Stripping Her Defenses (3 page)

“Report to base at sixteen hundred hours.” Dial tone.

Looking down at my watch, I calculated I had roughly forty minutes to pack my bag and report in. Not much time since the drive alone took fifteen minutes. Guess I’d better get my ass in gear.

~~~

Kara

It was the chill that woke me. Since the last thing I remembered was being cuddled up to my husband’s delicious warmth, the chill I felt now made no sense. Forcing my heavy eyelids open, I turned my head to look at my surroundings, searching for Riley.

Realizing he was nowhere to be found in the living room, I used my arms to push myself up when I heard a sound coming from behind the closed door of our bedroom. What was he doing in there?

The closer I came to our bedroom door, the more my stomach started to twist in knots. For whatever reason, I just knew I wasn’t going to like what was going on behind that door.

Pushing the door open with my hand, my eyes came to rest immediately on my husband’s back as he stood at the foot of our bed, shoving stuff into his bag. My stomach stopped doing somersaults and promptly dropped to somewhere down by my feet.
He was leaving?

The fact that the muscles in his back and shoulders were now obviously tense, causing him to stand a little straighter than he’d been before, clued me in that he wasn’t looking forward to whatever it was he thought I was going to say.

Just when I had let myself truly hope that things were getting better, reality had felt the need to slap me in the face with this wake up call.

My shoulders drooped as resignation set in. The only thing I could hope for now was that his team had been activated, and he wasn’t leaving me right before my college graduation voluntarily.

Clasping my hands tightly underneath the swell of my belly, I softly asked, “You get called in, sweetheart?”

His shoulder stiffened as he paused in his motions to stuff something else in his bag. “Something like that.”

He started to move again, faster this time, almost rushing to finish his preparations. That renewed vigor, that motivation of what must be ‘Hurry the hell up before she starts her ridiculous hysterics’ was probably the death of my tenuous faith that my marriage was taking a turn for the better. As if someone had come along and smacked me square in the forehead, everything became crystal clear for me. The state of my marriage had never improved; the problems had just been put on pause.

Riley hadn’t left for a voluntary mission these past few months because there hadn’t been a need for him. There was no doubt in my mind that this was a voluntary mission. His vague answer had confirmed it for me. If his team had been called in, his response would have been a straight forward ‘yes.’ Instead, he’d given me a lie, painted in pretty half-words in the hopes I wouldn’t make a scene before he left.

As my eyes pricked with the threat of tears, I nodded my head in acceptance. I wouldn’t make a scene. In fact, I wouldn’t say a negative word about it. While he was gone, I would sit down and think it all over again. Perhaps there was something I hadn’t thought of yet that would help me reconnect with my husband. Someway, somehow, I would find a way to confirm that the love of my life—the man who owned me heart and soul—still, in fact, loved me.

When feet came into my view on the floor, I looked up into his eyes as he stood just inches from me. He eyed me warily, looking as if he was bracing for an impact of some sort. And it made me wonder,
how could someone be so close to you physically, yet still so out of reach emotionally?

Refusing to make a scene, I stayed silent and chose to simply watch him. Run my eyes over him, memorizing his features in case something happened on this mission and I never saw him again.

“I’ll try to make it back by your graduation, but if I miss it, I’m sorry.” His muscles tensed again, as if waiting for a strike of some sort.

I realized I just didn’t have it in me to fight back. At least, not right now. Not when I was dealing with my heart feeling like it was lying in brutalized, little pieces on the floor; more likely next to my stomach that might not regain its regular appetite for days.

Not knowing what else to say, I nodded in understanding.

My lack of response seemed to confound him. Maybe I’d been a bit more of a raging bitch about this issue than I’d thought?

I watched him reach out a tentative hand towards my face as if he wanted to caress it, but he stopped just short of actually touching me, faltering before dropping it back to his side. Turning around, he walked back to the bed, picked up his bag, and then walked over to give me a kiss on the cheek.

“I love you, and I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

Not bothering to wait for a response, he walked past me. Seconds later, I heard the front door close.

Standing in a bedroom as empty as I felt, I whispered back to absolutely no one, “I love you, too.”

Once again, the man who was my everything had left me.

Chapter

2

Kara

The next day…

Finals were over, and I was ninety-nine percent positive I’d passed them. I’d pasted on a fake smile for my friends when leaving our classroom for the last time, wishing it could have been a real one to share with my husband. In just a few days, I’d graduate with my Bachelor’s Degree in Education. I was one step closer to achieving that perfect life I’d dreamed about as a kid.

I had everything I’d always thought I wanted: married to my high school sweetheart, pregnant with our first child, and a college degree. So why wasn’t I happier? Why was I still questioning every move I made these days? Constantly asking myself what I could do to bridge the ever expanding divide between me and my husband?

Shaking my head, I tried to push those negative thoughts away. Everything was fixable.

Right?

Walking away from the college towards my car, I tried to think of the positive things to push away the encroaching dread. All I had to do was keep up with my plan. This morning had brought a ray of renewed hope for my marriage in the form of an idea on how to get through to my husband. I would continue in my efforts to be a good, little
seal
wife, understanding Riley’s needs to do his perceived duties. My hope was that, when our son was born, he would want to slow down. Later, after little Jr’s arrival, I’d find a way to open the lines of communication between us and ask him to talk to me about whatever was bothering him. If we could talk it all out, work through our problems, everything would be fine.

At least, that was what I seemed to be attempting to convince myself of. I had a baby to consider. I couldn’t simply give up on my son’s father, nor could I turn my back on the first and only man I’d ever loved. I would keep my head up, remember not to go bat-shit crazy on him from the pregnancy hormones that were turning me into a walking, talking, constantly crying basket case, and the two of us would figure this out. We had to.

The gray clouds above my head rumbled with thunder, and that was the only warning I got. Approximately two seconds later, it started raining like it was the freaking monsoon season in China.

Carefully jogging across the wet asphalt, I finally made it to my car and jumped in, completely soaked, my clothes sticking to me like a second skin. Turning on the air to make sure the car didn’t fog up caused me to shiver. As soon as I made it home, I was going to take a nice, long, warm bath. That would be relaxing.

As I headed out of the parking lot, the rain became worse. Driving in conditions like this always made me nervous. I kept the car at a slower pace, ten miles under the speed limit, with my eyes glued to the blacktop in front of me. However, with my nerves shot to hell, the silence in the car started to drive me a little crazy. Because, really, who liked sitting in a quiet car? Therefore, I blindly reached over with my right hand until I found the button that would turn my stereo on, sighing in contentment when music started to play through the speakers. The song ended and the DJ began to speak about some of the community events coming up. A photography contest being held by the local art center was announced; with the grand prize a brand new, top of the line, digital camera that I’d been drooling over for months.

I began to imagine the kind of pictures I could take of the baby with that sweet-ass camera! Maybe I should flip through my portfolio and see if there was anything I could submit. The shots of the dolphins jumping out of the water the day I rode the ferry were pretty good. But as I eyed a familiar sharp curve ahead, I let thoughts of photo contests and pictures drift away.

On a regular sunny day, this curve was a nasty one. It cut sharply to the left and many accidents had occurred because of it. On a day like today, where the rain was pouring down so hard you could barely see five feet in front of your car, it was best to concentrate and be careful.

Slowing my little sedan down even more, braking as gently as possible before the curve, I drifted carefully to the left and started praying I wouldn’t hydroplane. I started to round the worst of the curve when something flashed and caught my attention from the corner of my left eye. My hand started to jerk the wheel away from the oncoming threat, but I found the strength to stop myself. There was a deep embankment to the right, and it was too dangerous to risk. The loud squeal of tires drowned out the song that had just began to play on the radio.

Not understanding what was going on, my breath hitched in my throat, and a second later, the sound of metal crunching and scraping overwhelmed my ears. My shoulder impacted against something, and I screamed as pain radiated over the upper left side of my body. Then I felt something like claws digging into my left side, over my ribs. The world began to spin around me.

Terrified that something would happen to my baby, I turned my body away from my driver’s side door as much as I could and hunched over, using my arms to protectively cover my stomach.

The world kept spinning until there was another devastating impact of some sort against my driver’s side door. More glass shattered. My car finally shuddered to a stop, but the momentum of the sudden cessation threw my body backwards into my door, causing a scream to rip from my throat as the sharp, penetrating claw sensation tore across my mid to lower back. It felt like something was trying to rip me open, and I couldn’t get away.

I grabbed the steering wheel with my left hand as a debilitating pain stabbed through my abdomen. I felt my mouth open, and my chest and throat vibrated from the wail I let loose, but I didn’t hear it.

My ears were buzzing, my head felt like it was swimming, and even though I knew my car had stopped moving, the world still felt like it was spinning around me. I tried to suck in some air, but found it impossible to do so. It felt like there was a ten ton elephant sitting on my chest, refusing me the breath I desperately needed.

Another harsh, crippling pain shot through my midsection, and that was the moment some clarity hit me. My baby! Oh, God, my baby! Was he okay? Had something happened in the crash and this pain was telling me he was in trouble?

I tried to call out for help, but I still couldn’t hear anything. Screaming in both pain and aggravation, overwhelmed by the sense of helplessness, I begged for help.

Spots appeared in my line of sight, and the edges of my vision turned black. Please, God, no. Not now! I couldn’t lose consciousness now! I opened my mouth as far as I could and prayed that I was yelling for help as loud as possible. It was hard to know since I still couldn’t hear anything other than the white noise vibrating between my ears. Could anyone hear me?

As the dreaded black spread across what little I could see of the mangled remains of my car around me, I prayed. Begged God. Offered him everything, including myself, if he would save my child from death. Pleaded for someone, anyone, to come along and help me save my precious boy. Nothing was more important than my son.

And as the black took over, I hoped fervently that someone had heard my cries for help. Because, as much as I had thought before that a life without Riley in it would be impossible, I now realized that a life without our child was what was truly unimaginable.

Chapter

3

Kara

A month later…

I sat at my kitchen table in the same set of sweats I’d worn to my final check up with the obstetrician yesterday. Going to that office was the cruelest slap in the face I’d ever endured. Whomever had thought it was a good idea to make a woman who’d recently lost her child go to a doctor’s office filled with a bunch of happy pregnant women was a fucking idiot! If I hadn’t had to keep that goddamn appointment so I could finally get out of this godforsaken house, I wouldn’t have gone at all. However, it was something both the doctor and my mother had told me was mandatory before I could leave town. They needed to check my
hormones
after losing the baby.

Who gave a shit about my fucking
hormones
? It was all I could do to drag my ass out of my bed once a day to pee in the toilet so I wouldn’t soil my bed. Needless to say, I really didn’t care about hormones.

A cup of hot tea was placed in front of me. I looked up to where my mom stood on the other side of the table. I hated looking at her. She’d had that look of pity on her face from the moment I’d woken up in the hospital and found out my son was gone. I didn’t need anyone’s pity. In fact, I didn’t want anything from anyone. All I wanted was my baby boy, and since I couldn’t have him, I didn’t care about much else in life.

I heard my mother’s voice speaking and realized I must have spaced off again. According to Mom, I did that a lot these days.

“Are you sure about this, Kara?”

My hands clutched at my no longer burgeoning belly. I tried to respond, yet my voice came out as a croak from disuse. Along with not getting out of my bed or eating, I’d stopped talking, too. All of this had been the subject of a lengthy discussion between my mother and my, now, former obstetrician because they were both concerned. I couldn’t even work up the emotions to care about that, either.

Clearing my throat, I tried to respond again. “Yes.”