
That
would be must-see TV.”
—Allison Winn Scotch, author of
The Department of Lost and Found
Praise for Bitter Is the New Black
“The woman is nothing if not spunky, and she does have her funny moments, particularly when sticking it to The Man.”
—
The Washington Post
“Carrie Bradshaw meets Barbara Ehrenreich in this memoir about white-collar unemployment after the dot-com bubble burst.”
—
Kirkus Reviews
"She’s bitchy and sometimes plain old mean, but she’s absolutely hilarious. ”—
Chicago Sun-Times
"Jen Lancaster’s confessions should be mandatory reading for the absurdly salaried young smart-arses around town…An honest, insightful, and ultimately feel-good handbook for what to do when ruin beckons.”
—Deborah Hope of
The Australian
“A classic story of comeuppance, written from real-life experience by the funniest new author from the blogosphere. A strong debut and a must-read for any American princess.”
—Jessica Cutler, author of
The Washingtonienne
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First published by New American Library,
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First Printing, May 2008
Copyright © Jennifer Lancaster, 2008
All rights reserved
REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA
eISBN : 978-1-436-20489-7
1. Lancaster, Jen, 1967- 2. Authors, American—21st century—Biography. I. Title.
PS3612.A54748Z46 2008
813’.6—dc22
[B] 2007049710
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For Jennifer Coburn,
the queen (gene) of the good idea.
For Barbie, who opened the door
and shoved me through it.
And for everyone who
ever lived with a person on a diet . . .
I am deeply sorry.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
This is the true story of a fat, mean girl on a diet. For the sole purpose of relating this story, I had to compress a few time lines and alter some names and characteristics. But in case you’re wondering, yes, I was that fat, I was that mean, and I did eat that much cheese. (And I thank you for not mentioning it.)
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
—A WEIGHT WATCHERS AXIOM
Weight Watchers can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
—A JEN LANCASTER AXIOM
PROLOGUE
TO: [email protected]
FROM : jennifer_coburn@home
SUBJECT: Bright Lights, Big Ass Idea
Dear Jen,
After having just finished writing my fifth novel, I’m fresh out of ideas, but I have one for you.
I don’t know if you’ve ever dieted before, but I have and I’m pissed off—a lot, especially when I see the size zero Desperate Housewives inhaling ice cream or when I see Dove fat ass cream saying, hey, it’s okay to have a fat ass (but still buy the fat ass cream, please). When Paris Hilton washed that car eating a Carl’s Jr. burger, I wanted to shove the hose down that skinny bitch’s throat and turn the pressure on full blast.
Every dieting story out there is so damned upbeat and inspiring, but the reality is that when we’re losing weight, we’re not in the mood for all the smiley-faced gurus telling us how easy it is. No, we need YOU chronicling your journey and making people laugh at your witty observations about our culture, weight, dieting, and skinny whores in magazines. That’s my pitch. Love it, hate it, or indifferent, it’s all fine with me.
What do you think?
Jen Coburn
P.S. Anyone who says nothing tastes as good as being thin feels has obviously never had Korean barbecue.
TO: jennifer_coburn@home
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: RE: Bright Lights, Big Ass Idea
Hey, JC,
What’s shakin’? It’s great to hear from you! Workwise, I’m fooling around with fiction that I can’t quite call young adult because my protagonist is in college. (I’m hoping to appeal to the
Veronica Mars
generation.)
I love the idea of a weight-loss memoir . . . especially the bit with Paris and the hose. However, despite my best efforts, I keep losing (and then finding) the same damn five pounds. My most recent drop came from when I got food poisoning and I’m still counting it as a win. But I’d probably have to start really losing weight for real before I could chronicle it, don’t you think?
’Til then, I’m probably stuck with my knockoff
Veronica Mars
.
Sigh,
Jen
from the desk of miss jennifer ann lancaster
Dear Dean Wormer,
In
Animal House
, you told Bluto that fat, drunk, and stupid was no way to go through life.
I beg to differ. Fat, drunk, and stupid is a perfectly fine way to go through life. . . . After all, it’s worked out nicely for me.
Best,
Jen Lancaster