Striker (78 page)

She looked down at their joined hands, tears beginning to prick the back of her eyes but she couldn’t cry. It wasn’t her place to cry, this wasn’t the time. ‘Yes,’ she whispered, not looking at him. ‘To both those questions.’ She finally met his eyes again, realising Max was right. He had to know the truth before he could finally start to deal with it. Properly. ‘I’m… today, we’re… me and Jim,
we’re
supposed to be getting married…’

‘Oh Jesus,’ he whispered, turning away from her. ‘Jesus…’

‘Ryan, I am so sorry, baby. So sorry things had to turn out this way, but…’

He turned back to face her, wiping his eyes again. ‘Shit happens,’ he smiled weakly, and Amber couldn’t help but smile back.

‘We should never have been together, Ryan. Not really,’ she said quietly, still holding tightly onto his hand. ‘Me and you, we had so much baggage we could have given the reclaim section at
Heathrow
Airport
a run for its money.’

He smiled again, stroking her knuckles with his thumb. ‘I thought it was what I wanted, y’know? What I needed. A solid relationship. Something to stop me from going off the rails.’ He shrugged, letting out a small laugh. ‘Seems I just wasn’t ready for it, huh? I saw you as nothing but someone who could be there to pick up the pieces, someone who would put up with the idiot I sometimes turned into, and I felt such a smug, lucky bastard because you were so beautiful into the bargain, and you wanted me and.. and I should never have let that happen. But I couldn’t help it. I loved the lifestyle, the adulation, the fame. The money. I loved the fact I could have any woman I wanted just by clicking my fingers, until I realised that the only woman I
really
wanted had been right there in front of me all the time, and I’d blown it. Big style.’

‘Things were complicated, Ryan. When I knew Jim was back in the North East… the second I found out he’d taken the job at Newcastle Red Star… I should never have got involved in a relationship with you. Never. It really wasn’t fair on you. It was selfish of me because, when I think back, I’d only really thrown myself into a relationship with you as a way of trying to convince myself that I didn’t still have feelings for Jim. That I could love someone else the way I’d loved him…’

‘But you can’t, can you?’ Ryan whispered, his eyes boring into hers with an intensity so strong Amber could feel it burning into her. He truly was an incredibly beautiful man with a wonderful soul and a kind heart, she’d seen that side of him. She knew it existed. He just seemed scared to let it out.

She shook her head sadly, squeezing his hand again. ‘No. I can’t.’

He finally turned away, staring down at the dark wooden floor. ‘So, that’s it, then? You and me, it’s over.’

‘You have one hell of a future ahead of you, Ryan. Do you understand how special you really are?’

‘It’s all pointless if you’re not with me.’

‘That’s bollocks, Ryan, and you know it. You don’t need me. You don’t need anyone.’

‘Don’t I?’ he asked, turning his head sharply to look at her. ‘Maybe that’s the whole problem, Amber. Maybe I
do
need someone… someone to… to…’

‘To
what
, Ryan? To save you? To stop this from happening? This is something
you
have to deal with yourself, do you understand that? You are an extraordinary footballer – don’t let the pressure of a lifestyle you
think
you have to lead turn you into something you’re not. And then, one day, someone will come along who you’ll fall in love with…’

‘She’s already here.’

‘No,’ Amber whispered, shaking her head again. ‘She isn’t.’

He let go of her hand and stood up, picking up a can from the coffee table, shaking it to see if it had any liquid left in it.

‘And that’s going to help, is it?’ Amber asked, watching as he tried another can. And another.

He swung round to face her as she stood up, too. ‘Yeah. It is. Blocking it all out, wishing it would all go away… it helps.’

She said nothing, just walked over to the window and drew the curtains slightly, letting in a ray of bright winter sunshine before turning to face him again. ‘Nobody’s going to pity you, Ryan, you do realise that, don’t you? You’re young, you’re in a dream career, you earn more money in a week than most people earn in two years. You can have anything you want, whenever you want it, or that’s how people perceive you and others like you, anyway. So, you throwing your toys out of the pram because you can’t have
one
thing you want… well, it isn’t gonna cut it, mister. The sympathy won’t be there.’

He narrowed his eyes as he stared at her. What was she trying to do? Some kind of reverse psychology? Shit! His head was too fried to even try and get a handle on this situation.

‘You need help, Ryan.’

‘Do I?’ Did he? He didn’t really know
what
he wanted, or needed, if he was honest. Except, maybe, to sit back down, put his feet up, and watch another few hours of daytime TV. That’s all he really wanted to do.

She walked over to him and he felt his heart start to beat faster as she reached out to gently touch his rough cheek, running her fingers over his beard, her beautiful pale blue eyes meeting his. ‘I care about you, Ryan. So much. And if you throw this all away because of… Jesus, Ryan, I’m not worth it. I’m so not worth it.’

‘You are to me,’ he said, his voice barely a whisper as he reached up to cover her hand with his own. ‘But… shit…’ He broke the stare for a second, before turning back to look at her. ‘You’re really gonna marry him?’

She nodded slowly, bringing his hand to her mouth, kissing it gently. He could feel his heart splinter into a thousand tiny pieces and it hurt, it physically hurt. But that was all he felt. Everything else, any other feelings, they were gone. He felt empty.

‘I’m not sure I’m cut out for this, Amber. This lifestyle, this job…’ He felt more stupid, unwanted tears start to prick the back of his eyes but he couldn’t stop them. It was as if there was some invisible tap that he had no power over, no way of knowing when the tears would come. But they were coming now, hot and fast, streaming down his face like some powerful, emotional waterfall. And, suddenly, he realised he’d been here before, in this cold, dark, lonely place where he felt no hope, nothing except the need to lock himself away from the world and drink himself into some kind of oblivion.

‘It just doesn’t matter anymore,’ he whispered, still staring into her eyes, still hoping beyond hope that something… that she might tell him what he wanted to hear. ‘None of it matters anymore, Amber. I can’t do it. I can’t.’

She reached out to touch his face again, her thumb gently wiping the tears away. ‘Oh, you can, Ryan Fisher. You bloody well can. Do you hear me? You
can.
You are
not
going to give up. You love football, you’ve earned your place as one of this country’s – if not one of the world’s – greatest ever players and there’s plenty of fight left in you yet. So you will
not
give up. You’ll fight this, and you’ll get back out there and you’ll kill it. You got that?’

He watched her as she spoke, watched a determination in her eyes that he wished
he
could feel. But he just felt empty.

‘Please, Ryan.’ She was almost pleading with him now, begging him to try and sort himself out. ‘You’ve done this before, and you can do it again. But this time, do it properly. Okay? Are you listening to me?’

He found himself nodding, agreeing to something he wasn’t altogether sure he could go through with, but maybe she was right. Maybe he
did
need to try and find that fight. Try and do
some
thing – he just didn’t know what that something was just yet.

‘I never really understood how hard it was for you,’ Amber said, slowly pulling away from him. ‘And I should have done. I should have been less selfish, less self-absorbed with my own problems…’ She slipped her hand into his, looking down as she squeezed it tight. ‘We should never have let it get this far.’

‘It wasn’t your fault…’ he began, but she put a finger to his lips, silencing him.

‘Promise me you’ll talk to Max, alright? He’s there for you, and he’ll do anything he can to make this right, Ryan. Anything.’

But he couldn’t do the one thing Ryan really wanted, could he? He couldn’t stop Amber from marrying Jim Allen, from disappearing from his world and into his manager’s. And that was probably the hardest thing he was going to have to learn to deal with.

‘Promise me, Ryan.’

He briefly looked down at their joined hands before looking back up at her, at her beautifully made-up face and a dress that he should have guessed signalled an unusual situation – she never dressed like that for a normal day at the office. She was dressed for her wedding. To another man. His boss. Shit! He had one hell of a lot to get his head around. ‘I promise,’ he whispered, holding onto her for those final few seconds longer before she slowly slipped her hand out of his and walked over to the door. ‘Amber?’

She swung round to look at him.

‘Be happy.’

She smiled, a smile that sent Ryan’s heart racing, but which also delivered a painful inevitability that he should have seen coming a long time ago.

And then she was gone. Out of his life and into Jim Allen’s, leaving Ryan with the realisation that the journey he had ahead of him wasn’t going to be an easy one, but it was one he was going to have to take. Starting today.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Ronnie pulled the car into a convenient space close to the register office and switched off the engine.

‘You okay?’ he asked, looking at Amber.

She was staring out of the window, clutching her bouquet as though something really bad would happen if she let go. She nodded but didn’t look at him. She still couldn’t get the image of Ryan out of her head, broken and defeated. But underneath all of that she’d seen a glimmer of the man she’d once known – and the man he could really be. He was strong, deep down. And she knew that Max would make sure he got the help he really needed, but it didn’t stop her from feeling a dull ache for what might have been – if they’d both been different people, free of the baggage they’d both carried with them.

‘He’s over there.’ Ronnie’s voice broke into her thoughts and she finally turned to look at him.

‘Hmm? Sorry?’

‘Jim. He’s over there.’

She followed his gaze. Jim was standing in the doorway of the register office, checking his watch and looking around. She wasn’t actually all that late, just by a few minutes, but he was obviously anxious as to where she was. And with good reason, really.

‘Are you still going ahead with this, then?’ Ronnie asked.

She looked at him. ‘Yeah. Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I?’

‘Well, considering where you’ve just been…’

‘I was never going to go back to Ryan. That wasn’t why I went there, and you know that.’

‘Are you glad you did?’

Amber sighed. It still felt as though everything that was happening today was some kind of surreal event that she wasn’t really taking part in. A little bit of her felt strangely detached from it all. ‘I think so… I mean, seeing him like that, it wasn’t… it wasn’t nice, but… He’s gonna be okay, Ronnie. Isn’t he?’

Ronnie reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. ‘He’s gonna be just fine, kiddo. Max has got it all in hand.’ He looked back over at Jim, who was now pacing backwards and forwards outside the register office, his hands in the pockets of his dark suit. ‘Maybe you need to have a word with him, though. He might have got wind of what’s happened by now. I know Max didn’t want to make the extent of Ryan’s problems public just yet, but I’m sure the club, and his manager, will have been made aware of what’s going on. After all, he isn’t going to be available to play for a while, is he?’

Amber glanced over at Jim again. ‘He must have known Ryan hadn’t turned up for training for the past few days. He’s not the kind of manager that lets things like that pass him by. He’s always on top of everything. Why didn’t he tell me, Ronnie? If he knew something was wrong?’

‘Well, to be fair, sweetheart, nobody knew anything
was
wrong until today. Not really. Up until now everyone just thought Ryan had gone AWOL on another of his famous benders. And maybe Jim didn’t want to worry you by telling you that. In his own way he could probably just have been trying to protect you.’

‘You reckon?’

‘I think so, yeah.’

She couldn’t help smiling. ‘You finally coming round to this marriage, then?’

He looked at her, a slight smile on his face, too. ‘Don’t rush me, kiddo. I’ll get there. And are you sure you really want me to be one of your witnesses? Won’t Jim mind?’

‘I’d rather have at least one person I know and care about be there for me, Ronnie. Jim won’t mind. He’ll be fine.’

Ronnie leaned over and gently kissed her cheek, giving her hand one last squeeze. ‘We’d better make a move. Before he starts going into some kind of meltdown. I’ve never seen Jim Allen so wound up.’

She smiled again, opening the passenger door but stopping for a second before she got out of the car. ‘Ronnie?’