Suburgatory (30 page)

Purchased Breast Milk
Tainted by McDonald's

Suburgatory, USA—Breast-feeding activists are up in arms after one working mother purchased breast milk later found to be contaminated by McDonald's.

The mother, Tinsley Maher, corporate lawyer for Proskauer Rose, purchased what she called “premium” milk at four dollars per ounce, after her own milk supply dried up. “Good God, I wasn't going to give Maeve formula. I work eighty hours a week. I couldn't pump. So I found some on ThanksfortheMammaries.com. And then this happens.”

Maher felt like her daughter “just wasn't her unique, singular self when I was reading a bedtime story to her one night on Skype. Maeve's essence just wasn't there.” She suspected the breast milk might be to blame and had the Board of Health test the samples in her freezer. The Board subsequently found traces of the Angus Beef Third Pounder, Sausage Biscuit, and, most troubling to Maher, the McRib. “McRib. Nanny Elvie has been giving my baby girl liquid McRib. In a bottle.”

Maher is particularly troubled because the source of the milk came from within the well-known local breast-feeding collective and progressive social group called the Titty Tribe.

“I mean, if this came from a disadvantaged person, someone for whom McDonald's is part of their culture, what their people do, well, then I would understand. Even if maybe she was a poor single mother or something, and was desperate for money and sold her milk. I understand that deep socioeconomic disparities can drive people to do sickening, crazy things, like eat McDonald's,” Maher said. She noted that she was a sociology major at Smith and had read
Nickel & Dimed
by Barbara Ehrenreich on the flight to a client meeting. “Proskauer Rose has a great program every year where we paint festive murals [in poor urban neighborhoods] and clean up their filthy playgrounds,” Maher said.

“But this was ‘premium milk'! The mom is part of the Titty Tribe, for Chrissake! She eats at McDonald's, and then sells her revolting, corporate, pesticide and growth hormone–filled milk to
me?
” Authorities say they would prosecute if they could, but there are no laws on the books that pertain to McDonald's-tainted breast milk. “There will be soon enough,” said Maher. “I didn't go to Harvard Law School for nothing.”

The mother who sold the milk refused to give her name. She has weaned her own child but is still lactating and thought she was, in her words, “paying it forward by selling my precious mothers' milk.” She says in her defense that she does not normally eat at McDonald's, but that pumping breast milk makes her “lose her mind” and “eat like an animal.” “I only went through the drive-thru a few times,” she said. “I never thought it would show up in a test. I just hope I didn't do Maeve any lasting damage. I'll never do it again.”

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Mom of Eight Amazingly Taut,
Except for Vagina

Suburgatory, USA—An energetic mother of eight is a local legend at her fitness club for her “amazingly taut” body, but she has revealed exclusively to this reporter that her vagina is not included in this characterization.

“Oh no no, are you kidding? God has allowed me to birth eight beautiful babies the way He intended! I have to wear a cup to keep that thing from flip-flapping around at the gym!”

Laurie Bishop is well-known in the community for being pregnant for much of the last fourteen years, during which she has maintained her lithe body until the very end of the last trimester. She is also known as an active member of the Junior League, a resident of the exclusive Westgate community, and an avid churchgoer who abstains from alcohol.

“We've been so blessed, so blessed. God sent Sofia, Fernando and Paco, Sylvia, and Oksana to us,” Bishop said, referring to the household staff. “And Beeta. Ugh I always forget Beeta. Well, whatever, they are my superstars. I could never manage Team Bishop without them!”

Does her husband mind the slackness of her vagina? “My husband? You mean that useless piece of skin attached to my credit card? Ha! No, I shouldn't say that. Bryan is the leader of our family and our relationship comes before everything, including the kids, like the Bible says it should blah blah blah. I just let him do his business and it may take a little longer but hey I can always go over the kids' day plans in my head so it's no big deal at all, really! An hour and he's done. And then, if God thinks it's right, we get another precious baby.”

Bishop could afford vaginal reconstructive surgery, and indeed has received enhancements to her face and breasts. But she has no interest in vaginoplasty because she views her gaping birth canal as her “gift to God,” and also because her husband doesn't complain. “Complain? Bryan? You're confusing him with a guy who has balls.”

While at the pharmacy, Bishop said, “And anyway, this is what my Lord God Jesus Christ put me on Earth for. Oh yes, I'm picking up for Bishop? Yes “Klon-o-pin.” The stuff that knocks you out?” With that, Bishop muttered “fucking morons” before brightening. “No, I don't have any questions, thanks. God loves my vagina for what it's done, its joyous bounty. Would I like the flubbering and the occasional whistle to stop? Of course I would. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.”

Four-Year-Old Gets
Perez Hilton as “Manny”

Suburgatory, USA—An old-school couple unwittingly hired celebrity blogger Perez Hilton as a “manny” for their four-year-old son, who in turn schooled them all in his special brand of queeny humor.

“Well, we know him as
Mario.
I just thought Mario had a lot of energy and fun hair and I enjoyed his whimsical outfits,” said mother Susan Topping Huntington, who was born into one of the area's oldest and most prominent families, and married into another. Mario Lavandeira is Perez Hilton's real name.

“He was like a performer I'd seen who did gorgeous origami at the holiday benefit for the kids at the library. My salon guy, Jeffrey, really recommended him. And I loved that he was a Mario who spoke such perfect English,” said Huntington, unaware that Hilton's main job is reveling in Hollywood gossip on his heavily trafficked website, and until relatively recently, drawing cocaine and semen drawings across the faces of targeted celebrities.

“He did seem a bit, well, a bit of a dandy. But he is a rather tall man, and these days aren't like the old days. We really have, how should I put this delicately, quite a lot of financial interests that make it crucial for Robert to have a man guard him rather than the traditional Scottish nannies we grew up with.”

Investment banker Peter Huntington soon noticed some odd behavior from Robert. “He kept talking about ‘Perez' and ‘Perezers.' One day he ran into the great room and asked me who was more—what was the word he used?—‘fierce,' I think. ‘Who was more fierce, Miz Dita Von Teese or Miz Kylie Minogue?'” Both parents assumed that these were teachers or specialists at the exclusive preschool Robert attends. They are actually a burlesque star and an aging pop singer, respectively, both lionized as divas by Hilton.

It was Peter Huntington who finally discovered Hilton's true identity while attending a benefit for at-risk youth. Featured was Hilton's anti-bullying testimonial for “It Gets Better.” He also learned that Hilton had recently toned down his site and had stopped drawing those apparent cocaine and semen scribblings.

When confronted by the Huntingtons, Hilton told them, “You caught me! Took you hella long to figure it out!” And when asked why he decided to become a manny, Hilton said it was part of his reinvention from viciously catty to more mainstream. “I got tired of drawing cum and coke on people's faces. No more calling Jennifer Aniston ‘Maniston.' I was tired of being the cattiest ‘Queen of all Media' and wanted something real, authentic. And Robert's a great kid. He totally brought the ferocity on some of La Lohan's captions. He loves RiRi [Rihanna] and Selenita [Selena Gomez] as much as I do. And I just got a cameo on
Glee!
I realized pretty fast, dahlings, this bitch can't quit.”

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