Stronger With Her (27 page)

“I was hoping we’d talk,” I start quietly. He looks up with tears in his eyes.

“We will. I just have to figure out how to say what I need to say. I’ve never had this conversation with a woman I was interested in and it’s surprisingly difficult,” he smiles weakly.

“How about I go first. Would that help you?” I offer. I don’t really want to go first, I want him to tell me about this other woman and child, but if it gets the ball rolling, I’m willing to try. James finally looks me in the eye and nods.

“When I was growing up, I dreamt of being a princess. I wanted the fairy tale with the prince slaying dragons and all that crap Julia Roberts talks about in Pretty Woman. But, I was encouraged to be independent. I was smart, prodigy smart. My parents, at first, wanted me to become a surgeon or something. I finished high school when I was thirteen years old and had my first bachelor’s degree at seventeen. Because I was so young, I did all my courses online, which is what fed my love of computers.

“When I was fifteen my sister starting acting strange. She would yell at the walls and lock herself in her room a lot. My parents thought she was doing drugs and threatened to kick her out of the house. Things kept getting worse until one day she got a knife from the kitchen and snuck up behind me. She grabbed my arm and pulled me against her, pointing the knife at absolutely nothing. She was talking, but it was gibberish and she wouldn’t let go of me. I was terrified. Thankfully my father came home a few minutes later and was able to talk her into giving him the knife. He called the ambulance and she was hospitalized for two weeks after being diagnosed with schizophrenia.” I stop and take a deep breath knowing that this is going to get worse. James has moved from the couch and is now kneeling on the floor in front of me. His eyes are sympathetic but he doesn’t say a word.

“After that first time things got a little better,” I continue. “Erin was taking her medication and she was seeing a therapist. My parents were helping her find a job, and I was finishing my degree. About six months later we found out that Erin had started hiding her meds and she was smoking pot. She swore that it was the only thing that helped her sleep. Of course, she wasn’t sleeping at all, and that made her psychosis more intense. My mother had to call the police because Erin had broken into their dresser and stolen my father’s gun. She was taken out of the house in handcuffs and put in the hospital for about a month.” I look up and James is still with me. He moves his hand and places it gently on my knee. He nods and I continue with my story.

“I had finished out my final exams and my parents were talking with me about going to college. They said they wanted me to have a normal life. I think they were trying to help me escape the chaos that had taken over our house. Erin’s behavior had gotten bad again and she was always screaming at people who weren’t there or thinking someone was trying to kill me. I wasn’t really interested in getting another degree, but college sounded like it might be fun to try, even if I didn’t go to class. The night of Erin’s death I had decided to go ahead and apply to State. My big sister blew her head off in front of me and my parents and my entire world crumbled. I can remember the sound of the gun and my mother’s screams like it was yesterday.” The tears are rolling down my cheeks, but I don’t try to wipe them away. James is rubbing my leg reassuringly. It feels good to tell him about this, even though it’s painful to relive it.

“Unfortunately,” he says gruffly, “my story isn’t any happier.” I look down at him from the chair and he has tears on his face as well. I move to sit with him on the floor, wanting to offer him comfort like he has done for me.

“I met Danielle in college. She was full of life, spontaneous, and a free spirit. We were total opposites, which is probably what attracted me to her in the first place. It was the end of my junior year and I was taking some pretty intense engineering courses, the kind that have labs and are six to seven credit hours each. It was hard to find time to spend together because I was always working on some project. She was a year behind me and an art major so her classes were on a much different schedule.

“So, one night after a grueling exam, I asked her to come over to my dorm and watch a movie. I just wanted to chill out and not have to think. It was the end of the semester and I was going to be doing an internship over the summer so we weren’t going to see each other until fall. Well, one thing led to another and we didn’t watch much of the movie.” He looks at me guiltily and I smile trying to relieve him of that emotion. It was a long time ago and there’s no reason for me to be jealous of his past.

“That summer we kept in touch through social media, but we were in different states so we didn’t get to actually see each other. When she called me during work hours, I figured she had just gotten up from a nap and was confused as to what time it actually was. I let it go to voicemail because I was in the middle of a meeting. When I finally checked the voicemail, I heard her crying so I called back immediately. That’s when she blew my world up.”

He pauses and looks at me. My thoughts are running wild with what he’s going to say next, and I can tell he’s gathering courage or something to get the next part out. I reach for his hand and hold it, hoping I’m giving him enough strength to continue.

“She told me she was pregnant with my child, that I was going to be a father. At first I didn’t believe her, which makes me feel like shit now. We’d only slept together a couple of times and we’d always been careful. I accused her of cheating on me, of lying to me. I was a colossal dick to her and she didn’t do anything wrong. Of course she hung up on me, telling me to fuck off, and I was relieved. There was no way I was ready to be a dad.

“When we got back to school in August she sought me out. She told me that she didn’t expect me to change my mind, but she wasn’t a whore and the baby was definitely mine. The look in her eyes convinced me she was telling the truth. From that moment on, I promised her I would be by her side. I went to all her doctor appointments, I rubbed her feet and bought the foods she was craving. I was all in and on February twenty-eighth we had our precious baby girl, Madison.”

A sob breaks through and I can’t stand seeing this big, tough man like this. I scoot over and put my arms around his neck. I run my hand up and down his back as far as I can reach and wait for him to calm down. I know that this story is going to have a tragic ending just by the way he’s crying. It makes me want to beat the shit out of his brother for causing us to have this conversation before James was ready.

“I’m sorry, I can get through this,” he says wiping his eyes. I put my hands on his cheeks and lift his head to mine. Before I think about it at all, I press my lips to his gently, holding his face steady. When I break the kiss, I lean my forehead against his.

“Take your time,” I whisper. James takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before he continues.

“Madison was beautiful. She had dark hair and brown eyes. She was the sweetest baby ever. My mother was smitten from the beginning, even though she was upset that I had committed an offense against chastity by having sex before marriage. Danielle and the baby moved in with me until the semester was over and then we got an apartment. I had asked her to marry me over Christmas and she was planning our wedding for that summer.

“The Saturday after graduation my brothers were helping me move into the new place. Danielle and I had a fight about me wanting to bring my couch to the apartment. How stupid is that? It was an ugly, stained, ratty piece of shit but it caused an argument that led to her storming out. She said she was going to go pick Madison up from her mother’s house. The boys and I only had a few more things to pack when I got the call.”

James stops abruptly, moving away from me and covering his face with his hands. I try to be patient, but it’s killing me to see him like this.

“It’s okay,” I say quietly. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. You can tell me anything, I promise.”

He moves his hands away and the anguish I see in his eyes nearly takes my breath away.

“The call was from a police officer. There had been an accident and I needed to get to the hospital immediately. John drove me and when I got there, the nurse put me in a private waiting room. I paced that floor until I thought I’d go insane. The room wasn’t big enough and I wanted to destroy everything in it just to get rid of my frustration of not knowing what was going on. After more than an hour, a doctor came in. He told me that the accident was severe and that Danielle and Madison both had died from their injuries. I found out later that they were killed by a 20-year old kid who had been drinking at a party and was over three times the legal limit. He walked away from it all and my life was utterly and completely destroyed.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm down.

“So, when Jacob was being a total prick, he left out the biggest part. I haven’t dated anyone since they died. In fact, I never thought I would find someone who would make me feel anything ever again. Then you come strolling out on that stage in your tiny top and platform heels and turn my world upside down.”

“I knew you were different the moment I laid eyes on you,” I say softly.

“What does that mean?”

“Your eyes were kind and it was as if you were hoping I would stop doing what I was doing. Even with all that fur on your face, it was obvious to me you weren’t happy that I was taking my clothes off. I even told Trevor you were different, I just knew it.”

“I thought the same thing about you. Not that you weren’t happy, quite the opposite. You were different from everyone else because you looked like you were enjoying yourself and I just can’t understand why. Will you explain it to me? Tell me why you do it?”

I sigh and nod. There’s no going back now.

I’
ve been waiting to know the answer to this question and I’m sure she’s been hoping I wouldn’t ask again. She smiles shyly before answering.

“Have you ever just wanted to try something and see if you could do it? I’m a fairly reserved person, but I needed to try and do something different. I figured if I could conquer my fears enough to dance naked in front of strangers, then I could accomplish anything I set my mind to.”

“You just wanted to see if you could do it? Why The Sprocket then? There are much nicer places in the city.” I’m not convinced that this is the whole truth.

“I wanted to go somewhere people wouldn’t recognize me. I needed to be completely anonymous. The Sprocket seemed to be a fairly decent place that’s far enough away from where I live and work. There are bouncers and the owners take care of the employees,” she says in a rush.

I lean back and put a little distance between us. I don’t say anything, I just stare at her. She starts to fidget the longer I stay quiet. I try to maintain eye contact but she seems determined to look anywhere but at me.

“Stephanie, I’m not judging you, I swear. I just want to understand why you feel like you need to take your clothes off for money,” I say as gently as I can.

She takes a deep breath and meets my gaze.

“When I first did it, I really did want to see if I could. Do you know what it’s like to feel like you don’t exist? I’ve spent my whole life being invisible. Erin always needed more attention, and I was the quiet one. My parents set me up with a computer and I taught myself everything. I was brilliant and self-sufficient, never making any waves. When I went off to college I was in a major that was mostly men, and I learned early on to keep my head down and my mouth shut or I’d have to deal with a shitload of harassment.”