Stripped Down (29 page)

It was nice not to walk into somewhere and be degraded, and I had Beck to thank for that.

Speaking of... I finished brushing my hair and walked down the hall to CiCi’s room. The door was wide open, and the room was empty. I frowned, turning around and heading for the stairs. My feet had barely touched the bottom step when I heard her talking in the front room.

“Are you my mommy’s boyfriend now?”

“Well,” Beck said quietly, “it’s a little complicated, but I guess so.”

“How is it complicated? Is it because her kisses are sloppy?”

I smiled.

“Sure. A little,” he agreed.

“So, what’s the rest?”

“Grown-up stuff.”

“Like bills and phone calls and more bills and stuff? Mommy says that’s all grown-up stuff when she gets upset about it sometimes.”

I chewed the inside of my lower lip.
Damn it, Ciara.

“Everyone gets upset about bills sometimes. Being an adult is hard,” Beck reasoned gently. “There’s a lot of responsibility, and your mom only gets upset because she worries about making sure you’re okay.”

She doesn’t respond for a moment, and then, “She gets upset a lot. She thinks I don’t notice, but I do.”

“Why don’t you tell her?”

“Because then she’ll be more upset, and I don’t want her to be more upset. I like it when she’s happy.” She paused, and I pinched the bridge of my nose.

She notices
. My heart broke a little at that admission. I just—damn. How many times had she hidden that she had known I was sad? How many times had she pretended not to notice because she hadn’t wanted me to be sadder?

“Beck,” CiCi said softly. “She’s happy when she’s around you. She smiles a lot. I think you make her happy. I like it.”

“Well, she makes me happy too, and so do you, princess. I like that I make her happy.”

“You make me happy too. You’re very silly, but you have a pool, and that makes me happy. And you let me eat pizza for breakfast.”

I could imagine her grinning, her little, brown eyes sparkling.

“Don’t say it too loud in case she hears. I might get in trouble.”

“No, you won’t get in trouble. Mommy used to let me, but I didn’t like it because, sometimes, she didn’t eat dinner just so I could have it for breakfast, and that made me sad.”

Slowly, I sank down and sat on the stairs. I shouldn’t have listened anymore, but I couldn’t walk away. Something about this conversation compelled me to listen like it had a hard grip on my heart. I slid across the step, and I could just about see them sitting on the sofa together. CiCi had her back to the arm of it, looking down at her crossed legs, and Beck was sitting sideways, his elbow resting on the back cushion, his head resting on his hand.

“She did that to make you happy.” Beck’s voice was low with a tinge of sadness. He reached out and pushed a loose strand of hair off her face. “She knows you like it as a treat, and your being happy was more important to her than having it for dinner. You’re her favorite person in the world, and you’re more important to her than she is in her own mind.”

“Oh. I don’t like that. I want her to be important to her.”

“I want that too, princess.”

“Will she be important to her now that you make her happy?” She looked up at him.

“I hope so.”

“Me too.” She paused again. “Will she worry less now you’re her boyfriend? Will she stop being so sad about bills?”

“I hope so,” he said again. “We have a lot to talk about, but now, if she’s worried, I’ll be there to help her so she doesn’t have to be anymore. Does that make you feel better?”

“Lots.” She nodded. “I don’t like it when Mommy’s sad.”

“I don’t, either.”

“Beck? Can I ask you another question?”

“We’re basically already in a talk show, so go ahead.”

CiCi scratched the top of her head and glanced away for a moment. Then, finally, she looked at him. “Does this mean you’re going to be my daddy now?”

I
drew in a deep breath. My heart clenched, and pain shot through my gut. Of all the questions, of all the things she could have asked, of all the things I’d thought she’d say... That wasn’t it. Not even close to it.

Beck looked a little stunned, and I didn’t blame him. It was kind of left-field, even if you did consider the conversation they’d just had. I didn’t think anybody could have anticipated that question, even if I should have.

I should have known she would ask it eventually.

And his answer? I was terrified to hear it.

“Nobody can ever really be your daddy, CiCi.”

“Why? I don’t have one. He doesn’t want me because he’s horrible.”

Jesus.
Kick me right where it hurts, kid.

The guilt would never leave. I knew it then. The uncontrollable guilt I had over giving her a piece of shit father would always be there. But it was nothing I could control. It was a fact of her life, a sad one, a fact all the same.

“Okay, come here.” Beck shifted and held his arm out.

He patted his knee, and CiCi tucked herself into his side, swinging her legs over his. She leaned her head back to look at him as he wrapped his arm around her little body.

“You’re right. He is a horrible person, and that’s not your fault. He’s missing out on the best little girl in the world because he’s mean.” He tapped her nose with his finger and smiled.

She returned the smile—and she meant it. I could see it in her eyes.

“But I can’t just wake up and be your dad, okay? That’s a very, very big choice, and that’s something me and your mom have to decide together, but she’s your mom, so it’s all down to her, really.”

“Don’t you want to be?”

“Hey.” He tapped her nose again. “Just because decisions need to made doesn’t change whether I want to or not. But grown-up relationships are very hard. Your mom and I... We have lots and lots to talk about that you don’t need to worry about right now. Maybe, one day, everything will work out and I will be, but until then, how about we be best friends instead?”

“Okay.” She nodded. “Best friends. But...” She looked down at her hands. “Just in case, if you wanted to be my daddy, I would be okay with that.”

I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes to keep the tears inside. Shit. Shit, shit,
shit.
I dropped my hands and swallowed hard. Then I licked my lips to try to kill the dryness of them.

Beck kissed CiCi’s forward. “I love you very much, Ciara. Everything will work out, princess, okay? It always does.”

“I love you too.” She reached up and hugged his neck tight. “Do you think Mommy’s awake yet?”

“I don’t know. Do you think we should check? You have to go to school soon.”

“Awww, Beck.”

“No. Your mom said school, so school it is. You were swimming for three hours yesterday. That was the deal. Come on.”

I turned and ran up the stairs on my tiptoes before they could catch me there. While I didn’t care if Beck knew I’d heard, I didn’t want CiCi to know. That conversation was important to her, and although I was glad I’d heard the things she’d never say to me, I felt guilty for having eavesdropped.

Still, I climbed into bed and pulled the sheets right up under my chin so she wouldn’t see my clothes.

“Mommy?” CiCi whispered, coming into the room. “Are you awake?”

“I think she’s asleep,” Beck whispered to her. “Should we leave her?”

“No. I have to go to school and she has to take me. That’s her job, silly.”

A little hand nudged my shoulder.

“Mommy? Mommy, wake up. Wake up.”

I feigned a yawn and a stretch, pretending to slowly wake up. Then I opened my eyes. Her face was right there in front of mine.

“Hi, little one. Are you dressed already?”

She nodded with a giant smile. “I woke up and found Beck downstairs, so I got dressed. Then we had breakfast. Then he painted my nails for me. See?” She shoved her hands at my face and wiggled bright-pink nails.

“Where did you get nail polish?” I blinked, propping myself up on my elbow, the sheets still pulled over my chest.

“It was in her backpack,” Beck answered, a knowing glint in his eyes. “I thought you’d packed it.”

I pursed my lips and looked at CiCi. “Did you sneak it in?”

She grinned. “I can wear it for school, can’t I?”

“I think so.” I shrugged. Nail polish was hardly going to affect her ability to do her work. “Why don’t you go downstairs while I get dressed?”

“Okay.” She turned and skipped off out of the room.

I waited a moment for her to be fully gone and then shoved the sheets off me. Beck raised his eyebrows, but I flipped him the bird as I sat up.

“Oh, come on. You know I heard.”

“I know. I’m impressed at your ability to take the stairs two at a time.”

“Did she see me?”

He shook his head. “She was too busy with a last-ditch attempt to get out of school today.”

I rolled my eyes as I stood up and walked into his en suite. “There’s a surprise. Not.”

“How much of that conversation did you hear?”

“From the boyfriend part.” I shoved my toothbrush in my mouth and brushed.

“So the worst part. Got it.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the doorframe. “Are you mad?”

“‘At ‘an I ‘e ‘ad at?” I asked around my toothbrush. When he frowned, I spat the toothpaste out. “What can I be mad at?”

“I’m not sure, but given our track record, I guess you could find something.”

“I’m going to kick you in a minute.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Don’t count on it.” I gave him a hard look, gave my teeth one last brush, then ran the tap to clean the toothbrush. I put it down to pick the cup up and rinse my mouth, but Beck grabbed the brush and put it in the holder next to his. “What are you doing?”

“Putting it where it belongs. In the toothbrush holder.”

“Is that a hint?”

“That you’re not going home tonight? Yes.”

“Why aren’t we going home?”

“Because you heard your daughter: My house makes her happy. Let the kid be happy.”

I swilled water around my mouth as I glared at him. I spat it out with vigor and put the glass down. “That’s low.”

“I know. Unfortunately for you, I’m an asshole and I’m not averse to using that excuse to get you to stay with me.” His grin was smug.

At least he’d admitted it.

“What if I don’t want to stay here tonight?”

Beck wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me right against him. I looped my arms around his waist and craned my neck back to look at him.

“Then don’t. But just don’t change your mind about us.”

“You think I’ll change my mind?”

“After the conversation you heard this morning? Yes. I’d be surprised if you haven’t changed it already.”

I didn’t blame him for that. “It didn’t even cross my mind,” I said honestly. “I was too busy worrying about how you’d respond to her last question. Then too busy being impressed at how well you did.”

“You think I answered it well?”

“I’m not mad or trying to run away from you.”

He smiled then dipped his head. His lips pressed firmly against mine for a long moment. “I’m glad you’re not mad. I didn’t know what to say to her. It threw me like fuck.”

“I was shocked too,” I said quietly. “I should have guessed she’d ask something like it at some point, but I thought she’d ask me, not you.”

“You don’t think she’ll ask you too?”

I shook my head and stepped back. I reached for my makeup bag and pulled out my foundation and the brush. “No. She’ll only have that conversation with one person, and that was you. I guess she thought it would upset me if she asked me.”

“Would it have?” He came up behind me and gripped the sink at hip-level. He rested his chin on my shoulder and met my gaze in the mirror.

“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “I feel guilty that’s even a question she has to ask, but it is what it is. It’s not my choice that she doesn’t have a dad. It’s his. She knows that.”

“For what it’s worth, you’ve done an amazing job at being both parents.”

I smiled. “Thanks. It doesn’t always feel like it.”

“I get that, especially with what she said. But you know what, Blondie? The fact that she noticed all of that is testament to how well you’ve raised her. She’s sweet and thoughtful, even if it hurts that she’s so observant.”

“I know.” I brushed one coat of mascara across my lashes and screwed the wand back into the tube. “Beck...do I really make you happy? Do we?”

He stepped to the side, turning me, and captured my gaze with his. He cupped my face with both of his hands, looking deep into my eyes, and smiled. “You make me happy beyond belief, Cassie. Both of you. And I meant what I said to her this morning. I really do love her.”

“I know.” I turned my cheek into his palm. And I did know it. It was so plain to see.

“Mommy! I’m going to be late for school!” CiCi hollered up the stairs. “Come onnnn!”

“She changed her tune,” Beck noted dryly, stepping away from me.

“Welcome to my life.”