Strong Motion (29 page)

“Look,” Renée said. “If the subject comes up naturally, in the course of a conversation, and I don’t have to lie, fine. Otherwise, I know you’re angry at these people, I know you feel like you’ve been stepped on. But they’re still people, and to go there in total cynicism, which is what you’re doing—I find it very worrisome that you’d consider doing this.”

“Oh, come on,” he said. She was getting on his nerves. “Things aren’t so black-and-white. For one thing, I actually had a not-bad talk with Eileen. It’s not like I’m blaming her the way I blame my mother. You know, she’s a victim too. You think I’d go there in total cynicism?”

“I’m saying I can see you beginning to think you can treat people whatever way you want to, because you’re so angry. And the reason this matters to me is that I care about you.”

He filled his lungs with air. He let it out slowly. The idea that Renée so fully understood his shortcomings was almost more than he could stand.

“OK, OK, you’re right,” he said, more temperately. “But it’s like you’re killing everything by thinking too much. I’m not asking you to be diabolical. I’m just saying let’s go and have a good time and try to get what we want. It’s like you do so much thinking that it’s impossible for you to have dinner with people under
any
circumstances. The only way you can stay exemplary is to stay by yourself. Because you’re never going to really respect the people you’re with, and the music they like, and the food they eat, and the clothes they wear, and the less than totally intense thoughts they have—”

“I said I would go.”

“And that’s
morally wrong
, right? It’s
deceptive
. To act like you’re on the same level they are, when inside you feel more exemplary and aware and everything. It turns you into a false person, with a false smile and no friends, which is ultimately—”

“Fuck you, Louis. You really do abuse me.”

“Which is ultimately very sad. Because underneath you’re a very lovable person, and you want to be liked and have fun.”

He was perplexed by her stubbornness. He honestly believed that she’d be a happier person if she could loosen up a little; but all he got for his pains was the feeling that he was an odious Male. Of course, maybe he
was
an odious Male. The odious Male seeking control over a virtuous and difficult woman won’t scruple to exploit whatever weakness he can find in her—her age, her mannerisms, her insecurity, and her loneliness above all. He can be as cowardly and cruel as he wants to as long as logic is on his side. And the woman, yielding to his logic, can do no more to save her pride than demand his fidelity. She says, “You’ve humiliated me and won me now, so you’d better not hurt me.” But hurting her is precisely what the man is tempted to do, because now that she has yielded he feels contempt for her, and he also knows that if he hurts her she’ll become virtuous and difficult again . . . These archetypes forced entry to the apartment on Pleasant Avenue like vulgar relatives. Louis wanted to turn them away, but it’s not so easy to slam the door in your relatives’ faces.

In the brick house on Marlborough Street, at the door of the Stoorhuys-Holland residence, he watched stress do extreme and painful things to Eileen’s face and Renée’s face as they squeezed through the moment of hellos. Then he handed over a bag of beer. Eileen was wearing an oversized black karate outfit, with her hair fanned on her back and shoulders. The effect was stylish and reminded him of borzois, dogs which when he passed them on the street always seemed like they’d be happier running around in jeans and sneakers but couldn’t, because their owners were rich.

He figured Eileen was entertaining them tonight because she’d lacked the skills to escape his self-invitation, but it was possible that she was also curious about Renée. She led them into the living room—empty of partygoers, it had some dignity now, was less of a station, more of a room—and explained that Peter had been helping one of his little sisters set up a new computer and was due home at any minute. She asked “you guys” if they’d had trouble parking. She hoped “you guys” didn’t mind eating so late. She offered “you guys” beer or wine or beer or . . . whatever. She hoped “you guys” liked moussaka. Having thus exhausted the possibilities for addressing them collectively, she jumped out of her chair and said, “Where is my
boy?
”

They listened to her phoning in the kitchen, her voice getting higher, its girlish tone stretching thin as the irritation underneath it swelled. When she returned to the living room she slipped into her chair as though she didn’t want to interrupt the conversation. However, there was no conversation. Her guests merely looked at her, and at length she pretended to wake out of a trance. “He’s coming,” she averred.

Renée spoke. “You— You’re in business school?”

Eileen nodded rockingly, not looking at her. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh.”

“You must be about done, though,” Louis said.

“Oh, yeah.” She nodded and rocked, some aspect of the stereo holding her attention. “I’m all done, actually.”

“Where will you be working?” Renée asked.

“Um.” She rocked. “Bank of Boston?”

There was a long silence. Shyness had paralyzed Eileen, shyness of the kind that makes a five-year-old bury her face in her mother’s arms when a stranger asks too many questions.

“What kind of thing will you be doing there?” Renée said gently.

“Um . . . commercial loans?”

“And . . . what kind of thing does that entail?”

Blank-eyed, Eileen turned to Louis, who frantically indicated that it was her question to answer, not his.

“Commercial lending,” she said. “It’s, you know, helping corporations finance things. Capital improvements. Acquisitions, takeovers. Development. It’s—really not very interesting.”

“It sounds like it would be very interesting,” Renée said.

“Oh, well, it is interesting. To me, it’s very interesting. But I think Louis said that you’re a scientist?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, yeah, well. It’s not interesting in that way. It’s more of a people kind of job, you know, where you have to deal with different kinds of people. That’s sort of where the interest is.”

Here Eileen ran out of gas. No matter how Renée tried to draw her out, she could think of nothing else to say about the work she would be doing. What puzzled Louis was that she didn’t take the obvious escape route, which would have been to ask Renée about
her
work, or him about his lack of it. She just squirmed and let the gruesome silences accrete.

It was almost nine when Peter breezed into the apartment, wearing a Harvard sweatshirt and carrying two boxes of floppies. Instantly Eileen became voluble again and launched into a more detailed account of Peter’s day, beginning with his little sister’s visit to the Computer Factory. When he returned from the kitchen, a tumbler of amber liquid in his hand, she tried to rope him into the narrative by smiling up at him, this her boyfriend, the topic of her conversation, her very words made flesh. “Did you get everything set up?” she asked.

Peter let the question lie on the floor a few seconds before he squashed it with an impatient “Yeah.” To Louis he doled out a small and hollow “how’s it going.” Renée, however, he joined on the sofa and regaled with a long and thorough inspection of her head and arms and lap and head, smiling slyly all the while, as if they shared some secret. He dangled his whiskey glass between his knees and hunched over it like an ice fisherman peering through his hole. He said it was good to see her here again. He remembered she’d come to the party in mourning, very cool. He lamented that they hadn’t had a chance to talk more at the party. He focused on Renée, saying one thing after another to her, as if Louis and Eileen were conversing separately and not listening. Or as if he were the host of the Tonight Show, forgetting the audience in his fascination with this special guest, appropriating our fantasies of leaning close to her. Renée, thoroughly confused, began to smile at her knees the way you smile at a pretty good joke told by a person you’re not sure about. She gave no reply at all when Peter asked her if she’d seen yesterday’s
Globe
.

“You’re kidding,” he said, “you didn’t see it?”

She shook her head, still smiling. Peter looked over his shoulder at Eileen. “We still have that paper, don’t we?”

Eileen shrugged crossly.

“It’s gotta be in the kitchen,” he said. “You want to get it?” Louis was very sorry to see his sister unfold herself from her chair and silently obey the order. When she returned, Peter took the newspaper from her hands without looking at her.

“See this?” Peter let everything but the Metro/Region section slide to the floor. “Right here? Lead story? ‘Pro-Choice Advocates Decry Mail and Phone Harassment.’ And a fetching little picture of you? Courtesy of Channel 4 news. And here and here and here?” Inevitably, condescension had crept into his voice. “How about that? You’re all over the place.”

“We didn’t get a paper,” Renée vaguely said to Louis, as if this were his fault.

“Dr. Renée Seitchek, Harvard University seismologist—”

She turned again to Louis, with a dark and vindicated look. “This TV show, I didn’t see that. Sounds pretty wild.”

“It wasn’t wild. It was stupid.”

“Right.” Peter nodded as if he’d said it himself. “Like even worse than stupid. You express an opinion and next thing you know you’re getting hate mail and you can’t even use your own telephone. You know what?” He put his hand on his hip and leaned away so he could see her better. “I think you’re being very brave. To speak up like this. I think that’s awfully damn brave. Private citizen branded an abortionist for expressing an opinion on TV? It’s like the ultimate nightmare.”

She leaned over his lap and squinted at the paper. Louis was dismayed to see how readily she tolerated Peter’s attention, and how pretty her flushing cheeks had made her, and how close her neck and shoulders were to Peter’s face. Peter, for all his faults, appreciated what an interesting and sexy and brave person Renée was; odious, immature Louis only said unpleasant things to her and criticized her. How could she fail to notice the contrast? The worst of it was that Louis didn’t know himself which way he wanted things, whether it was better to have a sad and twisted girlfriend who needed him so much that he could say whatever he wanted to her, or to be involved with a real woman who could attract other men and fill him with anxiety and forget him.

Eileen looked even less pleased than Louis. While the two thirty-year-olds huddled on the sofa in their faded jeans, she sat in her goofy silk pajamas and leveled on Renée the same evil stare she’d been using for twenty years whenever something she felt was rightfully hers was being denied her, even momentarily.

“Need some help with dinner?” Louis asked her in a cartoon voice.

He followed her to the kitchen, where she continued to glance balefully in the direction of Renée and Peter.

“So,” he said. “You’re all done. You passed all your exams.”

“Yeah.” From the refrigerator she took Russian dressing and a green salad big enough for twelve. “You want to toss this?”

She put her head in the oven. Hearing nothing from the other room but a rustling paper, Louis imagined that Peter and Renée’s mouths had already found each other, Peter squeezing her breasts and stifling her cries . . . His feelings had acquired such a physical bite that he could hardly believe he’d ever been in bed with her before, had ever tasted or touched any more of her than the mere idea: a voice, a willingness, a head, an older person—anything but the woman he now imagined in the other room. And it was a great thing, jealousy. It was a drug that charged up the nerve endings and delivered a first-class rush. On the minus side, it damaged his control over the salad he was tossing, which goaded by fork and spoon was surging from the bowl, cucumber disks splatting on the counter; and underneath the rush (which was great) he suspected he did not feel well at all.

Hands in thermal mitts, Eileen gazed dispassionately at the mess he was making. “Did I tell you what happened the night we had our finals party?”

“No.”

She pulled her hair behind her ears with quilted paws. “It was so funny. It was
so, so
funny. My friend Sandi’s dad owns this limousine company, and he was supposed to let us use three stretch limos, as a graduation present, and we were going to have this road party and end up in Manhattan and have dinner and go dancing at the Rainbow Room?”

“Uh huh.”

“But so these limos come to pick us up, and we’re all dressed and it’s raining, but there are only
two
of them? And there are eighteen of us?” Briefly she doubled over with the funniness of her memories. But we all pile into these two limos and we start having champagne and caviar, and we’re watching this video that this other friend found in the library which what it’s about is management training in the
dairy industry?
It’s all these cows and milking machines and guys with clipboards and crew cuts talking to the guys who work the machines. And slapping the cows and looking at cheeses and lobbying in Washington? It’s totally fifties, there’s this long shot of the Capitol Building, where they’re going to be lobbying for
milk subsidies?
”

“Uh huh.”

“Hoo ha ha,” she laughed. “But so we’re somewhere in Connecticut, out in the middle of nowhere, and this horrible thing happens to the other limo—not the one I’m in, the other one—somehow all the radiator fluid ends up on the highway and none of it’s in the radiator, and the driver won’t drive it anymore? And there are eighteen of us and it’s pouring rain and we only have one limousine to get to New York in, and the driver says he won’t take more than ten, and of course nobody wants to volunteer not to go.”

“Of course.”

“But we can just barely see this truck stop, down in the valley, it’s this
huge
truck stop, with about a million trucks out in front of it and nothing else around, just woods. So we all decide, who needs Manhattan, we’re just going to have our party right here. So we all go in, and there are about a thousand of these big red-faced
truckers
, they’ve all got tattoos and they’re smoking and eating this greasy food. And we’re totally dressed up, the guys are all in black tie, and Sandi’s in this Oscar de la Renta dress that’s cut like—!” The neckline Eileen drew across her chest indicated nipple exposure on Sandi’s part. “But we all walk right in anyway, and of course everybody’s staring at us, we’re carrying our champagne glasses, the tall kind, and the guys are carrying the bottles—”