Stranger and Stranger (18 page)

M
E
: Man, Raven, I haven’t seen you in so long. I mean, how long has it been…[counting days]

R
AVEN
: Thirteen hours.

M
E
:…You saw me thirteen hours ago?

R: Uh-huh.

M
E
: Right. And what did “we” do?

R: Looted stores. Mostly.

M
E
: [Gasping to myself at the EVIL of the OtherMe!!!!]. Raven, could you please stand on one foot and bark like a dog?

R:…

M
E
: EMILY. Stand on one leg!

R:…

M
E
: [Screaming. Making Bebe whimper in fear.] EMILY, I say! EMILY! Bark like a dog!

R:…

M
E
: WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO YOU??????????????

Later

Have spent the past four hours in Bebe’s living room, taking Raven apart and putting her back together.

After much investigation, I finally found a line of code buried in her programming that I didn’t recognize. It prevents her from obeying commands from anyone but “13-34-567/45-32-741/9-55-4/88-123-42/97-16-197.” It’s a simple code for “Emily.” —Well, it’s simple if you know the code, and which edition of
Occult Thermodynamics and You
to use to crack it.

What I haven’t been able to figure out is why this code allows EvilOne’s commands to work and not mine.

I mean…Aren’t I Emily too?

Worrisome!!!!!!!

Anyway, for now, I fixed it by changing “Emily” to “Emily and Emily.” For some reason, this works. Very…strange.

Later—back at home

I got Bebe to drive me and Raven home. Have explained to Mom that Raven needed to be back for just a little while for reprogramming. Mom seemed fine with that.

I can only hope that EvilOne does not look into Raven’s coding, or she will know I have control of Raven again.

OK. Raven has been stationed in the armchair next to the couch. Am feeling slightly safer. Going to sleep.

June 20

My leg is feeling MUCH better. Have taken no medication today. Mind is also improving. I give all credit to the liquid black rock.

Have kept Raven constantly by my side, but even so, I’ve been feeling the strong need for self-preservation. Have visited my various hidey-holes around the house, only to find that ALL of them have brand-new booby traps!!!! Oh, the unspeakable evil!
Attempted to neutralize and revise them in very subtle ways so that the changes were impossible to detect, BUT, I cannot say I’ve been successful. In fact, I was mostly only successful in flinging myself to the floor just in time to avoid sprays of icy water, catapults of gravel, etc. Hopefully my failure is just a result of lingering leg pain. Cannot blame the medication anymore. Cannot believe the EvilOne has been so busy. I suppose this is the beginning of her plan to destroy me.

Later

I waited until EvilOne left the house, then lurched upstairs to the bedroom, only to be scared out of my wits and semideafened by a barrage of extremely loud firecrackers. Jarbing frambax! I LIKED those eardrums.

Later

Have not been able to come up with reciprocal booby trap on bedroom door. Am becoming soft. Have settled for whipping up a fast-acting, odorless bleaching agent and adding it to shampoo. Am looking forward to hearing EvilOne’s shriek when she sees herself in the mirror after her next shower. Am extremely cheered. It’s amazing what a little proactive revenge work can do for a girl’s self-esteem. Should write a self-help book on the Power of Positive Revenge. My 13-point PPR course would train people to quit whining like a pack of babies and start taking control of their lives (and the lives of their enemies) through creative prankery
and fun, diabolical psychological torture. I WOULD write it, too, if I cared the least little bit about people’s self-esteem, or if I didn’t think I would immediately have the cheeks sued off me by spoilsports.

June 21

Woke up at nightfall, tied to the couch. Raven was nowhere around. Had to work long and hard to get untied. Uncool!! But not unexpected. I’d stashed some miscellaneous tools in my pockets before going to sleep, just in case. If EvilOne hadn’t tied my arms down so tightly, I’d have been free in way less time. Anyway, it could have been worse. At least it gave me an excuse not to take the first shower. Midway through my knot-work, I heard the much-anticipated screams from EvilOne when she saw her hair. It gave me the courage I needed to go on.

Later

Have found Raven locked in the birdcage. Luckily she has not been reprogrammed. YET.

Later

Am in the middle of dinner with Mom and EvilOne, who arrived at the table sporting pale blond hair with hideous yellow streaks!
AH HAHAHAH AH HAHA! She has had to endure Mom’s comments of “Wow, E! Your hair looks so…cute?” I have added lots of friendly remarks like “You’re all set for cheerleading tryouts!” and “I hear blands have more fun! Oh, sorry…did I say BLANDS? AHA HAH HA HAH AHA HA HAHAHA!!” I’ve been watching her closely to see if there will be tears, but she is a tough character.

Man, this feels good. Reckon I will suffer for it, but it’s soooooooooo worth it.

OK, Mom has just asked me for the third time to wrap it up with my journal and eat my dinner before it is stone-cold. Hard to resist writing triumphant entries about EvilOne right in front of her while she stabs evil death glares at me, but I AM kinda hungry.

Later

There is no way I am the fake one!!!!

Out of the blue, Mom has given me just that little bit of an edge I needed to win the game. The three of us were finishing dinner. Our conversation went a little bit like this:

M
OM
: I was thinking you should maybe ask Great-Aunt Millie about, ahem, you know, your duplication…experiment…thingy?

E
VIL
O
NE
: Who, now?

M
E
: [Staring at her.] Um, Great-Aunt MILLIE? Transparent lady, lives in the attic?

EO: What? Someone else lives here? Here in this house?

M: [Giving her a Look.] Are you trying to be funny? Show respect for your spirit elders.

EO: [Clueless. But playing it cool.] I’ve got NOTHING if I don’t have respect for my spirit elders.

M
E
: [Annoyed.] Dude, Patti…you know Great-Aunt Millie likes to be called a poltergeist. [To EvilOne.] So, what, did you take a blow to the head recently, or do you really not know about our poltergeist?

EO: [Trying out a look of contempt.] Great-Aunt Millie? Of COURSE I know about her.

M
E
: So then you know about…the curse.

EO: Yeah. [Long pause. Seriously long pause.] Yep.

M
E
: [Laughing cheeks off. Formulating a whole bunch of last-minute Jeopardy questions involving Great-Aunt Millie.]

M: E, please, no making fun of your doppelgänger at the table, huh?

Later

GOOD STUFF!!!!! My leg was feeling entirely pain free, so I carefully and secretly sawed off the cast to investigate. It appears to be completely back to normal. I can only assume that liquid black rock heals broken bones!!!

—Also, I have put the cast back on and camouflaged the saw-blade marks. No need to let EvilOne know I am not still crippled!

—Also, note to self: If I ever have to wear a cast again, should refrain from shoving bits of Mom’s potpourri down it with a coat hanger, no matter how stinky it gets. It’s not worth it!!!!!

Later

EvilOne lost no time coloring her hair back to black. To look at her, you would never know the whole blonding incident happened. But I’m sure she won’t let this go unavenged.

Later

Mom has not rejected any of the last-minute Great-Aunt Millie questions. We now have an entire category devoted to her. There is no way I can lose!!!!!

One long Jeopardy game later

I have lost, 2,390 to 3,310!

Cannot even believe I am writing this, but clearly EvilOne knows more about
my our her
Emily’s life than I do!

As EvilOne jubilantly scored her final points, loudly proclaimed herself the winner, and did an obnoxious victory dance around the living room, I could see by Mom’s expression that she was coming to some uncomfortable realizations: A) EvilOne and I were NOT perfectly matched after all; B) we were clearly taking this game more seriously than she expected; and C) there would likely be Some Tension in the household now that a winner had been declared.